Nice try, but I've already depicted you as the (thinking of anything to say at all) Bad guy

The neighborhood raff have grown replete on the exquisite aphids about my parterre

People who say herbal tea is caffeine-free invariably neglect to mention the ambient level of caffeine present in the tea around us

Me? I've got some hobbies, I guess. Adult stuff. Boring stuff. Beans, coins, the earth. Don't know much about computers. Don't care to. Don't know much about cell phones either, or electric guitars. Guitars of any kind, for that matter. Beans and the earth, enough for me. Coins I can live without

Spending 85 pages of my fantasy novel describing how humanity's armies come together to tie the laces on a single shoe of The World Giant, a creature I've invented to illustrate the futility of human endeavor in my fantasy novel. The shoes protect its feet from World Brambles, World Twigs, and so on

we're hitting some turbulence folks... not worried... bet I could fly this thing with my feet... well that's not true... I'm not some kind of monkey... a cockpit's no place for a monkey anyway... they don't let just anyone do this... takes time... and you gotta know a thing or two about the world...

(boss) I've noticed that you're forlorn. I've seen your window gazing. You're looking for meaning, but you won't find it out there. (tapping your monitor) You'll find it in the spreadsheets. (realizing it looks like I think the monitor is the computer, squatting and tapping the tower) The sheets

I've decided not to change the batteries in my smoke alarm to get back at my cretin neighbors for crunching around in the boneyard at unreasonable hours

38 keys on my keyring. They all look the same. Whenever I get home I thumb through and try each of them, one after another, before realizing this isn't my house at all. No, this is concept piece "Gun Box" by artist Demond Fritte, and it shoots me dead where I stand

Back off, man. I'm two stevia sodas in, and my inhibitions are basically kaput. I don't wanna hear one more thing about your wack cousin till these two stevia sodas are out of my system

The boys and I are getting together, each taking our favorite mode of transit. I'm in the Camry; Mike is taking the train; Lewis is cycling; and our friend Civônt will light a small lantern, bury it solemnly in a meadow, and weep

My old and trusted friend, Frembles Greaseheart, has once again posted a treatise on the door of the neighborhood Denny's. Included are three new doctrines: the original sin of the Denny's, the dependent origination of the Denny's, and the emptiness of self

Welcome to my mansion. Best beware of interlopers; let's sequester ourselves now to a secret room, where we may speak plainly of the pope

Joining a 12 step program to kick my coffee habit and getting laughed out of the room by all the guys addicted to porn

Day 14 of refusing my paycheck because I'm not entitled to the fruits of my actions

Everyone knows the game where you simply close your eyes. But have you tried holding that posture for seven, eight hours? Many find this terribly challenging

I've collected every manhole cover in the city and used them to construct a fearsome labyrinth. It is hundreds of meters across. Worse yet, all the manholes inside are exposed to the open air

Just shattered my femur in the jungle gym of my mind

Hauling a glob of Terro® liquid ant bait back to my nest

They're Putting Me Out To Pasture Tomorrow—And Here's Why That's A Good Thing

Starting a food blog called "The Many Flavors" where I discuss the various flavors

LENTILS ARE A NATURAL AGRICULTURAL PRODUCT . DESPITE USE OF MODERN CLEANING EQUIPMENT , IT IS NOT ALWAYS POSSIBLE TO REMOVE ALL FOREIGN MATERIAL , PLAYBOY

(sitting before a team of researchers while a series of abstract shapes flash onscreen) Woke. Anti-woke. Anti-woke. Anti-woke. Woke.

Anyone remember Mr Andrews? Us kids always used to pat him down after school on account of his excess moisture. Then one day we went to pat him down and he was sitting there dry as a bone. Finally gone to a doctor and they gave him a pill, a big pill. Didn't seem so interested in us kids after that

At the doctor's office poring over a big book titled "How to Kill"

(semi-truck makes an illegal turn and shatters every bone in my body) Under the thumb of life's little challenges once again...

The high courts have sentenced me to death for knowing a tenderness to turn the hearts of men just how a moment's gust would set the palm asway

Arranging a bunch of pebbles and twigs under a decorative cloche

When I get pulled over, I tell them I'm from the institute. Not sure if this helps, I just don't know any other way

Well, that's it for the technical interview! Just one more thing, let's see your algorithm. Go on, show me. Unlock your phone and let me see

Dumping a bucket of freshwater snails into a jar in my kitchen labeled "cashews and similar"

This guy just sits there and watches cricket all day

One of my crickets just molted, check that out

Hot showers? Those'll dry your skin out. So will gravity, which pulls all your natural oils to your feet. That's why I sleep oriented like a bat: to pull the oils back to my head. The oils allow me to think at much higher speeds. Tutorials and more info at reddit.com/r/theoils (not sponsored)

I believe that every animal actor should have an IMDB page. Even the wild ones that show up incidentally. Fish, birds, mosquitos

Sorry I can't make it, it's Sunday so I'll be down at the gully creeping like a worm

A tortoise came to my door today and told me it'd taken ten days to come up from the road. On the way, it had learned to find calm in the buzz of morning; bliss in the still of night. I asked if it would teach me. It took one look at my legs and said, no, these things would mean nothing to you

When I have only shoddy wares to peddle, I call them out with spirit. The sweetest apple! The finest barrette! Crowds huddle in from down the wharf to see what I have on offer. When my wares are splendid, I leave them be; the people dismiss themselves, proof of my skill. I've made not a dime

I've designed a new form of martial art where you simply admire your opponent's fighting stance as with the guiltless eyes of a child

"It's so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk" Buddy, I could fry an egg anywhere. Just name it, time and place. Do not step to me like that in front of my adult son

(car salesman to me) And if it helps you make a decision today, I'm happy to drop that fee and take that extra 500 off. (me to salesman) Thanks! Let me just check with my rich inner life. (me to myself) Think I should take this deal? (myself to me) this isn't really what i'm supposed to be for,

Your little walks are nothing like my little walks. You take yours like medicine; I feel billions of years bow and tilt in my ankles and my knees. I watch the ants patrol a rent in the blacktop and think, that could be me

There should be a drug that makes you feel a sense of overwhelming urgency. And you drink a big fat goblet of it as soon as you wake up

(to the Jersey Mike's worker) Now that's a dense sandwich. They teach you that here? You know, there's this crevice down by the quarry, and if I could fit in there somehow... I'd be absolutely tickled. How much do they pay you? You really packed this thing - shh, boss is coming. Talk later

Me: Hey man, want me to order us a pizza? My monk friend, who cares not for material things: 🙄 What kind of pizza? Me: 😞 Material pizza...

(taking a pill labeled Bliss) It's not like I need it. I could be happy without it, and I often am (taking a pill labeled Despair) It's just nice to see how the other half lives sometimes...

Fine, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. But you have to promise to give it back when you're done

(looking through the "soup by the squirt" section of the menu) yeah I'll have a squirt of the minestrone, one spritz of the clam chowder... maybe a sprinkle of your soup du jour?

Can I get you anything? Water, tea? Water's from the lake. Tea is also from the lake

Feels almost like I knew you all in a past life, long, long ago...