every team in major league baseball should just be a different color sock

Doctor accidentally prescribed me a Proton Pump Excitor and now my duodenum is forging rubies

(guy fighting a serious unguent addiction, seeing an argan oil display in the window): I could have a little midmorning anoint

Alfalfa: meaning “towards the falfa”

“Coach, looking back on the first half, what did you see out there?” “I saw a cute spider on the way into the locker room, and while he’s not for me, I think he’d be a really great boyfriend”

Putting a sign on a conference room door “DO NOT OPEN - Bird Trapped Inside”

My doctor prescribed me being towed behind a boat

That’s my compost guy Rot Steward

Limited Liability Contraption

With the TractPro sleeping bag you can easily enter and exit using PoweredPeristalsis™

With Chris Collingsworth as Cigarette Aunt

This dr bronners bottle could have been an email

once they invented smartphones society no longer had a need for the spinning gas station sign

If you lose track of which one you’re speaking to, you can pull up the WhichQuaid app

the guys at the parking lot peel out car show were not very appreciative of my conestoga wagon

I dreamt the North Carolina Special, pitching in a baseball game while smoking a cigarette

RIP Bruce Loose!!! Flipper forever youtu.be/1WSSr59tr7U?...

Update Successful? Sure

it helps ME focus, but my co-workers are distracted by my Fidget Scimitar

Spiralizing an entire pumpkin into a trick-or-treater’s bag

It ended badly for me last time, but I’m getting a craving for some bait

When I board the plane I tell the pilot, “I’m starting by tipping you five, and every time we hit turbulence that means you get one less Tommy Bahama shirt”

I’m in the break room seeking nutrients

Mr. Exceptional Attribute

physician, bbl thyself

IF YOU SEE THIS stop scrolling make sure you have enough gravel in your crop to grind your food for digestion #cropcheck #haveyoupeckedenoughgraveloffoftheground

Up in the club in a mo cap suit, telling everyone “right now you’re dancing with a dinosaur “

This doctor is just DYING to scan me with a beam, so thirsty to measure the differences in the rate of relaxation of nuclear spins following their perturbation by an oscillating magnetic field

Haha no it’s not buzzword bingo, it’s 3 bucks a card, player. watch the zoom chat for the calls

location type: cafe distance: < 10 mi reviews: "sparkling substance"

Because your request deals with Dark Data Science you'll need to file the ticket on Evil JIRA

The giant water elemental at the lake is letting the townies jetski up his leg

Surgeons, bunch of gut rummagers

my boss: ok, any questions? me: (emptying turkey baster full of coffee into my mouth) *huc* *COUGH* *coughcoughcough*

Two pack music.youtube.com/watch?v=7Fto...

Up in the club In my tricorn hat

I've got that post nasal drip 🤘🤙 you feel me. Post nasal pimp

Scientists struggle to understand why this local McDonalds is completely enveloped in a biofilm

Powerfully chest passing you a rustic sourdough loaf

I'm in the club listening to the brown note

Well, he’s one of the lesser wizards, he works at the pull-a-part and uses his seer stones to find alternators for 1998 Acura TLs

On UberEats, searching for a headbutt

[HGTV Voice] _He_ wants to add a sunroom and a water feature, _she_ wants to add a Foundry

Yoking my uncle to the Costco cart

I know this sounds strange but I’m really starting to like my captors

Everyone in the forest is talking about that gnome with a lift kit

In a meeting just going to town on an oak plank with a handsaw

Asking my doctor for bug fixes and performance improvements

my cousin said you can abandon your skateboard in tony hawk and walk to a secret grocery store