i can use bluesky in bed again because I remembered they have an app that makes your phone really really hot

locking a customer in the break room with me and making them eat a live pigeon in front of me

accidentally going poop on a customer and telling them they were already like that

accidentally breaking a customers item after i scan it and telling them it was already like that

Guys i got my dog a toy with a motor and it only works in 5 minutes intervals so she needs to wait to play with it sometimes and it reminds me of being 19 and running out of tinder swipes

Guys i hate playing things cool, I want to play things really demanding

Telling my roommate we have to play the hot and cold game when I get close to her weed pen

something in the way bro

He had BPD

RIP Abby, died of acid

i got acid on my eyes im serious

ahhh ahhh I got acid on my eyes just kidding

Can I make a dwelling out of your rib cage please

i would have hotshotted the entire cast of euphoria if we were in school together for literally the change in their purses

Sharks… just forget about it… it doesn’t matter…

what the heck is that what the heck is that noise

my step mum send me a giant chocolate bar in the mail for being nice

I was on naked and afraid but i was too horny and kept masturbating all night

im like the himalayan jumping spider

Brian from Family Guy was led astray by lust and liberal arrogance

Ive never seen it i just love telling people im gonna kick them in the taco

moving all of my messes from the rest of the house into my bedroom because i need to have the super in here to look at a suspicious stain on the ceiling

do you guys think im pretty

before i had my license i used to steal my cokehead boyfriends car whenever we got in a fight and i would park it in random places in the city and he would get so mad and threaten to kill me and i would go get his gun and give it to him and tell him to do it but he never did because he liked meeee ☺️

screaming at this construction worker to take his stupid windows out of my parking stall im going to circle the block six times and then I am coming back to park here whether there are windows piled up there or not

having a drink and exploring my house with a gun

I've never actually watched the human centipede

budum lives in nightmare land

🍻🏚️

hearing a robber break into my home and grabbing my gun out of the night stand and going out into the hallway and shooting myself in the head so he has to live with the mental image for the rest of his life

asking the bus driver if it’s okay to throw something in his garbage and after he says yes I pull out a bunch of dead mice I ripped the heads off of and toss them in its general direction. most of the mice end up on the floor

explaining to this lady on the bus that im trying to turn my head into an explosive device and kill everyone

if i was the virgin mary i would have accused the archangel gabriel of touching me inappropriately

i hope my head explodes and the shrapnel of my skull kills everyone around me

just watched a truck drive into the side of a gas station instead of reversing lol

gonna bite yall im not joking at all

I don’t trust microwaves and i won’t abide one in my home

i'm going to kill again tonight