What up, name's Gregory Culpable... but on the streets they call me Allergen. Here in the studio working on my fat new album Christmas with Granddad. In school I learned the elements, but now I smoke tremor and slurp crude, I move different, I slither different, I made up a new one called Lithuanium

It's important not to get all your daily caffeine from the same source. If I'm coffee in the morning, I'm tea in the afternoon. If I'm tea in the morning, the tannins make me nauseous, so no afternoon coffee for me. And this is the way of things

My mentor is the sort of man who dreams about hallways. The sort of man who wears barefoot shoes. The sort of man who lives in a cave, eats chicken off the bone, who yearns to paint a landscape. My mentor is the sort of man who kills

(pulling you aside at a party) Hey, I know it feels like you have to say all that funny stuff, but you don't. You don't need to be such a joy at this party. No one's making you. You don't have to be so gracious with others or treat them with such humble dignity, seriously

Your Honor, as much as I would love to "do it normal this time", I believe the medium of dance is vital to my defense

"Chrome will relaunch in 56 minutes" Thank you for telling me that, but beings like me operate on the scale of millennia, so please don't take offense if I seem unmoved by your small affairs

My favorite thing about a book is when it "doesn't overstay its welcome". This is because of my overall hostility towards books

In the warehouse, I found out the tasks I take to most naturally are what the others call "monkey work". Someone will often shout "Monkey work!" and I'll rush over to be of some help. This is all fine, except I've heard them call this "scurrying", which does not square with my professional ethos

As one of two keepers of our order's gravest secret, it's my job to choose a successor if my counterpart reaches his end. As a believer in rebirth of the soul, I will select whoever I believe to be his next personage. Finally, as a proponent of experiential learning, I will turn my sword on myself

Before the rest of the diving team descend, I like to go down and rearrange the fish. I think the fish are very convincing when arranged this way, and quite pleasing to the eye. I'm hoping this will stir a love of nature in my colleagues, who often lambast me for having a tender heart

Has anyone seen the Beast of Murmurs lately? I already asked the Beast of Whispers, but I could barely hear them over that accursed Beast of Screams

𝐄𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐄𝐱𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐀𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐅𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟓 𝐹𝑜𝑟 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑏𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑒𝑓𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑠— 𝐶𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑔, 𝐺𝑟𝑎𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑛𝑔, 𝐺𝑟𝑜𝑝𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑑𝑎𝑟𝑘

Every day I wake up and eat the flesh of the Fruit That Causes Harm. They always asked me why I ate of it, but I never knew why. After years of therapy and self-examination, I can finally say I eat of the harming fruit because it's so yummy to me it's delicious and it tastes soo good and yummy

If I were an optician, I would NOT shoot a jet of air into your eye. I would find a nonviolent (𝘢𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘢) way to perform the tests

My favorite MMO is RealmWorld. It has over a hundred different skills to develop, like woodcutting, woodcarving, woodshaving, woodthrowing, woodgreasing, woodburning, woodseeking, woodmeeting, wooddating, woodwedding, woodleaving, woodmissing, woodcrying, woodgrieving

Note: A previous version of this article referred to the subject in a disparaging tone. The author has since developed loving-kindness for all sentient beings and revised the article accordingly.

In my role playing game there are many Matches, which are made up of Rounds, which consist of Turns. Every Turn has four Quarter-Turns. There are several Actions in each Quarter-Turn, and each of those has multiple Moments. Moments are precious. Each one contains the entirety of one Existence

The blacksmith in our town's a sewer rat named Rat de Culvert, and though his hammer's strokes do fall with careful might, the townsfolk keep him far in word and quarters. Maybe it's his lowborn air, perhaps his ratly stink, but day by day I wonder how the nose could be more precious than the heart

I am but one of many Seasoning Stewards tasked with flavoring Her Majesty's meals. I employ the finest Black Peppercorns, precision-ground to suit each dish. Yet still her royal palate favors the White Peppercorn Steward who, despite the mild temper of his spice, is a heavy-handed brute

Today as a collaborative exercise my team and I traveled to the outskirts of the city and spake our individual vices into the void: "glory addiction", "glory obsession", "addiction to glory",

