I finish my talk on the pompatus of love. 'Bravo, Space Cowboy' shouts one member of the audience. 'Simply superb, Gangster Of Love' shouts another. 'Well done, Maurice' shouts my Mom from the back row even though I told her not to come and now my street cred IS RUINED.

My uncle died doing what he loved: arguing that seatbelts are a government conspiracy. The funeral was closed casket. Obviously.

It’s OK to be horny on main, the rules don’t matter anymore

Normalize sacrificing greedy land developers in sleepy coastal towns to a vengeful sea god.

5th person to like this will get a wet Willie

Hello 9-1-1? Yeah, so my cat won’t keep his bow tie on.

When customers say, “Have a blessed day!” I respond that the cursed amulet won’t let me

i can't believe we are in the matrix I can't even feel the goo

What idiot called it a safe and not the Bankrooms

What idiot called it “the sale of indulgences” instead of Prayola

who called it a bad omen and not a poortent

Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just being supportive

I got confused and used good judgement.

a short skirt and a loooooooooong party sub

got cursed by a witch again for using their cauldron to make tie-dye shirts

DVD DnD 🤝 Player

Cher is short for Jack Reacher

chat you wouldn’t gaslight me would you

It's almost like having shit tons of money doesn't make you more qualified to run everything?

I may not be a damsel but I make up for it by being extra in distress

just saw somebody use "you look like you iron your clothes" as a burn on Instagram and it was so stupid that it was good

Doctor (to patient's family): I'm so sorry...bro is cooked

I'm sorry I light up a room but unfortunately that's baked into my physiology you unwhimsical bitch

i think they should leave the ufc arena up as a reminder of how stupid this country got

Haven't seen this many musicians pulled from a mall since Sam Goody went out of business.

Comedians and their commitment to the bit. Gambling addicts and their commitment to the bet. Bruce Wayne and his commitment to the bat. Russia and their commitment to the bot. Sir Mix-A-Lot and his commitment to the butt.

Things I'd rather hold than a guy's hand - a fat pigeon - a grudge - a warm towel - an animal's paw - my breath

Even mosquitoes take a break from sucking every once in a while.

I told my kid that in Sweden a karate instructor is callled a svensei and then my wife called the cops.

manic yeti scream girl dinner

Fun stoner game: Bring the most unhinged smoke contraption. Most giggles wins.

the printer keeps jamming, and worse, it's playing Phish

UBER DRIVER TO AIRPORT: fly safe! ME: you too!! 👋

ME: no one ever listens to me THERAPIST: you too

the high cost of bouncy castles is largely due to inflation

well, well, well, if it isn’t the baby whose nose i stole

Radiohead is R.E.M.’s Wario. I will not be taking questions.

Fucking poltergeists, man. Always moving the lamp a few inches—never scrubbing the shitter.

pronouncing “LMAO” like “el-mayo”

People say “There’s strength in numbers” People also say they hate math

If you can’t beat them, pay someone else to do it for you instead.

A scalding hot shower isn’t enough. I need to jump into a volcano.

Maybe it's time to reread The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Just in case.

trying to hide my disappointment when the waiter brings the salad which is not, in fact, the size of a house

"French" is just slang for Refrencherator

“Can you be more entertaining than a podcast” you know what i think i can

every room is an escape room when i'm in it

Don’t get your graduate what they need, get your graduate what they want. We’re open ’til midnight.

Of course I dabble in witchcraft, I can fold a fitted sheet.

Little Debbie snack cakes are just low budget petit fours.