my friend: are you going to art's party tonight? seems like you've got a lot going on me: I don't know, i feel like i got to since he's always at mine the medieval peasant i brought to our time on his second bag of guacamole doritos: might we stop for a second "jimmied john" me: sure man i guess

If Justin Trudeau can go to Coachella at 54 then I should be allowed to use the IKEA ball pit at 35. It’s simply the law of mathematics

Thinking about how, for a cow, a bikini top & a bikini bottom are basically the same thing

Train was 20+ minutes late and as everyone filed in, the conductor was yelling “no shoving, everyone be nice! Everyone please be nice!” Guess what country I live in

our patience has been rewarded

thinking about transmuting my belief in the resiliency of institutions into uncritical hero worship of a specific dude. might sublimate my entire political ideology into the whims of some guy

Working retail can really make you incapable of enjoying sitcoms. I've seen too many canonically broke characters wearing 3 new Anthropologie dresses every week

[the inventor of ADHD meds making their pitch] ok imagine: methamphetamine!! that you take so you can answer emails

When the kitchen in your shared workplace has a really good spoon

when I was 15 I met my friend’s mom and I said “wow you look like that lady… the one who got into a screaming fight at the park” because that had been my primary childhood exposure to Caroline Bassette Kennedy. Kelsey’s mom did not realize it was a nice compliment

HER: *puts cherry in mouth and seductively pulls out stem perfectly tied into a knot* ME: *puts hand in box of Bugles and seductively pulls out bugles perfectly balanced on each finger*

really starting to understand why that old woman left it all behind to go live in a shoe

[on my deathbed] I should have… I should have posted more. I had- [coughs] I had so many takes

Porn guy: anybody order a pizza? Extra large pepperoni sausage? *tears off shirt to reveal the biggest reddest areolas you’ve ever seen*

the barber does not own your hair. you are well within your rights to take all the clippings with you when you leave

Guess I'm just built different (vestigial tail)

I don’t know which team won the superbowl and frankly I don’t care to know. I will never find out

do you think frankenstein’s monster ever took an arm off so he could sleep more comfortably on his side

on the one hand I feel plagued with terrible writer’s block but on the other hand I think anyone for whom jokes are currently flowing like wine should be treated VERY suspiciously

What’s your favourite Grown-Up Board Meeting word, mine is “modality”

astounding to me how "make America great again" was referring to fascism and NOT classic refrigerators with lazy susan trays in them. Really missed the point with that slogan.

Terrible day for this man

Hamlet, hear: whilst sleeping in my orchard, thy uncle stole with juice of cursèd hebona and in the porches of my ears did pour the leprous distilment. But! Within mine ears were mine Loop Earplugs. Thus, I dith not die! Hamlet, my son, useth code KINGOFDENMARK at checkout to secure a 10% discount,

Finally, we have created an AI that uses AI for you! Thinking is a fool's game! Instead of spending valuable masturbating time thinking of a prompt, just collapse your atrophied balloon animal body onto this big button & groan sluggishly into the mic. Hm? No, if you groan despairingly, it won't work

Now I'm not saying I'm an expert on economy money stuff or anything, but the housing market got suspiciously terrible right after we stopped putting sick ass wrap-around porches on everything

My new year’s resolution is to not be cloven in twain

Pam Beesly handing Creed Bratton a picture puzzle:

I was not expecting the Pop-it Wikipedia to be such a roller coaster.

to buy, or not to buy, that is the question:

mcdonald's manager: show the new guy the ropes me: yeah no prob *opens drawer* we use them to restrain grimace

Me: I'm going to spend some time reflecting on New Year's Day. Secret Dracula: Me too. I love reflecting and I love the day.

No offense, bro, but you’re being a detestable slithering creature right now. A snake demon of sorts

DR: are you hydrating ME: yes but my name isn't drating

i’m not seeing here in the constitution where it says every single day must be insane

[releases helium-filled heart balloon] Me: You're free now Balloon: Ima choke a bird

We fled, taking shelter in a Before Times roller rink. Inside, the zombie horde slow-skating in a loop stopped and turned to look at us, collectively changing direction under the twinkling disco ball as Flock of Seagulls skipped over the PA system.

The hairdresser holds up the mirror so I can see the back of my haircut but she accidentally uses the mirror that reveals how you die. I see my 80-year-old self tumbling down a hill after slacklining for the 1st time. I never know how to react in these situations, so I just mumble "wow I love it"

Damn, Stranger Things went on for so long Millie Bobby Brown is now officially too old for Drake to be interested in her

You know in movies where they kinda wipe their hand gently over the face of a dead guy and it closes their eyes. It would be a good gag if they did that on a guy with glasses. Either his eyes close or the glasses turn into sunglasses.

They say imitation crab is the sincerest form of crab

Me, unable to post a good joke for days: I am shadow banned

Lord grant me the confidence of someone who puts “comedian” in all their social media handles after going to three open mics

it me

I think enough time has passed that I can now begin my campaign for the Choctaw Vampire Hunters from Sinners to get their own movie trilogy

Ways to enter a room, ranked: 4. Door - Boring 3. Window - Not bad, but you can do better 2. Crashing through the wall - Respectable but deriviative 1. Hacking through the floorboards with a fire axe - Now we're talking

Everyone makes fun of the third wise man for gifting myrrh. It’s old-timey A+D ointment. He brought diaper rash cream. Most relevant baby gift there.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

A Minority Report type future, where the pre-cogs identify future criminals but instead of arresting them we get them connected with social programs and supports so that they never have to become criminals in the first place