got the idea for & have started workshopping a new one-woman show: ethel merman sings ok computer

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Jack Frost stuntin’ on them hoes

in 3+ months at my new apartment i’ve only seen 2 spiders - unfortunately both of them were in my bed 😬

hell yeah my favorite show

areola 51

dogs should walk themselves. they should go on little outings.

you should be able to get a haircut while you’re having surgery

when someone criticizes me i just pretend they’re kidding

i hold the guinness world record for most easily disproven lie

‘retired alcoholic cop haunted by an unsolved cold case’ male stripper persona

Putting my birthstone on my resume

insanely good thing to say when you enter a room

if you happen to break into/steal my car today, do NOT use the fork that’s in there - i had to scratch my foot with it while i was driving to work

though i generally don't post earnest, personal things - i’m going to continue not doing that ;)

if you happen to break into/steal my car today, do NOT use the fork that’s in there - i had to scratch my foot with it while i was driving to work

walking around my house is so much fun! just going from one room to another - wherever i feel like going!

My night of movies about great and powerful magicians has been a total friggin bust

Aaron Space dreams of one day opening his own museum

my hair looks weird, but the obvious solution is that i just need to give it a little trim

I was under the impression that all actors were using some sort of method.

so, when i arrived for dinner last night my date was already seated and, after i sat down and introduced myself, they immediately ordered & then shotgunned a domestic beer right at the table. that’s good, right?

life is gourd

today leaving the coffee place i saw a guy put a cup of coffee in the trunk of his car

Bluesky night crew

bakeries don't want you to know you can make worse bread at home for thrice the cost

you need to move you’re getting blood on my truck

a few more old tapes of mine i found in a box this morning :) pretty sure the orange one is paul’s boutique

apologize to your carrot now

Okay, so maybe the trajectory of the Clippers was foreseeable in hindsight

you need to move you’re getting blood on my truck

having a piece of dinner

whenever i see/hear (nba player) gradey dick's name i think wow, his name is sooooo close to gravy dick - he really dodged a bullet

it’d never occurred to me that ear ‘buds’ are, you know, your little buddies - god i’m so stupid

for your xmas present this year i’m going to start backing into parking lot spaces

Babe your bowl of chemicals is ready

god put me on this boat for a reason oh hey is that the dave matthews band tour bus on the bridge up ahead love those guys

putting on your left turn blinker before veering into oncoming traffic

I will use my abilities to damage your car

[guy admiring his balls which are swollen to capacity with pee] i got two tickets to the bathroom baby

looney tunes lingerie

During football season, it's customary for mayors of rival cities to place wagers, whereby the loser has to govern the winner's city for the following year.

GUY WHO WAS BORN AT THE EXACT SAME TIME AS NELLY FURTADO AND IS ALSO NAMED NELLY FURTADO: Yeah our mothers had hospital beds right next to each other. The nurse walked in to ask "what will you name the baby?" They both looked at each other, smiled, and said "Nelly Furtado".

hi, here are 2 holiday promo illustrations i did for work this year & per usual i had to rush to get them out the day before respectively. had a fair amount of time to do the halloween one, still the house didn’t totally get finished. only had 2 days for the thanksgiving one but whaddya gonna do

dreamt i was in a record store browsing, and for some reason i asked the guy working there if i could plant an apple tree. he said sure and pointed to the back part of the store which had a damp, dirt floor. i was now holding a big seed, and i asked him how deep i should plant it - he said about 6”

dreamt i was in a record store browsing, and for some reason i asked the guy working there if i could plant an apple tree. he said sure and pointed to the back part of the store which had a damp, dirt floor. i was now holding a big seed, and i asked him how deep i should plant it - he said about 6”

a beacon of taupe

There’s nothing I can do Mitsubishi Eclipse of the heart

madam, your lucite rhombus is to die for

Wearing sunglasses around the house “to break them in”