"Gaze into my eyes and follow the icy blue to the truth you inherently seek. The truth that we all seek. You claim that fear forbids you from finding this truth, but fear is the slop we gobble from the trough. Hear me now: Goo Goo. You are going to die. Gaa Gaa."

"What did I mean when I texted him that I 'loved' the jerky made of human flesh that he sent me for Christmas? An inside joke. You wouldn’t get it. You people have no sense of humor."

"As long as we burn through the budget, kicking new immigrants out in the most painful and brutal way possible, we can ensure a declining population and a stagnant economy for the foreseeable future."

Q: Why will football be featured during the Bad Bunny concert?* A: The Bad Bunny concert is fantastic exposure for the NFL and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to put the game of American football in front of fans of the biggest musical artist in the world.

"So, it called 'rockchain' because it literally chain of rocks. If Gnog want to take rock out of rockchain, majority of hunters looking at rockchain must say, 'Okay, Gnog, that rock yours.'" www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...

"The Post’s editorial decisions have nothing to do with my relationship with Donald Trump, and everything to do with what’s best for America. Namely, the dismantling of our constitutional rights and democratic institutions."

"Keep standing in line for cronuts, listening to Mumford & Sons, and watching videos of men unboxing sneakers. We know we complained about these things in the past, but we’ve come to realize that you, the man who brews beer in our closet, are the most evolved of your species."

HAMLET Sexy football player type, but not just a football player, because we need him to be smart and sensitive too. Lacrosse team, maybe? We’ll come back to this. Required skills: Smoldering glances, ability to look deep without creating forehead wrinkles.

"If you make the right moves, you'll live happily ever after with a loving partner and beautiful children. But if you make one wrong move, someone else will marry your true love, and you'll end up living in your sister’s attic with two pet turtles." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...

Jesus! This one burns!

🎯

"This change is just the nail in the coffin of a carefully calculated plan to turn the United States into the tin-pot dictatorship of my dreams. It’s definitely not because I’m scared of any investigations that the DOJ’s antitrust division may or may not launch." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/dem...

Q: Why will football be featured during the Bad Bunny concert?* A: The Bad Bunny concert is fantastic exposure for the NFL and a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to put the game of American football in front of fans of the biggest musical artist in the world.

There stood a woman: bloated stomach, glassy-eyed, hair dry and wild, pale, lips pulled back in an ugly grimace. Wendy screamed. It was a mirror. Self-care had fallen to the wayside since Danny was born. Also, there was a dead body rotting in the bathtub.

"Maybe it’s the packaging, but the sandwich has the same aroma as every plastic-wrapped wrap in every airport café. Is it nostalgic? Is it noxious? I take a giant sniff, delirious, then a whopping bite, too ravenous to care." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...

"Investors must act fast; this is the most exciting get-rich-quick opportunity since Bitcoin started accepting Bitcoin in transactions for Bitcoin."

"Many of your fellow students will soon find themselves toiling with résumés, references, and interviews. But a career in bridge trolling removes you from the tedium of the job hunt. You will truly be your own boss."

McSweeneys always hits so hard

"Gaze into my eyes and follow the icy blue to the truth you inherently seek. The truth that we all seek. You claim that fear forbids you from finding this truth, but fear is the slop we gobble from the trough. Hear me now: Goo Goo. You are going to die. Gaa Gaa."

Agonizingly, painfully good.

"Our goal is not safety. Our goal is fear. Our goal is intimidation. Our goal is order. If enough people accept this, then we can finally have the America we want: where accountability is optional, truth is inconvenient, and silence is considered cooperation."

This was surprisingly powerful. Well done, McSweeney's. Well done, Amanda Lehr.

"After a decade on dating apps, I’ve decided to enter a different market. This is why I’m listing myself on Zillow until I find a good match—which, to my understanding, will be about forty-eight hours."

"Since the day Johanna was born, we’ve worked to indoctrinate her into the truth of Objectivism."

