We are phasing out the terms “extant” and “extinct” from our exhibits and will now refer to species as either “Darwinners" or “Darlosers.”

Did you know that having jungle cats lick pedestrian walkways clean is not nearly as sanitary as hosing them down? Anyway, we’ve changed our policy.

When visiting our wolf, coyote, or jackal enclosures, keep in mind that the Greeneville Rule Book actually does say a dog can’t play basketball.

We’re launching an investigation into how our chimps were able to host an illegal poker game, who tipped off the FBI and where the money is buried.

Our breeding-program research reports that the animals’ reluctance to mate is often linked to people like you standing around watching.

During our last bird show a goose snatched a hairpiece. If you're missing a hairpiece, stop at Guest Services. If you can describe this hairpiece, you may reclaim your hairpiece.

People say wolves are intelligent, but a third of our staff was able to beat them in head-to-head Chutes and Ladders.

Our wolves don't have rabies. That's beard conditioner.

To all concerned callers: We agree that animals should be behind bars. But the Greeneville Zoo Streaker is now a matter for local authorities.

"The next enclosure features the Western Lowlife Gorilla." "You mean Western Lowland Gorilla?" "No."

Until the Season Pass automatic turnstile is repaired, please holler or bang on the gates.

Waiting to see one of our popular exhibits? Make sure you’re in line behind other humans, not our lemmings.

The zoo's lovable otters have threatened to stop being “so damned cute" until David Fincher makes Season 3 of Mindhunter.

Whoever performed the Godfather 3 Sofia Coppola Death Scene, the bears aren't convinced.

The bird screaming obscenities turned out to be a former intern in a convincing parrot costume. Sorry about that.

Huge thanks to everyone who has donated wood to our woodchuck enclosure. We have reached an undetermined percentage of our goal.

We're missing a couple lemurs.

As you pass the jellyfish remember to wish them a happy World Jellyfish Day, but don’t expect a thank you because they have no manners. Or brains.

For Godzilla Day, we replicated the look of his atomic breath by getting our lizards hooked on Newport menthols.

Promotion of the Month: You can keep anything you find in our kangaroo’s pouch if you can get out of the enclosure un-kicked.

He'll come back when he's hungry.

Welp. Gonna need more paper towels.

Thank you for calling Greeneville Zoo. Press 1 for hours. Press 2 to speak with a monkey.

To: All Staff Subject: Halloween Stop handing out animal crackers to the children. They're eating them in front of the animals, and the lions, tigers, bears, and elephants are freaking out.

Please refrain from throwing candy into the gorilla exhibit until after they sign “Trick or treat.” Thank you.

It's already Halloween Down Under. We turned the koala enclosure upside down so they can skitter across the ceiling like Toni Collette in Hereditary.

Animal costumes are banned from the zoo after last Halloween’s tranquilizer dart incident.

For National Cat Day, we're giving our big kitties extra Leopard, Tiger and Lion Nip

If your kids are sad that the animals aren’t free, remind them that nobody truly is.

Greeneville Zoo monkeys are not “highly aggressive toward humans.” They have just been listening to Taylor Swift’s “The Man” on repeat and developed an attitude problem.

Our “World of Birds” show has been canceled indefinitely after someone showed them a certain Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Greeneville Zoo proudly celebrates animals' impact on humanity. For example, horses can provide transportation, snake venom is used in life-saving medicines, and elephants inspired the design of the bendy straw.

This is why we give our primates chewing gum.

​​The reason we have three Brady Bunch kids on display is because no other zoo was willing to rescue them.

Giraffe for sale: weird short neck

The raven saying "nevermore" isn't part of our Halloween display. She's just pissed off that we fed her out of season blueberries.

95% of all giraffes have names that start with “G,” even those in the wild. This is true. No need to verify.

Greeneville Zoo will not tolerate rumors of cheap taxidermy after what we've spent on it.

Vultures cool themselves down by urinating on their own feet. Big Cat intern Geoff did the same thing when he began cleaning what he thought was an empty cage.

We apologize for the wombats’ no-show on International Wombat Day yesterday. They were on Jury Duty.

Please note: There will be no refunds for food snatched by the ibis roaming our cafeteria. Once a hotdog leaves our kiosk, it's your responsibility.

Spots are still available for Zzzs at the Zoo, our after-hours event where families spend the night inside the hyena pen.

Redville's truck didn't "run out of gas and coast into an empty field." The drivers ran when they were stopped by police and the truck crashed into an old farm stand that was selling pirated vape cartridges on the road out of Redville.

On this date in 1977, a plane crash took the lives of several members of Lynyrd Skynyrd. To commemorate that event, today the first 100 guests get a free bird.

Announcing our new platypus, a creature who prefers complete solitude. To make him feel welcome, please leave him the hell alone.

The kangaroo fistfight at today's "Aww-stralia: Adorable Down-Under" event was natural animal behavior. No refunds.

To the owner of a gigantic wooden horse left outside our gate: we’re not falling for it. If you want in, buy a ticket like everyone else.

Yes, your children may lick the Colorado River toads, but don't blame us when they start listening to jam bands.

Our intern is not officially on display in that enclosure. He’s just between apartments right now.

Redville Zoo's sea otters hold hands so they don't end up as pelts in the Redville Zoo gift shop.