There’s good computer and bad computer. Good computer makes you smarter, bad computer makes you stupid. Bad computer is winning

It’s 2006. Tuesday night means dad’s house. Heat isn’t working so you do your homework under the covers. You turn on the tv. Boston Legal is on one of the four channels you get. You’ll never have it this good again.

Free band name idea sevenged avenfold

Giving up air for lent

Oi mate I’m banksy

Crash course in blue

You watched “Annie” and sided with the orphans. You watched “Oliver Twist” and sided with the orphans. You watched “The Cider House Rules” and sided with the orphans When it’s fiction you understand. Yet you refuse to see it when it’s the reality you’re living in. Wild.

When I die spread my ashes in my apartment.

Pants with sleeves?

Will any of that liquidity be transferring with them to the next run? Because that’s not a real rogue

Thinking about that really tall mushroom I photographed from beneath that one time.

Context: none of this matters. You’re a chunk of meat getting dragged through space by a wad of stone

What a time to be alive (derogatory)

The horrors will continue 🐸

My friend was wearing a reflective vest while caving. He shined a black light on himself causing the material to fluoresce and light up the whole area.

Anyone else remember this

She asked to wear this

Neo couldn't comprehend the choices before him. On one hand he could return to his mundane drudgery, a life meaningless and dull but safe. On the other hand he could experience the truth of being. He grimaced and chose as Morpheus extended a bulbous toad. Neo opened his mouth and began to lick.

AHHHHHHH!

They put a sticker on my head that says annoying but I’m going to take it off when they take their lunch break

Fake audiophiles "listen" to vinyl records on turntables, like posers. A true audiophile knows the purest way to experience music is to marvel at the peaks and valleys in the record grooves with an electron microscope.

Something just happened in my life and I don’t wanna get into it but if anyone wants to shoot me in the head now is a pretty good time

me: every day for the last ten years i let a bear bite me so i can be completely immune if ever get attacked you: what about their claws me: what

my cat got jealous of me using the lint roller and started yelling at me so i had to explain to her that’s she’s basically all lint and she’d have a much different experience

I was not made for difficult times. I was made to live in a captive pleasure dome on some alien planet

Who up luigi’ing they mansion

roguelike pussy got me acting unwise

Stop making Alec Technology Connections mad!

James Bond: What's this, a phone? I already have one of these. Q: Oh no, Mr. Bond. That's actually a toad phone. You can use it to call a frog from anywhere in the world. James Bond: You've outdone yourself this time, Q.

"you must be this old to login" and it's a dvd of buffy

this is actually how bitcoin works

Based on the screenshots of the video game he plays my theory is that crab man is some kind of scientist

Putting a panini press in each pocket to use as a hand warmer

New glove reveal, here is what they look like holding The Money:

Who’s yet to get their pound of flesh? I seem to have too many

If you super-size your order at white castle they let you bite the cashier

Yes, we’re calling our Frequently Asked Questions about crows Murder Mysteries. Everyone who complained about it is wrong.

Cleaning my brain grooves with a qtip would fix me

[speed dating] what's your name and favorite tv show? "my name is earl"

Bullying

yes i am a white MALE yes i am raising four DURABLE conservative BOYS to become MEN no i don't HUG them EVER my masculinity is THAT fragile yes i love ROCK n roll yes i live in a storage unit off route 22 i made some bad INVESTMENTS in a FAILED soft drink company

transformation

If I were superman I wouldn't save the world I'd fly around listening to podcasts

I cannot overemphasize the importance of making fun of ICE and other symbols of authoritarianism.

not widely known but the tv show "the simpsons" is based on my family. the creator, matt groening, bought the rights to my bildungsroman as inspiration for the character of the son, "bart", though he took a few artistic liberties. my catch phrase was "don't hate a crow, man". crows are fucken sick.