Recommending everyone try Montessori fireworks, where you rapidly turn flashlights on and off pointed at handfuls of flour thrown in the air

When we record history we try to be NICE, we don’t write about things like when Betsy Ross sewed the flag into her bustle

(approaching a home depot employee helping a customer): y’all talking about Sartre’s No Exit?

Instead of fireworks, my aunt is going to light off an oil drum-sized scented candle

Applaud when the plane lands? I applaud through the whole flight

Hillborn & Hillborn: The giantess lawyers who actually fight for you

Dumping a gallon of water into the grill while assuring everyone it’s filled with delicious millimeter-long brine shrimp

(knocking on gas station cashier’s glass enclosure): Do you have any Perfect Snacks? Anything for Anytime Snacking?

The top of any grill can double as a melodic steel drum if you bang hard enough

Sometimes when you read a @guns.bsky.social post, it’s very funny to imagine it ending with the sound of a gun cocking

When you see the glowing fish outline under the water, Press X to receive advice from the LifeGar

Pirates have captured and are now demanding a significant ransom for Tommy Bahama

they executed sonny bono for the bicentennial and we can't even give a single a celebrity a cigarette burn for 250

Due to nanny state regulations, it’s only Disneyworld and not Disneyland where Mickey can brand you with a red hot iron

To boost sales in China, Creed re-recorded many songs changing the lyrics from referencing Jesus to Mao Zedong

Your football chant was successful! It has blessed your center back with INDEFATIGABLE ZEST

Just set a new PR for Buffoon Press

Passing 4 mason jars into the drive thru window so I can pretend the burgers are fireflies

Unsurprising TripAdvisor reviews for the Loud Droning Lodge

Mid-beast-year check in: How awake was your beast in Q2? How might you awaken your inner beast more in Q3?

Comprehensive monitoring and alerting of your jests and japery with ClownOps

I will not let my dog CONCEALED CARRY MY dog will control a TURRET with his MIND

who him? that's just the Perfect Boy from Melping

“and what do your parents do? Are they administrators at a more prestigious school?” - The Striving Teacher

My record-setting sailboat, the first to be 100% encrusted in barnacles

Salesdwarfs drinking at a tavern called Quartersend

I’ll take my steak cooked to an ExecutiveCrisp

(pilgrim prayer voice): Idle Canine, oversee my tasks

New research indicates smoking may not be as bad as they say: Read the latest from Dr. Puff

Taking a pre-club selfie in the Menards lighting section

As we discussed in the intro call, this next part of the interview will be conducted with your vocoder on

Chummer’s Stenchwich

Saw your scribe plying the parchment with a store brand QuillMax

Putting "Lard Shroud" on so if my opponents veil shatter they'll get the Greased debuff, then hopefully I can recall the Candle Master to trigger Wickening

Lashing a timber to my wheelie carryon bag for a mighty bowsprit

(scientist looking up from microscope): its crud….lethal crud

It’s never wrong to characterize a sporting event as a battle between 22 skeletons

(bragging on a date): my friend is the head chef at probably the nicest restaurant in SeaWorld

You have met GARY ⚠️ You have used all your available GARY slots Please select a GARY to forget

Women don’t want a guy with a fast car, they want aa guy with a car whose VIN can be factored out into Angel Numbers

Telling myself I’m not at work, I’m at CoworkerFest

Yes pauper slay pauper

a good enough prayer should toll the bell

Soda Río: the soda whose origins are undisputably riparian

Ya gotta hear it at least once before the month is up music.youtube.com/watch?v=oJyB...

No table, I won’t be dining at the buffet. I’ll just be dipping the ladle in the tureen to splash around a little bit

(bard seeing junk mail with “Get up to $1500” on it): mark this day well! A golden tide laps at our shores (after reading fine print closely): Fie! Fie, to you unmeritorious Schwab

In the strip mall next to Marshall’s they opened a ChuteWorld. “ChuteWorld: Slide down and see where you land”

everyone goes crazy for it, but I can't get into chum

Add a protective cover for your Nub?