All I really want is the cloak and hat Bruce Dickinson wears when Iron Maiden performs “Fear of the Dark” live. Is that too much to ask? And you know, health and world peace or whatever.

"PUT IT DOWN." (me, to absolutely everyone, at the ska show)

Going to be late to stupid work because I have to put on my stupid shoes

i like that Paul Simon gets big cocky with his theory that there's 50 ways to leave your lover, and then when pressed for answers he's only got like six and one of them is just "get on the bus"

Looooook

Me: doing a little rain dance

Hell is preparing accordingly.

I love Goodreads, but what if I died reading something really embarrassing and it just stayed on my profile for eternity?

It is very hot in my office this morning. I think we should shut the building down and all go home.

My son’s gf texted me to see when I was coming to visit so I could hold her hand while she got her septum pierced, so I pretty much win at everything.

I know it is summer. But 104 degrees seems a bit much, Earth.

Charmed by sausage stickers

Why do the plots of so many mobile games revolve around pregnant mothers who will freeze to death unless they merge matching things?

This is the face of a gentleman who does not want to take his medicine.

Convinced my book club to read “Paradise Rot”. This should go well.

Came here after work and legit do not understand why my feed is full of Top of the Pops posts. (I’m just using context clues here. #totp could mean something entirely different)

This cat just hissed at her own tail and then got mad at me when I laughed.

Conversation I just heard outside my office. 1st Lady: Do you teach today? 2nd Lady: No. It’s Thursday, right? 1st Lady: Yes. Guys. It is 8:10 on a Monday morning.

Conversation I just heard outside my office. 1st Lady: Do you teach today? 2nd Lady: No. It’s Thursday, right? 1st Lady: Yes. Guys. It is 8:10 on a Monday morning.

I'm not even excited about America's 250th birthday anymore

Headline: Trump to headline Great American State Fair after music acts cancel *me picturing DJT with an acoustic guitar and one of those harmonica holders around his neck singing that song where one guy puts his boot in some other guy’s ass*

Reuters: US JUDGE ORDERS TRUMP ADMINISTRATION TO REMOVE PRESIDENT TRUMP'S NAME FROM KENNEDY CENTER BUILDING - ORDER

It is in the Washington Post, but it sure looks like Robert Heinlein wrote this.

The Fiesta Trio is the latest ensemble to announce they will not be performing at America 250.

Why would counting holes in a skirt make a person a narcissist and what the fuck is wrong with facebook’s algorithm?

Thanks to aging and gravity’s cruelty the groove is now in the colon

fred flintstone: yabba dabba doo! neurologist [to wilma]: as i was saying, we need to run more tests

THERAPIST: About how often would you say you fall apart? BRIGHT EYES: Every now and then. THERAPIST: Have you thought about turning around?

Tempting fate. Good morning! 🩷

anybody have any pink ones

establishing dominance by saying “i knew you’d say that” after everything the psychic tells me

Why does Starbucks hate napkins?

Yes, it is super fucking hot, but my car is being a bit hyperbolic.

this has got to be the worst time in american history to make the totally sensible and correct argument that we should pay people in congress more than we do

me: JUNCLE, the uncle made out of junk mark cuban: [pressing the silent alarm button]

Me: We are closer in time to the T-Rex than the T-Rex was to the Stegosaurus. Customs agent: *sighs*I just want to know if you have any purchases to declare.

how dare it be morning

The Goon Squad turns 22 today, for those of you who have been around for most of it. And the boy just graduated from Berklee. It seems like they were just babies. Time is crazy.

You don’t have to sweat to the oldies. You can listen to them in a walk in freezer while you wait to die.

I admit it. I am thrilled that the new season of 90 Day Fiancée is all new couples.

For once I'd like to win my shit.

What is your favorite U2 song? (I have research reasons)

Nothing gives me Covid flashbacks as much as coming downstairs to see my husband in the kitchen wearing a collared button down shirt with red basketball shorts.

there's no marcomentum, stop trying to make marcomentum happen.

Ouch, bro.

SHAFT

Tesco, emailing me this terrifying motherfucker to me on a Sunday morning is an act of war, what the fuck, no I will not meet Plumbert I will destroy Plumbert

Scored $ .60 off a gallon of gas at Safeway and it is still $ 4.399 a gallon Ouch