we did it! a perfectly structured democracy. it's got checks, it's got balances. this thing is made to last. there's only one weakness: bad guys. if somehow some bad guys who don't care about decorum got elected they could basically just tip the whole thing over. luckily such men are unelectable

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

Could an empire in decline do THIS? *launches deeply unpopular invasion cementing status as lunatic-led pariah state, its not clear what kind of move i was trying to do*

thinking about how, in the Russian history elective I took in HS, every time a tsar was facing domestic weakness the teacher would turn to the assembled students and ask "so what is it time for?" and we would chant "stunning territorial annexation!" and she would respond "well, DUH, girls"

I feel like I haven’t even been properly lied to about the purposes of this war

You have to go through Congress for anything resembling this type of war. Round up Massie and Paul types and have him removed. The people in this administration are on actual drugs and have insatiable bloodlust and bespoke mental illnesses. He has to go, and everybody with him.

I hope that one day I too can cause a big ruckus by escaping from my enclosure.

every thousand years or so the ancient ones show up all pissed off cause of some crap they've been stewing about for an eon and it's like, hey yog sothoth, nobody knows what the fuck you're talking about

2026 PIN number sounding ass year. That's my freaking PIN number

when someone’s net worth reaches a billion dollars it should roll over to zero like the scores in old video games

[God creating dogs] Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point

You alright man? I keep seeing small damage numbers coming off you

One nice way to feel better about yourself is to imagine what Steve Irwin would say about you if you were a little snake he found in the desert

Did some painting on Christmas Day Had to go gluten free years ago, but I still miss snack cakes. But there’s an allergen bakery nearby that makes amazing oatmeal cream pie dupes! And I’m slowly mastering the art of making zebra cakes at home :)

im being attacked by the liquid menthol core of a lozenge

computer room

God really made sea lions like “what if a wet banana could scream”

Now everyone is (rightly) all aerated about the nudity AI shit on X, can we please do something to stop the Pervert Glasses that will soon be in wide circulation?

My superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes.

* use an abacus * properly dip a quill pen * make paper from sheepskin * load and fire a flintlock

interrupting our first dinner date by sighing heavily, then asking "do you like it when guys throw up?"

i'll vote for anyone who promises to put the people who gave unlimited porn generators to incels and 13 year old boys into prison for life

You gotta love a squirrel just running around the zoo. The Bonus Animal

Grok didn't have lapses in its safeguards; xAI failed to implement them. Grok isn't "working to fix it;" xAI engineers should be (and it's unclear if they even are, since no journalists are doing their goddamned job). Grok did not "issue an apology." The account posted an apology written by ???.

I cannot emphasize enough that the attempts to anthropomorphize an algorithm is a fundamental act of journalistic malpractice and an intentional act to shield the people responsible for this. It's fucking shameful.

I just want one pic of me in 2026 that’s half as flattering as this.

This is the thing. At any point when writing about Grok or any other LLM, you can replace the name of the LLM with "the computer" without any loss in meaning. If you would not write "the computer apologized", then you should not write "Grok apologized".

Started the year listening to @nikostratis.com read her wonderful book, The Dad Rock That Made Me a Woman. I have a lot of feelings about it, too many for a little blurb, but hearing her share scars was like a long road trip with a friend in the dark, I loved it, and I think everyone should read it❤️

I like getting into dreamland and recognizing the weird locales that have been with my subconscious for years. Ah yes, there is Unnervingly Tall Hotel, which means Dilapidated Bridge I Must Cross On Foot is just around this corner

Some computer men got into the flour and all winter long I’ve been feeling their fragile bodies crunching between my teeth every time I eat my daily bread. I yearn for spring

I've formed a paleolithic hunting tribe with three of my coworkers. We all have matching loincloths and we've been whittling spears and drawing antelopes on the walls of my shed. Yesterday we forced a delivery robot over the edge of a cliff like a mammoth

Rats have access to relatively low amounts of physical power. BUT rats command extremely high levels of spiritual power

I'm pretty good at emerging from stuff. Shadows, fog, murky water - I'll emerge from them all

You should be able to rev your shopping cart at people in the grocery store

The best thing about online is that, if someone bothers me, I can just press a button and poof! A big axe chops them directly in half in real life

Oh is it a new year? I didn't notice. I only think in terms of centuries

in twenty twenty six i am bringing back having a Discman velcro'd to the dashboard

Happy first and third-to-last day of your journal

I hope your new year is wet and smooth. Like a molted lizard. Like a river stone

Oh, to leave my discarded exoskeleton clinging to a tree!

If I were actually a free thinker who questioned everything I might get to wondering why my government tries to make me mad at Somalis every time something new comes out about Epstein

inventing being normal from first principles

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court— BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

I do a lot of updates for Trout because he is usually resting beautifully somewhere and I almost never catch Gar sitting still, but here he is in a rare moment of peace and calm 😻

You can get sober and still carry a cool flask, that’s what M&M minis are for

One of the best to ever do it