They're "strike anywhere" matches. Your baby's forehead is a where. No, I don't think that's unreasonable. IT'S NOT LIKE I LIT IT ON FIRE.

Uh oh. Here comes another one from the vault.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It's like when you change a baby's clothes- new baby. New baby that's yours now.

I really wish I’d given an explanation… wtf was happening in my life?? I NEED ANSWERS!

can’t sleep. the full moon’s fucking up my waterbed.

had a dream where I discovered a lost Beatles track. the only lyric I remember is "There is a type of soup that we all hate."

The first person to discover that sticking your hand inside a Muppet brings it to life must have been so scared.

Something really stupid is going to happen and it’s going to be so stupid that it’s the last thing that ever happened and then, later, when octopuses take the earth, and find our few remains, they’re going to be like what stupid shit did these stupid fucks do

my god he is so fucking dumb

If you're just joining us, Sen. Mitch McConnell has fallen for a sixth time toda- hold on, we're receiving word that Sen. Mitch McConnell of Kentucky has now wandered into a field full of rakes

How was Aladdin as a character supposed to react to these references

I just don’t see how an Executive Order saying Mike Love was the real genius in the Beach Boys could be legally binding

Million dollar idea: a decorative hand towel that you can use

[472 miles away] I’ll be there in 5 minutes

Not Willis in a Bone Thugs n harmony shirt. With suspenders??

Love to be a Green Bay fan.

COWARDS

Real #footballquestion #NFL #CHI/GB

Legitimate question, and maybe it’s stupid but I don’t care. If you don’t have a third string quarterback, what happens in the event of an injury to the backup?

“in the shadow of their own goalpost” was oddly poetic, Tom Brady.

Willis keeps surprising me. #GB/CHI

“Hot and streaky” is one of the more disturbing ways I’ve heard a quarterback described #NFL

I’ve never seen “Love Actually.” Should I watch it, or no? Also tell me a thing you’ve never seen that “EVERYONE” has.

The word you’re looking for is “woman.” Furthermore: eat shit.

Wild that you can just be walking around, living your life and BAM!! Out of nowhere someone else’s shift in mood ruins it all. If you’re not the kind of person who feels that I love you tell me your secrets.

To the ladies who pretend to be your friend be they wanna get close to your boyfriend: we see you. We don’t say anything because it’s not worth it. But when it’s someone you thought might actually be cool? And it turns out you’re just being used? Girls. That sucks. Let’s be better.

Bought THE most basic Christmas tree stand. Assembly should be easy… When I tell you I’ve assembled ENTIRE BOOKSHELVES with less frustration. Of course there are no instructions. (it’s EASY) but I found a QR code. I think I’m saved. FRIENDS IT LINKS TO A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STAND.

I can’t handle that the biggest point differential in an NFL game was when the Bears TROUNCED the Redskins 73-0 and the officials had to ask the Bears not to kick any more extra points because they only had one ball left.

This Bucks Wizards game is embarrassing.

My niece is drawing everyone's picture, one by one revealing our deepest insecurities like a she's in a Stephen King book

My dad put this on so many road trip mixed tapes… I listened to it today for the first time in a minute, and it’s a banger. Seriously. music.apple.com/us/album/hoo...

I can only assume that everyone read this and didn’t reply because they were too busy sending good vibes in the direction of the Knicks. It worked! Good job, team.

Can we all just root for the Knicks? 14 lead changes and 10 ties is insane.

The Nets (who are 2-11) are currently beating the Celtics and I’m hard pressed to think of a sports thing that could make me happier in this moment.

Me, bartending. Dude: can you turn on the Wisconsin game? Me: it’ll be on in 15 minutes Dude: some people probably want to watch this football game Me: the rerun of the Badgers game from this weekend? It’s gonna be interrupted by the basketball game Dude: I just want to watch basketball Me: got it

I just said “it’s been a long week” out loud. Friends. It’s Monday.

I asked a man in the bar this question and he said SQUIRREL. I can’t stop laughing.

Goin to a hockey game tomorrow. That is all.

Say what you want about Aaron Sorkin, but I’ve been crying my way through a third watch of “The Newsroom.” A show that old shouldn’t feel so prescient. But here we are.

He can’t be talking about ACTUAL magnets, she thought to herself stupidly. Spoiler alert: he was indeed talking about magnets.

The way so many people today tried to talk to me about a new round of “stimulus checks” from “tariff revenues” was genuinely unsettling.

The end of that Packer game was the funniest shit I’ve ever seen. I say this as a Packer fan.

The end of that Bucks game had me dying. Giannis’ face…

“Just my opinion. This has been one of the most entertaining scoreless first halves of a football game that I’ve ever watched.” - the only thing Joe Buck has ever said that I found even moderately amusing. (Maybe it was Aikman- doesn’t matter. The song remains the same.)

Not some dude who “loves sports” watching the Packers/Eagles pregame and hollerin “who the hell is that bald guy?” The “bald guy?” Scott Van Pelt. There are. No words.

Anyone else have a thing where Snapchat randomly adds some “public” person and then sends notifications every time they post stupid shit or is that just me?

Senate Democrats are like “with your donation of $25 or more, we will help Donald Trump kill you”

the universe could do the funniest thing

This man sitting next to me is trynna talk to me about the shutdown and I’ve told him THREE TIMES, EXPLICITLY, that I’m too angry to have a reasonable conversation about it. And yet he persists.

The Democratic party is as worthless as the Republican party, I won’t be taking any questions at this time.