If you received an invitation to the tigers’ New Year's Feast, please be aware that you are the feast.

We do not recommend wearing black to Greeneville Zoo's World of the White Tiger and lint rollers will not be provided.

Today's admission includes science communicator Gavin's show: "Platypuses are made up: Change my mind."

WARNING: Do not be taken in by alligator tears—she’s on Wellbutrin.

There wasn't a star over this scene, it was a bug zapper.

Spend the day after Christmas at our zoo with animals who are over it lying around looking bloated in their PJs.

You can donate your old Christmas trees to the zoo and our goats will eat them. They hate Christmas that much.

Too many lives are in shambles. This senseless war must end. Please, whether you believe our animals are visited by "Santa Paws" or "Santa Claws," stop feuding.

Yes, it's ok to wish our animals a merry Christmas, except the meerkats who are agnostic or angry believers, condemned to a life lived underground, far from God's light.

Please stop donating your fruitcake to the animals. They don't like it either.

FYI, If your child falls into an enclosure we get to keep it.

We greatly misunderstood what customers wanted when they said our gift shop should sell stuffed animals.

Knowing Redville Zoo, that "redacted" zebra was accidentally released.

Check out our new World of Darkness exhibit, featuring nocturnal animals like naked mole rats, vampire bats, sand cats, and divorced dads in dead end jobs.

The war on Christmas has reached the elephant shrew exhibit

To: All Staff Subject: Erotic Animal Night It was supposed to be Exotic Animal Night.

Come check out our “Reverse Nativity,” which features a bunch of Baby Jesuses gazing at their donkey savior.

Our podcast answering questions about crows keeps losing listeners. We probably shouldn’t have called it Murder Mysteries.

The liquor store raccoon is not from our zoo. All our raccoons are currently working on their 9th Step amends.

We have an opening for "big cat trainer." Must be faster than our previous big cat trainer.

December 14 is International Monkey Day, but our monkeys haven’t qualified for Nationals yet so please don’t bring it up (they’re sensitive about it).

Good news! Our marine mammal wing is doing significantly better since we've started adding salt to the water.

Our Komodo dragon is fine. He’s faking the limp because last time the vet gave him ketamine.

You're not imagining it. Rocky the Ram's humming "🎶 All i want for Christmas is ewe🎵" He’s very lonely.

We assembled a kangaroo court and they voted unanimously for mushrooms and wild grasses.

All our animals escaped into society but they came back and pulled the cage doors behind them.

We’d like to thank Gavin the intern for stepping in and covering for our carpet python while it was being steam cleaned.

Due to a cease and desist letter, StarDucks is now The Capybara Coffee Bar-a.

Thanks to our resident Primate Linguist’s efforts to interpret Howler Monkey communication, we now know they’re mostly shouting for beer.

Zoo enclosures are designed to prioritize the safety of visitors and animals, while also providing the animals with an environment as close as possible to their natural habitat. That's why our rodent enclosure looks like the commissary at Redville Zoo.

It's mayhem at the amphibian enclosures. Check out our new exhibit, "Beware The Frogs Of War"

Ignore the man by the entrance claiming to have “the map the zoo doesn’t want you to see.” And please, please do not take his map.

Apologies to all victims of the recent catfishing scam. We’ve cut internet access for your online boyfriend, ‘Nick.’ (Also he’s actually a barracuda).

Some amazing animals have evolved to emit light through a chemical reaction called bioluminescence! None of ours though.

The meerkat enclosure will be closed on Sunday so they can get right with God.

We stand firm in the belief that our handler erred on the side of caution when he tranquilized the child in the Tigger pajamas.

It’s not true that our wild bear habitat only contains a Billy Bob robot from an abandoned Showbiz Pizza Place. We also put a jukebox in there.

Please stop hurling insults at our crocodiles. Sometimes their tears are real.

Meet our 3 turkeys, Butterball, Yum Yum, and Drumstick. Just Kidding. All turkeys are named Sir Peckworth Of Gobble Town.

Premium zoo members get access to our 24/7 "Custodian Cam" where you'll get to experience real life zoo custodians sleeping on the job.

All right, which one of you clowns keeps encouraging the animals to form a union?

We knew it wasn't you when we saw 'turkeys' spelled correctly.

We're not paying up.

Our potoo wants you to know that just because she’s in a zoo doesn’t mean it’s okay to stare.

Did you know? Four of our elephants are rescues from the game Jumanji.

In a space-saving measure, we have traded our hippo, Lana, to the Toledo zoo for two aardvarks and a reptile to be named later.

Sorry we tried to make a crocodile mate with an alligator. It was dark out.

Back to the drawing board on the "live animal merry-go-round."

What our small-town zoo lacks compared to big city zoos, we more than make up for with the mecha-chickens and Wall of Fur.

Come see the new Ibex or Oryx or whatever, it's one of those two.