That one narcissist at work

More companies should lose tremendous amounts of money tbh

Doing kickflips in front of her house until she falls in love with me.

This dystopian future is brought to you by weedy, anti-social little shits, who couldn't get a date, and who are now trying to replace us all with robots, because a robot can't/won't say no.

[jurassic park] ALAN GRANT: the t-rex can’t see you if you don’t move ME: *In The Air Tonight on my headphones gets to the drum solo part* fuck fuck fuck

I love how spell check won't automatically infill the word "cunt" but you can tell it gives up and concedes that it is actually a word by not underlining it

He’s a 10 but, he leaves the bed at 2 am to play “Pokemon Go “ (fuck randoms)

This morning in Biddeford, Maine, a 26-year-old man said goodbye to his wife and daughter and left for work. Moments later he was dead, shot in the head by ICE agents, the second man ICE has killed in six days. ICE is killing our neighbors. ICE cannot be reformed. Abolish ICE.

This is fucked. I just learned that Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum will use digital technology to de-age Gollum

me: I just read the gnarliest book where these two sisters get their dad drunk so they can bang him her: what the hell are you reading?! me: the book of genesis lmao you guys are freaks

In my day, “apple bottom genes” were what your fat-assed mother gave you

is that a gun in your pocket or are you just omg ok you’re robbing me

Women on the internet are like wolves. Beautiful from a distance. Get too close and they might mistake you for prey and rip your throat out.

Nuremberg trials are the moderate position.

when i go out i keep a box of bandaids rolled up in my t-shirt sleeve so i look cool and for just in case my friends get any little boo-boos

Change a video game, make it sports. New York Metroid

jump scare but it’s someone liking a 6 month old reply

But they were, all of them, deceived, for among the burgers and fries there was a Sixth Guy

Bruce Wayne sweating around his billionaire buddies as he tries to convince them, yes, he absolutely definitely voted for President Penguin.

Typo! at the Dicso

Sam Neill was a terrific actor, but more importantly he was a great human being. He is loved, and will be missed. It’s not every actor who could play the Antichrist, a Russian submarine commander, and a dinosaur scientist. You will see Montana, sir. Godspeed.

me tuning into any sports game ever: “so which ones are the bad guys?”

Song this as lyrics to “Barracuda” 🎶

I don't trust anyone who owns a label maker. That's not organization. That's someone building a case

when life hands you lemons say no thank you bc fresh fruits and vegetables are giving people explosive diarrhea rn

Remember, when purchasing alcohol, only purchase Celebrity Branded Alcohol, pinnacle of quality and worthy of the 30% mark up

Bruce Wayne getting assassinated, not because he's Batman, but because he was the only billionaire not selling crypto.

AI gets pitched like it’s KITT from Knight Rider but in reality it’s more like getting Ratatouille’d by one of those wasps that lays eggs in your brain stem

i’m a little too excited for my bananas to ripen

Selling the weed that makes you giggle the way you do did when you found out Lindsey Graham died

Gonna start commenting on my own posts "this one killed on Mastodon"

I called the cat an asshole and my wife said “Animals aren’t assholes” so I mentioned geese and she said “OK, you got me”

What idiot called it priest school and not Friar Tech

microdosing republican death until we can get the full dose

Sad to hear about the passing of Lindsey Graham, United States senator and grandfather of rap superstar Aubrey Drake Graham

thinkin about getting “firework” tatted across my knuckles but it’s too many letters

if bsky wants to verify my age it should let me upload a pic of my blockbuster card

I think the problem with the Rock is that the Rock still thinks he’s really cool while John Cena realized that he’s a ridiculous human being and did interesting things with that and Batista realized he was a ridiculous human being and decided to become Daniel Day Louis

Spent the eve of my birthday eating chocolate ice cream and rewatching Kill Bill: Volume 1 with my husband which is the correct and right way to spend a birthday eve.

Panic! At Any Given Location

I'm not seeing anyone speaking ill of Sam Neill, because he was a good man who harmed no one and brought joy to many RIP to a real one

what if we just made everything not shitty has anyone thought of that

who up who waking they bake

did he get the explosive diarrhea

🎵 IT’S TOM HARDY HE’LL DO A VOICE IF HE WANTS TO A VOICE IF HE WANTS TO A VOICE IF HE WANTS TO

if my enemy dies, of course I will immediately acknowledge the best part about them: being dead

A shot for shot remake of “The Piano” but with any other instrument

Enola Holmes 3 just dropped on the Netflix. Took a shot every time someone said "of course" and I have died of alcohol poisoning six times. There is still half an hour left in this movie. Someone please send help.

don’t listen to my stock tips they could crash the whole system (wink wink)