Judge Went On To Add That If Trump Was Wearing A Hoodie The Verdict Might Have Been Different

Trump Reveals White House Remodel Plans So Gaudy The Saudis Actually Think He's Kidding

Goth Girl At Starbucks Refuses To Acknowledge 'Smiley Face On Cup' Campaign

Tragedy This Weekend When A Cruise Shop Carrying Charlie Kirk Mourners Fell Off The Edge Of The Earth

Local Man Claims Neighbor's Goat 'Samantha' Possessed By Ancient Demon

Local Teen Executes 21 point turn On Tight Street

SANTIFA Says: "Do Your Part. Demand The Release Of The Epstein Files"

Migrant Caravan Lies Low. Waits For Next Election Cycle.

FBI Bombshell Finds Trace Amounts Of Caffeine In Tyler Robinson Toxicology Report. Utah Governor Spencer Cox Confirms "Not One Of Us"

𝐀𝐁𝐂 𝐏𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 '𝐒𝐭𝐞𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐌𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐫-𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐊𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐎𝐟 𝐋𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐍𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭" "Our late night opponents, the media, and the whole world will soon see, as we begin to take further actions, that the powers of this show to generate truthful content to entertain our country are very substantial and will not be questioned."

Get Ready For Late Night! It's Greg Gutfeld! With Guests From That Movie You Saw On A Plane 25 Years Ago, A Band With None Of It's Original Members Performing A Song Thats Sounds Kind Of Familiar, And Special Guest Stephen Miller Takes Down Names Of Anyone Not Applauding.

Exhausted Liberals Forced To Rally Around Jimmy Kimmel

National Archives Updates Historical Records. Reveals John Wilkes Booth Was Probably Most Likely Trans Assassin.

JD Vance To Host Radio Show Denouncing Overabundance Of Milk Choices

𝑭𝑹𝑬𝑬𝑫𝑶𝑴 𝑰𝑺 𝑭𝑹𝑬𝑬! Trump Store Including Presidential Medals Of Freedom With All $75+ Orders Distinguished Service Cross Medals available with bulk orders!

Donald Trump's Mourning Consultant Proud of President "𝙃𝙚 𝙜𝙚𝙣𝙪𝙞𝙣𝙚𝙡𝙮 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙙 𝙖𝙛𝙛𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙚𝙙"

President Explains Gilded Shitbox Construction His Way Of Coping "𝙄 𝙗𝙪𝙧𝙞𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙮 𝙤𝙬𝙣 𝙬𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙤𝙣 𝙖 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩𝙧𝙮 𝙘𝙡𝙪𝙗 𝙜𝙤𝙡𝙛 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚."

Grieving MAGA's Wait For God To Deliver Them A New Bigot

FBI Uncertain Of Cryptic Message Etched On Bullet At Utah Crime Scene

Therapists In Utah Try To Help Traumatized Charlie Kirk Followers Understand Concept Of Empathy

Pinocchio Gets Taste Of Humanity. Says Fuck It.

President Rolls Out Plan To Address Putin's Invasion Of Polish Airspace

Area Teen Possesses One In A Million Texting And Driving Skills. -Mom and dad were wrong. DMV issues exemption for special teen.

Six Assholes On The Supreme Court Declare Car Washes As Terrorist Organizations

White House Orders Construction Of Smithsonian Exhibit Celebrating The Happy Teen Masseuse And The Benevolent Billionaire

Man On Train Traveling Speed Of Light "Really Sorry But Wasn't Paying Attention" When Double Lightning Strike Hit Platform

Voice Recognition Refuses To Accept Philly Accent

𝙍𝙀𝘼𝙇 𝙀𝙎𝙏𝘼𝙏𝙀 𝙄𝙉𝘿𝙐𝙎𝙏𝙍𝙔 𝙃𝘼𝙎 𝘼 𝙈𝘼𝙍𝙎𝙃𝘼 𝙋𝙍𝙊𝘽𝙇𝙀𝙈 -Realtors Association Finds Disproportionate Number Of Marsha's Repping Mid Century Moderns

Trump Grants Himself Wartime Powers Against All Boats That Aren't Yachts.

HHS Introduces First Of Its Kind "Unvaccinated Students Breathe On Seniors" Program To Help Contain Spiraling Social Security Costs

Local Woman About To Tell Boyfriend How Her Goddam Day Went

Trump Body Double Undergoes Painful Cankle Injections

RFK Jr Says Lifetime Of Trauma And Heroin Addiction Not To Blame For Insane Opinions

E. Coli Outbreak At Hidden Valley Ranch. "Everyone's dead. We couldn't find the ranch in time." -EMT

Trump Still Alive. A Nation Mourns.

RFK Jr To Move CDC To Abandoned Train Station. Says He Likes It's Vibe.

Waffle House Introduces New Vegan Menu

Indie Coffee Shop Barista Flips Out On Woman Who Keeps Ordering Frappuccinos

Nation's Women Embrace Remote Control Skills

Man With Time On Hands Hates Golf. NOW WHAT?

President To Create Dept Of Food, Denounce Vegetables As Woke, Commission New Food Pyramid Featuring Essential Condiments And Toppings.

America's Health Experts Appear To Be Dying

White House Spins President's Discoloration As Proof He Washes His Hands

"Doomsday Glacier" Hires PR Firm. Now Known as "Happy, Funtime Glacier"

Scientist Simulates Deck Chair Rearrangement. Titanic Survives Collision With Iceberg.

Kristi Noem Makes Hard Decision To Have Dean Cain Put Down

President Stands For Pledge Of Allegiance Struggles To Remember Which Side Heart Is On

Time Traveller From The 1940's Overwhelmed By Yogurt Selection

FBI To Raid Home Of Anyone Who's Ever Made Fun Of Founding Farter Clownface Von Fuckboi Tiny Hands Trump

Local Man Not Ready For Some Football