"90's kids remember-" 90s kids dont remember shit, we're like 80 years old and in dire need of dialysis

Me, listening to Beethoven: "when you think about it, its pretty impressive that a dog wrote that"

showing up naked and uncirc’ed at the bris and joking to the baby “well ONE OF US has to change”

Gonna start measuring my peen in centimeters instead of inches to make myself feel better. *measures* Shit, never mind.

Duo ‘bout to suck this D

finally learned the number 100 today

Just joined the mile pie club (ate a whole blueberry pie sitting on an airplane toilet)

Just fired my boss

It should be standard practice for police officers to say “I love you” after every traffic stop

Guys the me on the other app is NOT the real me. I’M THE REAL ME

I know people are scared and angry right now, but fear not! Sources are reporting that the next Spider-Man movie will be a “tonal shift”

If you super-size your order at white castle they let you bite the cashier

Asking the pilot if he can keep the plane no higher than fifty feet for the first few hundred miles

What if there was a frog guy

HR is giving me shit about the porridge

Are you gonna fuckin’ Wang Chung or not?

*during sex Me: Are you sure we’re not related? Her: Yes. Me: Goddammit.

I can’t stop picturing myself naked

Guys, I kinda get it. I once got so angry about not winning a Nobel Peace Prize I set fire to a hospital.

You can practice blowing yourself pretty much anywhere. People are usually cool with it

The package said these were hard candies, but it only took me like ten minutes to figure them out. You just untwist the wrapper and it comes right off.

Playing the bongos on my dad’s tits

I'd rather burn my hand than my coat. My hand will grow back.

I don’t like it when horses are nude

Starting this week I’ll be posting a single letter of the alphabet every day for twenty-six days! Follow me so you don’t miss one!

Need to destress from the constant doom and gloom of the 24 hour news cycle? Can’t help you, but here’s a silly thing I wrote: noahgrim.com/how-chatgpt-...

Putting on a naked musical for my dad and his work friends

My son says his documentary about me is going well, and that he’s getting a lot of good footage

John Wick: I’m going to kill them all Me: Johnny, why you no mangia? All this shoot-shoot-shoot, I never see you take-a no bite-o spaghetti

John Wick: I’m going to kill them all Me: Johnny, why you no mangia? All this shoot-shoot-shoot, I never see you take-a no bite-o spaghetti

I hate it when I’m stuck in the dryer and don’t have a stepbrother

gofund.me/8706940dd thank you so much everyone for your generosity. We are so grateful for you. We ultimately want to raise 16k so that the parents can take the year off as this is what Daphné has left with them. We would also like you to get to know Daphné so please take a moment to read the bio

My best friend's niece, Daphné, has terminal brain cancer. We created this gofundme to help the parents raise money to be able to spend as much as the time she has remaining with them. Please consider donating if you can. Every little bit helps gofund.me/5ce959c72

what's the opposite of pepperoni

You can be drunk at work if you’re good at it

inventing a microwave that gives you a little kiss when you have your face pressed against it watching your leftover ramen spin around

Pretty sure I have acrophobia, agoraphobia, thalassophobia, megalohydrothalassophobia, and gonorrhea

Fresh post you can read on the toilet. It’s about computers! noahgrim.com/how-chatgpt-...

Went to get acupuncture for a pain in my neck. She put a needle in my ass. Told her my back hurt too. She put a needle in my ass. Said I also get headaches. She put a needle in my ass. Then I told her my ass hurt. She said, “No shit.”

Did you know that you can subscribe to my website for free? You could give me your entire email address. I could write it down on a yellow legal pad and rub it with my finger. I’d probably get black ink all over me. Ha ha. lol. Then later I could email you stuff. noahgrim.com

"Without further ado" Guy who wanted more ado: "aw man"

Went to get acupuncture for a pain in my neck. She put a needle in my ass. Told her my back hurt too. She put a needle in my ass. Said I also get headaches. She put a needle in my ass. Then I told her my ass hurt. She said, “No shit.”

im staging an intervention for the tiger that ate my leg

Pretty sure I have acrophobia, agoraphobia, thalassophobia, megalohydrothalassophobia, and gonorrhea

they’re making harry potter 9: return of grunch

Paul Reubens was one of my heroes. An unabashed weirdo with a warped sense of humor and a deep commitment to the bit. Any unseemly rumors about him were completely untrue. I know because I tried to fuck him when I was twelve. Multiple times. He never went for it. A true legend.

I do it all for the two to five likes per post

I have stared down multiple cabs and reckless drivers while crossing the street in NYC after them braking inches away or even tapping me with their car. If that ICE officer was “scared for his life” while a car was actively turning its wheels away from him maybe he shouldn’t have a gun.

Don’t know who needs to hear this but elevate your legs

A lot of people say you can’t create a giant cock and balls statue in front of city hall, but they are wrong.