my gynecologist told me to kill myself

Something I find myself moderately interested in these days is a good night's rest.

original tweet: what if instead of yo momma jokes there was yo dad jokes? my tabs: Yo momma jokes (Wiki) Did Shakespeare invent the yo momma joke? Gender Roles Through History The Lancastrian War (Wikipedia) Yo Momma (MTV series) me riffing: do you remember Wilmer Valderrama?

Mincing oaths is fine, but you'll never do it again after you slow-cook and pull one.

Ladies, remember: If he ain't willing to die for the Memphis Milano school, he ain't shit.

I saw you and your wife from across the bar and I loved your vibe. Would you fund my lifestyle?

I think a lot about that one infamous Tumblr thread of bottle blonde theatre kids with dark brows pretending to mistake one another for themselves.

I am seeing the news vaguebooked about way too much in my life, I am 35 years old.

Who the fuck is Mitch McConnel?

Path of Exile is a 2013 free-to-play action role-playing video game developed and published by Grinding Gear Games. Following an open beta phase, the game was released for Microsoft Windows in October 23, 2013.[1][2][3][4][5] A version for Xbox One was released in August 2017, and a PlayStation 4 ve

Filming an unboxing video of all my groceries after every time I go to the grocery store.

Really?

eye doctors love looking into your eyes. they are the true romantics.

It's developmentally important to give your baby toys that look like tiny cars and buildings so they can experiment with "Kaiju Play".

You see these copper mugs kid? They used to be for Moscow mules. Now I don’t know what they’re for

I need to sleep with a woman in her mid-50s NOW!!

i must stop focusing on my spirit and start focusing on my posture

I’m pricing out a Nissan Rogue with the Aunt package including rattan seats and a siriusXM channel that plays wind chimes

Better to be a garden inside a warrior than a war inside a gardener.

I am overdosing on pretzels in Frankfurt airport

Umberto Eco's 14 Words.

penguin idle animation

I saw you and your wife from across the bar and I loved your vibe. Would you fund my lifestyle?

talisman gf amulet bf

Do you guys think I have a Miley Cyrus thing going on? I woke up in a cold sweat this morning, like Gregor Samsa witnessing his monstrous form for the first time.

BRING ME THE GOLDEN HEART OF MICHAEL PAUL "THE SITUATION" SORRENTINO OR SUFFER MY WRATH WITHIN UP TO SIX STANDARD BUSINESS DAYS.

Artists drawing women in American flag bikinis and saying, "This isn't for like, patriotism reasons," is the "I bought it before he went crazy!" Tesla sticker of the social media art world.

no one talks about politics, sports, videogames, or random bullshit anymore

penguin

My biggest regret about this trip is not taking my Ms hat for like, a couple of reasons. At least three reasons.

I should go to California.

I am on that shit like white on an awkward conversation about race.

I hope that you guys see me as a heinous, Rat Fink-esque figure.

not sure what i'm doing

A Green Heron goes into maximum neck mode to grab a tadpole and then resets into minimum neck mode after the snack was acquired.

Working a new bit where I combo extremely old timey insults with normal swearing, like, "Go suck a fucking lemon."

I was sent this but it looks like my Tanabata message made it into the VRChat hub, Im happy about that. So if you saw it, that message is meant for you

I've been trying to figure out how to buy a pack of cigarettes in New York for like two days. I know they have them, I see people smoking.

Imagine coming out as a bisexual. Humiliating.

Recently referred to Tacoma to someone as "Tac Town," which is a real thing which is why it's in my head, but also like what the fuck, Tacoma.

passionate tryst with a grizzled cockswain in the belly of a whale would fix me

Why, it’s Refilla the Sustainability Hun

Tried "New York Pizza," it was pretty good.

getting a lot of questions about my sexy osama bin laden in a heart tattoo

bulbing wetly

I need her tbh.

I feel unqualified to comment on if Cobain was a closeted trans woman. If trans people see that in his diaries it's not my business. But given that he killed himself in no small part because of the way his art was marketed, people reacting to this as if it's a confirmation rubs me the wrong way.

Gripping your balls with my pedipalps