[blind date] HER: I love the fall ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there? ME: Can you be sure it wasn't just the planet slowing down? COP: I'm listening

Is it true that even Bluesky is at risk of censo█████?

Is anyone interested in my OnlyGrams page?

3D printing is great, but I just used my 4D printer to create a hypothetical construct of extra-spatiality. It can also kind of do Mobius strips.

Felt cube, might delete later

I accidentally 3D printed a mess of trouble.

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants? ME: There is no way PAL: Why? ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Everyone knows that "copping a feel" on the subway is absolutely atrocious behavior. However, "feeling a cop" is equally frowned upon. I know that now.

Has "Right on Right Crime" been coined yet?

Now that someone from the far right has been needlessly killed by gun violence, I'm sure they'll do nothing about it.

“Who’s this chucklefuck?” she asks. Charles le Fuck silently bristles at the informality…

You want a tradwife, fine, build me a house. Fill it with solid wood furniture you made with your own two hands. Help the mare deliver her foal in the springtime. Catch tuberculosis and make me a widow at 32

Are your kids secretly Republicans? Check their social media messages for these tell-tale signs... LMAO - Limit Minorities Around Ohio BTW - Build The Wall IRL - I Repudiate Lefties ROTFL - Rights Of The Females?: Less WTH - Withhold The Healthcare GOP - GOP OMG - Oh My Guns

"Are you gonna do anything about guns?" TRUMP: No, it's about mental health "Are you gonna do anything about mental health?" TRUMP: No

I like to take long hikes in the woods to get away from everything. Somehow become separated from the main group, forced to sleep under a tree in frigid temperatures. Get frostbite on all my extremities, become delirious, and die from exposure.

Yoko Ono implies the existence of Dua Lipa.

[2025, USA] SCIENTIST: Mr. President, we've finally discovered a way to go back in time and kill Hitler. TRUMP: I can veto that, right?

The boys are back in town, and they are Kung-fu fighting... in my yard.

[School band tryouts] ME: They say I have perfect pitch TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got *I throw a baseball right into the tuba*

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: *pretending I'm asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed* COP: Oh dang

[blind date] HER: I play cello, like to hike, enjoying skiing... ME: You had me at cello

About to set up my Tinder profile. Does anyone have a fish?

Due to the tariffs, I have to watch 26 Jump Street.

When I was a kid, Minecraft was... well, it didn't exist. We had mining, and we had crafts. They were different things and not connected, other than both being childhood activities.

me: my horse won't eat vet: ok there are several- me: I think he's a haytheist vet: me: vet: you don't even have a horse do you

Hulk Hogan implies the existence of Bruce Banner Hogan.

They should've used a shovel imo

Strip malls are not places you go to strip. I know that now.

We don't have a "Fourth of July" in Canada so see you tomorrow.

In Canada, Row vs. Wade is a fishing decision. Happy Canada Day 🇨🇦

My favourite Canadian literature is Ray Bradbury's classic "Celsius 233"

I spent 2 hours trying to tune this harp before realizing it was a chair...

GEORGE HARRISON: ♪Here comes the sun (doo da doo doo)♪... NEIL DeGRASSE TYSON: Actually, seasonal change is mainly the result of Earth's 23.5° axial tilt.

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun? ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

ME: The word "gym" comes from the Greek "gymnos," which literally means naked FITNESS CLUB MANAGER: Yeah, you're still gonna have to pull your pants up.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: I'm not sure. Over.

I'm more "disappointed" as a hatter.

I've been waiting for this... NICE!!!!!

The Loch Ness Monster isn't really a monster at all. It is, however, Scottish.

COP: We're charging you with distracted driving. ME: Oh, I wasn't distracted at all, I was eating a Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

I am so ready for tomorrow:

May the First be with you!

[blind date] HER: I'm a big country fan. ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large.

SON: Dad, when you were a kid, did Disney have a website? ME *thinking about the time I found a stopwatch in the junk drawer, and it kept me and my friends occupied for two weeks*: No

Me: can Bigfoot mate with a Yeti Google: ok one more then bedtime for real

Are your kids secretly in a Signal chat with Pete Hegseth? Check for these tell-tale messages… LMAO - Let's Make Albania Ours NSFW - Nuke San Francisco Wednesday WTH - Where's The Heineken? OMG - Order More Guns BYOB - Bring Your Own Beer LOL - Look out, Lebanon!

I can't believe it took me so long to see this!! 80085 ÷ 69 + 420 = 2025

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don't know how you do it, honey. RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

Jesus was the first guy to "Die Hard". Happy Easter, everyone.