They should put an outlet in the fridge so you can keep your condiments charged

They should make an app that makes your phone screen rough like sandpaper

Odysseus shifting in his chair when the patient intake questionnaire asks “In the last SIX MONTHS have you been bound as you stand upright on a cross-piece half way up the mast, and with the rope's ends lashed to the mast itself”

Just to be clear I have a lot of enjoyment and appreciation for scenes from nature, pet dog or cat, praise for a movie, music, a book; pride in a friend's or relative's accomplishment; condolences for someone who has died; pleasure in sports, acclaim for a favorite team; references to history.

Cuck Schumer anybody think of this yet

Following every person on LinkedIn who lists their job title as Sensei

Today’s game is brought to you by the empowerment of the next generation with Skoal’s Dare To Dip Challenge

C + C Music Factory stands for Cake + Candles Music Factory and they only make remixes of Happy Birthday

Your performance in the Soup & Broth curriculum may allow you placement into Chili Studio

Advanced analysis as identified this data as pretty chill

Slicing up some petrified bread

you come to my city, you gotta check in with me! Nobody walks around Zoobilee Zoo without me knowing

Great show, is it shit?

All the babies and the animals loved and cared for in the Joy Nexus

Look kid, you can break dairy aisle shoppers into two groups: jacketchads and shivercels

Standing Outside a Broken Mall Santa Display With A Pine Cone in My Hand

me: do you give a discount for cool karate moves? cvs cashier: uhh we uhh me: (spinning two poufs like nunchaku)

My cool Emirati doctor wrote me a prescription for Falconry

(Old timey London cop): what’s this? Reuptake? *blows whistle* Inhibit!

Bing bong youtube.com/shorts/XB-Dz...

I’m improving my financial literacy* *- Typing ‘$’ repeatedly with Yahoo Finance open

Me and the other urchins, stumbling along the town road, taking pulls off a yard of gruel

Your use of the UberEats app has been blocked by Leftovers Mutumbo: “Eat that soup you made, then we can talk delivery”

I think I might have just hit a Paddington with my car. I think it's okay, it flew way off in the air in a humorous slapstick kind of way and went perfectly through a window. I don't know man, I'm freaking out.

If the earth stood still for a day I’d be chill about it. “You deserve a day, Gaia” #canigetyousomethingtodrinkgaia #ihaveteaorwater

Asking my boss if he’s seen any new webinars drop

To enjoy fresh fruit, mankind will go to grape lengths

Adding a ramekin of gravel to my charcuterie board to keep my guest’s crops in tip top shape #crophealth

can't stop laughing at this

Pacing around on my roof in a wolf man costume, sending candy to trick-or-treaters down a loose piece of downspout

Does lead exposure make you a MAGA Republican? A non-controlled N=1 investigative study

Thanks, you like it? Yeah the whole shirt is semolina flour, I mean it's clearly woven pasta, but yeah if I get sweaty enough I get to eat it on the bus ride home

*smoke detector goes off while cooking* (Me, suddenly speaking in a Cajun accent): dat dere’s the easy smoke, come offa dere easy. Just keep on cookin right through dat

Not 100% sure but I think my dentist is using my mouth for scrying

Calling out of work due to a Small Craft Advisory

Sending a link with thenewyorker in the URL will get you banned from Dunce Chat

(counting the 1s and 5s in my wallet): Yah I’m in my Comptroller Era

I’ve ruined lunch by responding to the waiter’s “how’s everyone today?” with “my foregut is SOAKED with enzymes”

siri search weed vape that is also a midi flute

Wendy’s drive thru: do you want any sauce? me: Bar be cue Wendy’s: how many? Like one or two? me: dealer’s choice, be free Wendy’s: (tosses four into bag) me: Step into Liquid

If a bird were to get online, there’d be little we could do except hold out until they invariably lose interest in the lack of peckable vittles

Starting a fitness studio based on trick-or-treating by branding it as CandyCross

My favorite actor? You’ve probably never heard of him: Ballistico gel Torso

Jacksonville gets a bad rap but you should see jacksoffville

(to barber): cut it like I have a favorite file format

Asking the drive thru for a SITREP

I’m not as fleet of foot as I’d thought I’d be by donning windsocks

Yassferatu

Soundgarden lyrics are all words from labels at the gas station, Pearl Jam lyrics are all about how society shuns a grown man who wants to walk around with a balloon