“Good news: The surgery was a success! Whereas once I was 85% foreskin, now I am 90%”

Doing a cum tribute to myself and what I’ve been through

My grandparents are so cute

Mitch McConnell: “my last name shall have two C’s, two N’s, and two L’s.” Greedy fuck

Standing in line at the orgy for this one particular butthole

Thinking of getting into warmongering

The Trojan horse thing wouldn’t have worked on me. I could tell it wasn’t a real horse

I don’t do topical comedy. I don’t know what the topics are

The problem, as usual, is too many holes

As a devout Christian I only watch porn that glorifies our lord and savior Jesus Christ (married couples only, missionary style, comical amount of bush, bra stays on)

Keep scrolling, I’m reloading

My body is a MACHINE that turns HOT DOGS into HOT DOG SHAPED POOP

Hello. Nothing wrong to see. Have not to been hacked. Hello

I’ll follow me back if you follow me back

There should be a word for parents who abandon their children. Like smart

Combining all of the sauces into a single sauce and ending the sauce wars for good

I would NEVER have sex before marriage. Or during or after

Tom Cruise does his own stunts because he wants to die

A glory hole but for hot dogs

If a praying mantis tried to eat my penis I’d be so honored

Mass shooters should have to wear special hats so we know who to look out for

I hope my kids find my posts one day and see how cool I am

Celebrating Father’s Day again because my kids think I love them

For Father’s Day this year we sacrificed him to our god

#BREAKING: the secret villain in the next spider-man movie will be you, the viewer

Dad jokes? You mean their lives?

Enough with the transvestigating! We need to start TRAINS-vestigating! Just what the heck ARE these things???

Gluing my penis to my friend’s penis so we don’t lose each other at six flags

Oh theres a new superhero? Whats their power? Is it a metaphor?

Okay, so this version of Krang… an inter-dimensional alien sporting a creepy Roman conqueror’s mask while failing to contain his true body behind the facade of a very expensive three-piece suit is… simply put… RAD AS FUCK

Drawing the characters of the movie "Seven Samurais" as if they were characters in a Rockstar game

Redesigning the ninja turtle characters: this one counts as a thirst trap i think SHREDDER

With a trillion dollars I would buy the moon and just look at it and then charge people for looking at it

Telling my mom I carried her in my womb and fed her with my own breasts in my latest dastardly mindfuck

I love these. Also, THE TURTLE HEAD DESIGN ON THE CANE SPLINTER I LOVE YOU BE MY REAL DAD

I pronounce “marinara” differently depending on who I’m with

Before pacing up and down in front of my neighbours house with my hands clasped behind my back my life basically had no meaning

2000: It is so unrealistic Cheryl Hines would be married to Larry David. 2026: It is so unrealistic Larry David would be married to Cheryl Hines.

Redesigning the ninja turtle characters: You know them, you love them please welcome BEBOP AND ROCKSTEADY

Doctor Frankenstein: [entering 5318008 into a calculator] The Monster: [looks confused] Doctor Frankenstein: [turns calculator upside down] The Monster: [freaks out and starts breaking stuff immediately]

People get so upset when they see ketchup on a hot dog and I’m like “take it easy, it’s just blood”

Redesigning the mutant ninja turtles Characters ( that's right, we're not even close to done): Please give a warm welcome tooooooo SLASH

But I’m loving this series

Redesigning the ninja turtles: Donatello with the bo staff

CUM FASTER, HE’S GAINING ON US

I got a sneak peek at how the sausage is made and it's literally just one guy named Ned back there grinding and casing the meat. It's really unfair, he's overworked.

Due to my large butthole, I will no longer be attending the tiny butthole convention

Don’t worry, everyone. I’m eating the screwworms as fast as I can

Man I fuken love drawing turtles in suits

Left tits are okay but the right ones scare me