Unless you perform it on yourself with a spirit blade, it’s just a necropsy

Two blood soaked bandages are literally the logo of the Red Cross and you’re throwing a fit because there’s one in your coffee?

I’m being retrieved back on to the boat by a great ladle

The Cool astronaut used his Personal Effects pocket to bring a little grass

Add some structure to your bouquet by including a full stalk of corn

me, to dentist: this gown is more like a bib, but I figured I’d speed things up by disrobing in advance

We all know Lando Calrissian has an Armenian surname, but did you know: - Artou Detoux (French) - See threepie Oh (Korean) - Han So Lo (Chinese) - Chuba Ka (Ghanaian)

voice-controlled house requiring hourly repeats of "detect smoke"

America needs a leader whose cousin installed a jailbroken OS for the wrong device type and now her phone is stuck in landscape orientation

2021 Nissan Altima Engine: I4 2.5L Drive: Front-Wheel Engine: Gas Notes: Cannot be Warded, +3 to chaos magic cast by occupants

US ANNOUNCES PLANS TO WIPE HANDS WITH PREMOISTENED TOWELETTE - #$GLOP #$GUNK #$SCUZZ all down in after hours trading

(Shyly, to airline counter worker after they announce the next boarding group): hey…i liked your poem

(Reracking barbell, sending a dozen figurines and baubles scattering that I’ve placed on the weight racks for some reason): Haugh! My trinkets!

(!) Beautiful Scent Nearby

Maybe they’re just trying to enrich it into their hometown element Iranium

my buddy Dial: too many numbers homophone, 1 2 4 8 me: I hear ya Dial: 6 me: is that a– Dial: Sixual Congress

New prints in

me: it’s so hard to pick, everything on the menu looks so good! What are you going to get? James Blake: I mUsT beE slEEpiNg bcoZ it feEls LiKe I’m DrEAmiNg waiter: you guys ready to order? James Blake: a PaRt of me iS gONe and a PaRt of YoU hAs gROwN me: uh we need a minute

(Explaining calculator to nephew, pointing to multiplication symbol): this button looks like it closes a window, but if you use it on a couple of your favorite numbers …. phew …. watch out! (nephew points at division symbol): uhh that one we don’t like, it hurts the numbers

Cloud Sec-hair-ity: Preventing Hackers from Accessing your Smart Hat

Mathematicians be like: Assume a stuffed pasta filled with contents called X-a-roni

SOC2-ah comply on that thang

Chatter around the dugout tells of a Shadow Fielder

Whoever had 2qt 22oz please check your DMs to claim your prize

The country club doesn’t have a Sheer policy, but we gotta get you some pasties Karl

They confirmed I’m not descended from Pyotr the Chill Hang or Katarina the Amicable, it’s Spectavius the Pedantic

We have to face all of this without the help of Meta VR’s Gas Pump Simulator

Spirit flight attendant walking down the aisle offering memberships to the Jettison Club

Before Chuck Norris died, he gave a full marital arts rundown, including kill moves, to George Santos

The only thing I’m feeling at the pump is sips don’t cost

going on jeopardy! and never moving a muscle

Serf in the VIP section throwing hay and drinking switchel

Yeah of course there’s mallgoths, it’s a dead mall

Setting my Slack status to “DnD - LOCKED IN” and then just doing this

These are my kids Linkin, Chester, and Crawlynn

Banned for life but I can say conclusively that the joust is easily won by a skilled archer at Medieval Times restaurant

Featuring the Classic Hits, Serpent Safari and Serpent USA

Cabbage harvester.

My new LED lighting

“I thought it would be ok since we’re inside a building and it’s nighttime” — baseball player arrested for not wearing a hat

We only had the Men’s Wearhouse guy in a tracksuit saying “you’ll like how ya look, It’s a lock!”

Me: Option call Exxon Mobil? No matter how you contact her, I’d say leave bad romances in the past Bound and gagged Investment Banker, trying to explain he trades securities and not equities: MMmhph mrrrmph Me: ok, a little crowdwork? sure,

Bolsonaro in ICU with dutch elm disease

You think after a long day Olimar twists the head off a pikmin and drinks the innards?

Villager woman outside the gas station offering to tell my fortune by scrying the colors in my skittle bag

Alice Seddendon

(Michael McDonald voice): I keep. Forgettin. What’s on my grocery list

(Sitting in car with salesman): So not only does this seat let me drive the car, but all the windows too???

In-store purchases have a dearth of laudatory emails