"To the graduating class of 2026, in order to succeed you must embrace a future in which your bodies are pulverized into a slurry that will be used to cool our thinking machines. Only then will you know happiness." (flipping through note cards) "Ok, what else, what else..."

"To the graduating class of 2026, in order to succeed you must embrace a future in which your bodies are pulverized into a slurry that will be used to cool our thinking machines. Only then will you know happiness." (flipping through note cards) "Ok, what else, what else..."

I ORDER MY COFFEE BLACK. NO SUGAR. NO MILK. NO WATER. NO CUP. THEY HAND ME THE BEANS. I EAT THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE. THE BARISTAS HAVE STOPPED CHARGING ME. I HAVE NOT SLEPT SINCE TUESDAY. I CAN HEAR THE WIFI

My favorite reddit posts are some guy saying "I found this in my wife's car and I'm concerned, does anyone know what this is?" and it's a picture of a leaf or something

I saw a video of a guy watching Episode 3 with his young daughter and trying to elicit an over the top reaction out of her about Anakin becoming Darth Vader and she didn't really give a shit and it was great

So quiet under my breath that you can barely hear me while Chuck D is in the room: “I dunno I think there’s some good stuff on Channel Zero”

This is the funniest question i've ever seen

They got dented cans of gas at Wawa, save a few bucks

Prime with ads. Just how Kubrick intended.

Five dollars? get outta here...

My job is forcing me to use AI and within 10 minutes it convinced me that I was Viewtiful Joe

Tony | Official Trailer HD | A24 "Tony, you can't compare this preparation of duck à l'orange to a Cramps album! The world isn't ready for it!" The music cuts out. Close up of Anthony Bourdain's eyes. "Watch me."

Wait they made a movie of Star Wars? I’ll have to check it out (also this was my father’s, I’ve never seen him read a single book including this one)

ive watched this part like a dozen times now

Oh my god

I can’t afford the fancy AI apps so instead I’ve fallen in love with Google Authenticator

What more does this man have to do before his mind can be described as "twisted"

My job is hosting an art therapy class to make sure we don't all kill ourselves after another round of layoffs and my art is looking like this

a good name for a horse would be Kris Klipclopperston

Tonight... Bobo honks back

i shoplift because i know the pope still ain't gonna do shit about it

Dumping 450 movies from the criterion closet into a shopping cart supermarket sweep style. "These movies are very important to me because they're about tragedy and loss probably"

They’re 3 years old today

Playing Conflict DLC, cats going crazy

Quick question why do the Dinosaurs performers look like Pavement?

The first edition of the podcast’s phone swapping game was a real hit. @demilardner.bsky.social

FBI Agent: Hey, boss. Kash Patel: Kash Patel

Maybe Kash Patel is trapped in a Dougie Jones situation but he discovered a taste for liquor and cigars instead of coffee and merriment ever think of that?

Rest in peace Tim Cook, you taught me that computers could be phone

A joyous holiday to you and yours youtu.be/HKDo-aX4XuI?...

Brooklyn Paramount was lit up real good last night

I like that there’s an announcement on the subway that’s like “it’s illegal to kill someone on the subway.” Good reminder

"NINE INCH NOIZE" THE NEW ALBUM FROM NINE INCH NAILS OUT NOW nineinchnails.lnk.to/NineInchNoize

Ah fuck my rate limited exceeded. Ah goddamit.

My friend Slopsink called this "taking a bunch of drugs"

That's too many albums Billy!

I’m sorry but the rest of your life is going to be spent finding out about some new weird annoying guy, and then finding out he died

Nardwuar hands me a polaroid of a closed coffin. "What is... is that me?" He's doing that face to the camera. "Is that me Nardwuar?"

Blothar The Berserker Of GWAR Explains How Independent Journalism Is The Only Force As Powerful As GWAR. Subscribe to The Onion at membership.theonion.com.

Our very stupid and annoying "Pope" is at it again. He should drive his dumb little car up his own fucking ass. Fuck you! - The President

POPE, or as many call him, BAD POPE

Cmere, follow me, I'm gonna show you something cool (crawls under the stairs and dies)

My daughter came home from school and asked me a bunch of questions about Michael Jackson. I was wondering what kind of six-year-old would be at school talking up Michael Jackson's catalog and then I remembered that my kid probably knows way more about Smash TV than the average six-year-old.

In honor of our first lady during this troubling time, tonight my family and I will be watching Melania 2026 2160p AMZN WEB-DL Hybrid H265 DV HDR10 DDP 5 1 English-HONE

kfc in my small town has started halving their chicken breasts and selling it as a 2-piece. Multiple people have brought this up to me in the past week. It is quite literally the talk of the town. Someone called into the radio station about it and said it should be burned down with the owner inside

Sorry, this is my cue to share some of the alt names the Night Vale tour came up with: Bust and Bounce Achieve and Leave Ejaculate and Evacuate

(Kicks down the door of my own apartment)