sometimes I see a beautiful woman and I’m like, that there is a beautiful woman. sometimes I see a handsome man and I’m like, bet he can’t even do any spin kicks

it’s never a bad time to get trampled by some elk

Lisa needs braces, anal glands

I’ve got two tickets to paradise *Eddie Money’s two children look at each other anxiously*

I may not be a mythical creature but I do enjoy lurking among pillars within the catacombs

it’s cute how in Autumn leaves just invite themselves inside like what’s up there any beers in this joint ahah just kidding sweep me back outside whenever you want or whatever

the fuck you even doin if your distinctions don’t be dubious

sure wings are great but have you ever tried eating a pound of xiphoid processes?

there’s not much better than hitting some old folks on a golf course with a “hail satan”

(extremely Mark Knopfler voice) money for pumpkins

there’s something abjectly pitiful about a broken down escalator. look at you, you pathetic metal heap. you used to think you were better than stairs

hate how my iPhone tries to finish my sentences maybe I’m giddy with diarrhea you don’t know

if you put me in a medieval battlefield I’d probably get nervous, eat too much mutton and die from being sluggish

(Pulling down a box half-filled with broken picture frames, followed by a bundle of loose coat hangers) Jesus, who loaded this baked potato?

There’s a sign on a telephone pole along a country road to my parents’ house that says Repent or Perish Time is Running Out. Thing is this sign has been up there for 30 years. They’ve replaced it at least once. I chose perish years ago.

the winner of the annual pumpkin contest uses a chain saw to cut open the swollen orange behemoth. surprise, shock. inside sits a tiny, delicate man tapping on a typewriter. on the page, two words: ball honkey

one time I was in a hurry and to be honest I don’t recommend it

ain’t enough babies named Horace out there. when we bringin Horace back?

sure I’ll sell ya smokes but they’re $30 and they have a high resolution photo of a ripped open butt hole on the pack

every office building should have an old man who wanders the hallways silently, carrying a bucket full of bones

Amy would be an excellent name for a sniper

Might fuck around and disrespect Menelaus

my dad’s drug talk was a story about how one time he ate amanita muscaria and everything, from the knots in the kitchen cupboards to the bushes outside, transformed into cats

Me: when you go to a doctor do they prescribe leeches and a poultice? No, because we have advanced as a civilization. Office manager: I’m very sorry but a Keurig machine that dispenses cheese simply doesn’t exist

well hon I just think “your dad invented a way to convert piss to gasoline and the oil companies disappeared him” has a better ring to it than “daddy got convicted of a massive eel fraud and is doing 6-10 years”

If you meet a guy whose nickname is Trout you bet your ass he can fight

I bet there’s a lot of seagull feathers at the dump

They say a dog’s barking up the wrong tree but maybe it’s not about the squirrel. Maybe dogs are mad as hell at the trees for providing them shelter

Super swole squirrels absolutely wreaking havoc at the nut bar

sometimes you gotta let em know

Well son, there’s a lot similar between dreamin and fartin. Cant see em, they linger in the edges of perception, try and control em they’ll disappear godknowswhere, and I confide my darkest, most serious dreams to yer ma

I lean around the corner in the shadows and throw a few bottles of expired dog pills into an abandoned house. A silent moment gives way to fervent scurrying and the clicking sounds of child safety locks. “We found him. Dad’s in there”

no farm no howl

the police dive team gathered around quickly tapping their spoons before pouring my bloated corpse out a Kia Soul onto a tarp

the police bust into my house and I’m wearing a big yellow blanket and using an office chair to pretend I’m waddling around like a duckling

Imagine going into medieval battle with a Joey Chestnut type of guy and you slice him open and 80 hot dogs come pouring out

showing up to a public pool and asking the life guard if there’s a bag limit on trout

a serial killer movie where the villain is really into soup and the victims are only alerted of his presence when they smell the delicious aroma of home made broth

oh nothing much just staring wistfully into the Arby’s swamp

if you’re sweaty in public and you pass another sweaty person it should be like motorcycle culture where you give each other a little wave

Zyns in the urinal and I won’t go

Every time a new Jurassic Park movie comes out I’m reminded of this guy I met in university who used to do pencil drawings of dinosaurs in which the dino itself was pretty basic, what you would expect a 15 year old to draw, but they all had giant, incredibly detailed, realistic human penises

Behind a camo tarp, I pick up three HDMI cords and start untangling them. Suddenly, three IT guys come running out of the bushes and my drunk uncle Gary shoots one of them in the shoulder with a shotgun.

why do all these electric vehicles sound like they’re about to ask me is this just real life or is this just fantasy?

spelunking is stupid. yeah sure imma squeeze into this manky old pit perhaps never to return

Let out a huge sigh and said “I am the mighty bean!” twice in the work bathroom only to notice a pair of feet under one of the stalls

My new band Halitosis had an album release party and nobody came. All my promoted ads are for Listerine and chewing gum. Wife keeps mentioning a guy named Brad who she works with. Calls him B Rad.

The Romans really missed out by not having a pasta equivalent to the Aztec death whistle

The headlines warned of a secret death cult that worships a shimmering canine deity, but who has time for death dog cults anyway? There are real people problems like traffic an- ah is that an iridescent paw print on my car door?

due to a factory misprint I’m the only one in this parking garage driving a Ford Banger