No, I don't do drugs, but I know the junkie's mind. When I help a wounded animal, that's like a drug to me. Exercising my civic duty in the voting booth is a hit of the strongest dope. Lastly, a rush like no other, is being role model to three charming and obedient nephews

Today on April 13th I propose the new American Standard Job. Any American can elect to take the Standard Job in lieu of a role in a specific trade, field, or industry. It is a 9-6 program: • 3 hours: emergency • 1 hour: lunch • 2 hours: progress • 2 hours: desperation • 1 hour: serenity

I am Steven Sonofgod, but my stage name is Deeply Restorative Sleep. In my former life as a physician, I was target of a malpractice lawsuit for my use of razor clams in the operating room. No jury yet has accepted that the clams went untouched during the procedure and so could not have been harmed

(establishing credibility in the electronics section of the walmart supercenter) They don't know me in the candy aisle, not near the cereal neither. I'm arm deep in the DVD bargain bin weekly. You know I'm always having them unlock the games, xbox, nintendo switch. And I'm NEVER in the candy aisle

I find that exposure to the elements increases the quality of my tea. After drying, I like to spread the leaves out somewhere in the suburbs, where the neighborhood coyotes are drawn to the pleasing aroma. However, this approach isn't without its flaws. I have been mauled viciously

As I wander group-to-group at this party, my mystical orb conveys insights that guide me in how best to navigate the social landscape. "This person is ignorant of portals", "This person has middling interest in portals", "This person cares not for portals"

Ancient Wisdom has fallen into desuetude; ignorance and folly pervade the public. We will fix this by creating a system of tradable property rights over Wisdom Artefacts to distribute Wisdom decision-making to stakeholders. And enforcing these rights with summary violence.

How I yearn to tell you about my oath of secrecy... but alas, my oath of oath of secrecy secrecy forbids it

Today I think I'll invent the "small bee", a bee 1/60th the size of a common bee. And its honey will be so sweet as to quell the maelstrom of a spurned heart... and exact revenge upon its malefactors

Ever since they imprisoned me in the eternal chamber, I've realized that what I used to love most about life was not being confined to a chamber for all of time. That said, I do now quite enjoy the daily minute of total focus I'm allowed by my keepers

My name's Gargantuan Miller, inventor of the One-Minute Total Focus method. Thanks to the OMTF program, millions of people are now enjoying one minute of total focus every day - and so can you. Why wait? Your minute of total focus can start right now

Customer, This email is regarding your database, which doesn't currently meet the 𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗺𝘂𝗺 𝘀𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁. To address this, you can add rows with simple strings like "TRUTH", "LOVE", or "EQUANIMITY". Failure to comply by the listed date will result in 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗶𝗺𝗺𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗳𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆.

Lately I've seen notes outside the maintenance closet complaining about the odor in the stairwell. That stink was decided by management months ago and cannot be changed. Actually, that's a lie; the stink comes from the rats nesting there, which I will not remove due to our bond of mammalian kinship

What up, name's Gregory Culpable... but on the streets they call me Allergen. Here in the studio working on my fat new album Christmas with Granddad. In school I learned the elements, but now I smoke tremor and slurp crude, I move different, I slither different, I made up a new one called Lithuanium

It's important not to get all your daily caffeine from the same source. If I'm coffee in the morning, I'm tea in the afternoon. If I'm tea in the morning, the tannins make me nauseous, so no afternoon coffee for me. And this is the way of things

(pulling you aside at a party) Hey, I know it feels like you have to say all that funny stuff, but you don't. You don't need to be such a joy at this party. No one's making you. You don't have to be so gracious with others or treat them with such humble dignity, seriously

Your Honor, as much as I would love to "do it normal this time", I believe the medium of dance is vital to my defense

"Chrome will relaunch in 56 minutes" Thank you for telling me that, but beings like me operate on the scale of millennia, so please don't take offense if I seem unmoved by your small affairs

My favorite thing about a book is when it "doesn't overstay its welcome". This is because of my overall hostility towards books

In the warehouse, I found out the tasks I take to most naturally are what the others call "monkey work". Someone will often shout "Monkey work!" and I'll rush over to be of some help. This is all fine, except I've heard them call this "scurrying", which does not square with my professional ethos

As one of two keepers of our order's gravest secret, it's my job to choose a successor if my counterpart reaches his end. As a believer in rebirth of the soul, I will select whoever I believe to be his next personage. Finally, as a proponent of experiential learning, I will turn my sword on myself

Before the rest of the diving team descend, I like to go down and rearrange the fish. I think the fish are very convincing when arranged this way, and quite pleasing to the eye. I'm hoping this will stir a love of nature in my colleagues, who often lambast me for having a tender heart

Has anyone seen the Beast of Murmurs lately? I already asked the Beast of Whispers, but I could barely hear them over that accursed Beast of Screams

