Terrifying thought: Dr. Grinch

My idea for "Space Jam On Broadway," a spectacular jukebox musical set to the songs of R. Kelly, has been met with great big bricks thrown through my windows

Boarded a plane out of Phoenix and the guy next to me immediately got out his laptop and opened it to an amazon listing for a gun

Getting sued by James Corden for $547,000 wasn't on my 2026 bingo card!!

Happy Stu Year

Guys will literally hike a mountain trail in Arizona with their girlfriend and her dog instead of doing something else

MR. POTTER: Ah, George Bailey. I remember you once told me that I sucked. But now it turns out that YOU suck

whoa mama

It's harder than ever to distinguish fact from reality

E.T. think he slick huh

I'm inventing a tv show called Carpool Karaoke

Did a doubletake when I saw this video of The Who's bass player cause I thought he was in the Seinfeld apartment

Escape from Santa's Tomb

Georgia Tech QB Haynes King handshakes the Pop-tarts after the coin toss

Something is giving stuff

2026 PIN number sounding ass year. That's my freaking PIN number

Norman Bates probably would've gotten away with it if he only hadn't murdered all those people

Sound on for this clip from Hallmark Channel's CHRISTMAS AT GRACELAND (2018)

I'm dreaming of a with christmas

I'm laughing my ass about this

Caves and coves are a whole lotta the same bullshit to me

"All I said, Niles, was that it sounded like the poor fellow could use a night away from life's troubles, how was I to know that the circus WAS life's troubles for him?" "Perhaps his tiny car would have provided some indication? Or did he instead come to your session by unicycle?" "Oh ha HA."

This has been a bruling winter

Stuff contains multitudes

In a surprising turn of events, my band Glurge will be playing at the Palo Verde Lounge in Tempe, Arizona, on 12/27. If you're in the Phoenix area come say "Hello!"

Hello Twin Cities you can come look at my rock band Glurge tonight at Zhora Darling. Also: thank you

I'm in a reverse Clark Kent situation where I don't recognize anyone if I'm not wearing glasses

Breaking Jake Paul's jaw is the only sensible reaction to seeing his shitty beard

They should take all those little black bits out of the Epstein files so you can see what's under there

Heard on a music history podcast that something tragic happened to Metallica's torbus. But what on earth is a torbus...

Skulking around the music festival during Morrissey's set selling hamburgers out of a trenchcoat

All the world's a globe, and all the men and women merely people

The murder weapon was a portable toilet. This looks to be an open and shit case

Elon Musk may struggle to express himself verbally, but through the written word he's able to fully convey that he's a brainless dipshit

My doctor said I tested positive for Dutch elm disease

I asked chat gpt to make some shitty looking crap that sucks

Eric Adams, endorsing Cuomo: "This was a bruling, bruling time." (??)

Human bones should be the strongest material in the world. You should be able to build houses out of them

Got my tire changed across the street from the Taco Bell that's always blasting speed metal 🤟

The president has designated Arby's as a weapon of ass destruction

I just invented the plagiarism machine

Some of my buddy Principal Skinner's ruses are delightfully devilish

Objects in mirror may appear closer than they appear

There are decades where years happen, and there are weeks where days happen

Terrifying thought: Dr. Grinch

Philip K Dick movies all have names like CORTICAL IMPASSE and are based on short stories called like "Let's See What's Going On Down at the Brain Factory"

Philip K Dick movies all have names like CORTICAL IMPASSE and are based on short stories called like "Let's See What's Going On Down at the Brain Factory"

It's the fifth anniversary of my most popular tweet. I'm going to repost it on this website now if that's okay with you

Unable to figure out why I need to put quarters into the washing machine to use it. Quarters must contain some sort of chemical property that aids in the cleaning process. But then where do they go when the load is done..?

I was trying so hard to think of what her eye movements reminded me of, and it turns out she's the evil Mitch Cohen