Story telling originated in the Paleolithic Era. Tribes of cave dwellers would sit around a communal fire. The shaman would raise his staff and press “play” on the audiobook.

I'll lie here like a slug, it's my only defense.

My most woke opinion? The concept of billionaires would be perfectly fine *if* we had things like UBI and universal healthcare in place Until folks have basic necessities, we should always want to eat the rich

Sometimes I'll sit and contemplate the meaning of life and other times I'll wonder if the plural of manatee is 'manatees' or 'menatee'

Morrissey cancelled his entire South American tour and cannot be persuedehead to change his mind.

In the club trying to explain to the very concerned staff member that I'm not having a medical emergency, that's just how I dance.

I can tell you care by the thoroughness of this restraining order.

Please read my posts in order of palpable desperation.

The successful screenwriter of Will Ferrell's famous Christmas-themed movie is proudly described as an Elf-made man.

I could really go for a hallucination right now to brighten things up.

Why are you all following back bots? Fake plants don't need to be watered.

The 2 hour gap in the Comey grand jury transcript was just Lindsey Halligan saying "hold on a sec" while ChatGPT explained how indictments work.

You wouldn't think chucking 9 minicans of Coke from the airport lounge into your backpack is gonna weight that much but it's important to learn a new thing each day

[first date] ME: How do you spend your free time? HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like... Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about? ME: I've always wondered how Dumbo's hat stayed on when he was flying.

Should I clean my house or call a Febreze location scout?

I think I need to speak to someone in power regarding Nov 21st, WHATS HAPPENING

I'm an internet uninfluencer.

I read some of the Amelia Earhart files. It was crazy that her last radio transmission was her asking for the release of the Epstein files.

Sea Bass would be a good nickname for Sebastian

(Me, doing anything requiring all of my concentration) My bladder: SIR HAVE ANOTHER URGENT MESSAGE.

i have a favorite mailbox. hi! im 90 years old in this post

In a room with no windows you can never be sure if you’re drinking a tequila sunrise or a tequila sunset.

[watching murder documentary] Her: That’s not how I would have done it. Me: *never sleeps again*

I refuse to support a funding bill that fails to address the Republican health care crisis. And make health insurance affordable. The American people clearly understand the stakes and the urgency. We must too. I'm voting no.

The worst part of standing accused of something is the whole "standing' part. As a middle-aged man with gimpy knees, I would much rather sit accused.

Much to my chagrin, if I were a condiment, I’d likely be blackberry preserves.

The worst person in our country is also our president. Other than that, things are groovy

It’s always “I wanna post a banger” and never “I wanna bang a poster”.

The siren call, she finally reached me. I am making my first quilt.

Anyone notice the irony of Trump trying to cut SNAP benefits for those who have too little while fighting to lower the cost of prescription weight-loss drugs for those who have too much?

LinkedIn’s a ripoff. How many times do I gotta click “Improve your profile” to get this rhinoplasty

Ran out of donuts, had to bust ino my emergency donut stash.

So long, pal

Epstein spent Thanksgiving with Trump during president's first term in office: emails www.rawstory.com/trump-epstei...

The beatings will continue until I'm tired of beating you. -me, playing Scrabble

I'm going to hand this jar of capers down to my son

B2B expert (Buddy to Buddy)

Potential Spam is so obsessed with me

it’s raining cars and dogs and my therapist just offered up telehealth so I dont have to drive into town *does funky chicken*

Me promoting my own post

I went outside and the sky made it ok

The seat belt buckle doesn't seem to want to stay in the vehicle when I exit the car.

I get all discombobulated whenever I miss a family meal. My therapist says it's likely supperation anxiety.

A powdered wig on a barrister but the powder is cheeto dust

sorry i blurted out i like it hard mr mattress salesman

he's on a mission from God

she better run

My type: someone supportive and warm who I can curl up and relax with. Wait, that's my bed.

Sure, morality is great, but ultimately I believe it stifles innovation