There should be a combination vhs/blu-ray player. I can skip dvds

Based on reading Epstein's emails it wouldn't surprise me if he did drugs

Yes!! Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sen. John Fetterman suffered a fall after a young wastrel chopped down the beanstalk he was climbing upon

(Zoom meeting presenting a bar chart): any questions on Q3 before we move on to forecasts? Me: uh, can we imagine the bars as skyscrapers where the data works? Or are they little smokestacks at a data factory? Presenter:…they’re stelae, that the data can’t understand but worship regardless

Praise for my recent observation 🙏

Chalices and goblets are the exact same bullshit to me

Frankenstein's a bit of a Lothario... he necks then bolts!

Domes, cubes, cones, etc. I fuck with those types of things

What was a grassy knoll doing in Dallas to begin with...

A problem overlooked with the American Eagle "great jeans" ad is that their jeans suck ass. Every pair that I ever got from there disintegrated within a year. The ad should mention how bad the jeans are

Saw a man run across the bar into the bathroom, and he looked at me and said "I forgot my Zyns on the toilet!"

What was a grassy knoll doing in Dallas to begin with...

Fealty sucks. My liege can go fuck himself

Frankenstein's a bit of a Lothario... he necks then bolts!

My job just gave me a one trillion dollar per hour raise but Elon's thing is cute too

I'm lowkey a beautiful and indomitable spirit with an ass you can bounce a quarter off of!

Andrew Cuomo.... your fired!

My new thing is instead of saying "rags to riches" I say "rags to bags" and by bags I am talking about bags of money

They sell dvd players pretty cheap nowadays, but then you have to buy the discs separately if you want to watch anything. Which is bullshit to me

NSFW at Any Speed: The Erotic Fiction of Ralph Nader

Illegal face

Cheez-Its are chips

Got my bottle of Cranny Cola ready for the big live stream event 👀 @crannyboy.bsky.social

Turning this off. i thought this was supposed to be about an escape from alcatraz..

"I'm putting out the fire... with Vaseline!" -David Bowie, running out of hemorrhoid cream

Chicago Cubs world series big winner one million years in a row

Reliable sources inform me that my favorite baseball team, The Chicago Cub, have won the World Series. Let's hear it for the Cubbies

Wise men were cooking when they wrote some of those ancient proverbs

Sometimes grief makes you have sex with the vice president of the United States

one man's trash is another man's garbage

Abraham Lincoln (hold for applause) sucked (hold for boos) at backing down from a fight (hold for applause) and going to the theater (huge applause break)

Would you care to fall for my deadly ruse, m'lord

I would love to see an origin story for Darth Vader...

The real reason that Halloween is so scary--- is because rent is due the next day! 😏

I can barely believe some of my eyes

*meeting Paul McCartney backstage after a concert* Hey great set, do you guys have a bandcamp

Happy Halloween from me and Garth Brooks' alter ego, the mysterious Chris Gaines...

“It is only when we start to learn to know how to understand, that we realize the wisdom of our ideas.” - Thinker’s Credo

Costumes are just masks that we wear to make us look like we aren't ourself...

Weighed myself before and after using the bathroom and I somehow gained a pound ??

Dreamt that I went to a very old natural history museum, and the plaque below the whale skeleton read: "An Fishe swoll'n beyonde Reason"

Being a celebrity in the 80s was like "Sorry, I can't do lunch today. I have to say the word 'Ghostbusters' for a music video. Some movie my buddy Dan's making, I dunno"

People are calling 2004 "the year of the dvd"

*Ray Parker Jr. voice* Blustin makes me feel good

To My Dentist's Chagrin

Gulliver shoulda kept that shit to himself. Travels are none of my business

Couldn't afford a trip to Tinseltown so my family has been forced to vacation in "Binseltown." I hate it here no one will even tell me what "binsel" is

ME: Well, sometimes I get Mary Steenburgen and Catherine Keener mixed up. INTERVIEWER: That's not a weakness. That's a moral failing. You fucked up. You never should have told me this. I'm going to kill you