I'm opening a store that sells tail extensions for dogs who had theirs docked. A retail store.

At this point, whatever

Is being subpar at golf a good thing or a bad thing

Maybe the boomers are right, and all we need to do to live comfortably and afford property is stop spending money on frivolous things like *checks notes* food

[Slaps head] this baby can fit so much anxiety

I live in the greatest country in the world. I pay $450 a month for health insurance so I can pay $250 to go to a doctor who prescribes me a medication that I can't afford because it isn't covered by insurance.

Whenever you think you don't matter, remember that you could be the one to introduce your neurodivergent friend to the phrase they're going to repeat 28 times a day for the rest of their lives.

I need a second therapist to help me figure out if my first therapist is mad at me

Sorry, I can't stop by after work I'm already running late for being home from work.

"If it gives you a stomach ache, just stop eating it" you literally don't understand me at all

They'll refer to this time in history as the unenlightenment.

Having a job is really exhausting but at least I get to spend all the money I make on shit I don't want

Being an adult is great if you like the idea of limping for the first hour of every day.

Babe, what's wrong? You've barely touched your ₥₳₦-₥₳ĐɆ ⱧØⱤⱤØⱤ₴ ฿ɆɎØ₦Đ ØɄⱤ ₵Ø₥₱ⱤɆⱧɆ₦₴łØ₦

"The sun really ages you" yeah so does hearing a podcaster you've been listening to for a decade suddenly start making offhand comments about cool birds they've seen, but there's no protection against that

I will never be excited for a new season of a show to come out because I was so excited to get to the next season of childhood (adulthood) and look what fucking happened

I don't care how tall you are. Why don't dating apps let me filter by moustache

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

This couple I know owned a bakery together, and had to figure out how ownership would work after they got divorced. It was a brutal custardy battle

"Why are so many people choosing not to have kids?" we have $78 a month left over after paying our perpetually-rising bills. Even after spending half our rent on health insurance, going to the doctor is prohibitively expensive. You got any $78 kids who don't get sick or what

Maybe I don't need to go back to therapy maybe I just need bangs

Walked in on Pancake doing an impression of an outdoor cat

Dear every author and screenwriter: You don't have to kill the dog. You can make the dog live forever. Stop using your powers for evil.

"Money can't buy happiness" OK but I was feeling really bad and then I bought $35 of clearance Easter candy for like $7 and then ate a bunch of it in the Target parking lot and I actually feel a little better.

I like to think that I'm strong, smart, and capable, but there are days I'm truly not positive I'd recognize my ex husband of over a decade if he dressed up as an old woman and proceeded to nanny our kids in the home we used to share.

Last year one of my students was absolutely losing his shit and another kid turned to him and goes "hey, you want one of my waffles?" and let me tell you, that kid settled the fuck down and ate his waffle. A 9 year old has better de-escalation tactics than the police.

They really took the oldest land animal on earth, an incredible and magnificent tortoise who has lived though two world wars, the second industrial revolution, the development of quantum physics, and named him Jonathan.

Thinking about replacing my endless scrolling (sad) with endless scrolling (happy).

I'm going to open a wolf sanctuary and name them all after thought leaders I respect. The first one is going to be Karl Barx and that's all I have so far but it feels like a strong start

Every single thing I regularly buy has gotten worse in quality, but at least they've also gotten more expensive.

Turning chicken into dinosaur-shaped nuggets is reverse evolution.

We should've stopped somewhere between discovering fire and filing taxes. We did too much

I'm a very chill person as long as everything goes exactly as planned and I never encounter even a minor inconvenience.

She died doing what she loved; trying to attract a cute guy's attention by seeing how loudly she could crack her back.

I wouldn't tell people I won the lottery, but there would be signs

The fact that "one trick pony" is not a compliment means we're probably putting too much pressure on ponies.

Sometimes a thought repeatedly pops into my head and I don't know what to do with it, so: L. L. Cool Beans You have to deal with it now.

Bring back settling deep personal feuds by snapping rhythmically in alleys

You ever see yourself from the side and wonder how anyone could ever love you

We need antidepressants built for this era, not the ones built for an era where everything was more or less fine. I need Turbo-Powered Lexipro. Prozac Extreme™. I need god to spit directly into my mouth

Therapist: What are your goals for therapy? What do you hope we accomplish here? Me: I just want to have the desire to look both ways before I cross the street again. Therapist: [Takes like, a lot of notes]

My neighborhood is the epitome of quiet resistance. They created groups to keep ICE watch outside of the elementary school. Organized food deliveries for families afraid to leave home. Seeing this addition to our little free library was *chef's kiss* I fucking love it here

If you're overwhelmed and feeling like you can no longer carry the enormous burdons life throws at you, I highly recommend eating tacos about it. I've been using this strategy for years. It's wildly ineffective SO FAR but maybe these next tacos. Maybe

The only good part of cooking is the step where you leat the meat rest. When the meat is resting, you should be resting.

Oof yeah, so sorry but we're actually not going to be able to help you out with those affordable groceries and health care after all. lol it's actually a REALLY funny story, but the president got into some hot water and needs $10 billion lmao

God gives his strongest soldiers the biggest tummy aches

An average novel has around 80,000-100,000 words. 10 full novels filled with nothing but Trump's name in the Epstein Files. Someone needs to create a worse version of hell

"Right wing activist" bro just say nazi

Friend: Hey how are you? Me: [On the verge of having a complete mental breakdown] pretty good how are you

Every episode of Pawn Stars Customer: This gold flute was my late grandmother's most beloved possession, given to her for her efforts fighting the nazis. When she died, her spirit came to rest inside of it. I'm asking $109,000. Rick: Best I can do is $30. Customer: Hm. OK deal.