astounding to me how "make America great again" was referring to fascism and NOT classic refrigerators with lazy susan trays in them. Really missed the point with that slogan.

Terrible day for this man

(living an unexamined life) yaaaaaay haha yay wheeeeee

Hamlet, hear: whilst sleeping in my orchard, thy uncle stole with juice of cursèd hebona and in the porches of my ears did pour the leprous distilment. But! Within mine ears were mine Loop Earplugs. Thus, I dith not die! Hamlet, my son, useth code KINGOFDENMARK at checkout to secure a 10% discount,

Finally, we have created an AI that uses AI for you! Thinking is a fool's game! Instead of spending valuable masturbating time thinking of a prompt, just collapse your atrophied balloon animal body onto this big button & groan sluggishly into the mic. Hm? No, if you groan despairingly, it won't work

Now I'm not saying I'm an expert on economy money stuff or anything, but the housing market got suspiciously terrible right after we stopped putting sick ass wrap-around porches on everything

My new year’s resolution is to not be cloven in twain

Pam Beesly handing Creed Bratton a picture puzzle:

I was not expecting the Pop-it Wikipedia to be such a roller coaster.

to buy, or not to buy, that is the question:

mcdonald's manager: show the new guy the ropes me: yeah no prob *opens drawer* we use them to restrain grimace

Me: I'm going to spend some time reflecting on New Year's Day. Secret Dracula: Me too. I love reflecting and I love the day.

No offense, bro, but you’re being a detestable slithering creature right now. A snake demon of sorts

DR: are you hydrating ME: yes but my name isn't drating

i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane

[releases helium-filled heart balloon] Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird

We fled, taking shelter in a Before Times roller rink. Inside, the zombie horde slow-skating in a loop stopped and turned to look at us, collectively changing direction under the twinkling disco ball as Flock of Seagulls skipped over the PA system.

The hairdresser holds up the mirror so I can see the back of my haircut but she accidentally uses the mirror that reveals how you die. I see my 80-year-old self tumbling down a hill after slacklining for the 1st time. I never know how to react in these situations, so I just mumble "wow I love it"

Damn, Stranger Things went on for so long Millie Bobby Brown is now officially too old for Drake to be interested in her

You know in movies where they kinda wipe their hand gently over the face of a dead guy and it closes their eyes. It would be a good gag if they did that on a guy with glasses. Either his eyes close or the glasses turn into sunglasses.

They say imitation crab is the sincerest form of crab

Me, unable to post a good joke for days: I am shadow banned

Lord grant me the confidence of someone who puts “comedian” in all their social media handles after going to three open mics

it me

I think enough time has passed that I can now begin my campaign for the Choctaw Vampire Hunters from Sinners to get their own movie trilogy

Ways to enter a room, ranked: 4. Door - Boring 3. Window - Not bad, but you can do better 2. Crashing through the wall - Respectable but deriviative 1. Hacking through the floorboards with a fire axe - Now we're talking

Everyone makes fun of the third wise man for gifting myrrh. It’s old-timey A+D ointment. He brought diaper rash cream. Most relevant baby gift there.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

A Minority Report type future, where the pre-cogs identify future criminals but instead of arresting them we get them connected with social programs and supports so that they never have to become criminals in the first place

no more Big Boulet and Ltitle Boulet, now it’s Vice Principal Boulet and Guidance Counsellor Boulet. You know which one is which

you can’t tell me what to do, you’re not the wandering spirit of a girl who was murdered several centuries ago who inhabited my body to use as a vessel for vengeance against the descendants of her killers

[werner herzog voice] the dog chases and yearns for it’s own tail as the enteral spin of this furry ouroboros marches in place

Quentin Tarantino is now attacking someone he calls “the All Spice Guy,” saying he’s “the stinkiest commercial actor ever.” When asked if he meant Isaiah Mustafa, the handsome Old Spice guy, Tarantino yelled “he’s not THAT handsome!” Bystanders report he “got all red in the face” and “spat a little”

He had salt and pepper hair. And oregano eyebrows. His lips were basil leaves. His entire head was a jar of Italian seasoning

This woman owns a beachfront property lol. In the summertime she stands on her back porch scowling at the revellers in the sand like the grinch atop Mount Crumpit

Being alive right now is trying to balance “I want to stay informed” with “this is actively destroying my mental health”

has anyone else noticed that food tasted better in the past? it was mushy and easy to eat. and the spoon would come at you like an airplane

[A post appears at the top of my feed that I want to see] Instagram: oh gosh let me refresh that for you. Nothing but brand new content for our favourite user! [a post appears that causes me incalculable psychic damage] Instagram: we’re gonna leave this up here for a while. For you to enjoy forever

Step on a crack, the boys in town are back

That’s not a foundation mismatch she’s doing a casual lil‘ brownface because that’s what her boyfriend likes

[surprised cowboy voice] well hooten my nanny!!!

It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. It takes a small man to squeeze through the dog door

We all got that one homie who unleashes a swarm of evils upon the world

there's one (ONE) thing I'll say for the British Royal Family, and it's that at least they're not blowing the public's money on hair transplants

I'm going to make a horror movie set in Toronto and I'm going to name it "Shuttle Busses Running" and it's going to be the defining film of my city

Hours stretched on, the sun set, another mealtime passed without food. "Please," I wept, rolling the Monopoly dice. "I just want to go home!"

I keep explaining the difference between venom & poison to my boyfriend and he just isn't GETTING it. Venom is a type of poison delivered via a bite or sting, the difference has nothing to do with what it DOES to your body. He keeps yelling "take me to the hospital" god men just don't want to learn

great. just what I need, my tax software telling me to kill myself