John Weak

love that when you make a typo and then fix it, bluesky will sometimes leave a little link in your post to remind you of your transgression

RIP Kaleb Horton kalebhorton.ghost.io/2025-so-far/

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

DATE: so tell me about yourself ME: (remembering every accusation is a confession) I bet the waiter is good at sex

Same for four Americans. Just that they will shoot each other.

if four Canadians arrive at a 4-way stop at the same time they will all eventually die there

[to waiter at chain restaurant] a round of free margaritas or I tell you it's my birthday

happy birthday @danmentos.com

*forgets to bring phone into the bathroom* i’m off the grid

post-rapture earth seems pretty cool until you realize all the dogs will be gone

fuck the equinox!!!!!!! im a solstice man

*walks into my first day of work at a think tank* think tank? more like stink tank guy who hired me: I told you he was good

not to brag but today’s my friday

boarding a spirit airlines flight and just saw the pilot drawing a line on a globe with a crayon

I'm not sure about this branding but I'm not the billionaire business genius

me: damn spotify just keeps playing the same songs [spotify plays me a new song] me: what is this horseshit

man: the busiest ape

"Revolutionising the way you think about chicken" mother fucker you have no clue how I think about chicken. You are not remotely in the same ballpark as my chicken thoughts. Fuck you

if Michael Bublé sang Halloween songs he’d be Michael BOO-blé folks I’m sorry

Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases

Do you think unbending Clippy until he was a long piece of metal would be painful for him. Or do you think it would cause him to feel a great sense of relief

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income me: No problem broker: Where are you currently employed? me: Spirit Halloween

everybody had fun last night everybody wanged chung last night

"it's always monday somewhere" I say as I pull up a spreadsheet on a friday night

It's Friday night baby

The problem with every post-Millennial generation is they got to go straight to high speed internet. Of course you'll get computer madness that way. Make them start with those old screeching modems and work their way up

wazzzaaaa dude happy birthday lol 😝 hope you’re having a good one wish i was there Also we all know the secret we share. Into the depths of darkness men like us tread. The hunger that drives us away from the light.

maybe it’s the mandela effect but I remember weekends having three days

Villager Bernard: Greetings, traveler. Headed west, are ye? I have a gift for you. [1 Lobster has been added to your inventory]

Grape Nuts (holding me back): Whoa whoa whoa, hey man, just let it go! This asshole isn't worth it!

ok nice rehearsal everyone, great work all around

long weekend at bernie's

i was just making pottery and i felt donald trump's tiny hands on mine. probably nothing

this site is bad! it's going to fail! its user base has plateaued! it's not making any money! nobody here is smart except for me! everybody here is stupid! nobody is having any good discussions! i don't like being here! ok that's it for now. be back in 90 minutes

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

(mf doom voice) he threw a sandwich cheese and salami, feds couldn't indict folded like origami, afraid of subway both the chain and the train, mayo salt and pepper shake your thang, grand jury shut em down twice, coca cola on the side no ice

The mental health benefits of not knowing any history right now must be massive. Moving through your day with total equanimity. What happens next? Who knows? Maybe something good

A jury of my peers? TWELVE murderers?!

RoboCop: *about to arrest me* Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them RoboCop: i’m going to let you off with a warning

[god inventing horses] make a sexy donkey

Epstein and Maxwell in a few months

rise and shine!!!

some patients are going to die, and you have to find a way to accept that - it’s just part of being a really bad chiropractor

[pearly gates] st peter: *holding out ipad* it's going to ask you a question

*shows up to a knife fight in a suit made of cutting boards*

call me when radiohead releases an "Everything in Its Right Place" dishwasher