Uber Driver Uses Zipcar To DoorDash. Loses Sense Of Self.

Same vibe

Before getting involved with someone, ask yourself: Is this a person I can visualize cropping out of pictures one day?

The zoo's lovable otters have threatened to stop being “so damned cute" until David Fincher makes Season 3 of Mindhunter.

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

When there was only one set of footprints and a buttprint in the sand that's when Jesus decided to walk on water and I said hella no and sat my ass down

You fool, you dimwit, you nincompoop, you melon head, you coco nutter, you delicious fruit platter sent to nourish me with natures’ gifts

FIFA to honor President Trump with the Peace Envoy Democracy Obelisk

VOICEOVER: in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet entirely opposite, groups: the police, who are afraid of sandwiches, and sandwich wielders, armed with food consisting of two pieces of bread filled with meat, cheese, and vegetables. these are their stories.

Whoever performed the Godfather 3 Sofia Coppola Death Scene, the bears aren't convinced.

White House Unveils Vegas Cocktail Bar Themed Dress Code

Everyone gets a trophy

One Million New Yorkers Flee City. Rents Still Go Up.

i needed cheering up so i drew a potato

Has NYC collapsed yet

NFL Commissioner Reveals Ambitious Plan That Ensures Every Roster Made Up Of Guys Named Jalen

Now it makes sense

It is my sincere belief that my office chair is ruining my body and possibly my entire life

A Thumbtack service where I've learned how to reset the clock on everyone's off brand stovetop and I only work 2 weeks a year

The bird screaming obscenities turned out to be a former intern in a convincing parrot costume. Sorry about that.

St. Peter at the Pearly Gates: Did you live by the Ten Commandments? Mike Johnson: I have no idea. I have not seen those

I'll never forget my dad's last words: "It's way past Halloween. Why's this caution tape still on the elevator?"

keep yourself humble by inadvertently catching yourself on your ring camera

Starting my next video call standing in the corner Blair Witch style

Still taking shit for wearing a BK crown to the No Kings rally but in fairness, it was my 56th birthday and also God appointed me his divine messenger on earth.

The insidious thing about junk food is that it’s easy to overdo when you’re sad, but then something good happens and it’s like “I deserve a little celebratory treat”

Trump Threatens To Torch West Wing If Mamdani Wins Mayoral Race

This is Jeff Van Drew, lifelong Dem elected as Rep for NJ's 2nd Congressional district (Southern NJ) JVD's 1st term started in 2019. 1 yr later he switched parties & gave Trump the loyalty pledge. South Jersey turned red & Van Drew turned with it. Tonight most of SJ voted blue. Screw Jeff Van Drew.

What happened here in California tonight is a victory for the people of this country. Donald Trump’s attempts to rig the midterm elections are backfiring. His attempts to silence you are backfiring. His entire presidency is backfiring.

There are more of us than there are of them.

Insecure Bloated Orange Pustule Makes Election Night Beatdown About How Awesome He Is

California's Prop 51 referendum requiring @prof-hinkley.bsky.social to floss tonight has passed dramatically

Trump hosts Gatsby party on Sunday. GOP gets George Wilsoned on Tuesday.

Hard to believe that the party that campaigned explicitly on the platform of racism and transphobia turned out to be racist and transphobic

Interesting that Dinesh D'Souza and Vivek Ramaswamy are just now shocked by racism towards them in the GOP as Brianna Wu is just now shocked by transphobia against her in the GOP—guess we’re at the turning-on-their-own-who-never-really-were-included point.

Mike Johnson Unaware He's Mike Johnson

Trying oh-so-hard not to read into the fact that my I Voted sticker lost its stickiness on one side almost immediately

Huge thanks to everyone who has donated wood to our woodchuck enclosure. We have reached an undetermined percentage of our goal.

Do you ever drip dry in the shower for a while pretending you're a terminator that just arrived?

He'll come back when he's hungry.

*slaps you across the face* WHY AREN'T THESE KIND BARS WORKING

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

THE INVENTOR OF LIFE INSURANCE: what if I told you that you could be in a Dateline documentary

Here again, hurt by Trojan men? The one place they could shoot, where your mom held your boot? My patience is worn, now your Achilles is torn. -Dr Zeus

We're missing a couple lemurs.