my half and half expires on the 25th anniversary of 9/11

things are finally starting to happen

at a dinner with my inlaws and all three four year-old girls are shouting "LET'S BREAK THE RULES OF TREES"

thinking about how matt weiner made mad men, one of my favorite shows of all time, a beautiful portrait of so many complex and compelling characters, was continually baffled when the entire fanbase immediately started calling the character played by his own son "creepy glenn"

"why are you ruining my birthday?? i'm the birthday boy!!"

I love this feature on Clearsky because it’s the closest real-world equivalent we have to “Mort Crim’s Chump of the Week”

I spoke to Mitch McConnell for 20 minutes and he told me this is the water, and this is the well. Drink full and descend. The horse is the white of the eyes, and dark within.

They're calling him Schrödinger's Mitch.

THE ACKROOMS

you know, the platner stuff keeps feeling like people yelling "he's the birthday boy!! why do you keep trying to ruin his birthday??"

[sinister whooshing]

whoopsie

get you a wife who keeps you informed

Why can’t the beautiful people of Maine like a more normal man. Has anyone been in contact with Maine

mitch mcconnell (this is spoonerized)

r just called an organ a "scary piano"

He figured out how to open the box just so he could hide inside

plaham gratner

as an update to the dropoff of cute kids' pjs available, i would like to shout out these absolutely adorable goose jimjams, which r is convinced are untitled goose game merch (and i will never tell her otherwise) www.gap.com/browse/produ...

what if a cat was small

the opera contractor has returned, rebuilding a porch down the street. i have to assume it's the same crew bc the possibility of a local cabal of opera-loving handymen is simply too much of a stretch for my reality

haha, thats a great post. unfortunately you phrased it in a way that allowed me, a moron, to misunderstand it

i've not been watching, let alone been invested in watching, the world cup but i'm sending my fastest and strongest vibes to the mexican team to obliterate england

ah, a new day. time to ruin it instantly, with Phone.

i'm enjoying some iced cream

i got a new fermented toner that a reviewer described as "smelling like hot dog buns" and while the toner is good she was absolutely right

Wait everyone shut up for a second: the discovery of the Brachiosaurus holotype is at the exact midpoint between the founding of the United States and today (July 4, 1901)

Great moments in U.S. History.

"Party in the USA" was written by a Brit (Jessie J) and was clearly meant to be a foreigner's view of America. But, in Miley's hands, it becomes a story of a country girl in the city, an American in a different part of America, and thus a celebration of the entire country and all our commonalities

celebrating the good parts of america today. if you don’t think there are any good parts, just look to all the stuff the fascists are desperate to stifle

important to revisit the words of the Founding Fathers on this day

I would kill or die for Larry

that's harrells, this is his town

debbie's been playing with this bouncy ball that r got from some damn place by dropping it down the basement steps, racing to get it, carrying it back up, and then dropping it again. for like the last hour

We're so starving for consequences we're reading Vatican press releases

Trump: It's not working! Why don't they love the fair? How do I make the crowds cheer? Oracle of DC: If you test your strength against the heat with a very long speech, the nation will celebrate harder than they ever have. They will party in the streets. No one will ever forget the night.

I like in Hey Ya when André 3000 says "Lend me some sugar, I am your neighbor!" He is my neighbor

i was too scared to chelsea chop my plants and now everything is really tall and flopping all over the place

INTERSCHISMATIC SEMINARY SEMINARY INTERSCHISMATIC

Ad Rock: you can disagree with the current All: POPE MCA: but if you push his buttons then you’re a All: DOPE Mike D: ordain yourself a bishop and you’re All: SCHISMATIC Ad Rock: excommunication is All: AUTOMATIC

dude wearing only basketball shorts and a baseball cap smoking a joint just skateboarded down my street

I went outside

Goofus and Gallant are not boys but iconographic floating signifiers, shifting in meaning and purpose according to the social mores and folkways of the ever-changing times through which they travel but never settle

#37D2C4

almost forgot

we just got back from the pool, and my god it's times like these i truly understand why that mammal ancestor went back into the water forsaking land forever