"We're listening. Tell us what you want." /Suburban MSNBC types and everyone who shops for groceries baying for the blood of reactionary billionaires and social democratic policies, eyes turning completely black, a keening unfathomable in its savagery "I think I heard 'targeted tax cuts for cops?'"

I’ll take things nobody wants or needs for $2000, Ken

I don’t know about anybody else but if so many people hated me that there were multiple attempts to kill me, I think I might consider being nicer

And yet…missed something else.

If history has taught us anything, it's that it's always a good idea to push back when the government demands that you turn over your list of Jews

All of this buildup… When it finally happens the celebrations are going to be CRAZY

“Whoops, you got me. I suck. I suck so much. Good job”

An armed man was stopped at the security cordon at a hotel last night. This proves the need for the government to build me the minor league ballpark with adjoining luxury apartment I’ve always wanted.

We really do live in a country of morons who just want keys dangled in front of their faces

lol every time this fascist jerkoff is unpopular completely harmless bullets magically appear

Technically, the acronym should be pronounced Rs-B-I

I think anyone who’s ever had their boss completely bumblefuck their work product before passing it along as finished can relate to this story

[whispering] The president is sleeping now; can you come back tonight, say 2:30 am, when he'll be angry and alert

“My name is Big Balls. I have come here to chew bubble gum and cause nuclear accidents… and I’m all out of bubble gum”

AOC to republicans

I’m sorry, did Virginia ruin your “We’ll Just Rat Fuck Our Way To Staying In Power” fun? Awww… tough shit. Cry more

Lol at Republicans hitting the “C’mon I’m just a little guy” about partisan gerrymandering in 2026. Got a problem, take it up with your loudmouth idiot boss

On top of being dumb and lazy, I think you’ll find that most cops are also scared shitless babies who treat everyone and every situation like a life threatening confrontation that must end in the death of anybody but them

Pain at the pump implies the possibility of pleasure at the pump.

This is welcome news because—and no offense to anybody intended—but it’s long past time to decouple U.S. interests in the region from those of Israel’s and end unconditional military and economic support

Schrödinger’s strait is both open and closed

If you’re new to following me know this, I have nothing to offer you but blood, toil, tears and sweat as I try to make this experience—which is entirely free of charge to you—as puzzling and irritating as possible

If you’re not grinding 24/7 you’re not serious about success

The first Democratic 2028 hopeful who says, “elect me and give me a senate majority and I will add not less than four new liberal justices to the court” gets my vote

Not every grifter is a celebrity evangelical christian but every celebrity evangelical christian is a grifter

Wait, what: FBI director, Kash "Unqualified Podcaster Shithead" Patel, is a danger to national security? That's crazy

Tan guy destable is how I am usually described to police after leaving a bar

Searching Wikipedia to hopefully learn why the word ‘rectify’ doesn’t refer to butt stuff

Every day a different billionaire says the most horrific movie villain thing you've ever heard but this guy and a grandpa from Vermont are the scary ones because they want to tax them

[gym locker room] Me: I had that same dream again Emily Blunt: I’m calling the police

(second date) me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Senator AIPAC is a sloppy fuckhead who loves being an asshole just to be an asshole. It's time to primary him, my Pennsylvania brothers and sisters in Christ

Your conservative friend who you've known forever and actually get along with agrees with this and sucks just like these people. Just so you know

Make everything cost more and alienate about 50 million voting-age Catholics is a brilliant masterstroke of election year strategy. Well done, sir. Have another diet coke on me

The whole thing is terrible, but the silver lining of the Swalwell debacle is the fact that the tech billionaire sociopaths who tried to Manchurian candidate him into the governor’s mansion and all their schemes are fucked, which is pretty cool

The Pope is WEAK on crime but a FREAK in the sheets

Okay, people, THINK. What else can we send JD Vance to fuck up

lmao we’re just minutes away from a fully blown presidential diaper and truth social rant

GUYS, THERE’S A WHOLE NEW BUNCH OF @sorrowscopes.bsky.social OUT. GET ON THAT SHIT AND FEEL THE PAIN OF YOUR EXISTENCE

Gemini: The acute agony you’ve been experiencing will let up a bit and morph into more of a vague dread that’s actually much, much harder to endure.

Sagittarius: Take a leadership role in your own life. First order of business: give yourself a demotion.

Pisces: Your eyes go black and birds fall out of the sky as you smile for the first time in centuries. All is transpiring according to prophecy.

Sorry, no healthcare for you or nutrition support for your kids because we need the money to prop up a pro-Russian dictatorship in Europe

Nothing demonstrates seriousness of purpose more than eschewing the experience and expertise of hundreds of career diplomats in favor of sending Jared Kushner

MY TOILET IS CLOGGED EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, I WILL BE STUFFING MORE AND MORE TOILET PAPER INTO IT

Crazy to think that JD Vance, the president’s son-in-law, and a real estate guy couldn’t negotiate a peaceful resolution

Longtime disdain for everything about UFC continually and thunderously vindicated

In a shocking development, America’s Powerless, Ceremonial Shithead has failed