Ahh fuck it

i love tea i could just do without the calm energy and sense of unity with the cosmos

Baby actually likes her corner, leave her alone

Nobody puts Baby in a situation room

Aaand this is our Situation Room for situations

Going apeshit in the Situation Room

Normal guy bf, primordial she-demon gf

I love the Notes app. I use it to write notes

[Whisper app] At this point I know how to spell Kaczynski without looking it up

[Whisper app] Bad songs make me wanna go Ted Kaczynski mode on the artist

sorry and olive fell on my phone and proposed to you

Holy smokes. Ohhhmygod. Yes. Yes. YES. I'm wall-to-wall raccoons

I think I speak for everyone when I say bro jfc bro

Siri what was it like to be in the shit

As reparations for 1965-75 the next Democratic president will make Florida an official overseas protectorate of Vietnam

Someone should have drop-kicked Bob Dylan in the chest for having that dorkass singing voice

Were you in the shit or not really

Tweeting in the dark with jungle sounds over the portable speaker and Jimi Hendrix 'Machine Gun' in the earbuds to simulate being in the shit

Bro we gotta bring home the soldiers from Vietnam

[Whisper app] I love the Notes app

In a tree by the brook, there's a spongebob who sings

My brother’s friend named his kid Bob. Like it’s just a straight up baby they call Bob unironically. In 2026 that somehow feels just as performative as Zanther or whatever

What I’ve learned from TV ads is that everyone else on earth is buying a new car at all times or has moderate to severe Crohn’s disease

Do they have lesbians in Canada I’m scared

Do they have white people in Canada

I can literally sense through the screen it's been days since you guys showered

Some of yall:

Good morning

Follow my TikTok to watch me descend into madness in the breakroom

i tried self improvement for 2 hours. i am pivoting back to weed and alcohol

Lowkey I used to not understand some shit. But I get it now

i think i forgot how to shitpost

A byproduct is lowkey like a normal ass product but by

Are you seriously tubthumping at a time like this

Fuck I shoulda bought lightbulbs at Home Depot

Like this tweet if I took out butter and an egg from the fridge earlier to make cookies but forgot about that until now

The Home Depot guy who helped me for 60 seconds said he’s gonna send an email and asked me to fill out a survey giving him 5 stars. What time of whackadoodle ass world have we built bro

Money doesn’t grow on trees they said

Guys big moment for me I’m actually in the Home Depot garden section. The times I tweeted about it before this I was lying

When a lumberyard is indoor. That’s a indoor lumberyard

Calling my car good girl when it starts fine after 3.5 weeks of no use and getting a half-chub

Don't fuckeng cry for me Argentina you little bitch

Sometimes you see a dinosaur skeleton and it’s like… yeah right. Yeah fuckeng right they looked like that, animals don’t look like that. But then you look at a giraffe and you go. Arite fine never mind

Jim Morrison was an early quirked up white boy

When The Beatles said ‘I wanna hold your hand’. I felt that

When The Doors said ‘this is the end’. I felt that

I can show you a bird. Shining shimmering splendid. Tell me princess now when did you last see a cool ass bird

Mad at everything in a trendsetting and avant-garde style