legit had no idea where she was and then she woke up

you with your chatgpt girlfriend

Can't wait til a guy cheats on his chatgtp girlfriend and she electrocutes him in his sleep

Post you from a different era. Big Bang. 13.8 billion yrs ago

If you have a regional accent, please never try to get rid of it. Accents tell stories.

One thing that kind of got missed in that oval office health announcement debacle yesterday is that they were saying they were decreasing the cost of ozempic so Americans could lose weight and be healthier and then the guy from ozempic turned grey and collapsed

The diagram for what Palantir does is like if Richard Scarry got super paranoid and did an Apocalypse picture book

please consider buying this cool shirt i made

lol so baby echidnas (puggles) look like a chicken thigh that came to life

People are weirder since covid you know it's true

so it's been like this for a while I see

We can't take advice about empathy from someone who is neurologically incapable of experiencing it. Elon cannot understand that it's a vital part of being fully human. Calling empathy a "weakness" is like letting a color-blind person declare "Red isn't real" and "Green is destroying our society"

How your phone looks at you while it monitors your weekly screen time.

NO! They're eating the ONIONS! They're eating the MUSTARD!

finance guys on twitter are like "can't believe zohran hired lina khan. she wants to make it illegal to bundle memecoin futures into junk stocks and sell them to public worker pension plans. the public won't stand for it."

We’re flying today and this is just a gentle reminder to thank the TSA they’re working without pay and it’s a tough job

Oh great here come all the sub par jokes

dormant reflex from the heroin years. guy goes down you get the hell out of there

rfk jr saw someone was down and ran to get his roadkill chainsaw

Could not figure out how Sarah Paulson, Naomi Watts and Glenn Close could be in the kim kardashian tv show but I just saw a clip and they're very obviously dissociating through the whole thing lol (Glenn may also be drunk)

lol so baby echidnas (puggles) look like a chicken thigh that came to life

i'm hosting LUCHA VAVOOM with special guest DREW CAREY at the Fox Theater in Pomona this Saturday November 8 if you're into that sort of thing @drewfromtv.bsky.social

Actually this is my tenth rodeo I just refuse to learn new things

For the past six months I’ve had a tambourine in the boot of my car that jingles every time I go over a speed bump, and I think this is the kind of everyday whimsy we all need more of in 2025.

If Subway don’t make a ‘felony footlong’ special edition now, they’re really missing a marketing opportunity. ‘Aerodynamic and aromatic - you can smell the mustard and onions’.

Someone in a Teams meeting just said “It’s the old chicken and the egg question isn’t it? Why did they cross the road?” then realised what they’d said and turned their camera off.

i'll tell you what, i'm enjoying this night of making my haters my waiters at the table of success

ZING.

WOW. 81% of women 18-29 voted for Mamdani, 80% for Sherril, and 78% for Spanberger. Gen Z women aren't playing around.

Gotta get myself an aloof wife and I'll be unstoppable

people would rather be governed than ruled

damn relentless hope lol

ugh. YES.

typos when other people make them: ignored typos when I make them: this is gonna ruin the tour

having hope feels so dangerous......but there it is. happening

Well, now that I’ve avoided directly answering if I’m wearing a wire, let’s turn the subject to active crimes.

City of Sickos

Actually this is my tenth rodeo I just refuse to learn new things

Hope. ❤️ (And $8 halal cart chicken over rice!)

Cuomo immediately discovering that Staten Island is run by the vampires from What We Do in the Shadows and getting back onto the ferry in defeat #2 of the night

She is the first woman to be mayor of Detroit since the city was founded 323 years ago. blacknews.com/news/mary-sh...

sry can't hear you over the skidding tires of billionaires leaving new york

it's 100% ketchup steaks to-the-wall at the white house tonight

It's always amazing to me how American politics vilifies someone like Mamdani or AOC for their outrageous, dangerous, socialist takes, and meanwhile in Canada there are candidates like them in every election, anywhere. It really is okay to care about people and the world you're building together

One kind of sad thing about all the hate rn is that Zohran Mamdani is actually living the classic American dream story. It's what they've told us the United States is all about all our lives. They're the ones who're changing the rules to serve themselves, and we don't have to go along with it.

Something good happened wtf

As the dogs and bees continued their attack, I tried in vain to remember my favorite things.

One week ago the owner of my local bodega told me he didn’t do politics. Tonight he was wearing a NYC “I voted” sticker, saw me and smiled. “I changed my mind,” he said.