Waiter telling me that the chef is in a cooldown and cannot prepare the Special

While sci-fi depicts a dystopian future, I would rather enjoy writing the return address on my outgoing mail as a quadrant or sector

We are your office admins 💁💁 We wear bodysuits 👯 We transit the office via cartwheel 🤸🤸🤸🤸

Rest in peace to a real ass airline, the only ones who’d let you use an air fryer in your seat

We’re going to convert NRG stadium field to a native prairie and spend 3 hours every Sunday watching wild horses graze

Ice Cold Mirepoix LaCroix

(pouting at bank): I just thought this would be more of a Money Buffet situation

Ahhh sorry I’m late, my Alexa didn’t remind me because it got diarrhea

(tapping on the glass wall of conference room): What’s good in the brine my shrimps?

swimming swamp laps to get that perfect bog body

My nanosponge SlakeShirt can capture over four pitchers of water thus dominating any wet t-shirt contest

Painted marble Burger King with shaker of whole mustard seeds and pump garum

@burgerking.com Bring back the flame grilled fatberg!

Pulling a katana out of my golf bag

I like to imagine us as creatures on the seafloor feasting on a whale fall

CommercialBurger served with business fries

mfw I'm chillin in the garden

(pointing to banana sticker): that’s fruitmother

Investors are flocking to cryptocorns

HR wants to talk to me about the missing toners and why I renamed the conference room MAGENTA REALM

I support a platform of prism abolition - Jennifer Ellipsoid

(greeting Michael McDonald): what’s good my yahmo?

Doctors will telegraph their hobbies by the magazines in their waiting room, mine has “Biking in circles in the cul-de-sac Quarterly”

(after thoroughly googling to be sure I don’t insult sanitation professionals while driving): great blinker work wasteman

While no one likes to see the gore, polar bears play a key role in killing off the weakened and sick Santas

stuck in the goatscape

Broccoli-haired guy manning a booth at the horticultural fair: Grindscapes “Actually native plants fr fr” “Generational reduction in water use” “Pollinatormog your neighbor”

Institute of Arbitrary Diets announces Top Diet of Spring 2026: "Anything you can bring to the office in a Garment Bag" Top picks include - Lavash - Kelp sheets - Planar soup (unreleased)

Devils Wears Prada 2 has an unnecessary and needlessly cruel cameo from the USPS NGDV

Rumors abound of a fresh produce hag on the road to GroceryCitadel

Baby let me take you on a date to the Center of Excellence

Stone-eater mother at the harbor yelling at her kids not to fill up on riprap

(community garden leader): in caring for these plants, we not only reconnect to nature and its rhythms but also claim the land from which we’ve been alienated (me drinking from the top of a watering can I’ve filled with beer): ehyup

Guys, we can defeat them if we lock arms and, on the count of three, activate our proton pumps

Hi, yeah, I’d like to place a pickup order for a Variety of Outcomes

Ever since I was a kid I dreamt about filling up at a named gas station en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helios_...

(Daniel Plainview voice): I consider myself a tooth man, I’ve got dental eruptions coming in all over my body

Although popularized by the Polyphonic Spree, The Cars were the first band that had a Cleric

I think these mourning doves were about to get amorous

Dentist sent my on my way with a friendly squeeze of the tongue and a slap on the back teeth

When you order fast food you should tell them which of their various mascots you would recognize as a your gang leader

accidentally 3d printed a stranger in my house

Orlando Manic

I'm demonstrating proper neti pot technique on your Ring camera

Has anyone tried the Premuim Tears you get from looking at stuff on Sad+?

Me and the hybrids are at IHOP clamoring for nutritional disks

Rebranding my cubicle as Email Studio

Sending a taskrabbit to get some flips in for me at the trampoline park

Tapping on the other cars on Google Maps and selecting "Block User's Access to Maps"