The thing about having two kids is, you always know there's a chance that the big one will eat the little one. You're ready for that. But you're never ready for if the little one eats the big one.

Dreamt that my wife had added necromancy to her most recent crochet project by putting human bones inside to make it a sort of undead golem. She was really excited about it.

It's important to pause, from time to time, and take a moment of pleasure in how authentically human the built environment is. Its ingenuity, and the care embodied in it. Nature is just awful, awful dreck, stay away from it.

Solving all societal problems by inventing a device that gives you a painful shock whenever you try to apply the concept of causation to observed events.

There's one thing that Communism and Capitalism agree on: workers' legs should be removed and replaced with crab legs to make them more productive. Can scuttle around under lower ceilings etc.

PARENTING HACK: I Promised My 3-Year-Old Son In Marriage To The "FOREST WOMAN" In Exchange For The Bounty Of Her Realm - Nuts And Seeds To Fill Every Snackbox!!!

Building my far right political campaign on the argument that government schools shouldn't be indoctrinating our children with their values; children should learn values the old-fashioned way, from a magical fish.

You have a "clip" from a roast of some public jester you wish to share? Marvellous. But... I am confused: you seem to be handing me your phone, instead of a sliver of their succulent flesh?

Worms surface

'the only way out is through' —someone who didn't spend six months digging a secret tunnel just in case

That lull in the ambient birdsong? Oh that's nothing, it's just that, whenever I pass, all the creatures of the wood and field pause what they're doing to subtly bow their heads to me. It's been happening ever since I formed the Correct Opinions About Politics.

Sorry about getting in the background of your photo - I'm afraid it will be quite ruined. There's a sort of glow that forms around my head in any image or depiction that draws the focus of the viewer. It's because I have the Correct Opinions About Politics.

Oh, thanks, you've noticed the recent new spring in my step? That's because I've just completed forming the Correct Opinions About Politics. It invigorates each muscle and adds force to my movements.

My new AI app is an old log lying by the side of the path. You sit on the log and you watch the creek flow.

AI can't produce insightful prose because the only true insight is to write nothing, say nothing. Tell me when there's an LLM that is silent in response to all queries.

this meeting could have been an email. i would read it over and over and smile

"One for The City, two for The Hive, three for The Jelly that keeps us alive, four for The Mayor, five for The Queen, Six for The Hand that remains unseen, Seven for The Cell, 8 for The Wall, and nine for The Gate that guards us all." -Bee Rhyme

Another letter from the local council. It just says "There is hope - but not for us" and then a map showing the entire council area has been rezoned as cemetery.

When you buy like thirty zucchinis people look at you different. They think of you as a serious person.

We should all take more pills.

Whale language LLM who is working on this

I find that exposure to the elements increases the quality of my tea. After drying, I like to spread the leaves out somewhere in the suburbs, where the neighborhood coyotes are drawn to the pleasing aroma. However, this approach isn't without its flaws. I have been mauled viciously

Update on this: baby got transformed into a crow, again. They still won't tell me whether this is success or failure.

Hidden Jim

As I wander group-to-group at this party, my mystical orb conveys insights that guide me in how best to navigate the social landscape. "This person is ignorant of portals", "This person has middling interest in portals", "This person cares not for portals"

Early in my career, a mentor told me the most important principle of management: if you want a team to work together, you have to make them all sleep in one big bed lined up in a row. And that has been the foundation of all my success.

Bittersweet to see the baby figuring out basic tool use. I'm very proud - but it reminds me that the Trial of the Crow is near, and our remaining time together may be short.

my foes are using trebuchet to sling vicious armored apes into my walled city

What people forget about the original books in the Railway Series is how often they mention that Thomas the Tank Engine is unbaptised. They never go anywhere with it, never draw any conclusions, but they mention it all the time.

for sale: baby shoes, heavily worn (we race them)

Responding to every follow-up question about legal advice I give at work with "Everything feels wet, when you've got wet hands."

I drank one beer at 2 PM and laid down and pulled the earth over me like a blanket and snow fell and grass grew and I turned into a little hill

stylistic analysis reveals gospel of mark most likely written by a linux guy

Life on Earth developed itself to create and sustain the perfect creature: the earthworm. As an ancillary work, Life developed Man to understand and admire the earthworm.

It's unfortunate that Charles Darwin died when he did, before he could complete what would've been his life's work: understanding worms.

I've got things to do in the driveway. You understand me son? I've got business in the driveway.

Sous les pavés, panneaux solaires chinois

A knock-knock joke written by my two-year-old: "Knock knock!" "Who's there?" "Dog." "Dog who?" "Dead. I think it's a dead dog."

Me and the boys milling around in a parking lot, unconsciously arranging ourselves into the optimal packing of 17 squares into a larger square.

Came back late to grab something from work and caught the boss folding up the office like a cardboard box and packing it into the boot of her car

Lunch and rumors of lunch...

Pilot over the intercom: behold.

People ask me, "Having a hot dog and a coffee while waiting for The Bus - does this glorify the Lord?". And the answer is Yes.

If you are driving a car and become angered by a bus this should be a You Must Change Your Life moment. The gentleness of this great beast, and its great indifference, should reveal you to yourself.

The skies are clement, soft sun through a gauze of clouds. The children are elsewhere and I've got four hours for an hour's worth of errands. A beautiful morning to join my fellow man on The Bus.

Getting a lot of community opposition from soi-disant environmentalists to the public charging infrastructure for my new invention, The Car That Runs On Vital Essences. Progress has many foes.

I've done it again. Sitting on a log which is part of a circle of logs with a smaller circle of rocks in the centre.

Blew my three leg parlay on omenbook, I got calf with the face of a man and a clap of thunder in a clear sky but no fucking two hawks fighting which is crazy because I figured hawks were always fighting

Fish swim after the thaw

If you have trouble falling asleep, imagine a human figure that represents your wakeful self. It is you, but shorn of reflection, patience, the capacity to dream. Now imagine yourself killing them with unrestrained violence, absolute brutality, straight up blunt force destruction.