Oh no Tilly Norwood was ran over by the Philadelphia Cream Cheese TikTok float at the Macys Thanksgiving parade. (Her head exploded.)

I quit watching Stranger Things because of the nosebleeds

Podcasters are always like, “We started back in 2023. No one even knew what a podcast was back then.”

She’s going to be in Oh Mary I called this like a year ago

I think this song is probably about me (ugh jk ignore me I’m so vain)

Everyone’s always surprised when creeps are friends with creeps. It’s from watching too many sitcoms where there’s only one in a friend group. Same with dumb guys or chefs.

I’m sure they’re nice but this looks like shit

Somebody shoulda bet against that wig

Genuinely hope he wins

Can I be the one to tell Debra Messing

No and as a matter of fact I’m going to Trader Joe’s later to get even more

I love Halloween so much I think we should start asking each other “What are you supposed to be” throughout the year

We ran out of candy so I started letting kids take a picture with my Grammy for Best New Artist

Wait *that’s* the Monster Mash? We’ve been calling that the Lab Dance at work for years

Would never apologize to my inner child; easily half this shit is his fault

I took an IQ test they were like where are you going this time of night can you say the alphabet can you touch your nose name a number of beers

When I tell my English teacher I’m doing good

Now that I’ve cancelled Spotify I can tell you my year-end recap was a LIAR. I have good taste actually and that’s not why I cancelled but I thought you should know.

I know you aren’t in the mood but if you want to write the Song of Summer you should get started

I hope I’m never on a reality show because I hate taking accountability

🎶 Do you ever feel like a bag of milk

No kings unless it is your birthday and you are at Burger King but even then you just get one day

I had a doctor appointment this morning and as I was walking out I got a new Instagram follower and my first thought was oh it must be my doctor

If you think these guys are mean in public you might be surprised to find out what they’re like in private (mean)

Once we’ve settled all of our current horrors I think we should make it so the coupon offer pops up when you’re checking out and not while you’re trying to shop

It’s fucking Go-Time

Diane Keaton was one of the best at characters who were seemingly thinking up dialogue in the moment

RIP soon, Tilly

You better believe I’m never gonna ask ChatGPT anything (I’m shy)

I’m really going to miss summer if I could say anything to summer it would be have a great summer

Tilly Norwood tripped and broke her neck in the Jennifer Hudson Show Spirit Tunnel, is not expected to survive

I’m going to start a podcast because I’ve always wanted to interview famous people about myself

Oh no Tilly Norwood latest member of the 27 Club so tragic

My dream is to be one of the friends in an “and friends” show

“Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk” and “In this essay I will” double elimination please

I’ve been held back all these years by my repressible joy

I bet this is fine

What was Amelia Earhart’s least favorite color do you give up maroon get it like marooned on a deserted i

Spoiler she cut her own bangs

Someone did a cartwheel at the gym and I’m the only one who saw it

Feel free to use this pic of a knob on my parents’ washer if you need an idea for a horny reaction meme (also works for laundry jokes I bet)

On Kelly & Mark they said kiwi is the new healthiest fruit and then the audience applauded for kiwi like yes she did it

Meanwhile on Facebook

I stay sinful that way in case of the rapture I still get to see the next Batman movie

Should I grow my mustache back and be one of the mustache guys from Superman for Halloween

Sure I’ll pay for the early drop of your podcast episodes it’s only money what’s a burger like twenty bucks let’s do this let me hear that hot hot ep two days early who’s the guest oh holy shit it’s another podcaster let’s fucking go

Tac O’Bell

In honor of Robert Redford I’ve decided to become handsome

He looks like when an invisible movie character puts on a disguise so people can see him in public