Guess who has 4 thumbs and isn't allowed to visit the morgue anymore?

Ha

Meet me at the ghost disco

Do we all think Jet Tila owes Food Network money? How is he the judge on every competition show?

I stand with GWAR

BREAKING: In place of Jimmy Kimmel’s return, Sinclair and Nexstar will broadcast 90 minutes of Ezra Klein criticizing you for not reading “The Bell Curve”

OH MA GEDDON

Tylenol, Kimmel, the rapture, the batshit crazy shit we said at the UN are all attempts to make us forget about the Epstein Files.

I haven’t been outside yet. Are they gone?

I ate a five pound bag of potatoes and a box of pasta today because if the rapture's gonna take me, it's gonna have to work for it.

Hear me out… a rapture, but just for people who traveled to the memorial/rally.

Canada celebrates The Rapture in October

If you have a rent-controlled apartment and follow the word of Jesus Christ, please contact me before tomorrow

thinking about all the shit i’m going to loot if the rapture actually happens

Technologically advance a band: El Chapo Escape Plan

Technologically advance a band: Skin Graft for Lulu

Technologically advance a band: Ned’s Atomic Trash Compactor

The rave at the beginning of Blade, but instead of blood from the sprinklers, it's self-esteem

Listen, I have Tuesday off, so if we are going to do the rapture can we move it up to Monday?

the last person to log off tonight is “it” I don’t make the rules

This rapture could really help with the housing crisis.

Why do the Bucs insist on giving me a heart attack every single week?

me: *sipping a mai tai* aaah, I love a good lazy river Charon: where did you get that

The world is burning down around us and I am supposed to pretend to care about toner?

I am so sick of people telling me I need a “skincare routine”. I just go to sleep.

welcome to The Resistance, *checks notes* *sighs* *weeps gently* ...michael eisner

Just to be clear - now government is saying second amendment good, first amendment bad?

iQuote with a gif you can hear

Christ. I wish I hadn’t looked up what phrogging was. *adds to list of irrational fears

I’m on a big zoom call for work and one guy has his camera on and he is driving and chewing the shit out of his gum - super distracting. I am not even following what the speaker is talking about because I can’t stop watching this guy going to town on his gum.

I would love to be part of the conversation on MSNBC related to the Kimmel story and it's chilling effects on first amendment, but unfortunately I was terminated by MSNBC for stating that "hateful thoughts lead to hateful words which lead to hateful actions".

trump white house taking a strong stance against [checks notes] opposing fascism.

The world is going to shit. It is probably okay to eat brownies for breakfast.

Jimmy Fallon as the last late-night host standing is truly the kind of dire shit you hope the graphic novel memoirs don't leave out in 30 years

someday this coup shall pass

You just know that these ICE agents hiding their faces at work now are the same people who wouldn’t wear masks during COVID.

Absolutely losing my mind in the last minute of the football game, like I’ve been doing for 35 years, like a normal Bucs fan.

Just got accused of being “such a girl” for yelling “OH NO!” when Baker Mayfield fumbled.

Battle doomscrolling by posting 5 small pleasure in life: 1. Hockey 2. Fine Wine 3. Old Tampa Death Metal 4. Cheese Tray 5. Looking at the ocean

if you see this, quote with the energy you bring to bluesky

5 Favorite albums of any genre Sepultura - Chaos A.D. Nine Inch Nails - Pretty Hate Machine Alice In Chains - Dirt Royal Blood - Royal Blood Blur - Leisure

I tried so hard and got so far and in the end I disrupted B2B sales with my innovative strategies - LinkedIn Park

God: make a bird that hangs out with pirates and repeats everything they say Angel: look man, I know Mrs God left you, but get a grip

Just learned what a Groyper was. I wish I hadn’t.

My message is clear: Oo ee oo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang

The doctor fixed him right up #caturday

I love you to the moon. But not back, that's just ridiculous.