Tragedy This Weekend When A Cruise Shop Carrying Charlie Kirk Mourners Fell Off The Edge Of The Earth

Me, sliding up next to you in the cantina on Tatooine: You know, technically it's not even a star. Really it should be called the Death Hypermatter Reactor.

Scared that post Rapture it will just be me and a lot of asshole birds. #AllBirdsGoToHell

Local Man Claims Neighbor's Goat 'Samantha' Possessed By Ancient Demon

Just 2 gun rights advocates sitting behind a wall of bulletproof glass while enjoying a memorial for a gun rights advocate who got murdered by a gun.

subtly downgrade a band: Samsara

Local Teen Executes 21 point turn On Tight Street

Migrant Caravan Lies Low. Waits For Next Election Cycle.

STEPHEN MILLER: you have no idea what you have awakened. we will save the West. we will turn darkness into light. we will rise like a phoenix from the pit of fire and EVERYONE ELSE AT THE DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS GAME TABLE: ROLL THE FUCKING DIE ALREADY

Does anyone know in Tuesday's Rapture if these folks get lifted right out of their cars or if the vehicles ascend with them? This is my first Rapture and I'm trying to plan my commute.

We apologize for trying to pass off trout as koi fish in our "Exotic Aquatic Experience" but tariffs are kicking our butts and we thought red highlighters were waterproof.

"You around this week?" "I have tentative plans"

SANTIFA Says: "Do Your Part. Demand The Release Of The Epstein Files"

Don't be tempted by the discount rainbow roll at Redville Commissary.

Why call it a rural podcast studio rather than a vlog cabin?

What time is Tuesday's Rapture? Do I have time to get tacos?

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw WIFE: wow that sucks ME: i know what a straw does linda

[first assembly of god] uh oh am I supposed to have this many parts left over?

Usually swans mate for life but ours just sat us down and broke the news: they are conscious uncoupling.

Trump's directing Pam Bondi to file criminal charges against Schiff, Comey, and James.

Greetings *checks notes* having a wonderful time

Trump's directing Pam Bondi to file criminal charges against Schiff, Comey, and James.

Now deleted Trump Truth Social Post addressing Pam Bondi.

FBI Bombshell Finds Trace Amounts Of Caffeine In Tyler Robinson Toxicology Report. Utah Governor Spencer Cox Confirms "Not One Of Us"

DONALD TRUMP: I hope I go to heaven when I die ALSO DONALD TRUMP: [doing everything in his power to go straight to hell when he dies]

Follower: How would you like to be remembered? Heinous Hate-speech-spewing Right-wing Lying Podcaster: For my faith

This IKEA assembly is so easy, the instructions are just a photo of your mom.

"Most" They requested your mom keep hers on.

The Big Box store called. Your mom is ready.

wow, it’s a who’s who of the most insufferable gathering ever

Spend Charlie Kirk Day like Charlie Kirk. Shout horrible racist shit in public and see how it goes.

American culture is Maria Menounos hooting and hollering at you at a gas pump.

I saw your mom at the grocery store and the cashier asked if I wanted 2 bags

ICE Agent Concerned Mask Removal Will Expose Weak Jawline

Baby Born From 31 Yr Old Embryo Is Already Racist

they should invent a potato peeler you can find

Guy in baggy sweats who always skips leg day: revealed

A nearby dance school is having a free adult hip-hop class tomorrow at 8pm. Might as well make it at midnight

It is fucked up what they did to the headphone jack

boarding a spirit airlines flight and just saw the pilot drawing a line on a globe with a crayon

(scrolling with my eyes closed)

If I were ever Robin, I know I’d constantly call Batman “Bruce” in front of other people, then mouth SORRY behind their backs.

𝐀𝐁𝐂 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 '𝐒𝐭𝐞𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐌𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫-𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐊𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐎𝐟 𝐋𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐍𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭" "Our late night opponents, the media, and the whole world will soon see, as we begin to take further actions, that the powers of this show to generate truthful content to entertain our country are very substantial and will not be questioned."

Redville Zoo has never painted with all the colors of the wind.

You'll never hear Greeneville's wolves cry to the blue corn moon.

Main character energy? Local woman smiles politely at unfriendly medical receptionists

[open mic night] Mike: I guess my trust issues started when I was a child

in every home with more than one cat, there is one who wants nothing but to be left in peace, and one who is dedicated to making sure that never happens