My love, I hope this letter finds you well. Things go nicely at the bog, and the other men are in good spirits. They say if we place our nets right we'll return with bog crabs enough for the county. But I confess, at times I suffer a sinister melancholy; I've taken to prodding the crabs with a stick

The neighborhood raff have grown replete on the exquisite aphids about my parterre

People who say herbal tea is caffeine-free invariably neglect to mention the ambient level of caffeine present in the tea around us

Me? I've got some hobbies, I guess. Adult stuff. Boring stuff. Beans, coins, the earth. Don't know much about computers. Don't care to. Don't know much about cell phones either, or electric guitars. Guitars of any kind, for that matter. Beans and the earth, enough for me. Coins I can live without

Spending 85 pages of my fantasy novel describing how humanity's armies come together to tie the laces on a single shoe of The World Giant, a creature I've invented to illustrate the futility of human endeavor in my fantasy novel. The shoes protect its feet from World Brambles, World Twigs, and so on

we're hitting some turbulence folks... not worried... bet I could fly this thing with my feet... well that's not true... I'm not some kind of monkey... a cockpit's no place for a monkey anyway... they don't let just anyone do this... takes time... and you gotta know a thing or two about the world...

(boss) I've noticed that you're forlorn. I've seen your window gazing. You're looking for meaning, but you won't find it out there. (tapping your monitor) You'll find it in the spreadsheets. (realizing it looks like I think the monitor is the computer, squatting and tapping the tower) The sheets

I've decided not to change the batteries in my smoke alarm to get back at my cretin neighbors for crunching around in the boneyard at unreasonable hours

38 keys on my keyring. They all look the same. Whenever I get home I thumb through and try each of them, one after another, before realizing this isn't my house at all. No, this is concept piece "Gun Box" by artist Demond Fritte, and it shoots me dead where I stand

Back off, man. I'm two stevia sodas in, and my inhibitions are basically kaput. I don't wanna hear one more thing about your wack cousin till these two stevia sodas are out of my system

The boys and I are getting together, each taking our favorite mode of transit. I'm in the Camry; Mike is taking the train; Lewis is cycling; and our friend Civônt will light a small lantern, bury it solemnly in a meadow, and weep

My old and trusted friend, Frembles Greaseheart, has once again posted a treatise on the door of the neighborhood Denny's. Included are three new doctrines: the original sin of the Denny's, the dependent origination of the Denny's, and the emptiness of self

Welcome to my mansion. Best beware of interlopers; let's sequester ourselves now to a secret room, where we may speak plainly of the pope

Joining a 12 step program to kick my coffee habit and getting laughed out of the room by all the guys addicted to porn

Day 14 of refusing my paycheck because I'm not entitled to the fruits of my actions

Everyone knows the game where you simply close your eyes. But have you tried holding that posture for seven, eight hours? Many find this terribly challenging

I've collected every manhole cover in the city and used them to construct a fearsome labyrinth. It is hundreds of meters across. Worse yet, all the manholes inside are exposed to the open air

Just shattered my femur in the jungle gym of my mind

Hauling a glob of Terro® liquid ant bait back to my nest

They're Putting Me Out To Pasture Tomorrow—And Here's Why That's A Good Thing

Starting a food blog called "The Many Flavors" where I discuss the various flavors

LENTILS ARE A NATURAL AGRICULTURAL PRODUCT . DESPITE USE OF MODERN CLEANING EQUIPMENT , IT IS NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE TO REMOVE ALL FOREIGN MATERIAL , PLAYBOY

(sitting before a team of researchers while a series of abstract shapes flash onscreen) Woke. Anti-woke. Anti-woke. Anti-woke. Woke.

Anyone remember Mr Andrews? Us kids always used to pat him down after school on account of his excess moisture. Then one day we went to pat him down and he was sitting there dry as a bone. Finally gone to a doctor and they gave him a pill, a big pill. Didn't seem so interested in us kids after that

At the doctor's office poring over a big book titled "How to Kill"

(semi-truck makes an illegal turn and shatters every bone in my body) Under the thumb of life's little challenges once again...

The high courts have sentenced me to death for knowing a tenderness to turn the hearts of men just how a moment's gust would set the palm asway

Arranging a bunch of pebbles and twigs under a decorative cloche

When I get pulled over, I tell them I'm from the institute. Not sure if this helps, I just don't know any other way