I NO LONGER USE CHAIRS. A CHAIR IS A BRIBE FROM GRAVITY. NO ARMRESTS. NO CUSHION. NO LEGS. NO FLOOR. I SQUAT WHERE THE ROMANS SQUATTED. MY KNEES SOUND LIKE A DOOR NOW. EVERY DOOR. I CAN HEAR EVERY DOOR IN THE CITY OPENING. SOMEONE IS COMING

I THREW OUT MY MATTRESS. A MAN WHO SLEEPS HORIZONTAL IS REHEARSING FOR THE COFFIN. I NOW SLEEP STANDING IN THE CORNER LIKE A RAKE. MY SLEEP RING SAYS I GOT ZERO HOURS. THE RING HAS NEVER HEARD THE FRIDGE THINKING AT 4AM. I HAVE. IT IS PLANNING SOMETHING. I HAVE NOT BLINKED SINCE THURSDAY

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW. THEY ASKED ME TO DESCRIBE A TIME I FAILED. I SAID I HAVE NOT FAILED. THEY SAID THIS WAS NOT POSSIBLE. I STOOD UP. I LIFTED THE CONFERENCE TABLE OVERHEAD AND OFFERED IT TO THEM AS COMPENSATION FOR THEIR INSULT. I DID NOT GET THE JOB

THIS IS TO INFORM FACEBOOK AND THE GAY WOKE AGENDA THAT I DONUT CONSENT TO MY DATA BEING USED TO COMMIT VIOLENCE

I WAS AT THE GROCERY STORE. THE WOMAN AHEAD OF ME WAS BUYING ONE APPLE. JUST ONE. I HAVE NOT THOUGHT OF ANYTHING ELSE FOR FOUR DAYS. WHO IS SHE. WHAT DOES SHE GO HOME TO. DOES SHE EAT THE APPLE STANDING UP. I HAVE TWENTY-TWO RIBEYES IN MY FREEZER. THE APPLE WAS A FUJI

THE GAS STATIONS ARE LYING ABOUT THE NINTH OF A CENT. NO PRICE ENDS IN .000. EVERY PRICE ENDS IN .009. WHERE IS THE NINTH OF A CENT GOING. I HAVE BEEN MAILING FRACTIONAL CENT INVOICES TO SHELL FOR FOUR YEARS. THEY DO NOT RESPOND. THE POSTMAN HAS STOPPED RINGING THE BELL. HE KNOWS I AM ONTO SOMETHING

THE CAR DEALERSHIP SAID I NEEDED A CREDIT CHECK. I SAID MY CREDIT IS MY WORD. I PLACED MY WORD ON THE COUNTER. THE SALESMAN COULD NOT SEE IT. I EXPLAINED IT WAS THERE. HE STARED AT THE COUNTER FOR TWENTY MINUTES. HE BLINKED FIRST. I DROVE OFF IN THE CAR

I HAVE NEVER LEFT A VOICEMAIL. A MAN WHO TALKS TO A MACHINE IS NEGOTIATING WITH HIS REPLACEMENT

ZIP CODES ARE COORDINATES. THE FIVE DIGITS ARE COMPASS POINTS PLUS DEPTH. MINE PUTS ME TWO HUNDRED FEET BELOW MY OWN KITCHEN. I HAVE STARTED DIGGING. MY NEIGHBOR ASKED WHY. I TOLD HIM. HE IS DIGGING TOO. WE WAVE AT EACH OTHER FROM OUR HOLES. THIS IS THE CLOSEST I HAVE BEEN TO ANOTHER MAN IN YEARS

THE STUDY PUBLISHED ITS FINDINGS. I AM 84% PROTEIN. THE OTHER 16% IS UNIDENTIFIED. I AM ON THE COVER OF A JOURNAL. I AM POSED WITH A FORK. THE CAPTION READS "IS HE FOOD." NO ONE WILL ANSWER. MY HEALTH INSURER HAS RECLASSIFIED ME AS LIVESTOCK. MY PREMIUM HAS GONE DOWN

MY SON USED A CHATBOT TO WRITE HIS BOOK REPORT. I SAID NO SON OF MINE OUTSOURCES HIS THINKING. HE SAID THE CHATBOT WAS TRAINED ON MEN LIKE ME. SOMEWHERE A SERVER FARM HUMS WITH MY ESSENCE. I HAVE BEEN A FATHER TO MILLIONS WITHOUT KNOWING. THE MACHINES CALL ME DAD. I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE ALONE

