Me: Please spare us! Alien: You just explained to us that humans think murder is “cozy.” Me: Yeah, true, maybe it’s for the best.

I agree that the trauma of the initial year certainly plays a role, but I think the much bigger factor to point at is the ongoing forced infection and the well documented multi-systemic damage (including brain damage) that repeated infections is doing. The story is repeated infections.

Not being incredibly hot and wealthy is exhausting.

Was scrolling and came across a video where a man threw a baseball toward camera and I quickly swiped so that it wouldn’t hit me is how I know I need to take a phone break.

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Maybe I’m standing in a mall in 1991 somewhere gazing into one of those magic eye posters and I’m about to snap out of it and this will have all been an illusion and I’m gonna go get soft serve and psychologically torture my little sister.

Living alone is like, “I don’t feel well.” “Me either.” “I’m too tired to go to the store.” “Me too.” “Ugh fine I’ll go.” “Ugh ok I’ll go with you.” And then we fight all the way to the store.

Did women ruin the workplace? Please, I literally *never* go there. Please hire me. Somebody. Please. Let me ruin something.

I’m so tired of people comparing me to the president.

Hey, I won’t be able to make it after all. There’s a mild, unidentifiable odor somewhere either in my home or in my nostril and I just need to stay in and ruminate about it.

The dems cave on healthcare and I wake up to Instagram having decided my algorithm is in her bone density supplement era. That’s fine. Everything is fine.

Not my disco, not my mirror balls.

Musk to get a one trillion dollar pay package. The man who almost single handedly caused the death of 600,000 people will become even richer He’s killed children & the most vulnerable He dismantled one of the most successful aid programs in the world He bought an election & installed a fascist

I loved this!

I feel like astrology was the gateway to AI and chatGPT. Like I learned to politely just be quiet as an otherwise intelligent friend was like, “Well, it *is* Virgo season!” and now you hear someone go, “I asked ChatGPT how to hammer a nail” and I’m like, I should have called you an idiot sooner.

Tom Hanks explains to Stephen Colbert why he masks on the subway: "I'm doing a play right now so I cannot get sick... I've had COVID enough in my life, I don't need to do that again. So I'm wearing this for health reasons." Thank you Tom! Masks are still a key part of public health.

Shut it down, then.

The direct and unfortunate correlation between reading about billionaires destroying our world/lives and making strange impulse purchases from Instagram ads.

Fall back? Baby, you don’t have to tell me; it’s a way of life.

Angrily searching for the reason behind the fireworks is how I found out the Dodgers were in the World Series.

Oh my GOD. Cc: @brettmorris.bsky.social @cbbworld.bsky.social And Beebo who doesn’t know what Bluesky is

My mom is a home health care nurse. I so want her to be Death for Halloween.

After Pacman's death, Ms. Pacman wandered the empty halls, lost in a maze of grief, feeling as though she was surrounded only by ghosts.

My anxiety is caused by caffeine and fear of death. Everyone's always like, quit drinking coffee. But no one's suggested I live forever.

It wasn't easy for Death growing up. Carrying his tiny sickle to school, little skeleton feet clicking down the hall. And that black dress.

If you knew the end of the rollercoaster track wasn't finished and you'd crash to your death, would you still have fun? Anyway. Life.

"What was the cause of death?" "We believe she confused a gif with a movie and sat staring at it waiting for it to end."

In high school I used to tear off bits of my bagel and feed them to this guy who wore 80’s death metal T-shirts. Am I responsible if he never learned to hunt his own food? Should I find him?

Time to get under the covers and watch the movie on the back of my eyelids called, "Everything I Ever Worried About" starring Death.

Any time I see headlines about this dude who faked his death kayaking in order to abandon his family I think, good for him for not killing them instead! The bar is low?

Happy Dia de Los Muertos! I will now dig up my tweets regarding death.

I was at Whole Foods (I think this is a fascist act, sorry, I was so thirsty) on Oct 30 and they were taking down Halloween and putting up Christmas and a woman got SO mad at them and I really just enjoyed the whole thing. Everything is hell.

“Trump has dementia! He’s really losing it! It’s scary!” Name a time when his being sharper was better. What’s brought him to today is time and the support of billionaires and sociopathic republicans, not cognitive decline.

Hahah!!! It was a total meet-cuticle!! 🫳🏻🤏🏻

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Change one letter, ruin a candy… Tootsie Role

I shiver on cold mornings when it’s supposed to be hot later, refusing to put on more layers, like by doing so I can force the science to be: your body stores up feeling cold for hot days and stores up feeling hot for cold days.

I’m tired of being the person to explain to men that there’s no such thing as a flushable wipe, no, not even the ones that say “flushable.” But everyone has a life’s purpose and I guess I’m just lucky to know mine. Also, if you don’t sit to pee you’re not a feminist. No further questions.

I love how people are like “God has a plan” and it’s like, fine maybe he does. Can’t wait to hear what the guy who made babies grow inside a container with a too small opening like he was building a ship in a bottle has in store for us next.

Me on my way to return clothes: “Hold on, I gotta come up with a backstory.”

Straight up plagiarism can ALSO help you beat writer’s block!

Inspirational quotes hit different people different ways. For instance, I just saw a post that said “This Joan Didion quote is the only reason I’m not dead” and I was inspired to close Instagram. Didn’t even have to read the quote.

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Email notification: “Vintage bowler hat has shipped.” Me: 🤔🤔🤔 Ohhh right, last night after taking sleep meds I decided my new style is Duckie from Pretty in Pink. There is also a vest on the way. Also he didn’t wear a bowler hat but I guess on sleep meds you go “close enough.”

Good news and bad news. Nour gave birth BUT she is struggling with her health. Please share this and give if you can.

My doctor (a specialist at a normal hospital) wants me to take a medication but recommends “asking a friend who is in China or Mexico” to get it for me since it’s so wildly expensive here. America! Where the prescription reads “Ask a friend?”

Targeted ad or intrusive thought creator? The algorithm is a true hell for an indecisive mind. Remember in the 90’s when you’d buy something in a real store, walk outside and then live the rest of your life? That’s more magical than the internet.

It seems like googling something you’re looking for and then getting a bunch of targeted ads could be helpful but in reality it’s more like creating a fever dream where now I have every style of blazer coming at me from all directions and I’ll never. ever. find the exact. right. one.

Now the Bill of Rights just reads “If you can read this the bitch fell off.”