(Kate Beckinsale vampire voice) for centuries a war has raged between sports and weather

I’m pleased to announce that today is the 10th anniversary of Mr. G getting absolutely BODIED by a PIX11 sports reporter over the number of days until Christmas. Are there 48 days until Christmas? We may never know.

70's style variety show with singers and dancers and jugglers and the Harlem Globetrotters. For the grand finale the lights go out, there's a 30 second drumroll, a spotlight illuminates Alan Dershowitz, and he blows his fucking brains out on live TV.

Pile of Dogshit endorses Puddle of Puke

Alternate side of the street parking is Sharia law

COSTUME 2: GUY ON YOUR BLOCK WHO DONT KNOW BOUT NO "HALLOWEEN", HE JUST GOT OFF WORK

Actually if you sing short dick man in the monster mash voice it becomes kind of fun

FedEx truck outside was just BLASTING Gillette's "Short Dick Man" and I really hope someone on my block was getting a package from HIMS

For just $20,000 you can be murdered in your sleep by Aphex Twin's android son

You must eat the technicolor eraserhead baby every 3 miles

that’s right beg you miserable worm

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Lol

Warfighter Loretta is ready for battle, we love you

*freak on a leash intro* sittin on the dock of the bay

"Remember that cat food you ordered and received 3 days ago?" asks Gmail's AI. "It's coming tomorrow." The fabric of reality unravels around me. I am the cat food. I arrived a thousand years ago and never.

So close

My always-online murphy bed went haywire when AWS went down and long story short I'm now sealed in the wall like The Cask of Amontillado

[kool keith voice] i eliminated 85% of microplastics from my ejaculate

Should have just gotten Calvin pissing on the totenkopf

Darth Plagueis, have you ever heard of him? PLAGUEIS THE WISE many call him. And some, maybe, are saying now that he's not so wise.

Help tara make this film please! It’s very good. I’m going to be in it, by the way. That’s right, it’s my Hollywood debut. This is about me now. Thank you please donate here: seedandspark.com/fund/girlie

The only tattoo you should get when you show up to the shop drunk

You need a sixth guy

Until then: github.com/nurupo/vlc-p... But yes, it should have been fixed years ago.

Instead of spending billions of dollars on AI we could give a VLC developer a couple thousand bucks to add the ability to pause when you click on the window

youve been hit by, you’ve been struck by, an on duty police officer

Best sign I saw today

Driving around, listening to a Redman playlist, minding my own business and I get fucking BLINDSIDED by this trash. Nearly drove into a ditch

"If the statue of liberty was brought to life after being, let's say, coated with gallons of slime and then fed positive energy via a recording of Howard Huntsberry's cover of 'Higher and Higher,' is that something you'd be ok with?" Zohran Mamdani: I'd be focused on running the city, but yes.

(breaking the silence on the ride home from the in-laws) How was I supposed to know your father was a victim of the Crank Yankers?

cop in The Wicker Man (leaving unharmed because he slept with that hot blonde): what a strange, sexy island

Gargoyle mode engaged

I take care of the place while the master is in California

TORGO, you have failed us TORGO, go get their bags TORGO

look at these boys

(comforting a kid at their dad's funeral) you know, your daddy always told me he wished he was dead (kid starts crying) he's uhh he's not though. he's fine. i saw him at the gas station. mommy told a lie

Just kick it under the fridge

I just pulled this out of me is that ok

Unboxer_Larry72 here. Before everyone gets mad at me for unboxing a vintage Peter Venkman action figure live on stage in Riyadh next month, please understand that I was paid 320 million dollars

Fell asleep while eating a sub in my medbed and my body has undergone a transformation that can only be described as "Mike's Way"