The White House’s new message to Americans: maybe you should all just shut up and die you pieces of shit.

OUT: wedding announcements in the New York Times IN: wedding announcements by stylist Law Roach

Oh I thought The Smashing Machine was about him.

This obviously very stupid but is it also smart? We’ll talk to some liars after this break.

Let’s be real, Trump doesn’t really know which one Iran is.

Probably the best airport merch I’ve seen.

Walked on a frozen lake and didn’t die. Better luck next time, water.

Boarding Zone 8. The scum of the earth. Everyone already seated looking at me like it’s my fault we haven’t left yet. Yes I had to gate check my roller bag, you know I did.

A Fleetwood Mac song came on at the bar and four people independently started singing along quietly to themselves.. that’s real power.

I think what the world needs is MY personal take on Wuthering Heights. There will be a lot of orcs and wizards but don’t worry, they’re all fucking.

Parents nationwide are rubbing their foreheads, bracing themselves for the “frenulum piercing” conversation.

Man, you just know partying with Kash Patel would be so freaking epic.

Loud dude at the bar is doing a terrible job describing Righteous Gemstones to the most uninterested woman. It’s hard to hear something so good be pitched so catastrophically.

Sure this looks bad for the hockey player, but he might be saying “I’ll give this medal to whoever gets this guy away from me.”

I bet the first time someone wearing ice skates jumped even a little bit and landed on the ice without falling down, people were like "that was unbelievable, this will never be topped, we've reached the pinnacle."

If you think calling someone a "low IQ individual" makes you sound smart... you might be a low IQ individual.

Heat feels so nice when you’re cold. Sorry if this offends.

I grew up with a dude who was always saying “ain’t no thing but a chicken wing on a string” and everyone loved him for it. I never had the courage to ask what the fuck that sentence was supposed to mean.

Sorry kid but you can't read The Hobbit, it's outdated garbage. And hey, not so fast, Goodnight Moon.

Dogs really are man’s best friend because if I saw any of my other friends rolling around in a possum’s corpse I would at least reexamine the friendship.

We can use it to rot!

It's pretty clear the powers-that-be don't want us writing for ourselves, making art for ourselves, or reading any books at all. Ideally we'll just stop thinking. I'm sure they have our best interests in mind!

"If you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand." First of all, Phil Collins, I shouldn't even have to tell you I'm drowning. It'd be pretty obvious.

My name is KIIIIIID *pausing to gasp for breath halfway through one push-up, narrow chest collapsing* it’s kid… it’s kid… rock

I'm not saying it should be illegal to take Zoom work meetings at a coffee shop, but your drink should cost 3-4x as much

If I had to vote for a Gavin I guess it'd be Rossdale. At least he made one album everyone was required to own in 1994.

Oh, you want me to commit about who I’m voting for in 2028. Did you know it’s barely 2026 right now.

Where I’m at, politically.

lmao

Tonight I make pasta for two! Just kidding, pasta for one. And it’ll be more like pasta for four.

If you live somewhere like Southern California where there are roadside vendors selling flowers, this is an especially good year to buy from them instead of a fancy florist. And they’re so nice!

NBC is really committed to running “Snoop is at the Olympics” as firmly into the ground as possible, huh.

Heated Rivalry 2: The Hanson Brothers' Awakening

In addition to lending us his talents on-screen, Trace Beaulieu will be art director for MST3K: The RiffTrax Experiments! www.kickstarter.com/projects/rif...

Dog got skunked this morning. My life is skunk smell now.

Curling on the TVs at the bar… suddenly everybody’s a goddamn expert.

The young'uns that were hired for the previous MST3K reboot were all very talented, and did a great job, but this time around the concept is, "What if we gave the old farts from the original show a shot?" Why not, right? I think it's gonna be fun.

Folks, we've got Trace & Frank sign.

I’m about to medal in microwaving a chocolate chip cookie and putting vanilla ice cream on it.

Bluesky wouldn't load and I immediately rushed to other sites to see if It Had Happened.

You can see how it's difficult for Dems to push back against the right's powerful message of "shut up and die of the measles, you pigs."

Happy to say DEATHSPORT will be one of our MST3K episodes! It features way more David Carradine riding a motorcycle in a loincloth than most other movies.

In honor of the Kickstarter launch for Mystery Science Theater 3000: The RiffTrax Experiments, I created three new pieces! Check out the Kickstarter at: kickstarter.com/projects/rifftrax/ @rifftrax.com

I remember reading a short story in elementary school about kids in Puerto Rico sledding down grassy hills on giant leaves and thinking it sounded like an awesome place. Fortunately a story like that would now be flagged as inappropriate for children and removed from library shelves.

Imagining a guy who’s mad that Bad Bunny did the halftime show in Spanish instead of Quenya, the tongue of the high elves of Valinor.

The real thrill of the Olympics is every time I look at my phone I’m ignoring the most important 90 seconds of a person’s life.

I think what MAGA guys fear most about the halftime show is their wives being exposed to Bad Bunny for the first time.

Am I the only one seeing these Pacifico ad campaigns telling their story, that some surfers “discovered” the beer while in Mexico. As if there weren’t people making the beer, as if it just welled up from the ground.

My favorite artifact in the "you don't need AI to do art" discourse is, of course, screenwriter Dan O'Bannon's sketch of the facehugger to explain it to Giger.