It feels like the heat around dumb comments by celebrities about the opera and cats is maaaaaaybe misplaced rage at the actual horrors??

I talk about daylight savings as much as Cate Blanchett talks about leaf blowers. And I hate those too.

This is the week we add an hour of daylight to the hottest part of the day?

I remember a time when I wasn’t afraid of summer or phones. I dislike rising temperatures and I dislike carrying every person I’ve ever come into contact with around in my hand where they can reach me in multiple ways. Luddite? I’d go further. Let me creep backwards into the sea and become a fish.

Sorry for the joke-less PSA, but!!! Just a reminder that Covid can present like a mild cold or allergies so just be a hero and mask up with others (yes even outside). Getting this over and over is bad. Getting it even once can be a life ruiner for some. Ok! Done! Let’s party like it’s World War 3!

Happy spring forward to you absolute freaks who, as the days get hotter and hotter, are desperate for even more hours of sun.

I’m really not popular enough to make this decision but I’m not opening any more Partiful invites. It just seems… bad and unnecessary.

All new COLLEGE TOWN! Feat. Lamar Woods & Ronnie Adrian!!! Hosted by Jan & Beebo (me & Seth Morris!) The healing power of song, spiritual journeys, hoopin’ & poopin’ & more! Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social comedybangbangworld.com

My doctor’s office likes to have me fill out surveys and this latest asked what my sexuality is. There were maybe 9 options, one being “I don’t know” which I selected because it was the closest to “I don’t care.” I’m expected to have a sexuality in these dark days? I don’t care!

Do insects sleep on their backs? Or is hustle culture so rampant in the bug world that they only lie down on their little backs to die?

A new KEVIN!!!! Thank you, Kevin! We love you.

All new COLLEGE TOWN! Feat. Lamar Woods & Ronnie Adrian!!! Hosted by Jan & Beebo (me & Seth Morris!) The healing power of song, spiritual journeys, hoopin’ & poopin’ & more! Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social comedybangbangworld.com

I do want to get work done (yes I manage to be vain even in the darkest of times - it’s called multitasking) but I also suspect that filler might make me look exactly like Kristi Noem. Like if you extracted her filler would you reveal my raisin head? I can give myself nightmares just by thinking.

Does the weather count as temperate when there is a leaf blower somewhere within 50 feet of you at every hour of the day?

“You can’t get there from here.” My self back to myself when I suggest taking a shower.

We have to stop anthropomorphizing billionaires.

I love you even though you post your workouts. I do. But it’s emotional labor and you don’t see me posting that, do you? I mean until this tweet obviously.

We need creatives with enough wealth and willingness to give it up to put their money behind creating new studios, new ways to make and put out movies. The far right owning Hollywood makes me want to cry. I doubt this plan is solid but I can dream. Wait, can I? Did they also purchase dreaming?

What would happen if Garbage Pail Kids grew up? See: current Republican Party

All new COLLEGE TOWN feat. @charliemccrackin.bsky.social & Fiona Landers! Hosted by Jan & Beebo (me & Seth Morris!) Grinding stumps and leaving wives plus! Jan uses a new body part! Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social www.comedybangbangworld.com

But also let’s go back to the 70’s. At least for a 2 week vacation.

Imagine going about your day while waiting for a repairman instead of walking to the window and peering out every 3 minutes as you whisper practice the most succinct way to explain the problem. I cannot even.

Last night a friend sent me an 11 minute voice note as she was taking a rainy walk in her small town and oh I will dine out on the peace of listening to that for, well, at least today until the anxiety beetles resume eating my insides.

God I hope so too. I would love to do a live show that was just What’s That Letter!

New COLLEGE TOWN! Feat. @pftompkins.bsky.social & @keikoagena.bsky.social! Hosted by Jan & Beebo (me & Seth Morris!) Cheese plans! Lap toast! Phone friends & MORE! Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social Subscribe: www.comedybangbangworld.com

New COLLEGE TOWN! Feat. @pftompkins.bsky.social & @keikoagena.bsky.social! Hosted by Jan & Beebo (me & Seth Morris!) Cheese plans! Lap toast! Phone friends & MORE! Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social Subscribe: www.comedybangbangworld.com

Thank you for finding joy in Jan’s brain fog! The show would not go on if we didn’t 😅

I think I have rainxiety.

