If you're overwhelmed and feeling like you can no longer carry the enormous burdons life throws at you, I highly recommend eating tacos about it. I've been using this strategy for years. It's wildly ineffective SO FAR but maybe these next tacos. Maybe

The only good part of cooking is the step where you leat the meat rest. When the meat is resting, you should be resting.

Oof yeah, so sorry but we're actually not going to be able to help you out with those affordable groceries and health care after all. lol it's actually a REALLY funny story, but the president got into some hot water and needs $10 billion lmao

God gives his strongest soldiers the biggest tummy aches

An average novel has around 80,000-100,000 words. 10 full novels filled with nothing but Trump's name in the Epstein Files. Someone needs to create a worse version of hell

"Right wing activist" bro just say nazi

Friend: Hey how are you? Me: [On the verge of having a complete mental breakdown] pretty good how are you

Every episode of Pawn Stars Customer: This gold flute was my late grandmother's most beloved possession, given to her for her efforts fighting the nazis. When she died, her spirit came to rest inside of it. I'm asking $109,000. Rick: Best I can do is $30. Customer: Hm. OK deal.

[3 AM] Me: Why are any of us here, really? Zoo security guard: I'm asking about you, specifically.

Really jumped the gun when we started calling it "doomscrolling" in 2018

Conservatives who spent the last decade making the second amendment a central part of their identity after claiming ICE was justified in murdering Alex Pretti because he had a gun

Them: Productivity becomes a habit. You'll start to crave the dopamine from accomplishing things you set out to do My brain every time I zone back in after 2 frantic hours of hyperfocused productivity: Time to become incapable of starting even the smallest task for the next 12 days, as a treat

Maybe this will be the notebook that cures me of a lifetime of struggling with executive functioning.

Self-care when you feel good and self-care when you feel bad are completely different things. Self-care on a good day? Eat a salad. Bad day? Midnight cake. Feel-good me is gonna carefully do my full skincare routine. Feel-bad me is gonna fall asleep with a Cheeto stuck to my face

The greatest trick in history is the elite's ability to convince common people where they stand in us vs. them. You will never be the "us." You will fight their battles and sacrifice your humanity for their cause, but you will never gain anything more than temporary safety. Hope it's worth it

Whoever named fireplaces absolutely nailed it.

Snapple prints their caps at the fun fact-ory.

You know the feeling where you look at a clock and you're like, "oh shit, how is it this late when I've gotten nothing done?" I just had that feeling, but with how long I've been alive.

The days between Christmas and New Years are like the purge. There are no rules. Time isn't real. Forget to go to work? Fuck your landlord? Drive your car through a 7-11? Everything resets soon. You'll wake up January 1st with only a slight headache & haze of regret.

Stores before Christmas: BUY ALL OF THIS HOLIDAY SHIT Me: Absolutely not. Stores after Christmas: BUY ALL OF THIS DISCOUNTED HOLIDAY SHIT Me: Yeah ok

Admitting you're attracted to Santa means you're coming out of the clauset. Thanks.

Buddy, you're seriously mad that someone who was born a man is now a woman? People are out there killing people. Pedophiles are running the world. You share 50% of your DNA with a banana bro shut the fuck up

Tried to save a contact as "Josh Tinder" but I already fucking had a "Josh Tinder" so that's how my life's going.

It's fine if I forget my headphones because instead of listening to my favorite podcasts, I listen to the one that plays 24/7 in my head (an analysis of every conversation I've ever had and every conversation I might have in the future, it's called "Nobody Will Ever Love You")

I don't need to watch unboxing videos, I have Opening the Microwave with ADHD. Will it be empty? Is yesterday's breakfast still in there? Will I go to heat up my coffee and find another mug of coffee? The passport I just spent $150 replacing? Impossible to say

Me: It's important to give people grace. You never know what battle they're fighting. Me in traffic: I hope you can juggle, because you drive like a fucking clown

The left and the right hearing Trump call Mamdani "a very rational person"

Idk I just think it's important to remember that if you knew you were consuming propaganda, the propaganda wouldn't work.

The fact that this is the pope makes it even more surreal that we're in living in this bad of a timeline.

Walnut is not feeling well & has taken this opportunity to reach the next level of cling.

Big year for depraved idiots.

Sending out my Halloween cards through the ghost office. I am so tired all the time

Good news: the most pathetic dweebs you've ever met finally left their moms' basements. Bad news, we gave them guns and tactical gear.

Zinnie doesn't understand why this cat won't be her friend. Who's going to tell her

If I had a restaurant, I would let ICE agents eat there whenever they want. Oh and my restaurant would be called Snapplebees because we only serve Snapple bottles filled with bees.

So we're all just one light breeze away from completely losing it, right

Forgive me if I'm a big idiot. But why does the government get to vote on whether or not to release the Epstein files? If I buried a body in my backyard, do I get a vote as to whether or not I let the detective with a shovel in or what

I don't know man. At this point, paying taxes feels like giving a bully your lunch money so they can hire more bullies to steal your lunch money.

[Wakes up] I really can't deal with this right now.

I bet spiders get pretty excited when they see people laying in hammocks

"Not all jobs are supposed to earn you a living wage" oh for sure, this is my recreational job.

Joe Rogan reminds me a lot of my dog in the sense that the most recent thing he heard is the most exciting, and is also the only thing he remembers.

"The only true way to fail is to stop trying" nah bro I found like 6 other ways

8 hours of sleep isn't enough anymore. I need the kind of sleep that comes after a long day in the sun, smoking a joint, and doing a shot of NyQuil. The kind of sleep I'll need therapy after because I'm no longer sure I even exist.

Gotta hand it to him, Charlie Kirk did make one final very persuasive argument for protecting the second amendment.

Sure it's not great in this context, but seeing Hallmark's line of "Thinly-Veiled Confession" birthday cards finally getting the attention they deserve is pretty exciting.

American healthcare system tip: It's significantly cheaper and faster to find a psychiatrist on Tinder, go on a date, and act really interested in his career to get your medication questions answered than it is to make an appointment with one.

lmao congrats on being woke, bro. Got a raging hard-on for updating your worldview based on new information? Just horny as hell for gaining a deeper understanding of social issues? This motherfucker straight up cares about other people lmfaoooo

I was too young to appreciate how similar I am to my unexpectedly raunchy grandma before she died, so in her honor, here's a joke she loved: My grandma: Did you hear about the guy with 3 penises? My grandpa: What? How did his pants fit? My grandma: Like a glove.