cheers to the detroit pistons for forcing a game seven. jeers to my wife for having a months-long emotional but not physical affair with her coworker

hey john. its your cousin marvin. marvin cage! you know that new sound youve been looking for? well listen to this *hangs up phone*

well, my name is drake and im here to say i have personal issues with the nba

surprised to see carter hart trying to score and then immediately get penalized

cause its free diapers check it and see they cost no money and they hold poo and pee

i spent 10000 hours online to prove malcolm gladwell wrong

rip to doug exeter. beheaded by his teenage daughter after hearing her listening to noah kahan and saying “oh so thats what happened to mumfords sons”

if you are a fan of the vegas golden knights you are a pervert. no way around it

scent from my iPhone

holding up a bag of giant marshmallows in the grocery aisle and asking strangers “how do they grow them this big?!”

im taking blocks and its not fun i fought online and online won

pronounced the word menus as though it rhymes with venus and got kicked out of the restaurant

i can see why

not going to virtue signal by wishing my mom a happy mothers day

america has never really figured out how to kill the right kennedys

ya gotta spend money to make money. thats just facts

roses are red goo goo dolls sang iris and id give up forever to touch you cause you have the hantavirus

id like to see ol’ rudy giuliani wriggle his way out of THIS one *rudy giuliani dies*

jason bourne is so cool and fast….i wonder if hes christian

congrats to iran for joining vietnam, the taliban, and drugs in winning wars against america

*gangstas paradise voice* was born in ‘83 getting gangsta when necessary

the atlanta hawks:

Sissy Connor McDavid of failing Edmonton Oilers and captain of bad goalie players has a problem. His Hockey team is no longer 'hot.'

every accusation is an admission to disneyland

i cant believe prominent leftist hasan piker said its time to bring back tying damsels to train tracks

i recognize that, to the untrained eye, it might appear that this popular work that i have reproduced without either altering it or commenting upon it in any way is copyright infringement. but, what you are missing is that i did not intend any copyright infringement whatsoever

did you know that if you listen to the beatles backwards they still suck

actually going gentle into that good night rules

AI could make my dad come back from going to get smokes

DOCTOR: my spiritual wellbeing has been low lately. surely attending the show of this renowned clown will help me PAGLIACCI: i just provide lighthearted entertainment. for deeper spiritual fulfillment you must meet Jesus DOCTOR: but Pagliacci, i AM Jesus

folks, theyre calling me one of the greatest christs in recent history

cause ive long covid check it and see ive had the virus since late 2019

just realized that if you rearrange the letters in artemis you get “mister a”. who could he be

artemis has landed in the strait of hormuz. just mashing up two things for humorous effect

pretty sure this one is my favourite tweet of all time

the vancouver canucks have been humanely euthanized

wait. wait. hold up. you didnt get to hear me make an Important Point

no. thats literally why we have math

Elmo has entered the battle for the Moon chat

if you dont know hexadecimal i feel bad for you son i got 9D9 problems thats 2521

Too bad. You missed out on hearing “Hero Of The Day” by Metallica.

few people remember that on September 12, 2001 the only song that radio stations could legally play was Metallica’s “Hero Of The Day”

it occurs to me that if the author george orwell were to write the book nineteen eighty-four today, it would be necessary for him to entitle it nineteen six-seven

the only good age verification law would be one that limits internet access to people born between 1976 and 1991

its the 21st century. we eating macroplastics now

No Kings includes prisons of my own making

sorry guys i accidentally put Tiger Woods 2003 and GTA Vice City in my xbox together again

ive done it. it took four years of meticulous craftwork but ive done it. ive come up with the perfect joke. here it is. daaaaamn, they better start calling will smith “paper” because he just beat rock