Every now and again I like to remind myself that this exists, so now YOU get to be reminded as well.

common mistake! it's actually spelled Epenstain Files

I was back at 26 Federal Plaza today, where an ICE agent violently threw this bereft woman to the ground in front of her kids. She had not touched him. She did not pose any threat. She had to be taken to the hospital. (🎥: Elias Eliahu)

White women: yes I love spicy food People: like what? White women: pumpkin

I like to start my day by screaming while hitting my head on my steering wheel before walking into my office with a smile.

I'm no anglophile but I will say the United States mostly developed AFTER the era of both bladed melee and pike-and-shot warfare so there really isn't any kind of cultural traction to establish "poleaxed" as a term for being extra-drunk and I think we are missing out on a really good word.

white people

At this point I'm just gonna start celebrating shit like gassing up my car successfully.

if i don’t get to 18k followers today, WHICH IS MY GODDAMN BIRTHDAY, i stg , imma … probably do nothing k byeee 😘

I add a teaspoon of visible plastic to all of my hot drinks, so I won't be fooled by appearances.

I feel bad for rich people. They are required to surgically alter themselves into smooth reptiles when they age

i have seen exactly zero evidence to suggest that peter thiel is anything other than a dumbass who got lucky once

Always wear a catcher’s mitt, just in case someone hurls a burrito at you. You can then be the victor rather than the victim.

had a nightmare i was in a grocery store and got killed by Freddy Kroger

If this were true she would be saying this as tears of blood streamed down her dumb nazi face.

Personally, I have always disliked stuff that sucks. And yet, they keep making it

billionaires should be forced to fight to the death in the Sphere. winner is eaten by an orca

ME: why does the “p” in “up” point down and the “d” in “down” point up lol ANGEL (to Devil): he’s onto us

I don't have a lot of specialty skills but if you've got a job for someone who pretty consistently goes to spray something with a spray-can/bottle and presses the button and instead sprays himself, I'm your guy.

Remember, if you're expecting to get raptured but don't get raptured, it's because you're dumb loathsome twat.

Gonna just say, if it's this easy to protest against the monolith that is Disney. Then there is no excuse for people to be clinging to Harry Potter. Like, if the needle can be moved against Disney, people can make it move against JK Rowling. Stop the flow of money into her accounts,

he asked for the girlfriend experience so I started a fight with his mom

Just because my search history solely comprises variants on the phrase “molecular composition of anthropoid blood” doesn’t HAVE to mean I’m trying to harvest human life-force.

Im sorry i can't tell you more about myself. I've had my appendix removed

if you have a Christian family you’ve been wanting to wordlessly abandon tomorrow would be a great day to do it

*mournfully shooting off a tshirt cannon into the sadly cheering funeral crowd*

Maybe I vowed to destroy you ironically. You'll never really know, will you? UNTIL I HAVE DESTROYED YOU.

support artists and writers and sex workers who make your favourite fucking stuff it’s not that hard

CUZ IT IS FUCKING WITCHCRAFT

maybe he’s cake remember when everything was cake? has anyone checked maybe the whole regime is cake

If you're tired of being called a bully, simply don't hurl an unarmed woman half your size unto the concrete sidewalk because she had too many questions about your Secret Jail For Brown People.

They've found a ton of shit in the bible mistranslated over the years but the funniest thing would be if the Rapture was actually "Raptors" and many many raptors came down and ate a bunch of self-righteous churchy fucks.

We make a lot of jokes about Ezra Klein on the bluesky website but Ezra Klein referenced actual friends in his recent cringe-dissembling-Vichy-wish vid and one thing I would like to know is, if Ezra Klein DOES have friends, why they don't beat the living shit out of him?

Tom Homan took a bag of cash from an undercover FBI agent the right way. by Ezra Klein

Iron Man is the story of how it is totally cool to get rich selling weapons so long as you use your blood money to create a narrative that you can wear.

they’re calling it the biggest self-fucking in history, folks

Beer then liquor, disengage from me quicker Liquor then beer, I still don't want to talk to you so mind your fucking business

I am at that point of getting-old where I get mad when tv ads assume I know who a celebrity is and I don't and if I look it up I get more mad.

Dang, that's crazy. Anyway, we moved our annual refugee resettlement fundraiser to Bluesky this spring, after running it entirely on Twitter for over a decade, started with ZERO followers, took our "shrunken" audiences and beat last year's total by $200,000 in a time of massive economic upheaval

oh you just know eli tried to fuck that cotton gin

Definitely heard tight ends and blow out in the same sentence a second ago

Wales lost all those vowels when Viking raiders pillaged them and Nordic countries used the surplus to do a lot of double-vowels in their names.

Passing along from real-life experience that someone being "only an asshole when they're drunk" does not in any way make that person not an asshole.

actively doing shit to improve my mental health rn but then you guys are here... so you see my conundrum

If I win the powerball I'm gonna buy a supreme court judge

be the girlfriend they never forget

Dutch late night TV has its take

This is what it looks like when ICE violates our First Amendment rights.

Trump is going to sign an executive order to build a time machine so he can send MAGA back in time to help the Nazis fight Antifa on the beaches of Normandy.