guy commissioning a bust of himself: how will you determine the shipping charges me: weigh a head of you

just drank exactly one (3) beer

New bit I've perfected if anyone brings up a problem: I don't really follow politics but it was never like this before Trump. "But the Democrats and the funding and--" Yeah like I said I don't really follow that. There was always politics but before Trump it was never like this. That's all I know

[tries to call psychic hotline from airplane but instead calls radio station] "hello you're on the air" holy shit

the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

For Your Consideration: Best Short Film (Live Action)

Q. Will there be email at the party? A. Yes. There will be an email station at my birthday party.

BREAKING: In Final Act, Chuck Norris Defeats Chuck Norris

"Hello? Who is this?" Roger "Roger from accounting?" Negative "Bill from legal who misuses CB radio slang?" Roger

Carlos? It's your cousin, Marvin… Marvin Santana featuring Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20. You know that new sound you're looking for?

today is short skeet day. please limit y

fuck the equinox !!!!! i hate it!! im a #solsticeman

guy at the gas station launches into a sprawling abe simpson story about the most he ever lost on a coin toss

Hi, first time listener, long time caller. So you guys have been putting me on the radio?

who's your favorite patrick? for me it's saint

Iran is going to win the Super Bowl next year

today I saw two little kids coming out of karate class and said "uh oh looks like we got a couple of green belts" long story short I'm in the hospital now

just lost $200 on the in memoriam

what idiot call it the kings speech instead of stutter island #Oscars2011

loving a quick breakfast of Grab n’ Go Wrapped & Ready Craveable Tasteable’s

sorry guys this is all my fault

every time you miss a crosswalk in a captcha, a waymo runs over a child

why is everyone so concerned with oil prices. how often do you realistically change your oil? maybe every two years? cmon

The Strait of Hormuz is open for transit

Says a lot about him that he's still on twitter :/

Hay. Been trying to eat you - Frank Black Beauty

not a big sports guy but if I'm reading my timeline right, bam adebayo scored 83 points to lead italy over team usa in the world baseball classic

I just threw a mushroom at a plumber and nothing happened

Toad who lost his wife in the seventh war against Bowser: oh hey I guess they all decided to play tennis together ok that’s fine that’s ok

As a long-time Windows 95 user who hated Solitaire, I could navigate the Strait of Hormuz with ease

90s Captain Ahab: Thar she blows. Thar she blows again.

PSA: The Bluesky Early Access Program will end at midnight PST. All accounts created with invite codes will be permanently deleted. Thank you for your participation.

Pretty sure the Kool-Aid man stayed in this hotel room once

not to brag but I’m halfway done filling my basement with gasoline

I'm supposed to get married this year but look around. How can I bring a wife into this world

Hey there Delilah What's it like for you online I will protect you from harassment And respect you for your mind please send feet

Happy International Women’s Day from Pitbull

I'll spring forward when I'm dead (I've rigged my coffin to catapult my body across the reception room)

who’s ready for the short weeknd?

doctor: it’s a boy! mom: what should we name him dad (visibly drunk): MARKWAYNE

Thank you for having International Women's Day on the shortest day of the year

after 7 shots of tequila and countless modelos I am now being told that cinco de marzo is not a thing?

If you're at the airport and Kristi Noem is doing the ominous little message from the TSA screens, you no longer have to do anything she says. Leave your laptop in the case, whatever.

PSA: The Bluesky Early Access Program will end at midnight PST. All accounts created with invite codes will be permanently deleted. Thank you for your participation.

when someone’s net worth reaches a billion dollars it should roll over to zero like the scores in old video games

Myself & the other comedians who did the Riyadh Comedy Festival are donating our fees to help get influencers under attack in Dubai back home to their influencer houses. I am sponsoring Braevyn McTaigg from Orlando, FL. 🫡🇺🇸🏝️

not to brag but I’m halfway done filling my basement with gasoline