“You can’t just leave! We have a child together!” “Yeah, but I never really liked it.”

Murder, She Farted

People are always like, “hey, I’m rigatoni Tony! Fuck you and your spaghetti, Teddy!” And I’m just over here like 🙄

On my birthday my wife gave me a blowjob. I said to her, “I told you I wanted Legos.”

You can just say you know karate, no one checks

not my circus not my murder clowns

I sense much karate in you

Magazine.

From now on I’m gonna use my karate for the RIGHT reasons

if you are new to the community:

So I dont really know how to do this but basically, im willing to give away five of the only print I have in my shop and two avi. If you want one, dm me, and if you can, donate on my shop or my kofi which is in my bio Deeny.shop.fourthwall.com

Lets turn this porno into a pornyes

You can just keep buying pets. Even if you don’t take care of the pets you already own. Literally no one will stop you from buying more pets

If my name was Barbara I’d be like what

Most of my family has been locked in the cellar

This thanksgiving we’ve decided to celebrate in an elevator

Laughing at a picture of my wiener

Sometimes my wife thinks it’s funny when I shit my pants

Happy Thanksgiving, you buncha goddammits! I shit myself and they made me go outside

“I was serving cunt before you were ever born!” I shout at my daughter

some guy: your shoelace is untied me: yes

Andy.

Running away from the police like TEEHEEHEE TEEHEEHEEHEE

"just having a brat summer," she says, backing her car up into an elderly woman

Man, people get SO pissed when you practice the pan flute in public. The movie hasn’t even started yet, guys

My dad spanked me until I was 26

I was a little taken aback when my son was born with gills. At first I thought maybe my wife had fucked a merman, or some kind of sea bass, but, nope, some kids just have gills

“Robin, haven’t you heard about the male loneliness epidemic?”

First day working at McDonald’s: Me: Is it safe for my ammo belt to be this close to the fryer? Manager: I think so

Screaming "I don't know you" when my doctor tells me to take my clothes off

Some holiday gift ideas from a very artistic big titted bimbo? Well why didn’t you say so?

I figured out penis enlargement

“Again the woman threw her drink in my face. Red wine rolled down my chin and stained my favorite tie. ‘I think there’s been a misunderstanding,’ I told her. ‘I said I’d like to have sex with you.’” You can read the full entry here: beefcarcass.com/that-time-i-...

Holy shit, 4.9k followers! Where will I put all of you? In the cabinet? Would you all like to live in my cabinet? There are crackers in my cabinet.

No sense crying over spilled milk, but I will probably fire a gun

I don't believe that you could, in any meaningful way, restrain a 7 foot tall Danny Devito.

pulling my pants down on the Carnival cruise and yelling "MASTER AND COMMANDO"

You can just call your senators and talk about whatever

Can’t even have sex with your wife in public anymore

Mainly what I look forward to at Thanksgiving is the unlimited salt.

I hate when I’m covered in blood because of how much I’m bleeding

Twinkle twinkle little dinkle or however the song goes

*diarrhea funneling out the left leg of my capri pants* Hey, I don’t work here, but can I get you folks anything?

It’s not what kind of pasta you throw at my ass, it’s how hard you throw it

donald trump walked in on a windmill railing his mom when he was nine years old and went full don quixote

Her: Honey? If you could go back in time and do it all over again, would you still want to marry me? Me: Hey are you gonna chuck that spaghetti at my ass or what

Doctor says I eat too much spaghetti. I says what are you, a dietitian? Dietitian says stop shoving spaghetti up your ass. I says what are you, a proctologist? Proctologist says lie down naked on this tarp while I throw wet spaghetti at your ass. I says sure

My house always smells of cooked spaghetti. My kids can’t even look at spaghetti anymore. They want to move away, to a place without spaghetti. But there will be spaghetti in that house too

Nobody drinks piss like our boy Elon