[office party, 1842] Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear

MARTY SUPREME is about a Marty that comes with sour cream

Escalate any disagreement by saying “here we go” whenever someone starts talking

Maybe the wolf in sheep's clothing just liked the way it looked? What's with the assumptions?

look for the helpers, they are distracted and easy prey

President Signs Executive Order Outlawing Peanut Allergies

Officemate Uncomfortable At Every Temperature

Color theory has gotten to me. Tonight I looked at the flame on the Hanukkah candles and thought, “That blue might look good on me”

Sesame Street taught me to count to twelve, but in the most dramatic way possible

Between shopping and wrapping and baking, I can’t keep up. Not to mention being trapped inside this haunted snow globe

Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".

In the 2000s you could wear a t-shirt that said Dalai Parton with a picture of her meditating and people would be like "that is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life."

Exterminator Uses Power Of Christ To Stop Mice From Stirring On Christmas Eve

Did the Flintstones ever use an octopus as a pen? It would make sense because the ink is already in there and they strike me as ancient.

Jake Paul has a face only a mother could love (to punch repeatedly)

[sees someone whose arms aren't weird or wrinkly] How dare they

What I like most about townhouse living is hearing my neighbor begging her dog to take a shit so they can go back inside

FYI, If your child falls into an enclosure we get to keep it.

Oh, shaving cream. Aren't we all, especially around the holidays

my skircle is pics of various meats and cheeses

Bluesky Dot My App Therapist 🤝 "WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO FIND FRIENDS?!"

How the Grinch Stole My Catalytic Converter

I can't get a girlfriend, dad. The swag gap is too big

MAGA Wishes A Lib "Merry Christmas" In Devastating Takedown

Robbery at the foley studio. Witnesses say they heard heavy muted steps in muddy work boots on a linoleum floor consistent with a larger man who breathed hard but rhythmically.

What child is this?

I'm just a girl asking if it's okay to go sleepies at 9pm on a saturday

By a show of jazz hands, how many of you are fabulous?

I have some questions about Parson Brown.

The coffee bean grinder. The assassin in my kitchen.

"A zebra is just a redacted horse" -Kyle The Intern

Redacted

"Update software?" "No" "How about now?" "Nope" "In the background?" "In the where?" "When you're sleeping?" "WHAT?! NO!" "In the shower when you're singing that theme to Gilligan's Island?" "WAIT..HOW.." "I prefer your version without the professor and Mary Ann" "DELETE" "Delete is not option Dave"

Knowing Redville Zoo, that "redacted" zebra was accidentally released.

Friend: Are you growing your hair out? Me: Honestly I have no idea. I never thought I'd live this long

An unflinching, up-close look at who and what is driving White House policy

you ever find yourself in a mood where you know social media is ill advised but nevertheless you’re on it?

DOJ Concludes Selective Investigation Of Epstein files

stop looking for the helpers and be the motherfucking helper

Check out our new World of Darkness exhibit, featuring nocturnal animals like naked mole rats, vampire bats, sand cats, and divorced dads in dead end jobs.

which dimension of the infinite multiverse won worst timeline of the year and how does it keep being this one

Saw the Grinch’s foot and threw up

The Pillsbury Doughboy got banged on the kitchen counter and now he's the Pillsbury Doughman

Internet abuzz over identity of redacted billionaire

President Announces Special Payout To Anyone Who Dresses Up Like His Mother And Says She's So Proud Of Him

these documents are more blacked out than Pete Hegseth on New Years Eve

Raccoons are showing early signs of domestication. Urban raccoons are evolving a short snout, a telltale feature of pets & other domesticated animals, but scientists believe this is just a ploy to get closer to our trash. This is Roy. We feed him but aren't falling for his bullshit act.

An emotional Trump receives the Trump Medal Of Trump From President Trump at the Trump Center early Trumpday