Guys, I’ve been taking this new supplement and I gotta say, I feel exactly the same.

This is like a screen-freeze at the end of an 80s comedy. Cue “I Feel Good”.

Dow jumps 400 points after Trump says “I want the Dow to jump 400 points”.

I am ready to fall into savings.

This is like watching the 12th round of a fight that should have been stopped in the 10th.

Congratulations to Host and Musical Guest on their engagement!

I don’t understand the “how do I explain this to my kids” argument. Nobody explained shit to us. You learned from your RA when you got to college.

Ms Now is what a sarcastic grandma calls Rachel Maddow.

I didn’t reinvent myself. I just added a clock.

So much of the MAGA movement is just guys who were turned away from rollercoasters.

It was so surprising when the camera landed on those two people at the Coldplay concert and they were both awake.

Damn, first we’re ignored by the Emmys, now this!

Zohran Mamdani once drove past a field full of cows and didn’t say “cows”.

Are you still talking about the plums in the icebox??The plums you were probably saving for breakfast have been talked about for years!! So sweet and so cold.

Beyond feckless. He has negative feck. The man owes feck.

Remember, spray it in front of you and then walk into traffic.

“So-and-so must resign” starting to feel like “Godzilla should stop it”.

If New York elects a progressive, all the rich people will pack up and move to wherever Cuomo lives.

Waiting for Congress to act is like waiting for your Lyft that was 3 minutes away and is now 7 minutes away.

Trump being dismantled by an African immigrant is vibish.

We didn’t have a word for “polycule” in my day. We just said “improv theatre”.

The conservative movement is basically people who ditched senior year to go drink at the tree and think that’s as good as going to class.

Went into a room and forgot why I went in there and Jake Tapper wrote a book about me.

We got a pope who won’t pronounce the “h” in “catholic”.

Didn’t there used to be Congress?

We’re gonna be saying Merry Christmas again, but sarcastically.

Trump signs EO making “a lot” one word.

Schumer building a Time Machine to go back and scold baby Hitler.

I know I’m old when someone posts “name a more iconic duo” and I can’t even name THAT duo.

You crash the value of everything and then buy it for pennies on the dollar. Scooby-Doo villainy.

Reaching new levels of 10th grader who discovered cyberpunk.

Love how every NBA team has a Hodor now.

Brody’s speech had the same runtime as his movie.

I wrote this bit that is entirely unrelated to current things

Harrison Butker has time to help with the dishes.

Kendrick ruined Drake’s life with a pun.

Can’t believe we’re dealing with nazis in the year 2025. This is like getting a zit when you’re 60.

A.I. groundhog predicts six more weeks of Sunday.

Watching RFK hearing: “That’s the color I want for the deck.”

Has he done an executive order to make “a lot” one word?

He’s just pointing at Mars, you guys.

My most old man trait is the rage I feel when people try to combine two sports.

I want to be the person who bought these bananas, but I fear I am the person throwing these bananas away.

Happy Jan. 6 to everyone who has to sound this out.

Eating peanut M&Ms in a hotel bed is the send-off 2024 deserves.

Don’t tell me what you said to yourself. That’s not my business.

Nothing my mom loves more than telling the waiter what went wrong last time she was here.

If they can make tissues with lotion in them, why not pants? This is a winning platform.

Harry: what if we sold pears David: sounds good Harry: but once a year David: huh Harry: by mail David: Harry, I… Harry: in the dead of winter