History is old news.

Maybe conservatives would be okay with abortion if they knew that all fetuses start out female.

Most call it sexual tension, but physicists know it's actually sexual weight plus mass times acceleration.

Nobody has the time to read analog watches.

"Occam's razor" should have a simpler name.

People criticize me for writing off things too quickly, but I’m an unethical accountant so what do they expect from me?

Keep your chin up and maintain a positive mental attitude because you can do anything you want when your wealthy family is funding your lifestyle!

I'd be way more into bitcoins if I could earn them by playing Super Mario Bros.

The Silicone Valley is what I call my cleavage.

Of course I named my daughter Jacuzzi because that's where she was conceived.

I’m not a couples therapist, but I am very good at detecting how incompatible every couple on House Hunters is.

I got rid of my Marie Kondo book because it didn't spark joy.

If the devil ever finds a way to monetize, there's going to be hell to pay.

All pants are sweatpants if you try hard enough.

If little red riding hood is dumb enough to mistake a wolf in a nightgown for her grandma then she deserves everything that comes to her.

The difference between an IPA and a triple IPA is that the triple IPA contains three times as much cat pee.

Don’t invite me to pickleball if you don’t want to see me smackin' my gherkin.

I might pay a penny for your thoughts, but my two cents are going to cost twice as much.

Are they still called skinny jeans if you're chubby?

It's a courtroom show about a Nu Metal singer who went to law school and now he's known as Judge MeNtAL.

It's just like a woman to try to tell me I’m gaslighting them.

I've used Waymo before and it's honestly fine as long as you remember that you need to pull the door handle twice when you're trying to escape from the car after it catches on fire or drives into a body of water.

You must have misheard me because I said I was the court gesture and my signature move is that jerk-off motion popularized by teenage boys, your honor.

They call me the panty dropper because I’m pretty clumsy.

As if depression isn't bad enough, how am I ever going be able to compete with the GREAT Depression?

It's ironic that so many people misuse the word ironic, myself included.

Being a movie buff is the buffest thing about me.

I’m the worst speller this side of the Missippi.

404 art thou Romeo?

Okay, I think everyone deserves to see the un-cropped hotdog, but it's still up for debate as to whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

If you can't handle me at my avatar of a hotdog, you don’t deserve me at my un-cropped version showing a hotdog with a hotdog for a boner.

Bill Gates named his company after his penis and nobody even flinched.

I bet Charmin only uses those weird bears because they couldn't get the rights to Beavis.

Yo mama so fat, she prioritized the care of her family over herself because she's a good mama.

If I were Adam, I would have given Eve a cooler name like McRib.

Improv would be better if it had an "e" at the end.

Whenever my husband and I stay in a hotel room with two beds, I like to role play like we're two coworkers on a business trip where I get things hot by spending the evening microwaving fish.

It's a good thing Louis Pasteur had a decent last name to lend to an acceptable term like pasteurized milk because can you imagine if his last name was instead something like Jizzeur?

I bought an in-home device to remove unwanted body hair and I've been really happy with how well it's been working, but my biggest concern is if I’m always going to want my remaining pubic hair to be in the shape of a pot leaf. Like, I know it's timeless NOW, but will I feel the same when I’m 90?

Pretty sure my husband is going to divorce me if I keep lying to hotel reception whenever they ask why we're in town but what IF he was actually there to try out for Magic Mike on Ice?

This isn't a bounce house, it's a bounce home.

I would like to speak to your manager so I can tell them about the great job you're doing because it is very difficult to be working in the service industry and you deserve to be appreciated and recognized for your hard work.

The Doppler Effect is like how my voice sounds higher when I'm chasing after you but lower when I'm running away from you.

I want to get famous enough to appear on a red carpet so people will ask me who I’m wearing and then I can list off all of my Amazon brands like "the dress is WRZGYA and the shoes are KBVRZY."

My pee is so clear that I’m pretty sure I just beat the final boss in Scientology.

I would be pretty mad if my baby came out looking different than expected and I learned it was because my partner had plastic surgery to correct that trait, especially because I think you have to wait at least a couple of years until you can get plastic surgery on a baby to make them look less ugly.

I did a complete 360 and nobody noticed.

It's FuriOsa not FuriosA!

I pulled myself up by my bootstraps that I bought with daddy's money.

This shrimp cocktail is the worst. It's virtually impossible to drink with a straw.