My parents are divorced so we have two January 6ths

we've got some ICE shit going down in our little town today and it took like three minutes for a convoy of wine moms to start chasing them around town. normies hate this shit and are putting in the work

At the club, wearing my new cologne: Amazon Basic for men.

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

2025 called. “lol”, it said, “lmao”

does anyone have a extra canada invite code

Zohran is already making Regular People's lives harder...

[God creating dogs] Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point

FUN FACT: the Gregorian calendar got its name when co-inventors greg and ian couldn't agree on the name

day one in mamdani’s new york

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

wow 2025 just got super cool, sorry you guys are missing it

crazy that it’s already 2027 in australia

maybe it's the booze talking but- HOLY SHIT THE BOOZE IS TALKING

dollar store ass obelisk

can you die of too much news

Who can ever forget this banger. We lost a real one.

Due to recent developments, I have made the decision to not perform at the Kennedy Center. Apologies to my numerous and devoted fans

my new theory is that once you have a certain amount of money and wealth you start to go crazy and detach from reality. that number is different for everyone. for me it's $20

when someone’s net worth reaches a billion dollars it should roll over to zero like the scores in old video games

deadass?

2026 PIN number sounding ass year. That's my freaking PIN number

[fifth day of christmas] me: (opening gift) oh wow gold rings my true love: technically they’re golden

my idiot neighbor still has his christmas decorations up lmao

Imagine you’ve been waiting for years and it’s finally your turn to carve the roast beast and then they let the fucking psycho who’s been terrorizing your village do it instead.

[somberly] You cannot serve both god and money [upbeat music hits] Until now. Introducing god as a service

crazy that mary and joseph thought they could just waltz in and book a room during the holidays

My Dad lacks confidence as a hardware store Santa, but he is greatly admired by his subordinates. He has Lowes Elf Esteem

NORAD Santa tracker is Woke

crazy that it's almost the fourth of july in australia

for the tenth year in a row neighborhood teens have desecrated my minion nativity scene

fun prank: have the kids catch mommy making out with santa claus, really going at it. they assume it's dad, but then dad walks in! (santa is actually mom's personal trainer Jörg)

"So we kill a tree" Ok "And put it inside our house" Nice "Then we hang up some socks" I'm with ya "And then we drink egg milk punch" What

He looks like he’s trying to stop his dog from leaving him

michael stipe: stand in the place where you live santa: ok michael stipe: now face north santa: fuck you

you (plebeian, unrefined): Die Hard is a Christmas movie me (worldly, sophisticated): Die Hard is a Christmas film

MY MOM: come on, you don’t have to be scared of back of the christmas blanket inverted color santa BACK OF THE CHRISTMAS BLANKET INVERTED COLOR SANTA:

😔

man they really need to do a better job of redacting these

finally sold all my toner futures. now to take a big sip of coffee and check the news

LaGuardia sounds like a virus your dog gets from eating a gyro off the street

In home alone, the same actor who plays one of the bad guys plays the cop at the beginning of the movie.

*watching a mcdonalds commercial in the 1980s* a singing moon? preposterous. put the clown back on

*smacking trans-siberian orchestra CD out of sons hand* we’re a mannheim steamroller family

in some personal news I came into a small fortune and quit my job today

I set up my thermostat so that if it gets below a certain temperature, the heat turns on.

My kids overheard me call our Christmas tree a thirsty bitch when I was giving it water

Blaming a year for how bad things are is so 2020

Powerful video depicting a symbol of American ideals, as a statue topples in the foreground

Neil DeGrasse Tyson: actually all Decembers are the same length Adam Duritz: how did you get in my house