Every room is a panic room when you have anxiety like mine.

Just updated my LinkedIn profile!

I was thinking about having a kid just so I could eat their Halloween candy, but then I realized I’m an adult and I can just buy my own. Any idea how much kids cost nowadays?

I know a lot of young girls are horse girls, but I'm a horseradish girl.

I wonder if the the members of Hoobastank unanimously agreed on that name.

My stripper name is Möbius.

By "lowbrow" y'all mean like a merkin, right?

Thinking about going to establishments wearing a very obvious disguise so the employees will think I’m a CEO on Undercover Boss and maybe actually provide decent service.

I wouldn't say I’m a judgmental person, but I bet a lot of other people would. (but that's fine because I dislike those people for a wide variety of reasons)

Okay, sure, Mandela Effect. Next thing you're gonna do is try to claim that it's actually Frankenstain.

Fondue so good you'll order fondeux.

It's unnecessary to exhibit extremely verbose communication as a vehicle to demonstrate the existence of an extensive lexicon.

I still get carded whenever I go to Costco.

Ask me about my indifference. Or don’t. Whatever.

If you're looking for a white noise machine, might I recommend a 2014 MacBook Pro where the fan NEVER SHUTS OFF?

In this paper, we will discuss the psychological impact that can potentially result when a bootylicious person inquires as to whether or not another person is truly ready for this jelly.

Go-Gurt? Bitch, I already Gone-Gurt.

I hate you, but I'm not IN hate with you.

My arm muscles are very strong as long as you only feel the top part and not the squishy bottom part.

At what point are you supposed to tell the other person about your kinks? During the job interview or upon receipt of the offer letter?

"How Can Water Feel SO Dry?" –A book about alternatives to having sex in places like pools, hot tubs, and showers

Be the change you want to see when you have an hour to kill at an arcade.

Manifesting my destiny by saying random things into my phone with hope that it's listening and will provide the appropriate targeted ads. .

I’m considered a legacy because my grandma also attended this bartending school.

I wear joggers for jogging as much as you wear yoga pants for yoga, Susan.

I wonder why all of the Suicide Girls died off.

My favorite sex position is fetal.

International House of Pain

I blame Big TV for giving kids inferiority complexes about the size of their own bedrooms given that all of the TV kids had bedrooms big enough to accommodate a sound stage.

Low-key I’m actually pretty high-key.

They're a 10 but they use Winamp without a skin.

My toxic trait is pretending like I only have one toxic trait.

My toxic trait is starting to tell somebody about something I read earlier in the day and then immediately remembering that I only read the headline.

I don’t see color, I just see the quality of an object or substance with respect to light reflected by the object, usually determined visually by measurement of hue, saturation, and brightness of the reflected light.

It's not fair to make fun of the Cybertruck because your vehicle would look almost as bad if you also designed it with an Erector Set.

Prison has its pros and cons.

This terrible color palette has got me seeing #BF1932.

Kids today do some really weird stuff to get high and it makes me grateful that I grew up in the golden age, which was the period of time when everyone was spraying gold metallic paint into plastic grocery store bags and huffing it to get high..

I think I have imposter syndrome, but I'm not sure if I have it enough to be able to claim that I have it.

My neighbor keeps bringing me oatmeal raisin cookies and I’m like I get it, you hate me.

Everyone at Subway is asking for an Italian sub when all I want is an Italian dom.

I can't show my face on my OnlyFans because I don't want my coworkers to recognize me, but I also can't show my boobs because they've already seen those too.

Improv groups would be better if they focused more on improving.

My favorite shirt is a “these colors don’t run” shirt that faded into nothing.

This isn’t just an outhouse, it’s an outHOME.

I want to be the Grimace to your Hamburglar.

I had to kiss a lot of toads before I found one that got me high enough.

Everyone is always looking cool in their bicycle helmets while I’m always rolling up looking like Dark Helmet from SpaceBalls.

Most of my childhood was spent hiding in a makeshift fort and having conversations with myself, so I’m pretty much a feral child who aged out.

I hope this email finds you well after office hours on Friday so I won’t need to look at your response until Monday.