I love my phone, it’s my soulmate, I can never be apart from it. It makes me so depressed I want to kill myself

Timothee Chalamet. So hard to photograph, but incredible to see.

My father was killed by the monster mash you son of a bitch

Hamlet, hear: whilst sleeping in my orchard, thy uncle stole with juice of cursèd hebona and in the porches of my ears did pour the leprous distilment. But! Within mine ears were mine Loop Earplugs. Thus, I dith not die! Hamlet, my son, useth code KINGOFDENMARK at checkout to secure a 10% discount,

I swear Beyoncé doing country music was the biggest recession indicator the universe could have possibly given us. And yet we refused to listen

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Just hit rock bottom (referred to the underside of a boulder as its "rock bottom" in the company of esteemed geologists)

Switching over my Halloween lawn decorations to Christmas lawn decorations (e.g. determining which skeletons look the smartest and dressing the top three like wise men)

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling "PUNCH IT" when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

Women on the internet: Men are bad Men on the internet: hey bitch, allow me to 1000% prove your point in the comments

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

Scam text: Your freaking uh.. the microwave just beeped. Retrieve your food here:

I was watching the cat hunt the shadows of birds on the wall and I was gently taunting her about Plato's cave but then she caught one of the shadows and devoured it so now what.

Unlike Disneyland, the robotic children singing to you here are only after your souls, not your money

is it eat it, it’s eat it isn’t it

Everyone wants to JOIN the revolution but nobody wants to START the revolution. It's the classic "everybody's hungry but nobody in the group is brave enough to pick a restaurant" scenario

I think the dislike button is a good idea as long as I also receive a monthly email with the name and address of everyone who disliked one of my posts

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

Still on hold with Universe Tech Support about the All-Pervasive Badness.

Hitler: Why didn't they ask about my paintings?

*At a party* STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit? ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

The funny thing about the invention of the wheel is the guy who invented it died penniless. It wasn't until much much later that pennies were invented

[slowly rising out of a nearby pumpkin] Put your hand to your chest. Feel your heartbeat? That's your ghost chipping away at its cell.

What doesn’t kill you tenderizes you, making you more succulent and delicious. For next thing that comes to kill you

I wish people would stop telling me “there’s gum in your hair,” that’s where I store my gum. The leave-in conditioner keeps it fresh. Mind your own business

honestly i would have just stop drop and rolled my way right on out of that wicker man

Stop acting like Trudeau and Katy Perry is a confusing pairing. They both have roughly the same amount of google results when you type in “their name” + “blackface”

everybody’s jealous of me since I decided to get plastic surgery to have Cuttlefish skin. they‘re resentful because I camouflage myself as a brick wall or a gorseberry bush in order to steal their croissants off their plates at cafes. I’ve never felt so beautiful

Uber should have an option where the driver doesn’t initiate conversation but they do laugh at all my jokes

One of the most jarring things about our back-to-office mandate has been discovering how many of my male coworkers have ponytails

I don’t see why reality should be allowed to affect me if I don’t want it to

Not book smart, not street smart, but a secret third kind of smart (not)

we’ll we’ll we’ll if it isn’t my old friend autocorrect

[opening instagram as soon as I wake up] let's see who I should be jealous of today

So apparently avocados are berries, but in certain places they’re referred to as “alligator pears.” As if the world wasn’t fucked up enough, now I have to deal with this

[me logging in] zoinks

Every day it’s a new thing

you are kidding yourself if you carry a flickering lantern along the winding path through the dark woods and think that the approaching thunderous hoofbeats signal the arrival of anyone other than the inimitable headless horseman

Franz kafka ruined waking up as a giant bug. now if you wake up as a bug it's automatically "kafkaesque"

Life is so hard nowadays. I yearn for the 90’s, when the worst problem facing society was businessmen neglecting their families, a problem that a simple magical curse could fix in less than a week’s time

Me: sometimes I stay up all night and I don't go to bed. It's called "bonus time". My loved ones: no it's not.

I'm not "wasting time scrolling social media." I'm gathering telemetry.

Just gonna scream into this Ziploc. Save it for later.

See, the thing about MY hubris is, it's so great, it WON'T lead to my downfall

everybody’s jealous of me since I decided to get plastic surgery to have Cuttlefish skin. they‘re resentful because I camouflage myself as a brick wall or a gorseberry bush in order to steal their croissants off their plates at cafes. I’ve never felt so beautiful

Whenever I’m feeling down I like to listen to commercials in other languages and pretend I’m on vacation

I'm feeling kinda depressed lately but I'm not sure why. Maybe if I do a mental checklist of everything going wrong in my life I'll get to the bottom of this. Wait. Oh no. Never could have anticipated this but that actually made it worse

cursed pac-man tattoo roams my flesh at night, gobbling moles and freckles, whispering "you're next, blinky" in my ear

Floating some ideas to John Nabisco on how we should kill the keebler elves with an axe

I believe that we should be afforded the same grace and dignity in death that we gave our perceived enemies in life. So when I die, you can talk SO much shit. Just roast the hell out of me