My kids? They’re doing all right. My boy’s a pediatric surgeon. My daughter does something with Alzheimer’s, I'm not sure.

Please try the Ahi Tuna croquette puffs, eat it off a toothpick next to that pool, just full of wet wet water

Uncle Andy contained multitudes. At his worst, he was a truly hateful, combative, and cruel man. At his best, however, he was also really annoying.

Your vibe was soooo post-op lobotomy patient.

Get that stethoscope out of your ears so you can hear me loud and clear when I tell you to Back The Hell Off.

Embarrassment saving height: Height charts are added five inches when obtaining your driver's license to avoid lying about how tall you are.

A description of discontinued candy bars: You know what’s better than not getting candy? Hearing about candy you’ll never get to enjoy ever.

This idea is foolproof as long as a group of sleuthing teenagers and their crime-solving dog don’t get in my way.

He must love dogs more than anything if he’s walking so many dogs. But why doesn’t he have a normal, regular job?

In NYC, a beer costs $830 plus tip; in Philadelphia, beer is poured out of the same taps scientists accidentally used to birth The Toxic Avenger.

Why is nobody celebrating this big win? It’s life! Even if that life is a disease, it is still life.

It is no secret that our relationship is entirely transactional, but still, our story was romantic. I convinced myself that this was love.

Receive an unsubscribe message that says “Based on your age we think you may be more interested in The Lumineers.” Now, it’s personal.

I used to be the most talked-about piece of art in this museum. Now I'm not smiling anymore.

Here's some new humor I wrote for @pointsincase.com! www.pointsincase.com/articles/the...

Money? Money? Money? Excuse me. Money? Money? Money? You. Give. Now. Money. Me.

Recent "How did you find PIC?" from submitters: - AI suggested it - A class and then a Substack about humor writing websites - on ChatGPT - Just looking around for funny, smart stuff, and here I am - Its ruthlessly efficient algorithm found ME

Given these conditions, we may be decades away from being able to fake another moon landing.

In this week's newsletter, @jamesfolta.com and I highlighted great writing by Clay Troup in @pointsincase.com, Andrew Graham Martin in @havehashad.com, and Helen Rosner and @karenchee.bsky.social in @newyorker.com. Plus info about my upcoming short humor workshops Check it out & subscribe here ⬇️

I’m like Rosamund Pike in the first act of "Gone Girl," when she was still a brunette.

But let me be clear: your hesitation to place a single mark on any of my acid-free, silk-finish pages is one hundred percent correct.

Will whatever the child is trying to do harm them but make for an awesome viral video?

The Anxious Solo Traveler - Decided to “step out of his comfort zone” by joining a tour where every minute is planned.

So proud to be in @pointsincase.com! Thanks guys!

New Run Club humor in @pointsincase.com !! Thanks for the pub @jamesfolta.com ! www.pointsincase.com/articles/im-...

Kayley blows past two seniors on recumbent trikes, yelling, “Get off the Pike, ya shitheads! This lane’s fa passin’!”

I don’t expect to meet anyone by joining your Club, but I wouldn’t be upset if someone asked about me. Has anyone asked about me yet?

Thank you @pointsincase.com for posting this silly one www.pointsincase.com/lists/the-hi...

Let’s make sure we’re on the same page about---The fact that I do NOT have trench foot.

Our competitors have all sucked up extremely hard to get here, but only one unctuous little twerp will advance to the county-level semifinal.

In this week's Newsletter we're belated celebrating our 8-year anniversary (!!!) with work in @mcsweeneys.net & @pointsincase.com by Michael Riotto, Daniela Fava, @katherinedinapoli.bsky.social, and our pal & favorite writer, Brian Agler Read & subscribe below, with 8 years of issues to read, too!

HHD 101: Introduction to Loud Sighing While Doing Dishes, TXT 250: Ellipses and Emotional Subtext, and SOC 480: "I'm Not Mad" While Obviously Mad.

It’s been ages since I’ve made my inkjet squirt and honestly that’s on me. www.pointsincase.com/articles/a-p...

Give your office copy machine a little diddle. It needs it. And check out my latest piece @pointsincase.com #comedy #funny #office #work www.pointsincase.com/articles/a-p...

Just because you don't need me to print those big Excel spreadsheets anymore doesn’t mean I don’t want my buttons fingered regularly.

My first piece for @pointsincase.com is live! www.pointsincase.com/articles/rit...

I’m still in here. Waving my arms at the bathroom motion sensors to keep the lights on.

Added some new language to our @pointsincase.com submissions guidelines:

But the more upsetting headlines I skim, the more likely it seems the dream of enjoying a career-best performance by Hugh Laurie is out of reach.

Can I interest you in the oral history of pumpkin spice SZN featuring Linus from Peanuts, a Buzzfeed listcle, and Cinderella’s fairy godmother?

Because nothing says “nightmare” like plantar fasciitis—Scary stories from me in @pointsincase.com

Zapruder Thesis Film (1928): Zapruder receives D minus. Teacher calls it the biggest disaster he’s ever seen captured on film.

The Great Pumpkin: Well, it was the ‘60s. We were all experimenting. I started messing around with cloves.

Dining Table, Separate Dining Room Disorganized: Okay rich, with divorcing parents.

Recent "How did you find PIC?" from submitters: - Exploratory humor studies - It came to me in a dream after eating too many chili dogs - Someone I know had a piece run here and I started checking the front page pretty regularly - Friends (I have some)!

A New Ache: Jonah awoke one morning to find his feet had been possessed.

I fear both your and your golden retriever’s rejection. The gift receipt to the anthropomorphic hot dog chew toy is my only source of comfort.

At one point, she pulled out a magical wand and goes, “Is this mine or yours?” I’m not even kidding.

Sure, the door might have been slightly ajar, but I had to walk through it. And I drank all the milkshakes and yelled, “How do you like me now!”