Apologies to those who watched my latest unboxing live stream. In my defense, it was 50/50 on whether those cats were going to be alive or not.

Today's Vibe is a very ugly vehicle made by Pontiac.

Whenever my university wins a game, I like to shout "WE did it!" just to make up for all of the times my classmates took credit for the group projects I completed entirely on my own.

Once a year I buy egg nog and once a year I’m reminded about how much I don’t actually like egg nog.

I love how cats have tails that could easily hide their butts for modesty, but they're always prancing around like "look at my butthole!"

I prefer topless mimosas.

Lobotomies are bad. Change my mind.

Whenever anyone asks me to troubleshoot a non-Apple device, I respond with nonsense in a gibberish language and they say "I don’t understand that language" and I say "same" and then walk away.

My cup runneth under.

I’m really worried about the zombie apocalypse because I think it's gonna be really hard to tell the difference between zombies and toddlers.

Ignorance is bliss. Or whatever those stupid idiots say.

Just watched the director's cut of Home Alone and I can't believe how much of this movie was originally dedicated to Kevin jizzing everywhere.

The most annoying thing about being pregnant has gotta be trying to hide your drinking for nine months.

Happy Pizza Night to all who celebrate!

The server at the Olive Garden asked if we were celebrating anything special so I said never ending breadsticks and never having children.

[Consoling my husband after a minor inconvenience] Me: Aw, my sad baby boy. Him: I'm a man. Me: Sorry, my sad baby man.

I’m not trying to rob any cradles because most babies don't have any money.

No godzillas No masterzillas

The vibe of the day is the Hitachi Magic Wand.

I bet the inventor of the gif pronounced gherkin like jerkin.

You need to be really smart to be able to play this dumb.

The mechanic is always trying to upsell me on tire rotations and I’m like nice try but that's literally what those things do.

Apparently November 12th is when I post all of my dumb jokes about MTV's Cribs.

I want to get "famous" enough to go on MTV's Cribs so I can take them on a tour of my "home" which is CLEARLY just rooms in an IKEA.

I’m very bad with names and internally associate people by notable attributes and that makes me live in fear of bumping into them and needing to introduce them to my husband. This is my husband, Kevin. Kevin, these are our neighbors, GossipMom and Mustache.

I was just criticized for showing my cards, but if you had an extensive collection of Garbage Pail Kids, you'd be showing them off too.

The difference between yoga and Pilates is yoga is people farting on exercise mats and Pilates is people farting on exercise equipment.

Why do they call it dry humping when you still end up with semen all over your school uniform?

Request for a tomato shaped like a slice of bread.

If you wanna get with this, roll on up with a weighted blanket and then leave me alone with the blanket, babe.

Kia is so dumb for announcing it's Kia Season because you KNOW I’m gonna start huntin' some Sportages.

Football and basketball time clocks are why I have trust issues.

When I first started dating my husband, he had a twin bed and it was super awkward trying to fit on it, especially with his twin brother always being there.

Target was selling American Girl doll costumes so I'd like to remind everyone about who did it first because this was my costume from February of 2023 after I learned they released an American Girl doll from the "historical" 1990s and I already had almost all of the clothes in my closet.

Nice guys finish last because they want to ensure the other person finishes first.

Don’t forget to fall forward and spring back!

I keep getting targeted ads for wine fridges that hold like 50 bottles but that seems excessive because I can only drink like three bottles a night or five at most.

Normalize saying "I don’t know enough about the topic to be able to comment."

People who talk about how others are toxic are often the most toxic people of all.

I hate the sound of joy.

Whenever I see anyone sucking on their vape, I like to say "Sweet Tamagotchi, bruh."

Proposition for a new and more accurate shipping status called: "Label printed. Will probably sit on a desk for a couple of business days and THEN we'll start packaging your order."

Why would I buy a Cybertruck when I can just sext people from the back of my Prius?

Men will be like "why do you need a sex toy when you have the real thing right here?" as if their oddly-shaped goo shooter is somehow superior.

My husband is always like "Be careful because that dish is spicy!" and I'll taste it and be like "Oh, what part was the most spicy to you? The garlic salt or the green pepper?"

Hey girl, can I get your sleep number?

Jesus Christ died for our Cinnabons.

My husband and I don’t fight very often, but one thing we do fight about is how he calls aluminum foil "tin foil" and he's like "IT'S THE SAME THING!" and I’m like "bruh, they are completely different metals, so please go consult the periodic table I've hung above our bed."

[Microsoft Word trying to hang a painting] A little bit to the right... ::slams painting against the right wall:: A little lower... Downstairs neighbor: "Where did that painting come from?"

There's a cute European guy on my flight so I’m going to see if he wants to join the 1.609 kilometer high club with me.