The day the power of love overrules the love of power, the world will know peace. Until then, come and feed the ducks.

We named our manatee "MC Hammer" because you can't touch him.

The price good people pay for indifference is to be ruled by evil people. The price you pay in our gift shop on Wednesdays is half off.

We just got the all-clear from security. Mandy Patinkin was escorted off the property before he could start singing to the echidnas.

Our bears just woke up from hibernation and boy are they grizzly!

We were so excited to have Kevin Costner visit that we didn’t properly think through our Dances With Wolves interactive exhibit.

Please be aware that the fire salamanders have escaped their enclosure and have a penchant for arson.

Greeneville Zoo proudly announces our Spring Show Series featuring: -So, You Skink You Can Dance? -America’s Got Talons -Who Wants to Be a Chameleonaire? -Win Ben Stein’s Monkey -Gorilla Housewives of Greeneville

Our chameleons can change color, but they choose to live an authentic life.

We get our news the old-fashioned way: from toucans on a string

To: All Staff Subject: "If you're cold, they're cold" Consider letting the interns eat lunch inside.

We talk most when we cease to be at peace with our thoughts. Visit the Greeneville Aviary. Our macaws are full of angst.

Contentment is natural wealth, luxury is artificial poverty, but unfortunately we still need to raise our ticket prices.

Due to the overwhelming popularity of our animal birth announcements, we’ll be celebrating other important animal milestones, like animal graduation and animal divorce.

Not only are chimpanzees capable of tool making, they also enjoy Tool listening.

It's duck season 𝘢𝘯𝘥 wabbit season at the Greeneville Grinder Sandwich Shack!

Will the owner of the white double parked ice cream truck please report to the parking lot. I want a Bomb Pop.

Many people said it would be reckless and dangerous to build a Disney like Jungle Cruise but with real animals. Those people were right.

ZOO FACT: The Giant Panda is difficult to breed in captivity but less so than the Whooping Crane. Their cycles are predictable, but the whooping is such a mood killer.

The howling you hear at the moon isn't coming from the wolf den. Our intern Todd is a goth.

We got a deal on used owls. Their heads don’t turn all the way around, but we equipped them with tiny neck braces and they seem happy.

We apologize that the aquatic bird house and sea bird aviary is just a seagull pecking at a cigarette and a bag of chips but we're still fighting a lawsuit from when our egret bit a kid.

R.I.P. gorilla habitat intern Mario, crushed by a flying wooden barrel.

Harambe's face appeared on a scratching post. The gorilla habitat is closed while we seek confirmation of a miracle.

To: All Staff Subject: Marketing We've rebranded the Murder Hornets as the Buzz Kills™️ Please note updated signage in the apiaries.

The lions, tigers, wolves, bears, rhinos, leopards, and chimps got out. We don't really have a plan but we're confident it'll be ok.

YOU'RE TELLING US A MINK STOLE A JACKET?

Get your tickets for the launch party of our brand new Takin habitat, “Look Who’s Takin!”

Please don't ask the penguins to dance. They're not in the mood today.

If your child falls into the gorilla enclosure you’re gonna need a new child. We only have the one gorilla.

Their bonobo was just trying to gtfo of Redville.

Greeneville isn’t just a zoo, it's also a rehab center. We’re weaning the meerkats off fermented berries.

Imagine two cows having sex. Now imagine them wearing tiny hats. What's wrong with you?

They have a groundhog that can predict the weather? Big deal. We have a lemur that can help you live an authentic life.

When one of our animals loses its shit, we hit them with a tranq dart until they calm down. #SOTU

The Aquatic Sensory Deprivation Tank Experience has been discontinued since one of our hippos freaked out and saw God.

Our antelope herd has gotten bigger than planned. Come teach your children about death this Wednesday.

Reminder: Any visitor attempting to provide coffee to the sloths will be banned for life.

The Zip Line Adventure through our giraffe enclosure has been discontinued after several of the giraffes were knocked unconscious.

Redville polar bears have dad bods

We gave helium to a parrot to hear if it talked funny but it just squawked 'what the fuck?!' as it floated to the ceiling.

If you're visiting the rodent exhibit you should probably run. We don't have a rodent exhibit.

The lemur cannot grant wishes. Do not attempt to free the lemur.

Flamingos are terrible gamblers. The standing on one leg thing is a horrible tell.

To: All Staff Subject: Ted Danson's Hair Ted Danson's Cheers era hair will be on display in the mammal house through April and move to the aviary for nesting season.

The zoo's open regular hours during President's Day. Please stop by and consider donating to our ballroom.

The panther exhibit is temporarily closed. The screaming you hear is just the completely normal screaming that a panther handler does.

Swans mate for life. That's why they form these "V's" for vendetta.

No, we don't require age verification to view our blue-footed boobies. Also, grow up.

Please don't eat peanuts in front of the elephants. You're appropriating their culture.