"Our mission is to help protect health care for the warriors who served our great country. We realize that this might not sound like a typical terrorism agenda, but in the USA these days, nobody takes groups seriously unless they’ve been labeled a domestic terrorist organization."

"I understand that it’s not a great look to have exchanged tens of thousands of text messages with The Cannibal King over many years. Still, cut me some slack. We've all had a questionable acquaintance or two in our lives." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/jus...

"I almost tripped over this big plastic brick. It’s a TI-83 graphing calculator. Either he thought he would need it for his career, or he felt an emotional connection to it. He worked in AI Annotation his whole life. Never needed math."

There stood a woman: bloated stomach, glassy-eyed, hair dry and wild, pale, lips pulled back in an ugly grimace. Wendy screamed. It was a mirror. Self-care had fallen to the wayside since Danny was born. Also, there was a dead body rotting in the bathtub.

"Many of your fellow students will soon find themselves toiling with résumés, references, and interviews. But a career in bridge trolling removes you from the tedium of the job hunt. You will truly be your own boss."

"I'm here to assure everyone that I want for the Press what you want: to honor its legacy of fearless reporting and biting criticism while also allowing for cutting-edge innovations like not paying writers." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/im-...

"Investors must act fast; this is the most exciting get-rich-quick opportunity since Bitcoin started accepting Bitcoin in transactions for Bitcoin."

TOO REAL

"Yes, we shall live, Uncle Vanya. We shall live through the long procession of chunks before us and through the long retchings; we shall patiently bear the spew that fate imposes on us; we shall scrub it without rest; and when our last hour comes, we shall meet it humbly..."

"Our endless parking lot will earn outside revenue from many sources. We can rent it to post-apocalyptic television shows as an easy visual for the destroyed, soulless husk of society, and that’s about it. Fingers crossed for Mad Max: Rochester, New York."

Artist must currently be suffering from spiraling intrusive thoughts. Artist must have wept spontaneously and uncontrollably in the last twenty-four hours. Artist must have lived with their parents for an extended period as an adult.

"I received your missive of Thursday last with the greatest of gratitude, as my brave compatriots and I have now waited five hours for the orders to approach a moderately busy intersection in the shopping district of a mid-sized American city."

"Theoretically, some longevity breakthrough could happen that would enable IT to NEVER HAPPEN. Just the idea is PSYCHOLOGICALLY COMPLICATED. But realistically, IT will HAPPEN. After all, the medical research apparatus will shortly be fully dismantled, unless IT HAPPENS soon."

Truth. Never believe a Republican who says they are fiscally conservative.

McSweeney’s and the Onion aren’t satire — they hold up mirrors. Better truth telling than the moneymaking, AI-dominated model Bezos wants for WaPo.

oh no

"You may be skeptical about machine-written work at first, but once you see the software rearranging familiar-seeming paragraphs into different orders and changing a few words, you’ll realize it’s a suitable replacement for your favorite authors, who can now rest and starve."

"This career has it all: creativity, customer-facing dynamics, a pointy hat." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/you...

"I understand that it’s not a great look to have exchanged tens of thousands of text messages with The Cannibal King over many years. Still, cut me some slack. We've all had a questionable acquaintance or two in our lives." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/jus...

This piece hit **hard** for me.

"This change is just the nail in the coffin of a carefully calculated plan to turn the United States into the tin-pot dictatorship of my dreams. It’s definitely not because I’m scared of any investigations that the DOJ’s antitrust division may or may not launch." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/dem...

McSweeney's hits it out of the park, again. but it also adds to the nausea I was talking about

"This box is marked DRINKWARE, which contains the complete set of McDonald’s commemorative glasses from Batman Returns. Did he think these were going to be worth something someday, or did they mean something to him?"

Managing medical care is time consuming and stressful! With Supermarket Cake you can focus on cake instead of worrying about getting appointments for refills and second opinions.

"Instead of spending a small amount of money that would lead to a productive, prosperous national population for generations, we should spend a large amount of money on deportations." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...

Threaten me with a good time