Walnut is not feeling well & has taken this opportunity to reach the next level of cling.

Big year for depraved idiots.

Sending out my Halloween cards through the ghost office. I am so tired all the time

Good news: the most pathetic dweebs you've ever met finally left their moms' basements. Bad news, we gave them guns and tactical gear.

Zinnie doesn't understand why this cat won't be her friend. Who's going to tell her

If I had a restaurant, I would let ICE agents eat there whenever they want. Oh and my restaurant would be called Snapplebees because we only serve Snapple bottles filled with bees.

So we're all just one light breeze away from completely losing it, right

Forgive me if I'm a big idiot. But why does the government get to vote on whether or not to release the Epstein files? If I buried a body in my backyard, do I get a vote as to whether or not I let the detective with a shovel in or what

I don't know man. At this point, paying taxes feels like giving a bully your lunch money so they can hire more bullies to steal your lunch money.

[Wakes up] I really can't deal with this right now.

I bet spiders get pretty excited when they see people laying in hammocks

"Not all jobs are supposed to earn you a living wage" oh for sure, this is my recreational job.

Joe Rogan reminds me a lot of my dog in the sense that the most recent thing he heard is the most exciting, and is also the only thing he remembers.

"The only true way to fail is to stop trying" nah bro I found like 6 other ways

8 hours of sleep isn't enough anymore. I need the kind of sleep that comes after a long day in the sun, smoking a joint, and doing a shot of NyQuil. The kind of sleep I'll need therapy after because I'm no longer sure I even exist.

Gotta hand it to him, Charlie Kirk did make one final very persuasive argument for protecting the second amendment.

Sure it's not great in this context, but seeing Hallmark's line of "Thinly-Veiled Confession" birthday cards finally getting the attention they deserve is pretty exciting.

American healthcare system tip: It's significantly cheaper and faster to find a psychiatrist on Tinder, go on a date, and act really interested in his career to get your medication questions answered than it is to make an appointment with one.

lmao congrats on being woke, bro. Got a raging hard-on for updating your worldview based on new information? Just horny as hell for gaining a deeper understanding of social issues? This motherfucker straight up cares about other people lmfaoooo

I was too young to appreciate how similar I am to my unexpectedly raunchy grandma before she died, so in her honor, here's a joke she loved: My grandma: Did you hear about the guy with 3 penises? My grandpa: What? How did his pants fit? My grandma: Like a glove.

No I don't want to "put some in the fridge," these are my emotional support six different drinks.

No way the brain that used to call my friends' houses and talk to their parents or siblings with no guarantee that they were even home is the same brain that now convinces me that ending friendships is easier than responding to a text I neglected for 2 weeks.

People with ADHD for the entire day when they have an appointment at 3 pm

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

I don't understand how people lose a lot of money gambling. In high school a vending machine ate my money and I haven't used a vending machine since

Woman: I'm tired of people commenting on my body. Men: Yes! Nobody has the right to make you feel bad about your body. Woman: I didn't say the comments were hateful, they actu- Men: Here's what 𝙄 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠 about your body, it's all good! OK let's start with (1/18)

Sorry I didn't tell that person you said hi, literally everyone who has ever asked me to do that.

ADHD is a misleading diagnosis. I don't have an attention deficit. My attention span is powerful and unwavering, but it's also feral and ungovernable.

Somehow ended up tutoring a kid in AP Gov which is honestly so pointless. Every day we talk about "laws" and "amendments" and every day we spend most of the time wondering if we should even bother. AP Gov is the new writing in cursive

I like to think I'm responsible but then I remember that in college I agreed to meet a Tinder date for the first time in person at 10 pm in a forest.

Of course we're all filled with microplastics. This was the most popular water bottle for a solid decade.

In high school, I was complaining about how long the school day was and my teacher turned to me and said, "the days are long, but the years are short" and I was like "what the fuck are you talking about you lunatic" and then the bell rang and now I'm in my 30s.

Me: 8 cookies is Too Many Cookies to eat in a day. Me: [Eats 8 cookies in a day] ok well now that I've had Too Many Cookies, any more would still just be Too Many Cookies so really all cookies are fair game for the rest of today.

Sometimes I get anxious when I do something well because maybe people are going to expect that forever & anything I do afterwards is disappointing by comparison. Like, sorry but the Very Good Job I did was a big accident that won't happen again.

Just pressing "update later" every single day until I have to get a new computer. Also doing the human equivalent of that to my body until I straight up die

I just think that if someone isn't a pedophile, they'd be very excited to prove to everyone that they absolutely aren't a pedophile. They'd show everyone the Big Pedophile List like, "look, I'm super not on it." unless

The most beautiful experience I've ever had was 2 years ago in a grocery store, when I saw someone from high school from across the produce section. We locked eyes, had a simultaneous flash of recognition, and made a silent, mutual decision to pretend we didn't notice each other.

I want to be cool and mysterious but I cannot fucking stop oversharing. I overshare so much that it makes people think I must be lying or hiding something which I guess circles right back to mysterious. nice

A show about successfully stealing birds from an aviary, call it How to Get Away with Murder

Tinder is one of the most terrifying places in the world. What do you mean you're 28 and a surgeon? Who is letting a kid cut people open? "I've been flying planes since I was 16" someone call this child's parents

Noise-canceling headphones aren't enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist

Not to get too political, but it'd be great if fewer bad things happened and more good things happened.

Sorry for the delayed response, it's just that I don't give a shit about any of this. Not even a little

Solve a debate for me: after how many energy drinks in a single day is it healthier to just do coke

A 10 year old asked how tall I am and I said "around 5'9" but he insisted I was definitely taller, "at least 6 feet tall" like the little dude is already preparing to be a guy on a dating app

I'm tired of "working hard" and "trying my best." I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

Smelling candles at Home Goods until I feel lightheaded like I'm doing the suburban mom version of whippets

I sure say "it's all good" a lot for someone with an endless running mental list of everything that is extremely not good

Funny Bone? more like Tickle Me Elbow. lol I am so tired

If you're worried about people remembering every embarrassing thing you did, think about it. Can you remember other people's embarrassing moments? No. That's because you're the only one who's ever done something embarrassing. What the fuck is wrong with you lmao