"Are you not entertained?"

President Researching Bailouts For Countries Without Extradition Agreements

President Announces Construction of Golden Triumphant Arch To Begin Soon

Plantation Owner Explains "If I had to pay them a livable wage, my business wouldn't be viable."

Area Shopper Can't Believe How Much Prices Are Up Since Prices Are Down

Fuck Ass Bitch Still Fuck Ass Bitch In New Year

Faced With Taxes, Billionaires Bump Into Each Other Fleeing Every State In The US For Other States Where They Have A Home

Sick Of Being Called Weird, Weak, And Creepy, Mike Johnson Threatens House With A Finger

JD Vance Walks Away From Meeting Where President Told Him The Coffee Was For Dignitaries

Marco Rubio Not Happy About Sitting On JD Vance's Furniture

Silly Goose Leads flock Into Side Of Building

Adjusted For Inflation, Cost Of Presidential Pardons Very Reasonable Compared To 2017 Prices

President Overwhelmed By Number Of Countries

Bari Weiss Renames 60 Minutes "Sometimes It's 46 Minutes"

JD Vance An Inspiration For Nation's Other Dipshits "If this dipshit can become vice president, maybe I can too"

DOJ Announces Anyone Caught Leaking 60 Minutes CECOT Piece Will Be Moved To CECOT With All The Other Terrorists

Officemate Uncomfortable At Every Temperature

Exterminator Uses Power Of Christ To Stop Mice From Stirring On Christmas Eve

MAGA Wishes A Lib "Merry Christmas" In Devastating Takedown

President Announces Special Payout To Anyone Who Dresses Up Like His Mother And Says She's So Proud Of Him

President To Rename Don Jr "Trump Trump Jr"

Mike Johnson Traveling With Emotional Support Gavel

RFK Jr Targets Link Between Trump Derangement Syndrome, Higher Education, And The Covid Vaccine "Disturbing trend that deserves further examination"

Military Action In Caribbean Complicated By Instructions To Only Focus On Narco Terrorists Not Pardoned By The President

Kash Patel Excelling As FBI Director Due To Ability To See Threats In All Directions At Once

President Struggling To Make Every Tragedy About Himself "There's just too many of them."

Weight Loss Medication Tastes Too Delicious

Barron Trump Is Actually 3 Trumps In A Raincoat

Trump Blames Affordability Issues On People Who Pay Their Bills

The Trump Administration Successfully Tackles Narcotic Related Crime Rates By Pardoning Everyone Convicted Of Narcotic Related Crimes -"Only President Trump could get this done"

President Shocked By Inflated Ballroom Costs. Repeals Tariffs On Gilded Monkey Wall Sconces. -"There are still affordability issues in small sectors of the economy."

New GOP Health Plan Would Bring Costs Down, Require Families To Identify Weakest Members To Sacrifice

Trump Administration Sends Warships To Venezuela, Kills Venezuelan Civilians, Captures Venezualan Oil Tanker, In What GOP Fears Might Possibly Eventually Be A Military Buildup In Venezuela "Too soon to rush to judgement", says GOP lawmaker from deck of warship Gerald R Ford off coast of Venezuela

iPhone Update's Just A Needy Little Bitch -"I did this like 3 weeks ago", says local man.

Man Who Just Got Cable News Thinks You Should Do Your Research

Quentin Tarantino's Face Falling Farther Down His Head

President Signs Executive Order Outlawing Peanut Allergies

In Display Of Sincerity, Marjorie Taylor Greene Offers To Give Back A Dalmatian

Netflix Issues Update Reminder To Terms & Conditions: "𝙒𝙚 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚"

FIFA Peace Prize Appears On eBay

[Updated to correct error-19:37 EST] An Earlier Version Of This Article Incorrectly Reported That The President Was Awarded "The FIFA Get A Piece Prize." It Should Have Read "FIFA Peace Prize"

"Rosebud"

Trump Fires Ballroom Architect After Refusal To Design A Breaking Torture Wheel For Jesters Who Refuse To Do Those Funny Immigrant Voices

Stressed Out Christmas Shopper Can't Find Car. Blames Fog Of War.

President Follows Through On Promise To Drain The Swamp: 𝙇𝙤𝙬𝙚𝙧𝙨 𝙉𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣'𝙨 𝘾𝙧𝙞𝙢𝙚 𝙍𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝘽𝙮 𝙋𝙖𝙧𝙙𝙤𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙀𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮𝙤𝙣𝙚 𝘾𝙤𝙣𝙫𝙞𝙘𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙊𝙛 𝙁𝙞𝙣𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙞𝙖𝙡 𝘾𝙧𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙨 𝘼𝙣𝙙 𝘾𝙤𝙧𝙧𝙪𝙥𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣

Lana Del Rey's Career Being Destroyed By Happiness -Long time manager expresses concern

Black Friday And Cyber Monday Are Over. A Weary Nation Saves Shareholder Value.

"Kill them all"

Whistle Factory Manufactured Faulty Product For Years. No One Was Able To Come Forward.