"It would be easy for me to dismiss my ignorance as a result of my youth. I was only 16 going on 17 when the relationship in question occurred, and up until that point, the men in my life —namely my father and significant others — insisted on infantilizing me."

🎶🔔 "SILVER BELLS... SILVER BELLS... IT'S CHILL-OUT TIME FOR McSWEENEY'S..." 🔔 🎶

Submissions to our humor site are now closed. They will reopen Monday, January 5, 2026, at 10 a.m. Eastern. (Timely submission will reopen a day earlier on Jan 4 at 10 a.m. Eastern.) Happy Merry! 🎄🎅🎁 www.mcsweeneys.net/pages/guidel...

"To our dearest friends and family..." FALSE. While this letter was indeed sent to dear friends and family, it has been confirmed that the recipient list also included immediate neighbors, members of the PTO board, and Beth from work.

"We recently identified a breach of our North Pole Magic Systems (NPMS) that may have compromised your personal data—namely, the thousands of hours of footage we have of when you are sleeping, as well as when you are awake."

ALL-TIMER

JENNIFER: Christmas! MARK: Work! (Both distracted by work and Christmas, they collide. Mark’s briefcase bursts open, spewing sheets of paper. Jennifer’s cookies land in the snow.) JENNIFER: Sorry! Christmas! Christmas. MARK: Work, work, no, I’m sorry, work.https://buff.ly/qvUdnLT

Such a great retelling of the Rudolph story in the style of Ayn Rand. Rudolph smashes the toy factory and frees the elves and Santa from the tyranny of the system! Everyone becomes independent and strong. And masculine. Such a hoot!

"Edward Albee’s 1962 classic play has been adapted numerous times throughout the decades but never like the immersive performance put on by Debbie and Hank Crowder this holiday season."

"For one magical night a year, Santa and his friends bring holiday cheer to millions of people around the world. For the rest of the 364 nights? They’re just like us: hustling to get by in an ever-shrinking global economy."

McSweeney's hits it out of the park again

Feels like a great day to repost my @mcsweeneys.net piece about the new editor at CBS News! www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/aaa...

"This was not extraordinary or cool in any capacity. There were no explosive sounds, and I had to constantly jab and stir this decrepit mass of white chocolate to release the marshmallows."

SANTA DENIER: Every time I’ve seen a reindeer, they’re just standing there, chewing grass. CHILD: By your own admission, you’ve never seen a reindeer even attempt to fly. But you think you can confidently tell me that you KNOW reindeer cannot fly?

GALAXY Tonight’s going to be the crucial night for "Young Punk at Graduation Dance.” ALBERT Who, sir? GALAXY The man who lurks by the controls in the Bedford Falls gymnasium to convince a jilted dancer to open the gym floor, so that the dancer’s rival falls into the swimming pool.

LUCY: Let’s face it, Charlie Brown. We all know that censorship has ruined Christmas. That’s why we have to support the academic renegades on the intellectual dark web and their righteous fight against the suppression of free speech.

"It would be easy for me to dismiss my ignorance as a result of my youth. I was only 16 going on 17 when the relationship in question occurred, and up until that point, the men in my life —namely my father and significant others — insisted on infantilizing me."

"As you know, our little convent has been plagued in recent months by the 'Maria problem.' I must say, in all my years serving the Lord, this is the greatest challenge I have ever faced. It is like trying to hold a moonbeam in your hand."

The Sound of Music is on TV tonight, so we must point you, yet again, to this all-timer by Melinda Taub from our archives.

🏆😂 Chef’s kiss

I wish to laugh— yet I must weep.

"We were at home in South Philly, and he told me to put my stockings on because the night’s getting cold. I thought we were going on a date, but the next thing I knew, we were on that Coast City bus, and he revealed he was a mob associate. Like, are you serious right now?"

"To our dearest friends and family..." FALSE. While this letter was indeed sent to dear friends and family, it has been confirmed that the recipient list also included immediate neighbors, members of the PTO board, and Beth from work.

"Far be it from me to keep them from their dreams. But do all their dreams have to involve marrying some rough-hewn yet soft-hearted guy from their hometowns and taking over management of a financially dubious small business, farm, or townwide festival?"

