Judy Greer is coming for you, Krabs

fruits used to look more fucked up til we yassified their asses

Wired I can make offensive images too. Hire me

[chanting in global language]

🔍 How to look less weird ms teams

it's thundering & lightning

when I was younger I dreamt of a chair made for leaning. now they got those but they look nothing like my prototype

please kill me

in a groundbreaking, world-first surgery, the two wolves inside my large adult son have been successfully euthanized. he now exists within a never-before imagined frame of morality; operating under ethics free of our lupine duality. what will he do now? i hope he convinces his mother to take me back

I want a bumper sticker that says "don't blame me I bought this before toshihiro mibe went crazy" for my honda civic

they got themselves a whole ass lilith fair in there

I've developed a use for ethernet cables that makes 7 of the worst people to ever walk the earth richer than god and everyone else want to kts

gay kid rock singing about brah wit da brah....

where my stanburgens at (mary steenburgen stans)

how millennials and gen z killed the paper industry

society could be inventing newer, more advanced kinds of toilet paper right now instead of doing all this

nowadays even politics isn't free from being politicized

all my curios are more remarkable than all your curios

sometimes I see a commercial for pills for women's bones & I think sally field *invented* boniva, ok? sally field *owns* women's bones commercials. she *originated* this character. so how are you as an unknown actress gonna try to come in and make this part your own? it can't be done so why even try

this swamp ass bitch

*valentimes

when did everyone decide to pronounce the A in tranche like that

Being brought into the principal’s office and being shown that a bunch of 38 year olds on a website you’ve never been on approve of you punching a kid.

Everyone should watch Possession! (squints eyes) oh I am not familiar with this film

No!

If you're celebrating Friday the 13th you missed the point of the movie.

to be or [TW: suicidal ideation] not to be

when's the last time a celebrity butchered the national anthem on tv

The Sims™ 4

I was today years old when I learned that in most other countries it's considered impolite to sit on the toilet side saddle, whereas in the united states it's a sign of respect

these two have absolutely had it with your bullshit. the one on the right can't even stand to look at you, you're dead to her

they found the seal that calls people gay

gn #化け狸

Hard to get out of bed every morning when we constantly wake up to headlines like this.

"we took a convenience sample" & "if this is extrapolable to the entire population of the US" is already dumb as shit on it's own, nevermind the fact they said 'extractable' (?), & that's before we even get to "155 ER patients at bellvue told us it feels so good to take hot shower when stoned"

She's waiting for me to leave so she can lick it again🤭

Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth https://theonion.com/football-themed-napkins-at-super-bowl-party-too-nonabsorbent-painful-to-use-on-mouth/

prehistoric surgery—would you have it? i would

eating is so boring sometimes, and such a delight at others. I like to do it standing up in both cases

fake stuff is just as good as real things. better, oftentimes

there's this drive thru by my house that obviously used to be some kind of normal grocery/corner store because there's a cartoon mascot of a smiling little boy with his grocery bags on the side of the building but I like to imagine he's a hardcore alcoholic

I drink a tablespoon of dr bronners every night before bed like it says to on the bottle but it's getting so damn expensive does anyone know of an affordable alternative

I could probably be doing really good for myself if you people didn't insist on gatekeeping your hacks

calling everything you do "shrek coded"

I love following along with his little touch-ups, I hope he gets really into filler now

getting shot in the head with a sniper and my body launches into a perfect backflip and lands upright leaning against the wall in a cunty position. The soldier who shot me has nightmares about it every day until killing his wife and then himself on March 28, 2043

11:11 is the fucked up time