a car powered by school spirit

an orgasm like the momentary gap in the rain beneath an overpass

halloween 2025 pic, tastefully censored for the sophisticated viewer. likely to be deleted soon!

fame would change me so fast i would immediately start killing and eating people

[living in the panopticon] I feel seen

all capital one ‘café’ locations now accept blood & sperm

imagine how lucky you’d be if you just naturally loved water and vegetables

is there a Balls Cheney

coq au vin is french for ‘chicken in a van’

eggs benedict deprivation tank

please don’t assume that because i’m wet, i’m also wild

Himcentive™: The Incentive for Him

[speaking to customer service] no, there’s no problem with the item. the item’s great - and i want to keep it… the problem, you see, is that i ALSO really want a refund

Lentil m&ms

When a celeb is in a commercial I get one inch from the television screen & tell them I’m so pleased they had this opportunity

Naming a chicken Dr Quinn medicine woman

i do think it's important to donate to wikipedia and i want them to have a little walkin around money

bringing a focus group to a gun fight

i’ve just eaten what can only be described as lunch

reassembling a salad back into a head of lettuce

I’m sure they’ve still got plenty of good shit at the Louvre. Who cares.

Bounty is the quicker picker upper - just my two cents

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

quesadillas are good for you

People love to mention how Elvis died on the toilet, but his death is outweighed by the countless times he used the toilet without incident, for which he should be celebrated

I have a dennis appointment today

anyone have a good book recommendation? needs to be approx. 8”x10”x1.5”

i’m sad to report that, earlier today, i lost an uncomfortably large sum of money playing peek-a-boo

(staring out at my five children picking vegetables on my sustainable farm, my wife in the kitchen making cookies) fuuuuuuuuck i fucked up so bad i hate this shit

The alien in ET was just done too sexy for my tastes. Ruined an otherwise good film in my opinion.

i’d trade my best laying hen for a coke zero right now

victoria's secret is so commercial now - it used to be about the panties

i have a banana in my pocket but in time i could learn to love you

YODA: circumcised are you ME: That's a private matter, Yoda. YODA: absent of skin a jedi must be ME: Not interested. Go away, Yoda. YODA: take off your shorts you must YODA: show it to me you will YODA: going where are you YODA: your penis I must see YODA: cut your long pink pipe must be YODA: mmMm

(existential Borat) my life

tfw u got a milkshake with a straw

I’m being told my most sensual aunt has received a new cooter

just let gargamel have the smurfs. who cares

a quick, platonic peck on the anus

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world,... I feel like I can't take it. And my heart is just going to cave in.

Doorless jeeps should be illegal. I don't want to see you work the pedals

I asked chat gpt to make some shitty looking crap that sucks

before you mail a package, tape it up real good. just my perspective

finally a banking app with security features i can feel good about

going to the walgreens in my new neighborhood for the first time - and i’m a little nervous :)

i don’t believe in ghosts, but i am very afraid of them

doing up to 7 simultaneous tarot readings at a blackjack table w/ a multi-deck dealer’s shoe

🧪

nice bird, big?

i went out for lunch today - and after the server set my food down in front of me, i looked at it and thought, “boy, i can’t wait to eat this”