Guess who's awake

How to win: laugh + breathe + move + kill

this mf should be called graperoot

if we hadnt saved your asses in world war 2 youd be saying sponge bob big guy pants sieg heil

Haven’t been this glurped out since like. yesterday

What's the big whoop about money laundering. Sorry for having clean money? Okay

How have I been lately? How bout you worry about you, that’s how

What have I been up to? Uhh mostly just engaging my ass muscles properly when I walk hbu

Hopefully I never log on again 🏴‍☠️

As far back as I can remember I always wanted to do surgery on a grape. To me, doing surgery on a grape was better than being President of the United States

They have taken the grape... and the second grape... we have barred the grapes... but cannot grape them for long... the grape shakes... grapes, grapes in the deep.... we cannot grape out... a grape moves in the dark... we cannot grape out... they are graping

I can't think of anything else

A Spectral Dude’s Message

The Fracking Flirter: hey girl you wanna get your well stimulated?

They did reintroducing an endangered species to its former range on a grape

They did conservation efforts on a grape

They did hydrofracking on a grape

If you're like this DM

Let's just become indestructible

Basically the only shred of optimism I feel about the future of media in the US is that younger people don't give a shit about what legacy media outlets say anymore

Untether me from various shit!

My heights would never be wuthering. Not my style

These heights... they're so wuthering... damn...

O/u 2.5 years before we learn Platner has been DMing teenage girls

Hi I'm Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner here to say Q from QAnon makes some really good points

I'm @barackobama on mastodon

What's the most comfortable bed you own? Sound off below

whats the right type of pajamas for a #man

What's the right type of pajamas for a #man

hate the screen screen is the enemy

i could see Peter Griffin losing everything to meth im not even kidding at all

ALL I EVER WANTED ALL I EVER NEEDED

Slow-dancing alone to a blues song and asking an oatmeal creme pie to save my life

Are we ready to talk about it or not really

I'm gonna post that dolphin way too much I can feel it already

Go piss girl was the compromise

Coming to the tough realization that maybe I don't like my couch

Hopefully I never learn what Pickle Rick is

On that glurp shit

Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the doors and see all the sexually repressed people

Something weird going on

Impression of gentle rain: pshshwpwhps hsihpshpshpisphshhs phwwhsppis hpshapls pjsphsohpsh pshpsohpsh sph pshsph sh sph shpshpshps hsp hsph sphw hps hhsphspshh sphshss sphspsh hshpsh sp

We all got that one homie who crouched down weird and got stuck there for 11 years

The Unbearable Whiteness of Being Crab Man

Engagement bait question but it's important, what's the right level of toast for a PBJ? Been arguing with my 8-year-old son about it the past few days and he's so wrong I'm considering not feeding him anymore

When various shit leaves me speechless I'm like

People said his brain was infected by devils...

skills to master if you want to be a good writer: foreign languages (2 or more) single-edged swords double-edged swords thrusting swords the mace the lance

Completely insane how often you can read headlines from prestige media outlets and ask "is that the real story though" and the answer is no