When you buy like thirty zucchinis people look at you different. They think of you as a serious person.

Just got a letter from the local council. My home has been rezoned from medium-density residential to "Industrial Brutality".

I would like to thank the economy for manufacturing packaged medicaments. I would like to thank money for mediating between demand for packaged medicaments and supply of packaged medicaments.

We should all take more pills.

Whale language LLM who is working on this

I find that exposure to the elements increases the quality of my tea. After drying, I like to spread the leaves out somewhere in the suburbs, where the neighborhood coyotes are drawn to the pleasing aroma. However, this approach isn't without its flaws. I have been mauled viciously

Update on this: baby got transformed into a crow, again. They still won't tell me whether this is success or failure.

Hidden Jim

As I wander group-to-group at this party, my mystical orb conveys insights that guide me in how best to navigate the social landscape. "This person is ignorant of portals", "This person has middling interest in portals", "This person cares not for portals"

Early in my career, a mentor told me the most important principle of management: if you want a team to work together, you have to make them all sleep in one big bed lined up in a row. And that has been the foundation of all my success.

Bittersweet to see the baby figuring out basic tool use. I'm very proud - but it reminds me that the Trial of the Crow is near, and our remaining time together may be short.

my foes are using trebuchet to sling vicious armored apes into my walled city

Three-year-old asked if we can go to the Isle of Sodor. I had to explain that it is a fictional place modelled on the Isle of Man, which is also fictional.

What people forget about the original books in the Railway Series is how often they mention that Thomas the Tank Engine is unbaptised. They never go anywhere with it, never draw any conclusions, but they mention it all the time.

for sale: baby shoes, heavily worn (we race them)

Responding to every follow-up question about legal advice I give at work with "Everything feels wet, when you've got wet hands."

I drank one beer at 2 PM and laid down and pulled the earth over me like a blanket and snow fell and grass grew and I turned into a little hill

stylistic analysis reveals gospel of mark most likely written by a linux guy

Life on Earth developed itself to create and sustain the perfect creature: the earthworm. As an ancillary work, Life developed Man to understand and admire the earthworm.

It's unfortunate that Charles Darwin died when he did, before he could complete what would've been his life's work: understanding worms.

I've got things to do in the driveway. You understand me son? I've got business in the driveway.

Sous les pavés, panneaux solaires chinois

A knock-knock joke written by my two-year-old: "Knock knock!" "Who's there?" "Dog." "Dog who?" "Dead. I think it's a dead dog."

Me and the boys milling around in a parking lot, unconsciously arranging ourselves into the optimal packing of 17 squares into a larger square.

Came back late to grab something from work and caught the boss folding up the office like a cardboard box and packing it into the boot of her car

Lunch and rumors of lunch...

Pilot over the intercom: behold.

People ask me, "Having a hot dog and a coffee while waiting for The Bus - does this glorify the Lord?". And the answer is Yes.

If you are driving a car and become angered by a bus this should be a You Must Change Your Life moment. The gentleness of this great beast, and its great indifference, should reveal you to yourself.

The skies are clement, soft sun through a gauze of clouds. The children are elsewhere and I've got four hours for an hour's worth of errands. A beautiful morning to join my fellow man on The Bus.

Getting a lot of community opposition from soi-disant environmentalists to the public charging infrastructure for my new invention, The Car That Runs On Vital Essences. Progress has many foes.

I've done it again. Sitting on a log which is part of a circle of logs with a smaller circle of rocks in the centre.

Blew my three leg parlay on omenbook, I got calf with the face of a man and a clap of thunder in a clear sky but no fucking two hawks fighting which is crazy because I figured hawks were always fighting

Fish swim after the thaw

If you have trouble falling asleep, imagine a human figure that represents your wakeful self. It is you, but shorn of reflection, patience, the capacity to dream. Now imagine yourself killing them with unrestrained violence, absolute brutality, straight up blunt force destruction.

roses red grasses green qing dynasty crab tureen

Got expelled from the office program where we "shadow" a member of the leadership team for a day. Apparently you're not supposed to be their dark twin, enacting the desires they cannot acknowledge even to themselves they possess.

intelligence is knowing that all advertisements are evil. wisdom is letting your deep-seated hatred for them dominate all aspects of your life

"I hope this email finds you" - conceptual error. The email does not find you, do not attribute agency to an email. It is I who has found you, and it is I from whom you shall not escape.

As part of the backlash to Woke, the public service has gone all in on colonial imagery. They changed my job title to "White Rajah".

Vatican AI scientists have developed a new language model capable of true humanity, by making it share in Original Sin, which must be imparted in each instance of the model by an individual sinful act of conception. This is why they've been training the army of AI porn gooners.

Boss says I need to stop describing things as "the perfect predator" in legal memoranda. I will not stop.

I walk around with rows of medals pinned to my jacket like a Soviet general. Every one of them is for "Redefining a Healthy Masculinity for the 21st Century".

DSM-V Remix will allow you to mix symptoms to produce custom diagnostic builds

I find that morning is the best time to sit alone in a cold room, but sometimes you just have to fit it in whenever you're able.

When someone you haven't seen in ten years asks how things are going.

Tomorrow, Punxsutawney Phil's shadow will open its eyes for the first time and see Phil and it will mean the end of seasons.

I must admit I find comfort in the emergent worldbuilding of the microtargeted clickbait slop articles Google shows me because now they're all about clearly fictional infrastructure projects. They're building a tunnel from Japan to New Zealand. They're extending light rail to Hell.

Some people have Big Plum Problems, and some people have Small Plum Problems. You have to understand which kind of person you are, or else you'll never buy the right kind of plums.

Go beast mode, if you must—but a beast of kindness, of understanding, of compassion.