You know what they say, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, go fuck yourself.

Another appropriate accolade for Space Karen.

It's weird as hell hearing an organic harry potter reference in this, the year of Luigi 2025. Like with Kanye, Richard Dawkins, R Kelly, Jimmy Savile, and Drake, after enough time a person stops being "famous ____ who is a piece of shit" and "piece of shit who used to be a famous ____."

A seminar I attended recently was called “How to Debate the Right Wing” and had this photo on the cover of the program guide.

good news, my therapist said I'm cured and to never contact her again

I used "pegging" in a zoom marketing meeting today, thinking it meant targeting a donor group. I've never seen so many heads snap up at once at the use of a word.

When you stake out a nice rural patch to watch the majesty of the Northern Lights but instead you just see old episodes of Angel projected across the sky, that's called Aurora Boreanaz.

Always wear black to therapy to prove you can't be helped.

I stand under the shower's spray—blood from my would-be usurper clone twisting down the drain—and slowly realize all my scars are missing…

Devil: Is there a problem? Soul: I was told there is a special place in hell for me. This is just okay. Devil: Soul: I'm a little let down. Devil: Good.

Help mom I’m being bullied by 87 year old novella writer Joyce Carol Oates again can you pick me up

Me: Why were my tests so expensive? Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art. Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor? Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

“I’ll just slip into something more comfortable,” I say, walking into the ocean.

Senate Democrats: what just happened under our current leadership is a total travesty Also Senate Democrats: i have nothing to say about whether our current leadership may be part of the problem

Oh no I only stopped by for couple but the owner just gave me a fourth beer and now I would just be a dick if didn’t drink it.

Reminder to everyone newish to Wisconsin, if there's a Packer game on, you can just steal shit from wherever. Nobody will care or know.

Analysis | Yes, Democrats won last Tuesday's elections by double digits. However, they did not win them by triple digits. The time had come to cave to Trump.

my Edmund Fitzgerald was a Great Lakes freighter for 17 years. i walked with her load of iron ore, twenty-six thousand tons more than she weighed empty. you wouldn't survive 3 seconds in her vagina when the gales of November come early. i miss her terribly.

my wife and i saw you from across the bar and were wondering if you always chew your food like that

Eight geriatric retirees should not have the power to kill our dreams of a better republic

Seeing a lot of "Schumer caved because AIPAC" and while I have no love for AIPAC I would just ask that we not

I know everyone is dealing with their own issues but I was making a sandwich and realized I'm out of mayonnaise.

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

"save your anger for 2026" wait you think I'll run out in a year this is why I hate amateurs

during a conversation with my bestie, I had to google how much it will cost to cremate me if I drop dead while on disability, and dudes! it is only like $2300, so we totally are gonna be able to afford this if y’all pitch in.

i think it’s hilarious that like every company fired all their black employees at the beginning of the year and now by the end of the year they’re all on the verge of going out of business

As an adult not much is stopping you from eating a cartoonishly large wheel of cheese in the manner of a candy bar. You could be carrying around a 50lb wheel of cheese to nibble on all day long, but you have made the choice not to.

i don’t trust most of you to sit in the emergency exit row

shhhh..🤫 greg is *this* close to 5k followers. let's nudge him over the line and pretend we don't know how he got there. he is kinda funny... now be quiet. i was never here.

DONALD TRUMP: [asleep, drooling on long red tie] SENATE DEMOCRATS: fine, we give in

“i fold,” said the poker player & the laundromat guy & the origami artist & the dems &

Hamburger helps those that help themselves

I’d like to thank all the replies telling me that an insurgent group taking over a party and transforming it could never happen. I stupidly believed all these dumb books chronicling the many times it’s happened before, but you all set me straight.

I'm no fancy six-figure political wag, but @zachwahls.bsky.social just got some of the meager bucks I have, an impossibility a day after the spinal implosion of the Democratic leadership, by campaigning to blow shit up. IN the party. DSCC shouldn't get a fking dime from any of us until that happens.

Scrolling, I see the name Christine Pelosi then a bright flash, the world goes hollow, I'm disoriented, a high-pitched ringing begins, I'm stumbling, I feel a wetness at my ear, my hand comes away streaked red

WHO THE FUCK PUT ME ON ANOTHER LIST??? Thank you, if you did. You are nice. Sorry if that query seemed oddly aggressive.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

leaving a trail of stock options to lead senate dems onto the ice floe and then sending them out to sea

Scientists came to this conclusion after NASA's Juno spacecraft captured images of Io taking off its dowdy glasses and shaking out its thick, lustrous hair.

From the June No Kings March, thousands of people in Pittsburgh chanting FUCK JOHN FETTERMAN!

Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage

chat better stay hydrated, the list of graves to piss on is only getting longer

"How could Dems cave like this after last Tuesday's victory?" But it wasn't a victory for Schumer. His candidate -- the Trump-supported one -- lost. The jubilation and hope folks feel about Mamdani? Chuck feels the opposite. To sum up: he sucks.

look, if you need one good piece of news tonight, Aaron Rodgers is eating shit

It was harder getting endorsements for Zohran Mamdani from Democrats than them caving to Republicans to mutually strip us of healthcare

EVERYBODY do this. Be mean.

We just averted a major crisis: The Democrats mistakenly almost allowed me to be happy for 3 straight days.

look I know being an engaged citizen IS the work of democracy but it is also the work of elected officials not to create situations where everyone has to be mobilized all the time to prevent them from allowing some kind of Dickensian horror on a Sunday night while you're in between loads of laundry

Soon in my inbox: Hello, it's the Democrats! We have decided to capitulate and cooperate with the fascists. Please donate between 5 and 50 dollars so that we can hire a marketing firm to help Republican politicians like us better. If you don't give, we won't be able to let them strip your rights!