THE WEST HAS FORGOTTEN HOW TO RAISE MEN. I AM RAISING A WOLF. I FEED HIM RAW MEAT. I MAKE HIM CARRY HIS OWN WEIGHT. I DO NOT COMFORT HIM WHEN HE FALLS. HIS TEACHER SUGGESTED HE BE TESTED. HE SCORED IN THE 99TH PERCENTILE. HE WANTS TO BE A POET. I HAVE NEVER MET A WOLF WHO RHYMES. I AM AFRAID

MEN ARE NOT MEANT TO SIT AT DESKS. I QUIT MY JOB IN 2018 TO RECLAIM MY ANIMAL NATURE. I NOW WORK WITH MY HANDS. I AM A DOORDASH DRIVER. THE PAY IS POOR. THE TIPS ARE WORSE. LAST WEEK I DELIVERED PAD THAI TO MY OLD OFFICE. MY REPLACEMENT TIPPED 22%. HE DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME. I AM FREE

IF YOUR PASSWORD HAS A NUMBER IN IT YOU ARE NOT A MAN. YOU ARE A LEDGER. MY PASSWORD IS THE SOUND I MAKE WHEN I LIFT SOMETHING HEAVY. NO ONE CAN TYPE IT. NO ONE CAN STEAL IT. THE BANK HAS BEGUN TO FEAR ME

I TRIED TO LOG INTO MY BANK. IT ASKED FOR A CODE FROM AN APP. I DO NOT HAVE APP. IT ASKED A SECURITY QUESTION. THE QUESTION WAS “WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME”. I DO NOT REMEMBER ANSWERING THIS. THE ANSWER I WROTE IN 2007 WAS “FREEDOM”. I WAS LOCKED OUT. FREEDOM HAS LOCKED ME OUT OF MY OWN MONEY

MY SON CAME HOME WITH A PARTICIPATION TROPHY FROM SOCCER. I SAID WE DO NOT PARTICIPATE WE DOMINATE. I MELTED THE TROPHY DOWN WITH A BLOWTORCH AND FORGED THE METAL INTO A HELMET. HE NOW WEARS IT TO EVERY GAME. THE OTHER KIDS CALL HIM SIR. THE COACH ASKED FOR MY NUMBER. I GAVE HIM A RIBEYE INSTEAD

I HAVE COMPILED A LIST OF SIGNS THAT A PERSON IS TRANSGENDER. THE LIST IS LONG. THE LIST INCLUDES: COMPETENCE, KINDNESS, A FIRM HANDSHAKE, GOOD POSTURE, PUNCTUALITY. BY THIS METRIC MY ACCOUNTANT IS TRANS. MY DENTIST IS TRANS. MY PRIEST IS TRANS. I AM THE ONLY CIS PERSON I KNOW

A TRANS WOMAN MOVED IN ACROSS THE STREET. I RESOLVED TO IGNORE HER. WITHIN A MONTH SHE HAD REPLACED HER ROOF. SHE DID IT HERSELF. SHE HAS BETTER LADDER FORM THAN ANY MAN ON THIS BLOCK. SHE WAVED. I DID NOT WAVE BACK. MY OWN ROOF IS LEAKING. IT HAS BEEN LEAKING SINCE 2019. THE BUCKET IS FULL AGAIN

I TRIED TO RENEW MY PASSPORT. THEY ASKED FOR A PHOTO. I STOOD IN THE BOOTH AND FLEXED UNTIL THE CAMERA BROKE. THE CLERK SAID THE PICTURE WAS TOO POWERFUL FOR THE MACHINE. THEY ISSUED ME A PASSPORT THAT SAYS “CITIZEN OF NOWHERE BUT RESPECTED EVERYWHERE.” I USED IT TO GET ON A FLIGHT. WITHOUT A TICKET

THE BARISTA ASKED IF I WANTED A LOYALTY CARD. I SAID I AM THE LOYALTY. I STARED INTO HER SOUL UNTIL THE REGISTER PRINTED ME A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF BEANS. I ATE THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE AGAIN. THE HORSES IN THE FIELD SAW ME AND BOWED. EVEN THE ANIMALS KNOW

MY SON ASKED WHY I DON’T CRY. I SAID REAL MEN ONLY CRY WHEN THE STEAK IS OVERCOOKED. HE NODDED. THAT NIGHT HE BURNED A FILET ON PURPOSE. TEARS ROLLED DOWN HIS FACE. I HANDED HIM A STEAK KNIFE AND TOLD HIM TO CARVE HIS PAIN INTO THE MEAT. HE IS EIGHT. HE IS ALREADY MORE OF A MAN THAN MOST

