See, her name is Hayley becau-

[interview] BOSS: Can you explain this gap in your resume? ME: That's when I worked at the Gap BOSS: Ha very funny, I mean this other gap ME: That's when I fell into a mountain gap BOSS: Hm, okay. But how about this third gap? ME *grabbing resume*: Let me see...oh, you're in the dental section

"I blew him" "No, I blew him"

[blind date] ME: Tell me about yourself HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire ME: That's weird HER: What is? ME: Being afraid of stairs

COP: Where were you the night of the murder? CROW: I was with a group of friends. COP: And what would you call that group? CROW: Uh…I want a lawyer

I'm not a fan of artificial intelligence. I was just getting used to regular intelligence.

I tried farm to table, but a cow stepped on my spaghetti.

When I was a kid, "subverting the patriarchy" meant making your dad turn the car around.

BOB DYLAN: 🎶Oh, the times, they are a changin'...🎶 ME *looking at my watch*: Oh shi-

[blind date] HER: I'm a ghost writer ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

[blind date] HER: I'm a Nihilist ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

HER: You're not very self-aware, but I love your flaws. ME: My what?!

[blind date] HER: I'm totally into Homer... the Odyssey, the Iliad, you know what I mean? ME {obviously thinking about when he saved the monorail by using the letter "M" from the side of the train and a rope to create an improvised anchor}: Oh my god, yes!

Happy "Canadian" Thanksgiving (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

I just realized I have a predominantly white fan base

[Veterans Hospital] GRAMPS {waking from 80-year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the authoritarian fascists? ME: Haha, well…interesting story

[Lab] MONSTER: What.. is.. my.. name? DOCTOR: We'll call you…Frankenstein MONSTER: But.. that.. your... name DOCTOR: Yeah, people won't make a big deal of it

I have once again pulled off the perfect Chicago style pizza

I think I'm pretty smart, but I refuse to join MENSA until they recognize WOMENSAs equally!!

BREAKING: Loser changes tack

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk? SCARECROW: Oh I forgot SCARECROW WIFE: You'd forget your brain if… SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

My mechanic said I needed "new bushings," so I slapped him across the face! The nerve!

If Dora the Explorer meets Where's Waldo, they die.

Guys would rather do The Rapture than go to therapy.

To all you "glass half full" people out there: You call that optimism?! Half full?! Maybe try a little harder.

[blind date] HER: I love the fall ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there? ME: Can you be sure it wasn't just the planet slowing down? COP: I'm listening

Is it true that even Bluesky is at risk of censo█████?

Is anyone interested in my OnlyGrams page?

3D printing is great, but I just used my 4D printer to create a hypothetical construct of extra-spatiality. It can also kind of do Mobius strips.

Felt cube, might delete later

I accidentally 3D printed a mess of trouble.

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants? ME: There is no way PAL: Why? ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Everyone knows that "copping a feel" on the subway is absolutely atrocious behavior. However, "feeling a cop" is equally frowned upon. I know that now.

Has "Right on Right Crime" been coined yet?

Now that someone from the far right has been needlessly killed by gun violence, I'm sure they'll do nothing about it.

“Who’s this chucklefuck?” she asks. Charles le Fuck silently bristles at the informality…

You want a tradwife, fine, build me a house. Fill it with solid wood furniture you made with your own two hands. Help the mare deliver her foal in the springtime. Catch tuberculosis and make me a widow at 32

Are your kids secretly Republicans? Check their social media messages for these tell-tale signs... LMAO - Limit Minorities Around Ohio BTW - Build The Wall IRL - I Repudiate Lefties ROTFL - Rights Of The Females?: Less WTH - Withhold The Healthcare GOP - GOP OMG - Oh My Guns

"Are you gonna do anything about guns?" TRUMP: No, it's about mental health "Are you gonna do anything about mental health?" TRUMP: No

I like to take long hikes in the woods to get away from everything. Somehow become separated from the main group, forced to sleep under a tree in frigid temperatures. Get frostbite on all my extremities, become delirious, and die from exposure.

Yoko Ono implies the existence of Dua Lipa.

[2025, USA] SCIENTIST: Mr. President, we've finally discovered a way to go back in time and kill Hitler. TRUMP: I can veto that, right?

The boys are back in town, and they are Kung-fu fighting... in my yard.

[School band tryouts] ME: They say I have perfect pitch TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got *I throw a baseball right into the tuba*

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *pretending I'm asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed* COP: Oh dang

[blind date] HER: I play cello, like to hike, enjoying skiing... ME: You had me at cello

About to set up my Tinder profile. Does anyone have a fish?

Due to the tariffs, I have to watch 26 Jump Street.

When I was a kid, Minecraft was... well, it didn't exist. We had mining, and we had crafts. They were different things and not connected, other than both being childhood activities.