whenever I get a USPS email about my incoming "mailpieces" I feel like I'm in a cormac mccarthy novel

Imagine your mom saying the best five minutes of her life was Eminem’s 2000 VMA performance, now you know how my kids feel

need to write a mother's day card but I'm out of tokens

I recently started buying whole loaves of bread from the bakery and slicing it as needed and I gotta say, it's the greatest thing since uh

"it's always monday somewhere" I say as I pull up a spreadsheet on a friday night

guy climbing out of time machine: I'm here to stop the pandemic me: you missed it, covid was six years ago guy: what's covid

job interviewer: hi, how are you me: legally you can’t ask me that

the wi-fi is out so i can't stream any music from my phone so i have been forced to use my mp3 player and wired ear buds to mow the lawn like my pioneer ancestors when they plowed their fields

Witch: I see you chose the potion that makes you ugly, I thought for sure you’d choose the one that steals your voice. Me, eyes filling with tears:

Bert and Ernie should have their own show. I don't want to have to watch Sesame Street to see what they're up to. I'm not 5

I can’t afford the fancy AI apps so instead I’ve fallen in love with Google Authenticator

boarding a spirit airlines flight and just saw the pilot drawing a line on a globe with a crayon

[writing in funeral book] He owed me $50. No rush.

Cold plunge tub salesman: in an ideal world, how would you start each day Me: cup of coff- Him: that's right, a simulation of an ice fishing accident

The newly hired bus driver, Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, declined to comment on the incident, citing a pending investigation

I can’t afford the fancy AI apps so instead I’ve fallen in love with Google Authenticator

ME: (texting my gen z coworker as our cfo struggles to figure out how to screenshare) get a load of this boomer GEN Z COWORKER: (quickly clicking over from the other group chat where they're roasting the huge gob of blue cheese dressing that's been dripping down my chin all meeting) haha totally

no one can afford to fly anymore so they're rebranding airports as shopping malls

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool "This is my 24th winter" Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

this would fix the website

Me: [handing waiter a $50 gift certificate] Waiter: sorry, that's expired Me: [handing him a $50 bill] how about now

my “eat whatever you want but only using chopsticks with your non-dominant hand“ diet is going great. I just finished yesterday’s lunch

just opened Animal Crossing for the first time in two years and they were having a funeral for me

having sex is like riding a bicycle. I've never ridden a bicycle

I think those 6 beers might have been drugged

just got to coachella and man I can’t believe how easy parking is

selecting the window seat and immediately closing the shade to protect my fellow passengers from witnessing the blasphemy of human flight

Boston Market recently changed their name to Boston MARKET, a move that increased their market capitalization by 500%

oh great now where am I supposed to get my world’s biggest condoms

This view of the Moon from Artemis II is just… WOW!

happy alt text awareness day to those who celebrate

If I get replaced by an LLM, I won't tell anyone — but there will be signs. 🚀

cowboy who stubbed his toe:

Boss: what the hell are you doing that's too many planes coming in way too fast Tetris World Champion: don't worry I got this

Melania: I never cut child in half with sword. I never do this. The entire USA: what? Melania: not me.

gamer: no thanks bro FAA: you'll get to say nine with a hard R gamer: when can I start

I have a perfect idea for fixing and funding this app simultaneously: make each reply cost $1, to be refunded when it is liked by the OP.

hey for no particular reason I just wanted to say that I was not friends with jeffrey epstein. barely knew the guy

You couldn’t have done that before I texted all my exes?

This view of the Moon from Artemis II is just… WOW!

The Garden of Earthly Delights (detail), by Hieronymus Bosch, 1480-1505, 📸 by @alexbrandon

Donald Trump due to your recent erratic statements and actions I believe you may be suffering from undiagnosed adhd and/or imposter syndrome. Please watch Bo Bornman "Inside" immediately !!!!!!!!!!

ME: I know you from somewhere JESUS: I get that a lot ME: No I’m sure JESUS: Just one of those faces ME: [holding my arms out] Go like this

Yoshi is a male dinosaur who lays eggs. Stop and think.

wife: he named our pet "Macklemore" therapist: totally unacceptable me: it's a turtle therapist: that somehow makes it ok