Several Onions
@amusitr0n.bsky.social
📤 515
📥 88
📝 194
fart sounds
sometimes I see a beautiful woman and I’m like, that there is a beautiful woman. sometimes I see a handsome man and I’m like, bet he can’t even do any spin kicks
3 days ago
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it’s never a bad time to get trampled by some elk
3 days ago
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Lisa needs braces, anal glands
7 days ago
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I’ve got two tickets to paradise *Eddie Money’s two children look at each other anxiously*
9 days ago
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I may not be a mythical creature but I do enjoy lurking among pillars within the catacombs
13 days ago
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it’s cute how in Autumn leaves just invite themselves inside like what’s up there any beers in this joint ahah just kidding sweep me back outside whenever you want or whatever
15 days ago
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the fuck you even doin if your distinctions don’t be dubious
15 days ago
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sure wings are great but have you ever tried eating a pound of xiphoid processes?
19 days ago
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there’s not much better than hitting some old folks on a golf course with a “hail satan”
23 days ago
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(extremely Mark Knopfler voice) money for pumpkins
about 1 month ago
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there’s something abjectly pitiful about a broken down escalator. look at you, you pathetic metal heap. you used to think you were better than stairs
about 1 month ago
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hate how my iPhone tries to finish my sentences maybe I’m giddy with diarrhea you don’t know
about 2 months ago
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if you put me in a medieval battlefield I’d probably get nervous, eat too much mutton and die from being sluggish
about 2 months ago
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(Pulling down a box half-filled with broken picture frames, followed by a bundle of loose coat hangers) Jesus, who loaded this baked potato?
about 2 months ago
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There’s a sign on a telephone pole along a country road to my parents’ house that says Repent or Perish Time is Running Out. Thing is this sign has been up there for 30 years. They’ve replaced it at least once. I chose perish years ago.
about 2 months ago
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the winner of the annual pumpkin contest uses a chain saw to cut open the swollen orange behemoth. surprise, shock. inside sits a tiny, delicate man tapping on a typewriter. on the page, two words: ball honkey
2 months ago
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one time I was in a hurry and to be honest I don’t recommend it
3 months ago
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ain’t enough babies named Horace out there. when we bringin Horace back?
3 months ago
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sure I’ll sell ya smokes but they’re $30 and they have a high resolution photo of a ripped open butt hole on the pack
3 months ago
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every office building should have an old man who wanders the hallways silently, carrying a bucket full of bones
3 months ago
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Amy would be an excellent name for a sniper
3 months ago
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Might fuck around and disrespect Menelaus
3 months ago
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my dad’s drug talk was a story about how one time he ate amanita muscaria and everything, from the knots in the kitchen cupboards to the bushes outside, transformed into cats
3 months ago
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Me: when you go to a doctor do they prescribe leeches and a poultice? No, because we have advanced as a civilization. Office manager: I’m very sorry but a Keurig machine that dispenses cheese simply doesn’t exist
3 months ago
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well hon I just think “your dad invented a way to convert piss to gasoline and the oil companies disappeared him” has a better ring to it than “daddy got convicted of a massive eel fraud and is doing 6-10 years”
3 months ago
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If you meet a guy whose nickname is Trout you bet your ass he can fight
3 months ago
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I bet there’s a lot of seagull feathers at the dump
3 months ago
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They say a dog’s barking up the wrong tree but maybe it’s not about the squirrel. Maybe dogs are mad as hell at the trees for providing them shelter
3 months ago
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Super swole squirrels absolutely wreaking havoc at the nut bar
4 months ago
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sometimes you gotta let em know
4 months ago
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Well son, there’s a lot similar between dreamin and fartin. Cant see em, they linger in the edges of perception, try and control em they’ll disappear godknowswhere, and I confide my darkest, most serious dreams to yer ma
4 months ago
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I lean around the corner in the shadows and throw a few bottles of expired dog pills into an abandoned house. A silent moment gives way to fervent scurrying and the clicking sounds of child safety locks. “We found him. Dad’s in there”
4 months ago
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no farm no howl
4 months ago
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the police dive team gathered around quickly tapping their spoons before pouring my bloated corpse out a Kia Soul onto a tarp
4 months ago
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the police bust into my house and I’m wearing a big yellow blanket and using an office chair to pretend I’m waddling around like a duckling
4 months ago
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Imagine going into medieval battle with a Joey Chestnut type of guy and you slice him open and 80 hot dogs come pouring out
4 months ago
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showing up to a public pool and asking the life guard if there’s a bag limit on trout
4 months ago
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a serial killer movie where the villain is really into soup and the victims are only alerted of his presence when they smell the delicious aroma of home made broth
4 months ago
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oh nothing much just staring wistfully into the Arby’s swamp
4 months ago
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if you’re sweaty in public and you pass another sweaty person it should be like motorcycle culture where you give each other a little wave
4 months ago
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Zyns in the urinal and I won’t go
4 months ago
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Every time a new Jurassic Park movie comes out I’m reminded of this guy I met in university who used to do pencil drawings of dinosaurs in which the dino itself was pretty basic, what you would expect a 15 year old to draw, but they all had giant, incredibly detailed, realistic human penises
5 months ago
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Behind a camo tarp, I pick up three HDMI cords and start untangling them. Suddenly, three IT guys come running out of the bushes and my drunk uncle Gary shoots one of them in the shoulder with a shotgun.
5 months ago
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why do all these electric vehicles sound like they’re about to ask me is this just real life or is this just fantasy?
5 months ago
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spelunking is stupid. yeah sure imma squeeze into this manky old pit perhaps never to return
5 months ago
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Let out a huge sigh and said “I am the mighty bean!” twice in the work bathroom only to notice a pair of feet under one of the stalls
5 months ago
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My new band Halitosis had an album release party and nobody came. All my promoted ads are for Listerine and chewing gum. Wife keeps mentioning a guy named Brad who she works with. Calls him B Rad.
5 months ago
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The Romans really missed out by not having a pasta equivalent to the Aztec death whistle
5 months ago
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The headlines warned of a secret death cult that worships a shimmering canine deity, but who has time for death dog cults anyway? There are real people problems like traffic an- ah is that an iridescent paw print on my car door?
5 months ago
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due to a factory misprint I’m the only one in this parking garage driving a Ford Banger
5 months ago
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