i had $20 to my name and could only say ‘toilet doll’…but i was young and in paris!

Taking pictures of all the groceries at the grocery store to show to my kids.

i had $20 to my name and could only say ‘toilet doll’…but i was young and in paris!

it’s funny to read those stickers on semi trucks as ‘how am i DRIVING?!’ - like the driver’s on a lot of acid and can’t believe they’re even capable, let alone on the freeway in an 18-wheeler

Went to the doctor today with a list of demands

why yes, i am a writer... have i written anything you've heard of? well, i don't know... perhaps you've HEARD of a little tome called THE BIBLE 2

any baking dish should have its dimensions right there ON the dish! what am i supposed to carry a ruler around everywhere?!

i think we're about 2 years out from england putting jack the ripper on their money

when you hear that lilting oboe leitmotif im comin playa

thinking about a guy at the beach who gets a little mixed-up & tries to poop on someone’s jellyfish sting :)

reverse vampire gives victims occasionally life-saving blood transfusions

yesterday i saw a guy jogging with a big ziploc bag of ice cubes - probably in a hurry to get home before they melted

I named my fists Judy and the Dream of Horses.

sometimes if you’re very, very tired, it’s ok not to brush your teeth before bed - please, do not abuse this privilege

[jousting commentator]: he hath that Hound within him

having a CT scan this afternoon, and just wondering: during the test, will the tech be able to see my underwear?

i could really go for a big glass of popcorn butter

easy to love - just like me

people love to eat groceries!!!

I shouldn't be in trouble. They shouldn't get to call them "Temptations" if they don't want me to eat the cat treats.

i love it when something that isn’t mine becomes mine ❤️

pronouncing bible like nibble

awoke as a damn dracula

spiderland: great album, terrible place to live

Computer Science Lewis

is there a downside to having an attic? i sure don’t see one

i inspire people by always returning my shopping cart to the cart corral area - even when i’m in a bad mood or have a sore ankle. in fact limping a bit makes it even more inspirational

go ahead & quit gmail - that’s just more for me!

if you’ll excuse me i need to use the en suite

Your non-toxic masculinity post of the evening

(Jerry Lewis eating Chinese food) HOISIN

imagine a classic western movie where instead of horses everyone’s on cheap 10-speed bicycles

if i ever got to meet neil (of ‘neilmed’ nasal products) i think i’d probably faint ❤️❤️❤️

the bigger the spider the more evil it is - it’s just common sense

i eat lots of eggs so i can grow up into a big strong bird

today i discovered that the vertical space between the shelves in my kitchen cabinets is *precisely* the height of 2 cans of tuna stacked on top of a box of raisin bran - that’s gotta be intentional

my neighborhood has one of the most demoralizing potholes you’ll ever drive over

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court— BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

Heard my cousins talking about stranger things and describing a "demogorogon" so I got them super high and I'm showing them The Thing and the amount of screaming happening rn is possibly my greatest accomplishment

my favorite credit from the shining

planning to kick off 2026 while coughing blood and staggering around

costco should give you half off all alcohol you consume while shopping

imagine, if jesus was alive today he’d be 2025 years old - amazing!

I see Santa is trending, which can only mean one thing. RIP, brother 🙏 Thanks for all the crap.

if bari weiss had tried to do 9/11 there'd be three towers now

David Byrne should wear a suit that is much too small

got the idea for & have started workshopping a new one-woman show: ethel merman sings ok computer

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Jack Frost stuntin’ on them hoes

in 3+ months at my new apartment i’ve only seen 2 spiders - unfortunately both of them were in my bed 😬