"Your response to stimuli is stimuli to me" that's so seductive but I assure you I can silent disco without the cap guns

someday i’m going to be on top of things enough that there will only be two books on my coffee table

Me: Please spare us! Alien: You just explained to us that humans think murder is “cozy.” Me: Yeah, true, maybe it’s for the best.

sometimes i’m tempted to look up whatever it is people are talking about on here, but it has done wonders for my mental health to get out of that habit

Can I sing? Not really. Do I sing? Absolutely!

this view of my balcony is why saxophone heavy jazz music was invented

they should leave an empty page at the end of history books to signify that the future is up to you…i’d draw a dragon with a huge wang on it

Tonight's Low Quality Ad is for Aristocrat Pet Portraits. Your pet already thinks of you as a lowly servant, so you might as well have them painted to portray the level of wealth and status they believe they possess. collabs.shop/023tfe

if you see a very tall woman at the grocery store sweating and crying while trying to climb in with the frozen foods just leave her alone

when your body says close your eyes and rest but your brain says remember that time you stood up at work and your pants fell down taking your underwear with them

when you're 2 months old and have already seen too much

i let leilani lick my forearm for too long and now it feels like i've got a very localized sunburn

Zero sugar, zero caffeine, zero joy, zero precipitation, zero humidity. Hold up, Kevin, that's not a beverage. You've picked up Death Valley in a can.

First, they came for the pedophiles, and I did n-- *touching earpiece* oh, they didn't?

[avengers mansion] CAP: good morning Avengers let's begin IRON MAN: wait spider-man is missing OPEN MOUTH MAN: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite

Beauty. From a negative in my collection, no date/info.

Make our own urban legend together and chill.

Sixty-five years ago today, four first-graders desegregated New Orleans's public schools: Ruby Bridges at William Frantz Elementary School, and Leona Tate, Tessie Provost, and Gail Etienne at McDonogh 19 Elementary School. They faced violent mobs and threats to their lives. They were 6 years old. 🗃

LinkedIn’s a ripoff. How many times do I gotta click “Improve your profile” to get this rhinoplasty

[giving you a tour of the office on your first day and stopping at the paper cutter] this is where we keep the sword

POV you're experiencing playtime in revolutionary new ways that are not just fun, they're also educational

so those guys requiring schools to have charlie kirk statues, did they remember to restrict what quotes can be engraved on the statues or what?

It soothes my bitter heart to know that no matter how much money Elon Musk has, he will never, ever be funny t.co/QhuKU9HCxA

ODIN SKYLINE CLEANSE 🐕🖤

If trickle-down economics worked, we wouldn't be struggling to afford groceries while billionaires reach a record $8 TRILLION in wealth. If trickle-down economics worked, we wouldn't be struggling to afford healthcare while Wall Street soars. We've been scammed. Tax the rich.

THURSDAY ART SHOW! If you are a working artist (i.e. you depend on income from your art) just respond to this post with your non-pornographic, non-violent, non-Al generated ✨CAT-RELATED✨ art/crafts and I will repost! From now until 9 pm EST. Include any relevant links like your website or etsy!

why do storks only bring babies why can’t one bring me a cannoli

welcome back. if you're just joining us, nazis are defending pedophiles

I get to the interplanetary brunch, and my friends all look at me, the sole Earthling at the table. One asks, "How are you holding up there, buddy?" “We've all been thinking about you…,” says another.

It’s always “I wanna post a banger” and never “I wanna bang a poster”.

‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation

i have a favorite mailbox. hi! im 90 years old in this post

god forbid women have hobbies

In a parallel universe I'm living everything the same after the cross-universe lawsuit about keeping backup files

An update on the state of Trout’s whiskers.

premium unleaded protein shake

10th-Grade Prodigy Studying Mathematics At 10th-Grade Level https://theonion.com/10th-grade-prodigy-studying-mathematics-at-10th-grade-l-1819577209/

sure it gets dark at 4pm in fall here but everything looks like this for a few hours before then

Unlike other newspapers, The Onion has never once declined to print pictures of Donald Trump with girls in bikinis in Jeffrey Epstein’s kitchen. Please subscribe to The Onion. membership.theonion.com

Long awaited sex bots arrive, immediately self destruct rather than deal with men

You're at the Oval Office. I need you at prison.

A lot on your mind? Feeling down, discouraged, defeated? Can’t sleep? Maybe all you need is an energy boost. Take one dose of Josie twice a day and feel better in no time.

Frankenstein 2: Pig in the City

*brings the true meaning of Christmas to a sword fight. killed instantly

I’ve seen this shared several times with the header and footer not visible, so you can’t see the artists’s name. Credit: Leo the Alien — alienyrox on redbubble and other platforms.

Friendly reminder that dishwashers made after 1995 or so are so water and energy efficient that even if you ran them twice fully loaded it would still use less water than handwashing the same load. So many "green" things feel like sacrifices. Dishwashers are not one of them.

banned from the criterion closet for repeatedly asking where i might find the The Bye Bye Man

I’m too stupid to be a physicist but just smart enough to think I am one when I listen to one speak