Candy corn wasn’t invented, it was discovered in a cave guarded by a mysterious old man who couldn’t stop laughing

my approval ratings are through the roof! i stuffed em up the chimney cuz they were so low it made me mad

Cobra’s evil plan in the next G.I. Joe movie should be to gently pull the good guys’ torsos up from the waist and then snip that little black rubber band that holds them together with cuticle scissors

I’ve never had sex with my wife and I resent the implication

The guy who dyes my pubes green for St. Patty’s Day doubled his prices and stained my shaft

‘“Well, the jig is up. People have finally discovered the terrible truth: dinosaurs never existed. We made the whole thing up, just so we could sell dinosaur related merchandise, and now Big Dino Incorporated is the most hated company in the history of the world.”’ noahgrim.com/that-time-i-...

The next Super Mario game should include a button that just makes Mario sit down and start weeping because it’s been 40 years of this shit and he’s a very old man

They should make a Jurassic Park movie where all the dinosaurs and humans get along and the park runs just fine. I’m tired of this

They should make a Jurassic Park movie where all the dinosaurs and humans get along and the park runs just fine. I’m tired of this

Solving my insomnia by counting the number of times i’ve failed myself

there was a point in the early 90's where everyone owned and wore a pair of overalls #neverforget

It’s a good thing that people who suddenly find religion after a lifetime of well-documented debauchery, assault allegations, and multiple lawsuits are only doing it for the right reasons

If life hands you lemons, go fuck yourself.

I’ll find you in here somewhere, Dad

Karate can be learned in about a week if you just kick hard enough

not today small weird door in my attic

NYPD really doesn’t like when you alternate calling their officers Bing and Bong

I’ve burned bridges, destroyed friendships, and ruined many lives to get to five thousand followers, and let me tell you what I’ve learned: it was totally worth it

My superhero catch phrase would probably be something like “STAND CLEAR OF ME” or “PLEASE GO OVER THERE”

People have been so nice to me ever since my dad fell out of a helicopter

An entire human body just came out of my wife and I’m not supposed to think she’s a witch???

I destroy my enemy when I make him my friend. Because I’m a really really shitty friend

Sorry I stepped on your favorite bee. I was trying to step on your other bee

Is it bad to have sex with a praying mantis haha asking for a friend haha definitely not me haha like how would you even do it or whatever like i would never hahaha

Happy international women’s day to everyone except Susan

it's woman's day so i'd love to remind you that I have a Patreon and just added a tier for people who are not really into the porn I make and just want to support me. i'll post my regular art on there for you. patreon.com/Darkdeeny

My doctor says he’s never seen anyone more flaccid than me and that I’m probably the most flaccid man ever

“Welcome to fart school, class! I’ll be your instructor today and-“ *fart* “Please raise your hand before you fart.”

Personally I don’t care whether this Hormuz fellow is straight or not. Mind your own business, I say

I’m too scared to watch movies. I mean who are all these people and why are they in spaaaaace

Twins should have to fight to the death to determine which one is real

My homoerotic friend Dave is stopping by

Teacher always said I’d grow up to be a big titted bimbo slut. he was half right

most fucked up person you ever met: i have a wife and children depending on me

HELP, I DONT KNOW HOW MANY OBJECTS THERE ARE

Having trouble with my holes

‘As long as we were headed down the road of even more pointless alterations I decided to show George some of my Han Solo/C3PO erotic fan fiction. “Get that shit out of my face,” he said, slapping away the pamphlet. “You bring that up again and I’ll shave your nuts.”’ noahgrim.com/that-time-i-...

Lifting my leg up to fart like a dog taking a piss

My wife has never seen my penis and she never will

The penis is the front of the ass

my name is Ty, or Brent. i am 42 years old. i think hearing Spanish is the worst thing that can happen to a person. i have sexually harassed every woman who works at the nearby starbucks. all my sons are named Bryson. last year i drunk drove my dodge ram into a day care center

‘As long as we were headed down the road of even more pointless alterations I decided to show George some of my Han Solo/C3PO erotic fan fiction. “Get that shit out of my face,” he said, slapping away the pamphlet. “You bring that up again and I’ll shave your nuts.”’ noahgrim.com/that-time-i-...

Sometimes I lol. Other times I lolz

Empire Strikes Back would be better if Luke met that little frog to become a Jedi and he just gave him a gun

What do you mean you're broke? Just buy more money, idiot!

Hey guys please rate my impressions: “You talkin’ to me? Are you talkin’ to me?” (Robert De Niro) “I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you?” (Joe Pesci) “HELL-OOOOOOOOH!” (Mrs. Doubtfire) Thanks guys

Stapling my friend’s hat to his head so I don’t get confused when I see him later

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I chose the one with the sluts