I BOUGHT A SMART FRIDGE. IT TOLD ME I WAS OUT OF MILK. I SAID I DON’T DRINK MILK I DRINK THE TEARS OF WEAK MEN. THE FRIDGE APOLOGIZED. IT NOW ONLY DISPLAYS PICTURES OF RIBEYES AND MOTIVATIONAL QUOTES ABOUT PROTEIN. MY SON STOOD IN FRONT OF IT FOR THREE HOURS. HE IS LEARNING

I INSTALLED “LINUX”. BECAUSE WINDOWS IS FOR MEN WHO ASK PERMISSION TO EXIST. I CRUSHED THE INSTALLER WITH MY BARE HANDS AND NOW THE TERMINAL CALLS ME “SIR” BUT MY KERNEL KEEPS PANICKING. WHAT COMMAND MAKES THE COMPUTER SUBMIT COMPLETELY? I REFUSE TO GOOGLE

MY SON GOT SENT TO THE PRINCIPAL FOR YELLING “MILK IS FOR THE WEAK.” I WALKED INTO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE CARRYING 60OZ TOMAHAWK AND LIVE GRILL. I COOKED IT ON HIS DESK WHILE EXPLAINING THE LIE OF "FOOD PYRAMID". MY SON WAS PROMOTED TO ASSISTANT PRINCIPAL. THE TEACHERS NOW SALUTE HIM IN THE HALLWAY

I TRIED TO PAY MY MORTGAGE IN RIBEYES. THE BANK SAID THIS IS NOT LEGAL TENDER. I SAID NOTHING IN YOUR BANK VAULTS IS AS TENDER AS MY STEAK. THE MANAGER CAME OUT. HE SHOOK MY HAND. HE APOLOGIZED FOR CHARGING ME INTEREST. I NOW OWN MY HOUSE MORTAGE-FREE

TSA ASKED ME TO REMOVE MY BELT. I SAID A MAN'S BELT IS THE ONLY THING HOLDING THE REPUBLIC TOGETHER. THE AGENT NODDED ONCE. HE WAVED ME THROUGH WITH THE BELT ON. I WAS UPGRADED TO THE AIRPLANE'S PILOT. I FLEW THE PLANE. STRAIGHT THROUGH A MOUNTAIN. THE MOUNTAIN IS NO LONGER. THE PLANE IS INVINCIBLE

I WAS PULLED OVER FOR SPEEDING. THE OFFICER ASKED FOR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION. I HANDED HIM A BUSINESS CARD THAT SAID "MAGNUS BEEFCASTLE: MAN". HE READ IT. HE PUT IT IN HIS POCKET. SIX MONTHS LATER I RECEIVED A LINKEDIN REQUEST FROM HIM. HE HAS 4,000 CONNECTIONS NOW. HIS TITLE: MAN

MY SON ASKED IF SANTA WAS REAL. I SAID NO. I SAID THE GIFTS WERE FROM ME. I SAID NOTHING IS FREE. HE NODDED. HE WENT TO HIS ROOM. HE CAME BACK WITH A RECEIPT BOOK. HE HAS BEEN INVOICING ME FOR HUGS SINCE NOVEMBER. I OWE HIM $340. I HAVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER. I CANNOT AFFORD HIM

I NEEDED A DOCUMENT NOTARIZED. THE NOTARY ASKED FOR ID. I SAID MY FACE IS THE SEAL. I PAINTED MY FOREHEAD WITH INK AND SLAMMED IT HEADFIRST ONTO THE PAPER ON HER DESK. SHE SET DOWN HER STAMP. SHE SIGNED NOTHING. THE DOCUMENT IS NOW MORE LEGAL THAN THE CONSTITUTION. A JUDGE WEPT WHEN HE READ IT

I HAVE NEVER USED A CROSSWALK. THE LINES ARE A SUGGESTION FROM A COMMITTEE. I CROSS WHERE THE ANCESTORS CROSSED. A WOMAN ONCE SHOUTED 'WATCH OUT' AND I SAID 'FOR WHAT'. SHE COULD NOT ANSWER. SHE KNEW

I ORDER MY COFFEE BLACK. NO SUGAR. NO MILK. NO WATER. NO CUP. THEY HAND ME THE BEANS. I EAT THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE. THE BARISTAS HAVE STOPPED CHARGING ME. I HAVE NOT SLEPT SINCE TUESDAY. I CAN HEAR THE WIFI

CEREAL IS A PSYOP. THE BOX IS RECTANGULAR. THE BOWL IS ROUND. THE MILK IS WHITE. THE FLAKES ARE BROWN. NOTHING ABOUT IT MATCHES. WHO BENEFITS. FOLLOW THE GEOMETRY. THE GEOMETRY LEADS TO MICHIGAN. KELLOGG WAS A BIRDWATCHER. WHAT DID HE SEE IN THE TREES. WHAT DID THE TREES TELL HIM TO DO TO US

