It’s raining heavily outside while I’m running the washing machine AND the dishwasher… feels sick. Diseased. Like I’m Baron Harkonnen slathering myself in spice.

At long last, it's time to do the Shimmy Slide.

I’ve seen enough. It is time to arrest Jeffrey Epstein.

Guillermo del Toro’s Frankenstein is cool but I think what the movie needed was a goofy lil guy. Something classy, like a smartmouth goblin who lives behind his ear. The goblin is also a DJ.

We don’t get a lot of rain, let alone “bows”, so just let me have this.

I think it's pretty pathetic when people use ChatGPT to write an email, because who can't write an email? But then I saw all these Epstein emails. These guys can't write emails.

Happy birthday, Neil.

At this point it’s hard not to feel like the aurora borealis is actively avoiding me.

A relatable mantra.

From now on, instead of pretending to hear people in loud bars I'll respond to whatever they said with some Dad advice. "Don't go to the dealership for repairs, find a local mechanic you can trust."

While you were adding up how much your shitty little outfit cost I was studying the blade.

Whenever one of the guys in a war movie has a fun personality, you know he’s toast. That’s the main reason I never joined the military. Too fun.

When someone is gormless, it’s like damn dude… get some gorm.

I haven't been on twitter in over a year but it seems like Musk has transformed it into a powerful platform devoted to proving he's the most embarrassing person who's ever lived.

It'd be nice if our leaders stopped acting like this guy was some impossible-to-defeat Alexander the Great type instead of a big wet idiot.

Goes without saying there shouldn’t be trillionaires. Trillion should just be for fake stuff, like a little kid saying “oh yeah? well I love cookies times a TRILLION!”

My school banned Magic: the Gathering two weeks after we started playing in the cafeteria at lunch, but the Suicide Encouragement App is still available on every device worldwide.

“It looks like you’re trying to do pushups on this mat. Would you like help with that?”

I got into Talking Heads in high school and played Fear of Music for a friend, he said "This guy's afraid of everything. Why would you listen to this? AC/DC would kick this guy's ass." We all have our own criteria for evaluating art, and they're all valid.

Clearly the rushed getaway of the poisoner.

If someone threw a sandwich at me I’d catch it in my mouth and swallow it whole, like a cartoon dog. Skill issue.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles followed by Tommy Boy… you’re not gonna find a better comfort movie doubleheader for fall. Scientists have tried, and they’ve failed.

I knew that Mamdani had it; he had the people and did the work, and has been the clearest and most lucid in rejecting the untenable current state of things. But the vile, bigoted shit against him was so constant, and I am conditioned to that working better than I want. This feels like an exorcism.

You know Trump’s about to post some of the most “I’m not owned!” shit of all time.

Thank you to my home county, Wise County, for *squinting at chart* technically shifting blue! (Not really dismissing, even this is a big deal there, trust me. Also that’s a lot of voter turnout in a very small county)

It’s kind of heartwarming how everyone gets a little bit religious when they imagine a terrible person going to hell.

I voted... and I vote.

More like Chick Daney! At least, that’s what I’d call him in our private moments. Oh how he’d laugh. Farewell, sweet friend.

It's called Of Mice and Men but then it's all about petting RABBITS? Pretty sloppy stuff from so-called "great writer" John Steinbeck.

Clip my fingernails today? No, no: must save some excitement for tomorrow.

That little guy on the right in the green sweater is Mark Ruffalo, who made his film debut in Mirror Mirror 2: Raven Dance. It was all downhill for him from there.

It's called Of Mice and Men but then it's all about petting RABBITS? Pretty sloppy stuff from so-called "great writer" John Steinbeck.

"Never fear, popular candidates who win elections are not the future of the Democratic Party."

In one sense I can't believe there's only two months left in this year, in another sense this Trump administration has lasted 40,000 lifetimes.

Maybe try letting your clocks think for themselves for once.

Looks like the kids finally got Freddy. Tough break man.

Did not expect one of the best paragraphs I’d read about baseball would come from an Irish newspaper www.irishexaminer.com/sport-column...

Seems to be going a little underreported that the Dodgers won the World Series on my half-birthday.

this is probably the year when the time change into darkness makes everyone go the rest of the way insane

See I told you guys

Sorry to be all “I love LA” but Maria Bamford just lowkey came through the bar as Cookie Monster handing out homemade cookies to everyone 🤩

Go Dodgers

My costume is “guy who owns this jacket”

@seanthomason.bsky.social I just watched "Chickenomics". So where is my video with the Philly Phanatic explaining quantitative easing like you said you would do in it? I believe every word you two say implicitly.

For a Halloween party in LA you can just wear normal clothes and tell people you're "the weird DJ from that one scene in Sleepaway Camp 4" and they'll go "oh right, right, very nice!" even though that isn't a real thing.

Kid, if you don't know whether your Batman costume is pre- or post-Crisis continuity, you don't deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn't cry.

Remember to ruin someone’s Halloween with the simple question “what are you supposed to be?”

It's ugly but I will say I like all those hard surfaces and sharp edges and marble floors that stay slick when wet.

With all the commercialism I just hope people never forget what Halloween is really about: being all horny.