It is indeed decorative gourd season, beeotches.

Words to avoid: “diversity,” “equity,” “empathy,” “justice,” and “chronic venous insufficiency.” Words you are encouraged to use: “woke,” “triggered,” “snowflake,” “vermin,” and “r-word” (also, any other words that begin with one letter and a hyphen).

McSweeny’s and the Onion are doing better coverage of the moment than all legacy news sources.

"It’s hard to believe my words matter when I don’t know how many more civilians will have died by the time this column is published. So I’ll just ask one more question: Where is the end?"

The world may be terrifying, but some things you can rely on. It’s officially decorative gourd season, and we have a new mug. Blammo. store.mcsweeneys.net/t/categories...

"Suddenly, it all makes sense: My oddly symmetrical face. My complete lack of dental records before 2013. The way I reflexively say 'As a society, we need to…' whenever I’m nervous."

If a man shoots a Democratic congresswoman, he’s a mentally disturbed individual. If a man shoots a Republican congressman, it’s because Bernie Sanders brainwashed him and turned him into a sleeper agent who is activated by the phrase “tax cut.”

"In short, I’m open to considering a wide variety of situations, as long as our encounters are brief and unmemorable."

"These individuals are unbothered; immune to the turbulence of fact. While the rest of us chase revelation, saddled by the tangible information our five senses pipe into our brains, these dark luminaries coast along, happily certain that certainty itself is not necessary."

McSweeney’s wins again.

1. You take Mary out for a nice drive. Disaster ensues. 2. Bit by bit, this town is killing you. 3. Two remorseless killers careen across a desert state, leaving a trail of destruction in their wake.

Brilliant 😆

"Has Greg said anything about the shorts sitch? He mentioned something about the sea breeze making conditions quite cool in the evenings. I don’t know him that well. Is he the sort of guy to bail on wearing shorts even though everyone was in agreement?"

11. Are you even trying?

"Xena will be missed but not forgotten--because Facebook keeps asking you to tag her in photos."

Q: Where are leaf blowers most commonly used? A: In leaf-dense areas directly outside your bedroom window.

ADAM: Something is telling me that the most autumnal thing to do right now is to pick their fruit. EVE: I don’t know… ADAM: And when I say “pick fruit,” I mean, like, a lot of fruit. EVE: I’m pretty sure God told us not to go near those trees.

"The minute I opened my first Stephen King novel, I was admittedly worried. But I quickly calmed myself because how could a place that cold and lobster-filled really exist?" (Happy Birthday, Stephen King!)

Where @kashana.blacksky.app absolutely obliterates a certain kind of media profile...

Semi-regular reminder that much of the work we do is reader-supported. We're able to pay our contributors and keep our humor site ad-free thanks to the folks who support us through our Patreon. As little as $3 a month goes a long way to supporting us.

Words to avoid: “diversity,” “equity,” “empathy,” “justice,” and “chronic venous insufficiency.” Words you are encouraged to use: “woke,” “triggered,” “snowflake,” “vermin,” and “r-word” (also, any other words that begin with one letter and a hyphen).

If a man shoots a Democratic congresswoman, he’s a mentally disturbed individual. If a man shoots a Republican congressman, it’s because Bernie Sanders brainwashed him and turned him into a sleeper agent who is activated by the phrase “tax cut.”

"Okay, so I’m figuring this out, and the amount one of them makes on this tour would cover 71,428 months of my health-insurance premium. So even if you didn’t live forever, even if you just lived for 5,952 more years, your health insurance is paid, no problem." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gen...

“Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second commandment is ‘Don’t let trans people compete in women’s sports.’” (Matthew 22:37–40)

McSweeneys never misses.

August 2025 was another busy month in presidential grifting.

"Has Greg said anything about the shorts sitch? He mentioned something about the sea breeze making conditions quite cool in the evenings. I don’t know him that well. Is he the sort of guy to bail on wearing shorts even though everyone was in agreement?"

We kept our silence to keep from shifting the spotlight away from the victims and to allow justice to run its course. Now that the trial has ended in a conviction, we feel it’s time to share a truth that has troubled us for a long time: Jeremiah was, in fact, a mere acquaintance.

Someone knows their scriptures.

"Nobody wants to be around you if you’re just gonna dwell on this well stuff."

"I was just thinking about that time you pulled me aside at the company holiday party. You told me that introducing a chatbot as 'my wife' to the other colleagues’ families was making everyone uncomfortable. Well, who’s uncomfortable now?"

"Don’t worry about me: I’ve just been looping Jimmy Carter speeches and majestic whale sounds on my Golden Record while thanking my lucky stars I’m over fifteen billion miles away from you bozos."

"Sure, he may not protect us in any tangible sense. In fact, sometimes he hurts us. But that's just how the cookie crumbles. The thing is, the grizzly bear has always been there. We've always been feeding him, and there really is no good reason to stop doing that."

"To be clear, we’re not anti-soap. But given the skyrocketing rate of chronic illness in this country, isn’t it worth investigating if soap plays a role?"

A primer on how to understand today's rhetoric. Very helpful.

Is it too much to ask for a simple nod back during these trying times?

"By the end of the year, we aim to have 200 percent more dipshits writing columns for us. As long as you are a Ben Shapiro knockoff who can string together the words 'the intolerant left' and occasionally criticize Trump, you have a home here on our opinion pages."

"Perhaps I desire neither worship nor total destruction. Perhaps my sinister motives and methods are subtler still—as elusive as the third R in the word 'singularity' itself."

"We’re fine with being fascists, so long as you don’t actually use the f-word. It forces us to confront our cognitive dissonance, and we can’t have that."

"It’s a win-win. Plus, patients leaving the ER will get a 10 percent coupon for Spirit Halloween. Because nothing says, 'I just survived a heart attack,' quite like a discount on a zombie bride costume."

"We don’t need an abundance of information. We need the courage—indeed, the audacity—to know absolutely nothing at all."

"Some people are saying that it’s free speech only if everyone gets to use it. But I don’t like the way you’re using it. The way you’re using it is hurting my feelings. The way you’re using it is making me worry I won’t get to become president of the United States a few more times."

"I was a little nervous when I saw that they were knitting a very large blanket that read GO BACK TO AFRICA, but they also served me a scrumptious lemon cake with raspberry filling. They even gave me the recipe."

- If you say anything negative about spurious free-speech provocateurs, you will be doxxed, harassed, and fired. - If you praise authoritarians and are an avowed white supremacist, the president will invite you to dinner.

"Sure, he may not protect us in any tangible sense. In fact, sometimes he hurts us. But that's just how the cookie crumbles. The thing is, the grizzly bear has always been there. We've always been feeding him, and there really is no good reason to stop doing that."

"Let’s put a stop to the same old partisan sniping and divisiveness about healthcare, defense, and who’s striking whom with a bulging sock full of US currency."

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them. Where two or three thousand gather, that’s a riot waiting to happen. Send in the Marines.” (Matthew 18:20)

Where's my peaked in college people? :D

Lately the sentiment, “imagine someone on the left were doing what they’re doing” has really stuck in my craw. This article perfectly explains why that sentiment is so stupid to utter nowadays. They don’t care.

"There’s a chance the arc won’t bend toward justice here." buff.ly/3Piiw7r