“Let’s see if it breaks me heart” - me in an Irish accent, about to open an “iPhone photo memory” notification

Knowing I have a nicer coffee table than Elon Musk is what I needed this week

gave in and joined this trend

In case you guys need a side hustle

maybe we should improve autocorrect before we jump into AI

Iran war to distract from the Epstein files to distract from Donna Kelce renovating her home

? is this because i said i’d switch teams for kyle richards

Hey. It’s us. Home Depot. On this Lady Day, we wanted to remind you that women are ppl. Use code TheyExist2 for 2% off shipping of your 3rd next purchase. If you’re related to a woman, or god forbid, are one, please take 5 seconds today to remember that Marilyn Monroe was sexy.

name a woman

I used to wear headbands in high school because of Lauren Conrad so I truly cannot judge

man, i don’t know matt at all irl but ive read his stuff for years and let me just say that he’s not someone you lay off he’s someone you get in a bidding war over

do I make you rrrrrandy baybay

an air bnb brought to you by the year I longed for death

he ran on business man funny dance men can be honest again without being called bigots red hat

“are you cool or will you bring your guitar places”

gas station security height measuring stick just clocked my ass

Sometimes I’ll feel like I’m doing okay mentally and then I’ll yawn out the word “help”

Jehovah’s Witness brochure gets it

How I arrived to BlueSky

the dad from the nanny is top 10 most handsome and charming men to exist. going to say he’s a good person too based on very little other than him and his wife of forever seem cute. this is exactly how I would write his biography.

“have you ever dated tony shaloub?” “you should check if paul reiser is single” - friend who thinks he’s being supportive of “my type”

plz leave us out of this

wait, I know you! we were in the same grade at twitter

chef ben being chronically late because he has a crush. painfully relatable. #belowdeckdownunder

hurts so good to think about this tweet again

I just worked out until I was drenched in sweat and then showered for a long time. This feeling is as close as we get to joy and accomplishment in 2026.

[brick house tune] he’s a thick mouse 🎶

my first name means honey and my last name means blossom - do NOT f*ck with me

this absolute dump truck showed up on my pinterest feed

tom hanks always looks like he’s saying “yes, he is my biological son” in every photo with chet

Canadians don’t know what to do with themselves when they get attention

I need Jesse who wrote “never change” to know his curse sadly worked

a vague photo while moving things from storage

when you’re sick as a kid you get taken care of and checked on, when you’re sick as an adult it is annoying to others and also you are lying

Italian Robin Williams politely waiting for his turn so he can do a Pavarotti impression

[interrogation room] sebastian (the little mermaid, 1989): “darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me…” detective: ”okay, so comments like this are a big part of why you’re here today, do you get that?”

me finding out a local store ordered a lamp for me that I couldn’t track down anywhere online

[interrogation room] sebastian (the little mermaid, 1989): “darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me…” detective: ”okay, so comments like this are a big part of why you’re here today, do you get that?”

goodnight

my nonno hearing you call it parmesan instead of parmigiano reggiano #RHOBH

my friend and I really love the mini crab pen holder so she got me one last month and this month I got a multi-pack for her and her 2 little kids. I sent this as their notice that theirs had arrived

[ChatGPT when you share you’re in the Epstein files] Take a deep breath and listen close. ✨ Soliciting is *not* trafficking and you were open and transparent about your goal in this exchange — that shows authenticity and integrity.

Chappell Roan firing her agent because he flirted with Ghislaine before she was a known sex trafficker makes me feel like she already wanted to can that guy

why does she sound like she chanted this from the back of a middle school auditorium during an anti-drinking presentation

is temu ok

phone recording just said “no abusive language will not be tolerated” wow, thank you for giving me this freedom but I will pass on the abusive language today, thank you ❤️

Feels like the week we decide between making him a Hitler for 25 years while he orders executions from the YES/NO ipad in his wheelchair and oxygen tank ~OR~ making him a the most hobbled and incapable lame duck in the history of the Presidency until he's either removed or quits next year.

the rebranding after all of the glitter/drag makeup/fireworks videos went viral

[President Donald]