𝐄𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐄𝐱𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐀𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐅𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟓 𝐹𝑜𝑟 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑏𝑖𝑡𝑡𝑒𝑟 𝑒𝑓𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑠— 𝐶𝑙𝑖𝑛𝑔𝑖𝑛𝑔, 𝐺𝑟𝑎𝑠𝑝𝑖𝑛𝑔, 𝐺𝑟𝑜𝑝𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑖𝑛 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑑𝑎𝑟𝑘

Every day I wake up and eat the flesh of the Fruit That Causes Harm. They always asked me why I ate of it, but I never knew why. After years of therapy and self-examination, I can finally say I eat of the harming fruit because it's so yummy to me it's delicious and it tastes soo good and yummy

If I were an optician, I would NOT shoot a jet of air into your eye. I would find a nonviolent (𝘢𝘩𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘢) way to perform the tests

My favorite MMO is RealmWorld. It has over a hundred different skills to develop, like woodcutting, woodcarving, woodshaving, woodthrowing, woodgreasing, woodburning, woodseeking, woodmeeting, wooddating, woodwedding, woodleaving, woodmissing, woodcrying, woodgrieving

Note: A previous version of this article referred to the subject in a disparaging tone. The author has since developed loving-kindness for all sentient beings and revised the article accordingly.

In my role playing game there are many Matches, which are made up of Rounds, which consist of Turns. Every Turn has four Quarter-Turns. There are several Actions in each Quarter-Turn, and each of those has multiple Moments. Moments are precious. Each one contains the entirety of one Existence

The blacksmith in our town's a sewer rat named Rat de Culvert, and though his hammer's strokes do fall with careful might, the townsfolk keep him far in word and quarters. Maybe it's his lowborn air, perhaps his ratly stink, but day by day I wonder how the nose could be more precious than the heart

I am but one of many Seasoning Stewards tasked with flavoring Her Majesty's meals. I employ the finest Black Peppercorns, precision-ground to suit each dish. Yet still her royal palate favors the White Peppercorn Steward who, despite the mild temper of his spice, is a heavy-handed brute

Today as a collaborative exercise my team and I traveled to the outskirts of the city and spake our individual vices into the void: "glory addiction", "glory obsession", "addiction to glory",

My love, I hope this letter finds you well. Things go nicely at the bog, and the other men are in good spirits. They say if we place our nets right we'll return with bog crabs enough for the county. But I confess, at times I suffer a sinister melancholy; I've taken to prodding the crabs with a stick

The neighborhood raff have grown replete on the exquisite aphids about my parterre

People who say herbal tea is caffeine-free invariably neglect to mention the ambient level of caffeine present in the tea around us

Me? I've got some hobbies, I guess. Adult stuff. Boring stuff. Beans, coins, the earth. Don't know much about computers. Don't care to. Don't know much about cell phones either, or electric guitars. Guitars of any kind, for that matter. Beans and the earth, enough for me. Coins I can live without

Spending 85 pages of my fantasy novel describing how humanity's armies come together to tie the laces on a single shoe of The World Giant, a creature I've invented to illustrate the futility of human endeavor in my fantasy novel. The shoes protect its feet from World Brambles, World Twigs, and so on

we're hitting some turbulence folks... not worried... bet I could fly this thing with my feet... well that's not true... I'm not some kind of monkey... a cockpit's no place for a monkey anyway... they don't let just anyone do this... takes time... and you gotta know a thing or two about the world...

(boss) I've noticed that you're forlorn. I've seen your window gazing. You're looking for meaning, but you won't find it out there. (tapping your monitor) You'll find it in the spreadsheets. (realizing it looks like I think the monitor is the computer, squatting and tapping the tower) The sheets

I've decided not to change the batteries in my smoke alarm to get back at my cretin neighbors for crunching around in the boneyard at unreasonable hours

38 keys on my keyring. They all look the same. Whenever I get home I thumb through and try each of them, one after another, before realizing this isn't my house at all. No, this is concept piece "Gun Box" by artist Demond Fritte, and it shoots me dead where I stand

Back off, man. I'm two stevia sodas in, and my inhibitions are basically kaput. I don't wanna hear one more thing about your wack cousin till these two stevia sodas are out of my system

The boys and I are getting together, each taking our favorite mode of transit. I'm in the Camry; Mike is taking the train; Lewis is cycling; and our friend Civônt will light a small lantern, bury it solemnly in a meadow, and weep

My old and trusted friend, Frembles Greaseheart, has once again posted a treatise on the door of the neighborhood Denny's. Included are three new doctrines: the original sin of the Denny's, the dependent origination of the Denny's, and the emptiness of self

Welcome to my mansion. Best beware of interlopers; let's sequester ourselves now to a secret room, where we may speak plainly of the pope

Joining a 12 step program to kick my coffee habit and getting laughed out of the room by all the guys addicted to porn

Day 14 of refusing my paycheck because I'm not entitled to the fruits of my actions

Everyone knows the game where you simply close your eyes. But have you tried holding that posture for seven, eight hours? Many find this terribly challenging

I've collected every manhole cover in the city and used them to construct a fearsome labyrinth. It is hundreds of meters across. Worse yet, all the manholes inside are exposed to the open air