26. Brook - Boston’s third-best suburb and the twenty-sixth-best line. 27. Dead - Henderson needs the report by EOD. 28. Cruise - I’m only there for the magician.

"It’s actually not that easy of a test, but for me it was easy because I have a good memory. Because I’m cognitively there. I had to remember five words. I can even do it now: Person. Woman. Man. Squirrel. Stop sign."

“Huck shows great disrespect for the Court’s precedent in Dred Scott when aiding the fugitive Jim, presumably due to liberal indoctrination by the Widow Douglas.” www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/exc...

1. The sun came out. It was warm and pleasant. 2. We had a couple of beautiful days this week. Tuesday was one of them. 3. We went out for breakfast because we had nothing to eat for breakfast.

🤣🤣🤣 This is so on point...

A new, very buffmaxxed installment of our weekly comic about artistic creatures trying to make it in a bleak forest. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/but...

"Just admit you were jealous of our commute and hated the idea of us enjoying a holistic work-life-play housing concept optimized to balance labor and leisure."

"A lot of the time, it’s not even grown-ups making up the stories. It’s done by AI. AI is a fancy robot that writes like a college freshman on Adderall who is using filler to hide the fact that he hasn’t done the assigned reading."

"In Louisiana, where Black people make up roughly a third of the population, the congressional maps were specifically drawn so that a third of the districts were majority Black. Does that seem fair to you?" www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...

Oh, hey, I wrote a thing about a guy who sucks.

"I remind myself that my body is a collab between a divine being and a genomic sequence longer than a CVS receipt. It’s my right to wear a derriere doily."

brilliant. hawthorne haha.

"You might feel a tinge of betrayal to know that Nirvana LLC is complicit in the mass marketing of the band’s logo and media assets, giving Target remarkable autonomy over the band’s posteriority."

An excerpt from Elizabeth Preston's 'The Creatures' Guide to Caring': What is a naked mole rat, exactly? Before I left on this trip, my 7-year-old described them with confidence. “They look like this!” she said, lifting up her shirt. “And you try really hard not to stare at them.”

“Huck shows great disrespect for the Court’s precedent in Dred Scott when aiding the fugitive Jim, presumably due to liberal indoctrination by the Widow Douglas.” www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/exc...

"No other driver in history has been asked to take as many fitness tests as me. And I ace them all." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/you...

A new, very buffmaxxed installment of our weekly comic about artistic creatures trying to make it in a bleak forest. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/but...

15. Border - I’m a little on the fence about this one. 16. Bee - Get there quick. 17. Pipe - Cool when Mario, not cool when school-to-prison.

"The US education system is completely unfair, as evidenced not only by influencers encouraging people to degree-maxx but also by our Inequality in Education class (which will take your AI agent eight seconds to complete)."

"I remind myself that my body is a collab between a divine being and a genomic sequence longer than a CVS receipt. It’s my right to wear a derriere doily."

This is incredibly good writing

Palindrome sale! Get ready for the kind warping McSweeney’s 82 with four issues for $72.27 store.mcsweeneys.net/products/qua...

“The Fountainhead, I have read. Powerful, I have become.” “My shorts are not too short. Dress like this, everyone does.” “Ask to be born, I did not!”

Nine Inch Nails: You’re learning to pretend that gardening is an adequate replacement for the sexual adventures of your youth.

"The Emperor is a smart man. He’s playing a long game. People see a glowing aperture pointed at our planet capable of snuffing out all life as we know it, and they panic. But that’s emotional. Grand Moff Tarkin is probably up there doing calibrations we just don’t understand."

“So we’re trading stickers we can’t see,” Sophie says. “Yes,” Ms. Delgado answers. “And we know we have them because of the list.” “Yes.” “And nobody is in charge of the list.” “That’s correct.” Liam raises his hand. “What if someone takes the stickers?”

"The US education system is completely unfair, as evidenced not only by influencers encouraging people to degree-maxx but also by our Inequality in Education class (which will take your AI agent eight seconds to complete)."

<chef’s kiss>

Nine Inch Nails: You’re learning to pretend that gardening is an adequate replacement for the sexual adventures of your youth.

An excerpt from Elizabeth Preston's 'The Creatures' Guide to Caring': What is a naked mole rat, exactly? Before I left on this trip, my 7-year-old described them with confidence. “They look like this!” she said, lifting up her shirt. “And you try really hard not to stare at them.”

Start to finishline this is an incredible addition to the @mcsweeneys.net list pantheon.

Every mechanical engineer: seems legit

"Just because I am blessed with divine insight into all that shall come to pass, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to hop on a prediction-market platform and throw a couple hundred drachmae on the Lakers winning the NBA Championship (spoiler alert)."

"You need to long for Holden Caulfield because longing for something is good for the emotionally unwell. That’s what I told my friends when they stopped coming to my parties because I was getting 'too intense' about metaphors."

"The annual review also requires me to write up my accomplishments in detail and submit them two weeks before the review. This involves searching four different places to find the correct information on how to submit the document."

Thanks for running this one @mcsweeneys.net In fairness, also inspired in part by how much $ my parents wasted on swimming lessons for me growing up and my wicked witch like properties in water. Much like POTUS polling numbers, deeply underwater

My favorite “So you run a ski lodge? Do you just, like, chill during the summer? Must be nice.”

McSweeney’s should just do Miranda Priestly content for now/a couple weeks.

"No other driver in history has been asked to take as many fitness tests as me. And I ace them all." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/you...

F. Scott Fitzgerald: “Aaaaaaah aaaaaaaaaaaah ah ah ah ah aaaaaaaaaaah ah aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”

"I hope you can use these papers. A lot of them are lyrics, and others are napkins, but there may be business things in there. As for me, I gotta get back to workin’ and practicin’." (Happy birthday, Bob!) buff.ly/z410Tek

"I voted for strength. The Emperor projects strength. That’s important. But I didn’t think strength meant a planet-killing battle station this close to my planet. I assumed deployments like this were for Outer Rim situations. You know, for lesser things, like Jawas."

I'll never watch Star Wars the same way again. Turns out Vader is the true heir to Jane Jacobs...

15. Border - I’m a little on the fence about this one. 16. Bee - Get there quick. 17. Pipe - Cool when Mario, not cool when school-to-prison.

"Let it be known that while in America, I always stood with the immigrant farmworkers who picked our food. Most recently, I stood in line at Erewhon to buy a nineteen-dollar basket of strawberries that they surely picked. All so I could bring a snack for the plane ride to Lisbon."

A real oldie. Not a good, necessarily. But a real oldie. RULES FOR MY CUDDLE PARTY @mcsweeneys.net www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/rul...

"But by the time we get to the end of this paragraph, you could have completed Intro to Microeconomics, Writing for College and the Real World, Bio 101, and Visual Design in Digital Spaces."

"The angel did not speak, but pointed back to the third horse, and then I saw he was ridden by a great South African King named Elon, saluting like the Romans, but winking at me in a way that was totally gross."

"You might feel a tinge of betrayal to know that Nirvana LLC is complicit in the mass marketing of the band’s logo and media assets, giving Target remarkable autonomy over the band’s posteriority."

Yes. This.