"By doing things voters wanted, he set unrealistic expectations. Soon, voters will expect ALL politicians to represent their interests. Then where will we be?"

"Misused Apostrophes: Most souls on this level are cursed to endlessly hunt for things that they mistakenly stated belonged to someone or something. Where is Kid’s party? What about Nacho’s $5.75? This entire level has lost it's way." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/dan...

Spoken aloud, while looking in the bathroom mirror: “What the everloving fuck is going on with my neck?”

The Rob Base Postulate: Given that a number greater than 1(x) is required to make a thing go right, and that the exact equal number (y) is required to make it out of sight (x = y), what is the minimum whole number required to achieve both outcomes? www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/pop...

"Now, my fellow wealthy serial molesters and I have no choice but to move our ill-reputed businesses elsewhere while we find other towns full of unsuspecting women to harass." Pitch perfect, @shadesofgreaves.bsky.social!!

'You’re probably thinking, screw you, my doctor would tell me if something was really wrong, or else they wouldn’t have sent these. But do you know that for sure? Because there sure are a lot of numbers here and a lot of arrows up and down."

"What pets have you had in the past, and what happened to them? Write at least five hundred words about the traumatic death of your childhood pet."

Ginny never misses.

Woohoo! @mcsweeneys.net is back on Flipboard. Twisted humor for twisted times — we're here for it!

"We all saw the way your disciples looked at us. 'Oh, hey, a bunch of hicks,' they said to themselves. “Let’s give them the usual. Bet they live off of junk food anyway.” That sort of holier-than-thou attitude isn’t doing you any favors."

Rude Stay out of my harddrive McSweeney's

"Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer a city where everyday residents have to work three jobs and are under constant threat of eviction. Anything short of an excruciating existence for the working class just doesn’t cut it for me."

"Last week, I watched a flaneur spend his entire afternoon staring at a blank piece of cardboard. When my manager asked what he was doing, the man responded that he was 'Kinda just raw-dogging the Montmartre, waiting for the light to hit.'"

"As we all know, the worst part about eating pizza is how the cheese gets stuck to the insides of your pockets. I can’t tell you how many good pairs of slacks I’ve ruined just because I love pizza and I lead an on-the-go lifestyle." #NewFoodReviews

"I’m not looking so bad now, huh? Absolute best case, the LLM-generated legal advice you get is merely plagiarizing, probably from me. But more likely, it’s a mish-mash of Reddit posts filtered through an algorithm coded by a Belarusian teen on the run from Interpol."

Fucking lol 'Now, I’m thinking about digging deeper into other stuff I performatively do—indie films, activism, and my friendships.'

Too close, McSweeneys, too close

From Jay Hopler's book, Still Life, which was released shortly after he passed in 2022. The beauty and wonder with which he explored and faced his illness have stunned me ever since. Published by @mcsweeneys.net. #poem #booksky #writing

The Rob Base Postulate: Given that a number greater than 1(x) is required to make a thing go right, and that the exact equal number (y) is required to make it out of sight (x = y), what is the minimum whole number required to achieve both outcomes? www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/pop...

600 foot home run.

"You don’t need to be 'paid' to become a professional writer. I suggest you adopt a Cartesian view of writing and recognize that through the act of writing, you become a writer. Your parents will not let you starve."

"This kid yodeled in a Walmart, and people just went nuts over it. Yeah, I don’t know either."

"Imagine being a single father who supports a series of younger and younger ex-wives on just a CEO’s salary, and having to tell your semi-estranged children that the caviar on their plate tomorrow night might be Osetra instead of Beluga."

"In normal times, against a normal candidate, we have no evidence that picking a friendly, relatable, likable candidate without a history of sexual abuse will work. Let’s not read too much into it." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/yea...

"Last week, I watched a flaneur spend his entire afternoon staring at a blank piece of cardboard. When my manager asked what he was doing, the man responded that he was 'Kinda just raw-dogging the Montmartre, waiting for the light to hit.'"

"We all saw the way your disciples looked at us. 'Oh, hey, a bunch of hicks,' they said to themselves. “Let’s give them the usual. Bet they live off of junk food anyway.” That sort of holier-than-thou attitude isn’t doing you any favors."

"Kathy is a soon-to-be-retired small animal veterinarian in the greater Des Moines area. She was once reviewed as a top veterinarian for rats on a local rat forum. In her office, she has a preserved dog heart suspended in fluid filled with heartworm."

"While most people on social media mean well, the end result is a big echo chamber that fundamentally divides our culture. Also, I had sex with a maroon 2001 Nissan Maxima, and I am hoping to quietly bury my apology here in this think piece without too much fanfare."

We were looking for a good quote to set up the satire here, but nothing clicked. Then Douthat’s op-ed dropped late morning, and well, thank you New York Times yet again. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/yea...

"You see an innocent skyline; I see a potential security threat. Those towers can be signaling enemy kaiju. Those electric lights may be sending signals into space meant for alien invaders. You don’t know. I’m not willing to take that risk."

"You created an account just for family and friends, and marveled at your newfound organizational prowess. Then it dawned on you that you had no idea which email to use for logins, work emails, and subscriptions to your friends’ newsletters."

"I simply can’t watch another performance of my esteemed work where my villainous queen is clearly half thinking about getting high with the three witches at the cast party."

If this didn't boldly say "McSweeney's," you might have sworn this was published on literally any mainstream platform. They out pitchbotted the pitchbot.

"It’s not 1859 anymore, guys. This is not your blue period. You are not in your watercolor era. You are just a cheap asshole who is quite adept at depicting this bawdy revue." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...

Oh ouch. This one cuts deep.

"You don’t have to know about this celebrity. For the record, though, it’s pronounced 'hock two-ah.' It’s not a slur, but still, don’t say it. If you really want to know, just google it. I’m not going to explain it to you."

"Corporations trying to get by without having to pay their employees a living wage could really suffer if they have to absorb the costs of the nearly 13% of SNAP recipients who aren’t able to afford food anymore, or of workers having to miss a shift to stand in line at a food bank."

"In normal times, against a normal candidate, we have no evidence that picking a friendly, relatable, likable candidate without a history of sexual abuse will work. Let’s not read too much into it." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/yea...

🫡🤌🏻

"You privately think 'the kids' are alarmingly intolerant of free speech these days, but you’d never say this aloud or online because 'the kids' are your bosses." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sig...

“Hope” is the thing with feathers – That perches in the cage – And sings the taunting songs – That never stop – Yet, tonight, tonight – When you sleep – I will eat it.

"Kathy is a soon-to-be-retired small animal veterinarian in the greater Des Moines area. She was once reviewed as a top veterinarian for rats on a local rat forum. In her office, she has a preserved dog heart suspended in fluid filled with heartworm."

How did McSweeney's find my thesis file folder?

Of *course* I sent this to my gluten-free best friend who’s also an atheist

"Did you know that the Parks next door are being haunted in Korean? With subtitles??? How is Eva going to get into a good college if our ghosts are monolingual?"

"Sometimes it’s hard even to believe he’s here in front of me. Dracula’s breathtaking review of Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory was why I got into castle reviewing in the first place."

Chapter and fucking verse, man.

"Corporations trying to get by without having to pay their employees a living wage could really suffer if they have to absorb the costs of the nearly 13% of SNAP recipients who aren’t able to afford food anymore, or of workers having to miss a shift to stand in line at a food bank."

"You don’t have to know about this celebrity. For the record, though, it’s pronounced 'hock two-ah.' It’s not a slur, but still, don’t say it. If you really want to know, just google it. I’m not going to explain it to you."