I want a zoo but it’s all MAGA and billionaires. It’s open 24/7. No privacy for the rest of their lives as we walk by with cokes and hot dogs and tell our kids these foul fleshy creatures in cages actually used to have power. And the kids laugh up at us like, “No way!”

Your husband condemns the Epstein files. But he likes you fully waxed? K!

We are getting there faster than I anticipated. Getting excited!!!!!!

There are few theatrical scenes more heartbreaking than Miss Bates played by Sophie Thompson being shamed by Emma at the picnic. A performance that guts me every time.

Autocorrect is like, that one typo you made when you spelled “cool” as “copl?” will haunt you for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Oh you didn’t want to say “That’s so copl!?” How should we know??? You typed it that way 5 years ago!!!!

All new COLLEGE TOWN w/ @shaunacmcg.bsky.social & Cass Buggé!!! Hosted by Jan & Beebo (me & Seth Morris!) Beebo catches a runaway! Jan pursues a nun! A falling out! & more! Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social www.comedybangbangworld.com

Iranian authorities have sentenced the Nobel Peace Prize laureate Narges Mohammadi to a second prison sentence even before she had completed her last jail term, her family and lawyers said on Sunday.

That’s why I like those regrets. I get older, they stay the saaaame age. 🫠

New COLLEGE TOWN!! Feat. @showmanandydaly.bsky.social & @charitycorin.bsky.social!! Hosted by Jan & Beebo (me & Seth Morris!) nighttime spaghetti-o’s, ultimatums, saving humanity!? Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social www.comedybangbangworld.com

I’m mad I fell for the “throw out your cassettes and CDs and DVDs! Everything you need will forever be available online! No strings!” Give me my boombox. Let me spend my time fast forwarding and rewinding. I want buttons that click. I want static between songs. I want era specific ads before movies.

New COLLEGE TOWN!! Feat. @showmanandydaly.bsky.social & @charitycorin.bsky.social!! Hosted by Jan & Beebo (me & Seth Morris!) nighttime spaghetti-o’s, ultimatums, saving humanity!? Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social www.comedybangbangworld.com

Every time I bake: “Baking is chemistry and I will follow the recipe exactly.” “Actually I’ll combine these two recipes.” “But what amount of… doesn’t matter.” “It says add more… but that looks wet enough.” “Why my banana bread a grave of crumbs?”

Apple & Google removed ICE tracking apps in their app stores. TikTok reportedly suppressed videos criticizing ICE & the shooting of Alex Pretti. Meta blocked Facebook groups tracking ICE & links to a database of agents that the government wants to keep secret. Big Tech is enabling Trump's regime.

My first remarks since being arrested last night.

Lindsey Graham looks like a goldfish you keep thinking it’s time to flush but then you see a bubble.

New COLLEGE TOWN!! Feat. Anna Bezahler & Toni Charline! Hosted by Jan & Beebo (me & Seth Morris!) We snack, we find Jesus, we explain Melrose Place & MORE! Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social www.comedybangbangworld.com

It feels like, recently, “citizens” is the new word for “white people.” As in, “We are not a nation that allows our citizens to be brutalized.” As in, not “people” but “citizens.”

I’m going to bed but if someone wants to take over for me I was watching videos about nerve gas versus tear gas, googling “Nipah virus outbreak” and ordering supplements.

My god, wounds, you already had “oozing.” You had to go and take “weeping” too? We need all the untainted crying synonyms in these dark days.

New COLLEGE TOWN podcast feat. Madeline Walter & @danawickens.bsky.social!! Hosted by Jan & Beebo! (me & Seth Morris) Beebo’s nemesis! Stair tumbles! Romance for Timmy! Produced by @scottaukerman.bsky.social @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social www.comedybangbangworld.com

Tfw when you don’t wanna go to Irish dance practice but mom makes you.