Hey boss, I'll probably be late today. Yeah I got a lichen in my blood and now I experience Deep Time so it's hard to be certain on these timescales. Yeah the lichen should be out soon, just one Flourishing Cycle.

They should have been entombed with her

Evolutionary Psychology fails as a discipline because it assumes we're at the end of history; the better Darwinian hypothesis is that the human mind is a long-term maladaptive mistake and the true effect of natural selection will be to eliminate it and return our inheritors to the status of beasts.

It's important to remember, when you hear alarmism about the effects of social media, that it's the same arguments that were used when Very Serious People thought that watching too much TV as kids would melt Boomer and Gen X brains, and that these arguments were clearly correct.

In "Winnie-the-Pooh: After the Flood", our woodland friends emerge after a mysterious storm into a changed world. Eeyore teaches the others a lesson: no help is coming.

i saw mommy kissing ulamog, the ceaseless hunger

The big problem for the murder mystery genre is that they'll never be able to match the brilliance of the genre's first reveal (an orangutan did it).

Every evening my small family assembles into a tableau vivant depicting a scene from classical antiquity.

Yes, I'm sure you're enjoying listening to your innocent little pounding beats.. but with only the slightest orthographical shift, they become 'pouncing beasts'. Not so "radical" now, are they?

If you struggle with "small talk", just remember that "small" is in the name! Find something small near you, perhaps an ant, and narrate its actions, discuss its plans and motivations. Social success will follow.

the american gem society revoked my birthstone and gave me driftwood

"The Humanities"... my God. One was bad enough, and now you want MORE?

Revolutionising urban transport through "micromobility" (shrinking people down to 1/1000th of their natural size and shooting them around through pneumatic tubes).

Can't help but think that the profusion of baby clothes with alligators-riding-skateboards patterns is a case of the shadowy cabal behind the baby clothes industry "preparing the way" for the next phase of their plan for civilisation.

(At the bar) Sorry about my friend he emerged fully formed from a seed pod a couple days ago

“beware gentle knight,” watching the centipede gallop up the chrome halfpipe of a sink it has trapped itself in, “there is no greater monster than reason.”

YA books with "chosen one"-type narratives should only be allowed if they fully accept the Calvinist doctrines of Unconditional Election for the chosen despite the Total Depravity they share with the non-elect.

I like difficult people. All you gotta do is chew the dead skin off their feet. When they dip their toes into your pond. Let me help

Kids these days should spend less time on "YouTube" and more time on "GooTube" (the tube that oozes a mysterious goo).

Cucumbers are a dangerous crop because they can actually grow across the Veil Between Worlds if not trellised carefully.

Unfortunately, consumer protection legal reforms intended to limit the enforceability of lengthy form contracts which people don't really read have, as a side effect nullified The Social Contract. It is war of all against all now, a kingdom of wolves.

They've invented a pill that makes you arbitrary and unaccountable, a tyrant in your sphere.

hit em with the beam that makes them reflect on their actions

eye doctor put drops in and now i see the sins of men writ across their brow

People ask me: is it a burden, being so handsome? No. Not at all.

Getting my son a Word Of The Day calendar for Christmas in which, from around March, "Adversary" comes up once a week, then every other day from July, and then starting in mid October it's "Adversary" every day.

Sunflower seed in my shoe. Omen.

Computer that cherishes you. Computer of boundless empathy. Computer with open and infinite heart.

They've replaced me with a computer at work. It emits a low and soothing hum and makes no response when questions are asked of it. Co-workers realise, when waiting for an answer, that their question was ill-posed and reconsider their approach. Productivity is 📈📈📈.

I think I see your problem here - it's concepts. They're mediating your relationship to the world. I'm just gonna remove them real quick get that fixed up, you'll feel a sort of a pop.

Opinions? As entertainment? Vile concept.

Some say I have used my position as the editor of the community newsletter to produce "rambling diatribes" and "disturbing manifestos". This is proof that your neighbours and friends are not engaging with the newsletter in good faith, and are not to be trusted.

my large adult son fizzes in his beaker, insolent bubbles crackling at me from across the kitchen. "soda arc" he tells me, "soda mode". i caught him in the fridge mingling with a dr pepper. none of this is in god's plan

Just got a push alert that all my captives escaped

The more time you spend washing your hands, the less time you have for drying them. A man with wet hands is a man you can trust.

Toddler anecdote: 2.5-year-old awoke from a restless and sweaty sleep kind of scream/squealing "I don't wanna be a floppy man!"

Not going to read any fiction that will "rewire my brain". They put that wire there for a reason. To stop me becoming too powerful.

The chatter of birds, wind rustling the grass, even the hum of machinery - the world calls out to us always, but we shut our ears to it, we distract ourselves. The root of our spiritual sickness. Abolish Music #AbolishMusic.

Mouldering in my forgotten tomb for ten thousand years

"Introduce yourself with 5 animals you’ve seen in the wild". I've never been to "the wild". Wherever I am, there is civilisation.

Oh, sorry, I see where I've gotten confused - I've been running our conversation through my virtual reality World Without Blame. (We use it for root cause analyses of unexpected deaths in hospital.) I'll turn back on punitive cruelty and harsh judgment, should clear things up.

People keep asking me what I intended by naming my dog "Sufferin' Dog". It's not a mystery, just look at the creature.

An observer of toddlers will note that they constantly invent little nonsense jobs for themselves. Truly a devotion to pointless toil is in our nature.

Whoops! brought ruin on my bloodline.

"observe" is one of the most powerful commands that can be issued

Explaining to my boss that “focus, and resolve” are things I save for the evening when I get to work fashioning the perfect blade

An observation: toddlers all seem to rediscover, by reasoning from first principles, the importance of taking off your shirt before doing a big poop. Evidence for an a priori truth there. That Society makes us forget.

I think the missing piece of Integralist Natural Law theory is explicit gnosticism. Legislature as demiurge, direct mystical apprehension as jurisprudence. Then we can develop the proper rituals.

If you think of πνεῦμα as the all-pervading spirit which is the universal consciousness, we are all in a sense but tubes for it as it ever returns unto itself.

Shocking news about the youth: the new generation of "Puriteens" are emulating their Puritan forebears by having their ears cut off for writing pamphlets that question the King's prerogative powers. The Roundhead Look.