EMOTIONAL STATES, FROM LEAST TO MOST DIRE: Sad Melancholic Despondent Anhedonic (Charlie Brown voice) De-pressed

No pharmacy section name goes harder than “Pain & Sleep”

“There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found.” - Tom Waits

Every “this 90s video game soundtrack did NOT have to go this hard” video essay fails to note President Clinton’s pledge that by the end of the decade, America would create a video game soundtrack that “goes extremely hard”

Though I seem catatonic, I am even now engaged in forbidden thought experiments such as “what if the Dropkick Murphys were from New Mexico”

Ticketmaster emails are how I find out an artist I don’t like is playing a place I don’t live

If there’s one thing sportscasters love, it’s to actually have spoken with this player yesterday

Bach, you have to stop. Your clavier is too well-tempered. Your concertos too Brandenburg. They’ll kill you

Have to post this here before it reaches the end of its useful life

If you’re a politician who needs an alias for checking into hotels with your mistress, you could do a lot worse than

Was watching old episodes of American Gladiators and found perhaps the greatest guy of all time

Songs Of Quiet Triumph, vol. 2

The lesson: always rule

Middle schoolers will walk a mile out of their way if it means getting to casually vault over a railing

GUY READING HIS 2ND BOOK AFTER ONLY EVER HAVING READ “THE TIPPING POINT”: this Gatsby fellow is something of a superconnector

I did a commentary. It’s Long Silences And Half-Remembered UCB Memories ASMR

Baseball was invented by Abner Doubleday, who named it after his lover, Henrietta Baseball

Your English teacher and your gym teacher have been fused into an ungodly homunculus by your science teacher

Blog-rock era 💎

God never gives you more than you can handle, unless it would be funny

THE CITY @thecity.nyc couldn’t take potato chip cash but they need YOURS. Small newsroom: big stories. If you care about local news contribute here:

Oh No: I Went For A Walk And It Worked

Really had to hunt this one down /cc @dcpierson.bsky.social Reskeet with a tweet you still think about

Putting a peanut-butter-covered knife in the dishwasher knowing there’s no way it will get clean

TONY MONTANA (holding a Cracker Barrel):

“The bodega has Lafufu,” I say, confusing the time traveler.

There have been better tweets and funnier tweets and smarter tweets, but I think this may be my favorite tweet.

Best moment in pop music history is either: 1) when Dionne Warwick says “now you really gotta GO so walk on BY!” 2) when Damian Marley says “bedtime STO-ries” It can’t be both but it’s gotta be one of ‘em

“I called this meeting of the local pop punk scene because we need to set a limit on how many of our band names can be inspired by ‘To Kill A Mockingbird.’” “Twelve?” “Meeting adjourned.”

gentle reminder to trust filmmakers

2010s social media was wild. You would just register the screen name “LegendsOfTheJunoTemple” and someone would show up in your DMs with a book deal

iPod era 💎

(To messenger) Go now! Tarry not! (Looking out the castle window moments later) This mf tarrying

when I say "trust the process" this is the process I'm talking about

S-tier driving song

When I say “trust the process,” this is the process I’m talking about youtu.be/B0OGrZFzjgQ?...

when I say "trust the process" this is the process I'm talking about www.tiktok.com/@morefuner/v...

When I say “trust the process,” this is the process I’m talking about

/host introducing the musical guest for their second song on SNL voice

1) decide to do a task 2) think “I’ll listen to a podcast while I do it” 3) look around for headphones 4) accept side quest from villager 5) get killed on a mountain pass while stealing a wyvern’s egg

I need a sports-talk style show but it’s just me and a bunch of opinionated muscleheads arguing over whether the S-tier Belle & Sebastian summer song is “A Summer Wasting” or “Asleep On A Sunbeam”

NYC: doing stand up for the first time in like 10 years on this show tonight in Astoria @ 9:30. Gonna be a lot of Jeb Bush material.

PHOENIX’S BEST EXPORTS: 1) Steven Spielberg 2) Stevie Nicks 3) Joan Ganz Cooney, creator of Sesame Street 4)

The indespensible Greg Caz (not on here unfortunately but a must-follow on IG) said summer in NY feels like The Best Of Donald Byrd and holy guacamole is he right

(To messenger) Go now! Tarry not! (Looking out the castle window moments later) This mf tarrying

“There’s a reason it wasn’t called ‘Horton LISTENS TO a Who!’” - Horton’s wife, but not for much longer

The Jerk Store called. It was less than 24 hours after your date with The Jerk Store, which is a turn-off