im so thankful to have my home heating system powered by AI. it monitors my family as it comes and goes throughout the week and optimizes temperature settings for comfort and efficiency. also once every ten days it misidentifies my son as a pot roast and sets the thermostat at 325 for four hours

good news! the news is now illegal

take me down to the pedophile city where theres donald trump and theres jeffrey epstein

TRUMP: They beg for scraps, but we taste the rarest fruit. Forbidden, exotic, delicate. All the sweeter, for it spoils quickly. EPSTEIN: Best taken secretly, when they believe we fast. TRUMP: Whispers at dusk, never shouted in daylight. EPSTEIN: An endless banquet, Donald. ME: sirs this is a wendys

YOU, A BOOR: the northern lights ME, A SOPHISTICATE: auror of borealis

the simpsons should take the elon musk episode off of disney plus and replace it with the michael jackson episode

i just realize i only weigh 180 pounds. the other 140 are just the crap i eat

found my new bio

go canucks go

ME AS A CHILD: i cant wait till im an adult, then i can finally Do Things ME AS AN ADULT: the spectre of Things To Do haunts me from sunup to sundown, and beyond

cliff wife low key fell off

republicans reject motley crue’s offer to kickstart heart

there is nothing that i would like to see more than elon musk jumping off the high dive into a vault full of coins

juries these days would rather hock up a loogie than lock up a hoagie

a second verse has just struck the song

i cant believe his first official move as mayor was to change the lyrics of “hava nagila” to ”zohran mamdani”

wow. congratulations new york. real “six seven” of you

reporting cnn for advocating self harm

dick cheney has endorsed cuomo by dying

Final Score: Dick Cheney 4, Hearts 1

and the MVP of the world series is: president donald j trump

jays can get them in the 12th

the dodgers. the jays. who will win the ugliest trophy in pro sports

take me down to the old torment nexus where the metaphors will always perplex us take me home

smoke wheat every day

as a Complete Idiot, theres nothing i love more than Just Asking Questions

some people just dont get it

sweet dreams are made of bees who am i to diss honey traveled the world and im selling bees everyone is trying to sting me

sweet dreams are made of cheese who am i to dairy-free? traveled the world and im selling cheese everyone is eating havarti

what have i become? a lousy dad every son of mine has a name that is bad and then they beat me up im on high alert i wont name you sue i will name you….kurt

my son is also named daulton varsho

oh i get it. its like the world series of poker but for baseball

one of the most annoying things about the internet is that it convinced a lot of people that “everyone should hear my story“

im sure all this sound and fury signifies SOMETHING

the light from this baseball game originated over eight billion years ago

cant believe all of this is happening while antifa burns downtown seattle

my 6yo’s assessment of the end of the baseball game: “that was a real bad choice to panic. maybe he’s just learning to play baseball“

good take alert

travis kelce 0-1 since Football Boy topped the charts

cut my life into pieces

cut my life into pieces

i am sad to report that my wife is watching trey yesavage pitch and has become pregnant

yankees confirmed frauds. please do not throw this post in my face at a later date. thank you for your attention to this matter!

this is the most devastating own i have ever suffered

i got my first real six string bought it at the five and dime played it till my fingers bled whys this guitar made out of knives