PRODUCER 1: Okay, so: Curtain up. It’s Christmas Eve. A young girl named Clara is opening gifts. One happens to be from her favorite uncle, a kind of creepy mask-wearing guy named Drosselmeyer. PRODUCER 2: Don’t love this...

565. November 21, 2025 – Trump said that he was “immediately terminating” Temporary Protected Status (TPS) for Somali migrants living in Minnesota. #LestWeForget

"And no gifts. I always end up with stuff I don't want. Like frankincense. And myrrh. I ask for the receipt, and then suddenly I'm the bad guy. Like it matters, anyway—what am I supposed to do with store credit at the Spice Emporium?"

KEVIN: Hello? MOM: Kevin! KEVIN: Mom? MOM: I’m so sorry you’re home alone! Your sister accidentally took your jacket that had your AirTag in the pocket, and we were too busy listening to Audible to notice you were missing.

"Unlike the music from his day, he thinks everything the youth are listening to is just a bunch of noise, noise, noise, NOISE."

ALBERT Can’t you put me on the George Bailey case? Everyone seems to be praying for him. GALAXY Clarence is on the Bailey case. ALBERT Clarence?! That Tom Sawyer-toting boob?! GALAXY Don’t worry. You’re kind of in a support position. Just keep watching.

"I’m sorry, but a few hundred unhinged Truth Social posts an hour fired off in an Adderall-fueled haze over a few days is not the same as someone sitting down, channeling the muses, and workshopping pure elegance like, 'We can’t wait for the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.'"

RED FLAG: He practices open and honest communication. GREEN FLAG: He will build you a house in rural New Hampshire without asking if you want to live there. The house will not be up to code, but it has an adorable fireplace. (Do NOT turn it on.)

"As she lay waiting for whatever it is one does next, he took in her handsome visage. Elizabeth’s face was more than adequate, possessing two eyes and a mouth in the places one should find them."

1. Your magical powers can light up a room. 2. Everyone laughs at you and calls you names. 3. A red biological emission is the source of deep shame and trauma.

"We know many of you look forward to opening your mailbox each December to receive the Morton annual Christmas card and extensive family newsletter. It brings us no good tidings to let you know that we’ve made the difficult decision to paywall it."

Clarice gazed at Rudolph's nose, at the silent contempt blazing in its scarlet glow. "They hate you, Rudolph. They hate you for your strength, your self-reliance, for being a… a misfit. This world won't accept you. So to be worthy of you, I will choose to suffer."

🎨 🖼️

“Your name should be Santa Claus from now on,” said Jesus. “My little brother Santa Claus, whom I love.” Santa Claus felt at home for the first time in his life. He smiled and began to laugh in a low, rumbling chuckle.

"JOË is an AI agent who specializes in laying off employees nicely. He’s like if Buddha had guts. Losing your job used to feel like a divorce. With new technology, it still does—but in a good way." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/a-c...

ATTACKED www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/is-...

There is no crying On this side of the moving Walkway. Please step right.

ICYMI: We've updated our list of Trump's cruelties, collusions, corruptions, and crimes. He's up to 580 atrocities. #LestWeForget

Mary Shelley: “Definitely not a real goth. SMDH.” Ralph Ellison: “Oh god, not them again—quick, hide!” Jack Kerouac: “Even I think this guy is a bit much.”

CHILD: So, you’re claiming there is some worldwide conspiracy that EVERY mommy and daddy in the world is in on? SANTA DENIER: Well, I wouldn’t call it a “conspiracy"…

"Love my sisters, but be slightly more interesting and intelligent than they are."

"Life as a bug was rough. Eating rotten food and scurrying around all day isn’t as fun as it sounds. But the worst part was all the essays college students were forced to write about how what happened to me was supposed to represent man’s inhumanity to man or whatever." "

And every one a new favorite.

"Some of you have mentioned the massive bunker I’m building beneath the ballroom. Don’t worry about that, it’s there just in case of an emergency, like if I wanted to be Santa forever and someone lied and said I couldn’t be."