There isn’t enough Tylenol on this earth to get rid of the headache Our Dear Leader has given me.

There is no rational reply to absurdity. My brain sincerely cannot process the level of inanity being spewed by people who hold positions of power in which I used to trust.

Look, it’s Heroin and Adderall ganging up on Tylenol.

I’m not sure who the camera operator is for this Brewers/Padres game but it’s something special.

Who has tickets for the Bucks/Knicks game? This guy.

@thatbrenna.bsky.social BRENNA!!!!

All I’ve ever wanted.

Bullying only makes my son stronger.

I’m not above deleting a poorly punctuated thing I’m sorry I love you.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo. But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

Why do I live in a timeline that forces me to agree with Tucker Carlson?

Hey hi it’s me! I’m posting someone else’s content and pretending it’s mine! [1 million likes. 480,000 reposts] I’m so good at online.

Described a UTI as “almost an orgasm, but with knives.” The doctor: “what?” My lady friends: “girl. AbsoLUTEly.”

Holy shit Ben and Jerry’s.

Just overheard someone who purports to closely follow politics say “Pam Bondi is the Secretary of Defense, right?” And three dudes just nodded. I’m muttering “nah. It’s Pete Hegseth.” But I had a MOMENT. I was convinced maybe /I/ was wrong. It’s no wonder misinformation spreads so quickly.

BF: Dinner's ready Me: One sec, need to write a post that saves the United States of America

Man alive at the people hand-wringing about Charlie Kirk. Y’all haven’t had shit to say about any other act of gun violence and now you’ve decided this is where you stand? And you expect people to take you seriously? No one should be shot. The rest of us have been saying this for YEARS. Fuck off.

All you need to know about me is that if you smell really good you can be the absolute worst; I won’t remember it.

Friends. It was a woodpecker. I don’t think I’ll ever recover.

I’m sitting outside and a BIRD FLEW INTO MY HEAD. A whole bird. Flew into my head.

What do I think I’m doing, checking my shower to see if someone is hiding in there? Imagine pulling back the curtain and ACTUALLY finding someone. What then? Holler “FOUND YOU! MY TURN TO HIDE!?” I mean. That’s my plan. Idk what else I could possibly do.

sorry for being a huge bitch it's just something I love doing

Getting home at night and checking the shower/under the bed/closets/whatever is so funny because wtf am I gonna do if I find someone? “Oh hey hi! Found you. My turn.” Like. I’m not walking around with a weapon. My only plan is legitimately “now close your eyes and count to 100.”

A friend of mine said “get outta here, night butterflies” earlier this evening. Night butterflies. Night butterflies are MOTHS, my guy. (But you’d better believe I’ll never call them moths again.)

Don't tell me how to lift my baby

I saw a mouse. It was exceedingly bold. What kind of rodent runs around when a person is stomping about?? The kind that’s gonna gnaw on your face when you sleep. You can’t convince me otherwise.

Don’t steal jokes. It’s so easy not to. What sort of satisfaction do you even get from that shit?

My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

Can we start talking about the Sydney Sweeney ad again please? It took me a week but I’ve finally got a take that won’t make anyone yell at me

Sorry for getting serious on main

Friends. I found this unhinged book at a friend’s house and I can’t stop reading it. The comma placement is atrocious, but the sentiment? It’s worse.

I mean I’ll take it… But what?

Replying “UNSUBSCRIBE” to the family group chat keeps ‘em on their toes.

It’s currently 85 degrees inside my apartment. At 1:20 am. I have my a/c set to 62. Please send cool thoughts my way. There’s a good chance I’m not gonna find sleep.

And I’ll say it again: Chet Holmgren has the most punchable face in the NBA.

Meh. That game… You have to have more than one guy.

FUCK

For all of my friends who don’t understand Wisconsin weather… three days ago it was 60 degrees.

I know it’s Tuesday but come ON. Why isn’t this re-sealable.

Alright. If this was the other app I could @ the brand Colgate and ask them what sort of monster decided this product shouldn’t be re-sealable… someone that’s better at this site than me (everyone) tell me how to yell at brands.

mass protest is not the right way to oppose fascism. the right way to oppose fascism is to shake your head and say “no thank you” whenever a fascist offers you some fascism

Being friends with me is a real treat.

HOLY HELL LET’S GO KNICKS.

I’m not trying to be annoying. It’s just who I am.

It’s “ATM Machine,” and “PIN number,” but worse.

When did people start saying “true fact?” Facts, by definition, are true. Or “self-identify.” Yeah, my guy: if you identify with something it’s you who identifies with it. You can just say “identify.” Idk why it annoys me so much, but it does.

Please stop pretending “no tax on cash tips” is going to significantly impact your life… The other shit?? It absoLUTELY will.

I might actually vomit this Knicks game is so fucking stressful.

As a person I have a lot to be ashamed about: buying an entire rotisserie chicken with the express intent of eating the whole thing by myself isn’t one.

PSA: to “self-identify” is the same thing as “to identify with.” Just another example of Big Hyphen hijacking the English language.