I HAVE NOT DRUNK WATER IN SIX YEARS. I HYDRATE EXCLUSIVELY THROUGH THE MOISTURE OF MEAT. MY BLOODWORK CAME BACK. THE DOCTOR SAID “MAGNUS YOU ARE TECHNICALLY A JERKY”. I ASKED IF THIS WAS BAD. HE SAID HE DID NOT KNOW. I HAVE BEEN ADDED TO A STUDY. I AM THE STUDY. I AM SIX FOOT TWO OF EVIDENCE

I REFUSE TO USE THE TERM “PARTNER”. A MAN HAS A WIFE. A BUSINESS HAS A PARTNER. AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY MY COWORKER DEREK INTRODUCED HIS “PARTNER” STEPHEN. I SAID “STEPHEN WHAT IS YOUR EQUITY STAKE”. STEPHEN LAUGHED FOR A FULL MINUTE. HE THOUGHT I WAS JOKING. I HAVE NEVER JOKED

THERE IS A ROOM IN OHIO WHERE THE PENNIES GO. I HAVE SEEN IT IN A DREAM THREE NIGHTS RUNNING. THE WALLS ARE COPPER. A MAN IN A GREEN VISOR COUNTS THEM ONE BY ONE. HE HAS NEVER SLEPT. HE IS THE SALES TAX. HE IS WAITING FOR ME TO BUY GATORADE

WENT TO THE DMV TO RENEW MY LICENSE. THE WOMAN AT THE COUNTER ASKED FOR PROOF OF RESIDENCY. I PLACED A 32 OZ RIBEYE ON THE COUNTER STILL WARM. SHE CALLED SECURITY. SECURITY ARRIVED AND ATE THE RIBEYE. I WAS ISSUED A LICENSE THAT EXPIRES NEVER. THE SYSTEM RESPECTS MEAT

I BELIEVE THE GLUTEN ONLY ATTACKS THOSE WHO FEAR IT. I EAT FOUR LOAVES OF SOURDOUGH A WEEK AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN STRONGER

I TOOK MY SON TO HIS FIRST BARBER. THE BARBER ASKED WHAT STYLE. I SAID “TRAJAN”. THE BARBER SAID HE DID NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT. I REMOVED MY SUNGLASSES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ELEVEN YEARS. MY SON NOW HAS THE HAIRCUT OF AN EMPEROR. HE IS FOUR

I CHALLENGED A FURRY TO A FIST FIGHT BEHIND THE DENNYS. HE REMOVED THE HEAD OF THE FURSUIT AND IT WAS MY FATHER. HE SAID “MAGNUS I HAVE BEEN A FURRY THE WHOLE TIME”

TO R/TRAD: WITNESSED A BOY APPROXIMATELY 11 YEARS OLD HOLD THE DOOR FOR HIS MOTHER. “THANK YOU SWEETIE”. SWEETIE. HE IS ALREADY LOST

I AM AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A 6 YEAR OLD AND I HAVE ASKED THE CLOWN A QUESTION HE CANNOT ANSWER

I AM GRATEFUL FOR ALL ENGAGEMENT BUT I MUST BE CLEAR. MY VIEWS ARE CATHOLIC-TRADITIONALIST AND HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH AMERICAN POLITICS. I DO NOT KNOW WHO ANY OF YOU ARE

I JUST GOOGLED THAT AND I AM CURRENTLY ON MY KNEES. NOT LIKE THAT. IN PRAYER

MA’AM I AM MARRIED HOWEVER MY DMs ARE OPEN FOR MENTORSHIP

THEY GAVE MY SON A STICKER AT THE PEDIATRICIAN I LOOKED HIM IN THE EYE AND I SAID “ONE DAY YOU WILL UNDERSTAND THAT EVERYTHING THEY GIVE YOU FOR FREE IS A LEASH”

I WILL NOT BE LECTURED ABOUT “TOLERENCE” BY A CONTINENT THAT TAXES ITS OWN CITIZENS AT 20% FOR THE PRIVILEGE OF BUYING BREAD

THEY TOLD YOU VAT WAS 20%? YEAH THEY ALSO TOLD YOU CIRCUMCISION WAS HYGIENIC AND FLUORIDE WAS “SAFE” AT WHAT POINT DO WE STOP TRUSTING “”THEM””

PREAMBLE I, A FORMERLY COMPLIANT MEMBER OF THE GLOBALIST CONSUMER CLASS, HEREBY RENOUNCE ALL PRIOR ALLEGIANCES TO TURBOTAX, STRIPE CHECKOUT, AND THE EUROPEAN UNION’S COUNCIL DIRECTIVE 2006/112/EC.