when you're in the ER and a doctor yells clear that means he's a scientologist

I love it when you guys rattle your little tin cups against the bars. It’s like being at STOMP

people talk about the mediterranean so so much (probably because of the beautiful climate and excellent food) but very few people are willing to discuss the subterranean and that can make life very isolating for mole-like creatures such as myself

im a lot like randy rainbow

Maurice grey and auguste poupon were lovers

It's fucking great trying all these different cocktails.

when I think about my favorite new release from 2025—and there were a lot of really good ones—if im being honest with myself about the most enjoyable movie watching experience i had it would probably be the new naked gun movie

this is how she's supposed to look

Some people say my new friend Pamela Pear needs to back up her claim that she has the biggest ass in the universe but to them I say: prove it's not

My new friend Pamela Pear has the biggest ass in the universe ☝️😌

testing

im #bettingonanal

Carolina Pinkholl United States, Germans to America Index, 1850-1897

this is where the magic happens

I like the hyundai tail lights that look like doggy bones

there's a house so haunted it's said that if you press your ear to the walls and listen very carefully you can hear the words GET OUT and for the most receptive among us, those with the sixth sense, it does it in elaine benes voice

my wicked witch friend told me your favorite song is bawitdaba

stripes making a big comeback 2026 i predict

milk bottle cap, 1992

I was given no choice here

thank you for happy new year

why is kalamata the olive we settled on. in this post black-and-manzanilla-only world. how did they become the third common olive. whose dick did they suck

this was the only tweet from 2025 I could find that I took a screenshot of because I liked it instead of to dunk on it

there's a guy who advocates for shooting at things with a gun instead of picking them up with your hands who searches the phrase shooting at it with a gun and likes your tweet if you're expressing a positive sentiment about his passion

Guy who won’t take a shit because he doesn’t want to “break the seal”

the taco bell bell beefer fucked my wife

me, a certifiable dumbass, leaving all my coats in columbus because it never gets cold in louisville at the end of december

I accidentally hung this hook upside-down 5ish years ago with every intention of turning it rightside-up posthaste and short story short I need to be out of this apartment by thursday

tech people really scraping the bottom of the barrel for bad evil not good lord of the rings references to name their startups after

the guy who says wipeout in the song wipeout must be one zany sonofabitch

do you guys like ads

this is what things were like a year ago

think about miss piggy's place in popular culture and she's just universally acknowledged as a total babe. now think about the fact that this was a gag ("lipstick on a pig") when the muppet show started. she is a pioneer that moved that needle via sheer grind she really did this. she's really her.

Thirsty Dog!/Thirsty Cat! (1994-1994): Liters of lightly carbonated bottled water made specifically for pets, containing vitamins and flavorings ("crispy beef" for dogs, and "tangy fish" for cats), but FDA approved for humans consumption, and even certified kosher.

I found a alien

traveling during the holidays is rough because everyone is taking a break from making content for me to listen to while I travel during the holidays

I have to do night plumbing

And Macaulay Culkin, who plays Home, he gave everything

they used to malt a lot more things than we do now. hardly anything gets malted today. maybe we'd be happier if we were malting

I only learned about that awful awful slippers song like a week ago and it's been stuck in my head

many of my friends are red and green pilled this time of year

Double checking my cookie recipe on the qb playbook sleeve

Giddy up jingle horse pick up your feet sounds like something my homophobic equestrian teacher would have said to my gay horse in highschool

You say the name tea leoni in my presence you're gonna have to pause for about 30 seconds while i run this full jingle in my head before I can start listening again youtu.be/rYBNJ4INV1Q?...