Things are too scary today. Please distract yourself with this picture of Billy trying to sneak up on the girl cat. #caturday

"The Islamists oppose women getting an education," I mutter, as I aim my missile at the girls school

Ohhhhhh!!! BORED of Peace.

I think we all know which country’s regime is the most destabilizing to the world. It isn’t Iran.

We’re so fucked.

As a person who used to pass out when getting vaccinated, I am proud to say that I am currently donating blood.

If you had to recommend one book to read (not including The Bible) that is most often referenced in other literature, which one would you choose?

my uncle runs a place in Anchorage that serves fish and chips, and he named the half portion the "Texas size" which is just an incredible troll

Nobody: My brain, all day: My man MCA’s got a beard like a billy goat!

attempting the dirty dancing lift with my cat but his upper body strength is just pathetic

I play mobile games enough to have opinions on which Quince model I hate the most.

Shit sandwich

Can you imagine any other President shit talking the Supreme Court in front the justices?

Just puttin' it out there.

I heard people are predicting the SoTU is going to go 3 hours. I will commit seppuku at 2 hours and 20 minutes Or I will go to bed, but definitely one of those two

This SoTU is going to go into double overtime if he keeps talking about the Olympics forever.

These bitches are going to ruin hockey for me.

Vance looks like he has to poop.

Does anyone have the presale code for the Tomahawk / Melvins show in DC at the 9:30 club?

Hey Canada we’ll trade you one hockey gold metal for one sane president

This face is how you get away with scratching my leather couch. #caturday

When you saw only one set of footprints, that was when I was doing a wicked long jump.

When I am Queen I am going to make it illegal for Lyft drivers to force me to listen to modern country music.

"thin places" are locations where the veil between the physical and spiritual worlds is said to be particularly thin.

The Gen X urge to pump up the jam. (This is absurd. I’ve always been a metalhead. Why are all of my jokes top 40?)

Sorry if I'm messing things up this is my first time living through a dystopia

Nothing beats putting on my workout jeans straight from the dryer.

[painstakingly transferring my bodily waste to the sink]

The Gen X urge to go back to Cali.

I’m going to need some new super angry music to get me through today. Please send recommendations

The Supreme Court:

This picture is so crazy that if you had this as a scene in a made-for-TV dystopian scifi movie in like 2014 people would switch channels because you’d ruined the suspension of disbelief.

Wednesday

Just now. Nurse: Do you smoke? Me: No. Nurse: Do you drink? Me: Yes. Nurse: How many days a month would you say? Me: 30?

I just got diagnosed with tennis elbow. I don’t think I have played a game tennis since 1998.

I didn't like the puppy bowl, I couldn't understand a word they were saying.

Oh good, Friday the 13th. That is EXACTLY what we need right now. * rolls eyes for 24 hours straight

Has anyone here ever tried a Pulsetto in real life? Does it do anything?

BAAAAAAABE BABE BABE BABE WAKE UP THEY’RE RECREATING THE 2008 FINANCIAL CRISIS FROM FIRST PRINCIPLES

Watters: I was walking in my street, a car drives by and I give him a wave. He rolls down the window and says, “F U fascist.” He doesn’t know I’m a fascist! Jessica: Yes, he does. You’re on TV.

“and then this motherfucker puts a FEATHER in his CAP, and you are not gonna believe what he called that shit. guess. just fuckin guess.”

Grammarly implies the existence of Gramparly

Just realizing that the last three times I took time off it was for a funeral, a colonoscopy and a therapy appointment. I think it might be time to plan a vacation.

They are saying Kid Rock handed his Grammy to lil’ Kyle Rittenhouse during the halftime show. (Not true. Kid Rock has never won a Grammy).

I can literally hear the racists shrieking and losing their minds right now over the all Spanish language Bad Boy Super Bowl Halftime Show. It’s awesome. Cry more! Die mad.

bad bunny already has more yards than the patriots

And then, he was a Good Bunny. A very Good Bunny. The End.

On for the lip synching rigamarole…