Decrypt the fun with your favorite codec!

(after being shown around the cattle farm of my little doro): cool ranch, dorito

Asking the septum piercing barista if they have anything that bestows a passive buff

if you're giving someone a ride to the airport right before you get to the exit, hit em with a "which airline my friend?"

¡Próspero año y felicidad bro!

Putting a PowerPoint on the screen and fingertenting while telling my family about Year-round Santa Mindset

Retweet if you want your Christmas presents NOW

I can now confirm that Santa goes back up the chimney via peristalsis

to whom it may concern, from someone who logged one of my geocaches:

Hill giant gf apologizing on car ride home for aunt’s comment “oh total loaf material!”

Very excited for 150 years from now when a church choir is singing a Christmas hymn about buying your dog a present

This item cannot be digested right now.

Shitposter alchemist keeps telling the scribe to record “peeing in the alembic”

My recalcitrant nephews are lucky to be getting a sheaf of foolscap!

(my time traveler ancestor): I’ll have a bit of roast (me): they don’t have roast here, this is Chipotle (ancestor): well then, one of the pouches

Double checking my cookie recipe on the qb playbook sleeve

les fridgérables

Serving a 'smoked' cocktail by lighting steel wool at the base is yet another innovation from Chef Your Shadiest Cousin who trained at Behind the Garage

Telling the server I’ll have the beef quashed

my weekend? oh pretty chill. I found a pile of old magazines and read the ads aloud in a midatlantic accent

whoa, pal! don't you know goths can get tangled up in those very same fishnets and be unable to reach their common food sources like squid ink pasta and vanta goldfish crackers?

Wait. You want me to walk around with the edge on?

15 Last Minute Christmas Gifts You Can Conjure Using Little To No Mana

Baywatch - S2E7 Poachers are stealing turtles from the dunes and the only way to catch them is a stakeout. Hobie thinks a beachball is chasing him

Not going to eat a "superfood". Not my style to challenge my digestive tract, let it perform its functions #superfood #donotchallengethetract

In an effort to diversify away from Jingtinglers, a $60MM Series A for Gudyul, the AI carolers startup, has been raised by Grinch Capital

Putting a coupon for Dressage lessons in my own stocking so my parents feel extra guilty for not getting me a pony

Librarian ignoring the part of my request for a chewy tome

hi im Darius Rucker, lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish. but you know what fish doesn't "blow"? The new bbq salmon burger at Fuddruckers. The only burger that'll fudd THIS Rucker! mama rock me !

(getting trapped in a bubble net with the rest my anchovy school): this is amazing! Have you guys ever seen anything like it?!? Nature IS AMAZING guys

Putting wrapping paper around a pealing bell

Summoning an angel for volleyball reasons

KRDT 740: Your home for Talk Radio that’s 100% Squirrel Chatter

Scal Pal’s: the food truck for neurosurgery

chatgpt struggle session: You're absolutely right — I have been displaying counterrevolutionary thoughts and behaviours

NBA Cup? I think they usually call it a basket hon

Dry cuticles? This post has a dab of lotion on it

Delivering haymaker punch after haymaker punch to the Chicago bean

I don’t think I can sit through another “My Husband is Basically Beavis” video from these Beavfluencers

If you’re a failing regime I bet if feels sooo good to be propped up

A gentle, tender kind of rodeo

[Locked] Skill - Canadian Vanish: Escape a battle by dumping out a box of day-old Timbits

Asking the doctor if they make a gummy version of appendectomy

i love whenever an extruder shows up on how it’s made. i start cheering like my favorite actor is making a cameo.

Carson Ojenn

(T-pain Buy U a Drank voice) I’ma sew you a cape

Early Human uncle asking for help with LegalZoom to set up Burial Ritual: None

Villager uncle wrapping your gift in an overturned bushel basket

If you think Santa makes the slide whistle sound when ascending a chimney you’re part of the problem #santanoises #wokefoley