It's so disappointing when someone posts a selfie that doesn't match their profile picture, and you discover you're not actually following the pig from Toy Story.

Sometimes in the middle of fucking i start giggling because it’s so stupid

My bitch wife every goddamn time I take a shit: IN THE TOILET! IN THE TOILET YOU FUCKING MORON

My wife says she wants another child I says ain’t you met the last two? She says yeah, I’m replacing them I says replace me while you’re at it She says sure, here’s a monkey in a bow tie I says I can’t believe you’d marry a monkey in a bow tie She says I’ve had worse I says why I oughtta…

Alexa, keep farting

You don’t know my stepmom, she’s stuck in a different dryer.

My bitch wife every goddamn time I take a shit: IN THE TOILET! IN THE TOILET YOU FUCKING MORON

chatGPT

Hey can i smell you real quick or for a very long time

Black n white Saturday

First date idea: we get married so we can have intercourse

NEW COMIC COMING OUT TONIGHT ON PATREON!

guy who takes daddy kink too far and never shows up

“Let’s just hope this information was worth the lives it cost to get it,” I say, shoving the flash drive up my ass

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me, trying to shove my flaccid penis through a pretzel loop without breaking it: Salt is really scratchy

My son Doug doesn’t understand my sense of humor. Like that time I named him Doug

There’s more to life than falling down the stairs and getting eaten by birds

Theres a direct correlation between my family using chatGPT and me not showing up for Christmas

Like my rich friend from college says, ‘comparison is the thief of joy.’

Dont you wish your girlfriend ate fudge like me Dont you wish your girlfriend could caulk like me Dontchaaa

Wife: Did you hear about the hantavirus? Me: I know that tone. We’re not getting rid of the rat feces

Slapping my mother’s belly and saying “I came out of HERE” for Mother’s Day

‘“Do you feel it?!” I shouted into the microphone. “Do you feel the everlasting glory of the Lord?!” The congregation felt it. They told me so. They had no choice. I was wearing a bomb.’ noahgrim.com/that-time-i-...

Probably my biggest pet peeve is my son

I hate it when you do someone a big favor but, rather than recognizing that you're going far beyond the normal call of duty, that special favor just becomes their new expectations of you. C'mon, man, you're the one obsessed with revenge. I should just let you bury him all by yourself.

Wife: Why can’t I ever find the goddamn remote? Me, adjusting my stance to keep the remote from sliding out of my ass: Just tell me what channel you want

Sometimes I’ll imagine a piece of music that doesn’t exist and my brain will be like wow you’re totally like Beethoven and then I’m like hey yeah you’re right brain thank you brain

My son Doug wants to be called Douglas now, as if that makes it sound any better

"miss, I'm sorry but your card has been declined." "oh heeeerrre we go, just another distraction from the Epstein files, I see!"

My son Doug doesn’t understand my sense of humor. Like that time I named him Doug

Between my perfect hairline and your vagina dentata, we’ll be running this place within the year

If I were a wild animal my species would taste like absolute shit to ward off predators

Propaganda? More like POOPaganda! (Cuz it’s poopy)

Been calling myself a slut ever since I looked up the definition of slut

people act like they're your friend and then flat-out refuse to change your diaper

my kid wouldn't eat his peas so i staged an assassination on myself and now he's crying and eating peas

Yeah yeah yeah, like any one of you WOULDN’T pay a guy to fire a gun in your general vicinity if it meant getting a beautiful ballroom with a bunker underneath

Why is it always “furiously” masturbating? I’m not even that mad about it

Speaking as a guy who poops, you’re doing it wrong

They’re putting me on a special boat

Probably my biggest pet peeve is my son

If she were a guy her name could be Anya Taylor-Boy

Farting on a butt… the perfect crime?

Protip: you don’t have to be rich to hunt people for sport

Guys, the British are coming!!! On my feet!!!

In space, no one can have my cream Because I’m all alone Just me and my cream In space 😔

Poop is a spectrum

Getting boat-fucked (fucked on a boat)

Im nonbinary that means I can kill whoever I want

My wife fell out of a helicopter