Stephen Miller right now

This is completely mental, even for her

I'd describe myself as the Brett Favre of comedy: gunslinger, let the jokes fly, the occasional interception, have stolen millions of dollars in funds from the state of Mississippi intended for poor people

If you’d told Thomas Jefferson that one day we’d give the dumbest, most cruel morons among us body armor, firearms, and the power to assault and murder us with impunity, he would’ve been like, “Relax. Taxation without representation is how the world works. We’ll be fine. Thank you, your Majesty”

Scratch a cop or an ICE agent, find a sex pest

The funniest thing to me is when MAGA people are like, “my kids won’t talk to me anymore.” For Christs sake, have some self awareness, Adolf and Eva

In case you missed it last night: No, it is definitively not defamation to call Jonathan Ross a murderer, and people who say it is are liars or ignorant or both.

Two kinds of guy in this video Guy #1: the brutish dumbass we all knew in high school who would become enraged and throw hands after your third, “I know you are but what am I” Guy #2: the weirdo loser that nobody liked and was secretly devising a plan to murder everyone at school

Sir, no matter what we do we simply cannot get the media to stop talking about the Epstein files Trump: Stephen, tell ICE to start shooting people

wife: why is there cabbage all over the bathtub me: my showerkraut!

You have to understand, the agent involved is stupid. We begged him to stop standing in front of cars but he can’t figure it out. He’s stupid and he has anxiety from the time before when he was stupid, so we just have to let him pop off. We wish he weren’t, but he is. And we have to respect that

If there had been video of a federal agent shooting an unarmed, white, American citizen point blank in the face during the Obama or Biden administration, Fox News and congressional republicans would have incited people to set the entire country on fire

Put another way, “Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel.” - Samuel Johnson

The “prosecute the former regime at every level” candidate has my vote in 2028.

Good news on an otherwise extremely shitty news day

we interrupt the government coverup of the nation’s largest child sex trafficking scandal to bring you the government coverup of state sponsored murder.

“…conflicting accounts.” You guys are real pieces of shit, you know that? There’s video. Go watch it and then dare tell me you can’t tell who did what

It's nothing everyone doesn't already know, but ICE/CBP guys know they can do whatever they want. They're the absolute dregs of the Violence Worker Community, not trained for anything like what they're doing, out of their depth, all that. But it starts with them knowing they won't face consequences.

This is the guy. Put his fucking face everywhere. Somebody knows who he is

They will probably get away with this, but my hope is that someday we build an archive of all these citizen videos that can be used to identify and hunt down every single one of these bastards

yep. the guy is clearly standing to the side and continues to shoot as she drives past

Watch the second video. It was a murder. No joke

Never let a single goddamned person on the Right ever claim again that they’re the party of law and order without laughing in their lying face.

I would love to be as completely out of fucks to give as Tim Walz is right now

I’ve found that it’s a a real time saver to pronounce RFK Jr. (RFKJR) as Rafúckjer

Her: I’m leaving you Me: Why Her: I’m sick of you saying “time to target: 2 minutes 15 seconds. Maverick’s inbound” every time we have sex Me (softly while staring out the window): Talk to me, Goose

If your pitcher walks the number nine hitter, it should count as a home run. Stop nibbling and attack the zone, dumbass. You’re on a pitch count

I understand that without control of the House or Senate Democrats have very little ability to by themselves prevent the dangerous cruelty Trump is unleashing around the world. I would however like to request that every Democrat scream at the top of their lungs every time they’re on TV

Unfortunately, the video cuts off before Jake ends the interview and Stephen explodes into a swarm of bats

[stretching] Ahhh, what a great night’s sleep. Now back to the waking nightmare

Okay it sounds bad when you put it like that

How it’s going

In the meantime, the low-level looting of this country continues apace

They wanted the oil and they went in to get it. All the other justifications are as flimsy as the curtains they sat sweating behind for that ridiculous photo op

Mar-a-Lago staff taking down the situation room because the space is needed for a wedding

Hegseth is an unstable attention addict playing tough and Trump wanted a situation room photo like Obama got. Perfect match. They ran the raid from Mar a Lago, dawg. He probably flipped open that curtain like the Phantom of the Opera and started bragging to the nearest busboy

lol twitter deranged ass government

Wars are loved best by cowards and scumbags who’ve never had to fight in one

Hell is the middle seat, in economy row 34, with an angry toddler in the seat behind you, on a red-eye flight that lasts FOREVER [priest vomits]

i’m still writing mayor adams on my bribes

Yeah baby

Judge: the defendant will please rise Me: [stands up] Judge: the defendant will also lower his hands from his eyes. We can still see you

William Tell: Whoa, whoa, WHOA. GUYS. (calming down) It doesn’t have to be this hard

I just love it when I’m working my shift behind the bar, minding my own business and wiping the shit out of an already clean glass, and a cop comes in asking about a guy everybody in the place pretends not to know

Hey, @nytimes.com, I’m writing a piece about how you’re a bunch of fatuous, preening, frauds and not real journalists of any kind. Care to comment?

[removing an earbud] do you mind, I’m listening to a podcast Abe Lincoln: a what

Centrist Dem (an idiot): MTG is on our side, isn’t it wonderful Me:

Shen Yun is for people who’ve ever wondered what it would be like if Cirque du Soleil based a show on Scientology

Looking to raise $200 million for my new high tech security for rich people company, Voldemort