The Peruvian church on our block did their procession for the Lord of Miracles this afternoon. Purple robes, smoke, tubas and horns. That’s that shit I like

factory resetting my nervous system

am sure this absolutely sucked to deal with but this also looks like the cover for a killer circa-2009 indie rock EP

remembering that time a kitchen cupboard fell off the wall.

what's up with men not going off to seek their fortune with nothing but a bit of bread and hard cheese in their leather sack

Gemini: Take a vacation from your problems. Your assassin isn’t in a rush.

making small talk with charon

if you are a musician and you hold the mic out for the crowd sing more than 3x, we are owed a refund. karaoke night is down the street, buddy.

[watching a musical] god, please don’t let it be another song…

now that the percentage of people who consider themselves religious has gotten so low it's actually really punkrock to be episcopalian

good morning everyone

the host of "the man show" is to woke

"Fuck this Nazi bullshit" is a perfectly acceptable editorial stance, in fact

(little dog narrowly avoids stepping in his own poop) all I do is win win win win win

don't throw away your old grocery bags you can use them for amazing arts and crafts projects like "bag full of other grocery bags", "lone grocery bag in the corner of the kitchen", and "what's that smell did you save the bag that had the meat in it"

one of the reasons i don’t work for a public company is so that when i’m brutally murdered in broad daylight by a professional contract killer the impact of my death on the company’s stock price will remain a mystery

I haven’t had time to think lately and it’s really given me a lot to think about

America #1 (in messed-up bottled iced coffees)

my sunday listening suggestion is this video of an amazing bass player & her contributions to modern music history Carol Kaye played on over 10,000 tracks...not a typo

wouldn’t it be wild if a cat ended up becoming a dog

how do we get all these fucking People off our website so that twix candy bars can live here next to clorox bleach

found this on FB marketplace & when i find something weird i usually try to say something funny but i got nothing

I was born in the right generation. I love pizza rolls and being able to block a number

our driveway has a dip in the middle and my 8 year old was getting off of her bike and was having a hard time because of it, and I was like ah sorry that's an awkward position. And she goes "not as awkward as telling someone you love them after watching and waiting for years for the right moment."

person: calm down my calm: 📈

You want a pep talk? You either die of stupidity or live with it

Little dog deigning to eat breakfast at 12:48 p.m. EDT. He’s doing me a favor and we both know it

Oh shit oh fuck the xenomorphs have Adidas now

Paul 'a the Poundstone to ya

THEY DEFORMED ME, COOP. REDUCED ME DOWN TO ONLY MY MOST RECOGNIZABLE CHARACTERISTICS. I’M A CUTESY SHELL OF MY FORMER SELF. THE BOYS AT QUANTICO ARE CALLING ME A “CHEE-BEE.” I’M SEVEN CENTIMETERS TALL, COOP. 150 GRAMS OF VINYL PLASTIC.

Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. The Insane Clown Posse is in town tonight. Go see them. That should pick you up.“ Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor… I am Insane Clown Posse.”

They say Nostradamus' predictions are too vague to take seriously but I find his assertion that "2025 will be fuckin shithousery squared" chillingly accurate

sir do u know how fast u were shitting

My dad had a CD that was just Crockett’s theme from Miami Vice with nothing else on it. And he would play this on repeat in his mercury grand marquis

i ate chicken and now i have the 'chicken strength'

Wearing my emotional support Judas Priest tee shirt

Cry in the shower, scream in the car 😎

gandalf shoulda bobby hilled it and kicked saruman in the nuts

I like when Mary Sohn is on Doughboys. Good vibes. The boys get loose

starting to worry that computers might be imperfect

Monday: The Workman's Curse Tuesday: The Day of Bastards Wednesday: Heavy is the Burden of Sisyphus Thursday: The Second Day of Bastards Friday: Business in the Front, Party in the Back Saturday: Me Old Ham, My Good Time Charlie Sunday: Fairweather Friend

I hope my guardian angel is curvy

I'm here to remind you that there are a lot of wonderful things outside. What if you went on a quest to find out what makes them happy? I'm on drugs.

I’ve memorized the mona lisa. Its enigmatic beauty has been fully incorporated into my mind palace. No more expensive trips to the louvre, france

Opening the Bible off the bookshelf at my in-laws' and finding it's hollowed out to conceal the Dustin Diamond sex tape dvd

my neighbor told me vandals keep cutting down his speed cameras so i asked how many speed cameras he has and he said he just goes to the police chief and requisitions a new camera afterwards so i said it sounds like he's just using police budget to fund vandalism and then his mayor started crying

wife: why is your new body wash half gone already? me: (eyes go wide) oh you haven’t tasted it; you gotta taste it

If we all synchronise our movements just right we can produce a dazzling visual illusion that disorients and confuses all predators

They call it a closet because you put your clos in et