empowering affirmation of the day: “I’m not going to be the temu version of myself anymore”

cashier: "that's 14.68" me: "great year! i miss it every day." cashier: me: "churning my own butter was a simpler time" cashier: "do you want a bag"

cuck chair chats are when you’re in a group chat with 2 other people & keep liking their texts without joining in

there’s no gentle way to ask someone if they were in the trucker convoy

absolutely

protein’s publicist has never been better

Someone, somewhere, is using ChatGPT to write a eulogy

someone who wasn’t around for 9/11

Having a large TV has changed me. I now watch people scream on reality TV with confidence.

Wtf is this and did I mean this to be a notes app journal entry I delete after

Don’t listen to those assholes, Toad

“I love how it’s kind of fucked up!” - boss feedback on video compilation I made set to music for the charity run we did

therapists as references on resumes when

Every once in a while I’ll reactivate threads to read a post and each time the entire feed is people trying to out or cancel someone. Seems exhausting

The Price Is Right has taken a dark turn

texting my therapist

“I rolled my ankle” - every guy when I was in high school I hope the rolling of ankle situation has improved since

Los Angeles discussing homelessness: “Our unhoused neighbors” My hometown discussing homelessness: “The walking dead who are an eye sore downtown” You can do this for pretty much any social issue.

When I walk a lot without my Fitbit on, I understand how Michelle Pfeiffer must have felt in I Am Sam (2001) when she took on that case pro bono

sir, the top reaction from your own country is the laughter emoji

AI ads are very chill and make me want to proceed

Is that “so Taurus of me” or is my iron just low

my vision board the week before menstruation

starting a support group for owners of the iphone mini

Friend: Let's get together! What's your calendar look like? Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

There’s no chill way to tell someone you recognize their last name from the mausoleum

Joe Pesci as a gyno telling the patient they have more than one uterus

Joe Pesci as a gyno telling the patient they have more than one uterus

“Let’s see if it breaks me heart” - me in an Irish accent, about to open an “iPhone photo memory” notification

Have been sending this to my boss when I’ve completed my work from home and am clocking out

rest assured, my pr team will be addressing the skater lesbian stolen valour associated with me wearing vans checkered slide-ons at the upcoming press conference

why is it that you can tell just by looking at a man if his tim hortons coffee order is large triple triple

“Become” lmao

remember when all of the closeted MAGA ppl posted charlie kirk for like 2 months then went back to lurking and never posting or engaging again

I made this joke to a friend and they ignored it. This has 5k likes. Letting the friend know, will report back.

you could just make a wedding invitation with your crush’s name as the groom/bride and send it out. it is not illegal and after all of the RSVPs they’ll probably just agree to it.

Would be amazing if before we advance AI, we could advance my phone not putting “ALS” every time I try to send “also”. Conversations are taking a devastating turn.

nuclear bomb cloud hair with extremely sharp fades + very tight shirts took over and not one person has had sex since that day

I ask myself this same question every year

#art #bansky

I like to send my mom photos of kittens with high cheekbones that look like her. She usually ignores the text. Praying my last one lands.

[to the tune of “I can help”] fuckin’ hell

just remembered the line from that alan jackson song where he says he doesn’t know the difference between iraq and iran. baby it was 2002, ask jeeves

finally a win for this poor guy

“Let’s see if it breaks me heart” - me in an Irish accent, about to open an “iPhone photo memory” notification

Knowing I have a nicer coffee table than Elon Musk is what I needed this week

gave in and joined this trend

In case you guys need a side hustle