oh my god? less than 5 days to pledge to this campaign and I’m at 83% of my goal. i wonder if i can reach a hundred per cent in time…. 🤔 seedandspark.com/fund/girlie

I am a: ⚪️ man ⚪️ woman 🔘cat looking for: ⚪️ A relationship ⚪️ A friendship 🔘 little a salami

Wife bought some scissors from a trusted brand

I don't think Santa likes being called that.

to:[email protected] Subject: today i think , at least 3 kids, , died today weird thinjk i shuld give the whole factory , to this dumb kid, , ,

can you be more specific

a lot of people regretting the 'this shoulda been an email' advice rn lol

[a pilgrim is about to shoot me] oh no please not the trombone gun lmao

DO NOT REPEAT THIS INSIGHT

horses are just sexy donkeys DO NOT REPEAT THIS INSIGHT

holy shit

Help mom I’m being bullied by 87 year old novella writer Joyce Carol Oates again can you pick me up

we need a Democratic party for the left

Cool photo I took a few seconds after waking up when Joe Camel hit me with his car

sorry, just got this. are you guys still at the spooktacular?

I tried to whistle over a stray cat in my neighborhood and a woman walked by, who I worried thought I whistled at her. So I said “im whistling at the cat” but when I looked back down at it I realized it was just an old fast food bag

Might mess around and withdraw the energy from my senses for around 7–8 hours, becoming much less responsive to stimuli

[hot ones] me: *finishes off gallon of milk* sean evans: ok are you ready for your first wing

Gotta say, I’m not so confident that you do

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

Heads up! If your feed feels especially sparse and devoid of thoughtless drivel lately, check your content filter settings. While well intended, the new default settings are borderline draconian

How pissed would you be if you were giving a smooch to a frog and it turned into a human man. Oh I gotta deal with this guy now

Wow private equity strikes again I guess 😡

everyone automatically clacks these twice upon picking them up because deep down we all know we’re crabs

that was truly the world series of poker of baseball

My neighbour still has his Halloween decorations up!

"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are" Ok. BTW what's my last name? "Scissorhands"

me: are you familiar with the infinite universe theory gf: yeah of course me: so there must be one where I run over your dad with a go-kart gf: I guess so me: so *pulling out flowers from behind my back* you can see how this isn’t my fault

trick or treating is so bad this year. almost no one giving out candy or even coming to the door

I'm really asking a lot of these multivitamins

Sincere post: it is one of the greatest joys of my adult life to be able to see the magic of the holidays renewed through the eyes of a younger generation. Hunting for eggs on Easter, Trick or Treating on Halloween, hiding under the covers so the Night Turkey doesn't peck your penis off, Santa Claus

Dreamed I was drinking a new subtype of Twinings English Breakfast tea called Tragic Accent

ten years ago we fucking loved science. now we skibidi toilet chicken jockey six seven

I should’ve learned this by now but DO NOT use FedEx. The diseased monkeys I ordered haven’t arrived and I can’t get a straight answer on what happened to them

is that baseball game still going

kids: trick or treat! me: ok who do we have here kid 1: a ghost! me: ohh scary kid 2: a goblin! me: spoooky kid 3: a ghoul me: sounds made up

I've already forgotten the details of this woman's whole deal but just off the cuff I'd say if you have any dalmatian puppies keep an eye on them

*replying to friend’s newborn baby photos* so adorable. what prompt did you use

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

just finished putting out my halloween decoration (Teddy Ruxpin with cassette tape of Ministry's Psalm 69 on loop)

Sure, turkey bacon manufacturer website, you can store files on my device. But only what's strictly necessary, ok?

I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnng john silver's gift card

in local crime news, someone stole all the reese's peanut butter cups from the five pound bag of halloween candy my wife bought from costco yesterday

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

when you're enjoying the sports posts and then you see a politics post

just completed a task