Tom Cruise does his own stunts because he wants to die

[after watching my 3rd ever World Cup match] Here are the eleven things that are wrong with this sport

I’m watching the final season of The Bear and I have to ask: is this like Lost with the smoke monster? Do we ever actually get to see the bear

[making small talk with a clown] So, when did you first realize you hated toddlers

[mutes the words reflecting and pool]

A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool… a parrot that speaks Italian [wife] Take it back

Days getting shorter for the next six months all because this drama queen earth is tilted on its axis. Stand up straight you ass hole

Think about it, two years ago we were a dead country. Now we're the hottest country in the world.

This is awful. One obvious solution is for police to insist that anonymous tipsters verifiably identify themselves before police act on such "tips." I get that "imminent danger" can mean time is of the essence, but if the danger is real, then the tipster should be willing to go on the record

It's been a tough week at work. I could really use a couple days off and ten million dollars

Nice scumbaggery you got going there. Be a shame if something happened to it

King of the fuckin jungle. An absolute unit

"I sleep with a baseball bat under my bed in case somebody breaks in and tries to pitch a no-hitter"

That’s not funny. My tradwife was killed when she fell ass first onto a mason jar while canning apricots

He ain’t gotta do shit, Hakeem. Get back to work

Like many people who have worked in politics for decades, I am baffled and upset to see candidates who say they are going to try to make things better defeating candidates who say they are trying to make it more or less like it was in the years before things tipped over into Oaf-Style Fascism.

Haha we’re fucking doomed

It’s funny in a not humorous way to me that when he says shit like this reporters don’t just bust out laughing and nobody goes, “c’mon” while their eyes roll all the way backwards

Look, I don't give a shit about the reflecting pool other than to say it should be where it is and it should be wet, but if worrying about it the way old dudes worry about their lawns and their flower bushes drives Trump completely out of his mind, I hope it stays fucked up forever

Audio of Collins and RFK Jr. having a conversation would sound like a cassette tape that's been left in a hot car.

HERR DERR DEE DERP

Please. My reflecting pool. It’s dying

SUMMER SOLSTICE FACTS • invented in 1964 for New York World's Fair • only time that sun actually wears sunglasses • longest day, also widest • ducks may fly in reverse • worms must wiggle backwards • marmot behavior remains unchanged • official food is toast

Historic come-from-behind winners

The whole internet loves Strait of Hormuz, a lovely strait that is always open! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the strait is closed

Schrödinger’s Strait

Stop voting for people who just want to be influencers.

Making up things to get people mad about is now the only plank in the GOP platform

Iran did the ol’ heads I win tails you lose with JD. Respect

[blank stare of realization] oh my god every single thing that’s happening is self inflicted

ETTGAAPO: everything Trump touches grows algae and peels off

Still searching for that special lady who will pluck the hair from my ears

while many of you are cheering the basket ball in new york i’ll be jeering the basket case in the white house!

Kash Patel taking notes on who to investigate

Did we sign the Big Beautiful Surrender yet

Absolute fuckery. I hope the judge has these dildos all jailed for wasting everybody’s time with this bullshit

Congratulations, sir, on your latest war-ending triumph. The people have been crying out for a Memorandum of Understanding strongly negotiated by their sleepy, rambling, sweaty, demented leader and now we have it. Bravo

You couldn’t make The Office today because three seasons was plenty

This isn't funny. My mother was killed by "fees"

This is, to me, a USAF veteran, the most fucking offensive thing about this entire disgusting spectacle. Fuck these people in the ears and may they all get cancer

Quote with a joke in your favorite Twitter’s Heyday (early-mid 2010s) tweet format. I’ll go first: My sleep number is “irreversible coma”

people on the left: I would like to better the lives of people I love and understand this will also better the lives of people I don't like people on the right: I would like to better the lives of people I love but if that also betters the lives of people I don't like then I don't want it at all

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FASCIST JESUS

I’m crying right now

Trailer park presidency

Nature is healing

Of all the terrible things that Trumpism has wrought, one of the worst is that losers no longer just quietly disappear forever

And here we go. Already Ive been tricked into sending my penis to three of these so called "Group chats". I now have no choice but to shut down my alt where I pretend to be a 36 yr old Sex Worker from Brooklyn, offering my calloused, world weary perspective interspersed with moments of gentle warmth