I should finish painting my terrible mothman with my bf's old Warhammer paint that HE NEVER USED

I could NEVER be a Bigfoot researcher.

Excuse me sir, that's my personal salmon you're pilfering 😤

A giant hairy man quicky descended down the rocky mountainside and stole my personal salmon again.

Gobekli tepe gooner would be a great band name

They replaced my digestive system with a bunch of rats. They eat the food and then run on little wheels that power my body.

YouTube ads continue to think I am a man because I am interested in WW2, Horror movies and Chess. I am getting shamed for not being man enough with my fanny pack and I must buy this much more masculine hoodie with 10 tactical pockets

The feminine urge to drill into a strange metallic artifact recovered during a busy day of traversing through the desert

Parents came to visit. They had a blast in Mexico, but had to come home to the unfortunate reality that my brother had robbed them blind in the meantime so yeah, I don't think reconciliations are going to happen between us any time soon there buddy.

It's insane many presidents got their weeners touched while in office. I guess a little chastity is unpatriotic or something. God and country above all? Doesn't seem like it!!1

ⓘ This user shot a man in Reno and left before he died.

Yesterday there was a single giant fly in the house. This morning he came in my room, hovered slowly over my cup of juice, and then lowered himself in

Being observed today so I guess I'll go through the slit on the left

My bf never has his dang mic muted so I hope his friends like the fact of knowing that I "just took a two pound shit"

The first time Elvis wiggled his hips like that, his entire dick and balls shot off.

Gotta be the funniest list I’ve been placed on

Should I boof this?

It took all my strength to NOT buy a pink master craft toolbox at Canadian Tire yesterday

Can we have some celebrity with a soothing and/or funny voice read the Epstein files to us as we sit in our cozy chairs with hot beverages and cute pajamas? #justgirlythings

My dad found a old book about Hitler at Salvation Army yesterday and so I was reading it from the back seat to annoy everyone and did you know that they used to feed him a dollop of whipped cream when he was getting too pissy to deal with? Lmao classic cholesterol laden evil German demon child.

yessss feed me this sicko shit

Just woke up from a couch nap where I dreamt I was watching a new Air Bud movie on Netflix and he went to the Middle East to counter terrorism and towards the end he was heroically running to the outskirts of some populated city with a duffle bag full of explosives in his mouth but got shot and died

i admit whenever i start hearing about people seeing the lights in the southern US i start chuckling like ralph wiggum

Last night was nuts

This is the most fucked up aurora I've ever seen lmfao. Plz god no Carrington. Unburnt modern conveniences, King?

HMMMM

I'm gonna make my dumb bf a grilled cheese so he can take his medication then I'm going out to my shop to continue carving my mothman and eat sawdust

Watching a courier service deliver an envelope to my nextdoor neighbour and telling my bf that it's her stupid bitch award because I feel like being mean today and marinating in that feel-good dark energy.

Better late than never

If I'm gonna pay this much for insurance, something terrible better happen to me or I'm gonna be furious.

In my last past life, I was told to "shut the fuck up" when I raised concerns about how much iron ore we managed to pack on the Eddy Fitz. I had ore stuffed in the pockets of my oilskin coat, I had ore up my ass, I had eaten some ore. It was a lot of ore.

I bet I have the most wildly inappropriate personal experience with The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald of anybody on this website but I'm not telling the story.

What if we kissed inside the CIA cosmic egg 🫣🫦

IT BEGIN

Trying to remember that there's a lot of sun activity going on right now and that's why all my friends are being kinda rude to me and NOT because of my generally off-putting nature!

Honestly, I wouldn't have KILLED baby Hitler, but he definitely would've been left toddling around a lot of murky German ponds in heavy woolen jackets, I can tell you that much.

Honestly, if I was at Chernobyl, none of that shit would've happened. I know I was literally just a baby, but I was a smart baby if you ignore the cord wrapped around my neck and choking on my own fecal matter in utero. That was a mistake on my part. Other than that, very qualified.

You should be able to rent CERN's hadron collider. You should be able to have children's birthday parties inside. You should be able to play dodge the particle and pin the tail on the donkey. You should be able to mildly throw up a bit of Safeway sheet cake on some censors. All should feel welcome.

I miss this game

It's November 5th and I can't remember something I'm supposed to never forget

I think I'm gonna fire up animal crossing this weekend

The only trait I share with Trump is we dance the same and that is now the source of all my misery in this physical world.

Here's a hot take sure to get me cancelled! I liked him better than Mulder on that them there X-files show.

I wish onions and mustard would explode on MY chest. I'd handle it like a champ.

My toxic trait is that when I finally watched Jersey Shore last year I did not understand the Snooki hate and in fact like her. I hope she comes here and runs around all crazy inside the haunted coal mine.

learning

"My kids know me as this ape"

🅸 🅰🅼 🅱🅻🅾🅰🆃🅴🅳 🅰🆂 🅷🅴🅻🅻

Cunty! Slay!