I thought I recognized the fonts, but had to double check. Yep, it’s the New York Times

why the fuck am i not a wizard. this fucking sucks

they say to check with your doctor if your erection lasts more than 4 hours because they dont want you to get Super Boner and go mad with power

big ⊂_ヽ ＼＼ long ＼( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) > ⌒ヽ / へ＼ / / ＼＼𝔹𝕦𝕥𝕥𝕤 ﾚ ノ ヽ_つ / / / /| ( (ヽ | |、＼ | 丿 ＼ ⌒) | | ) / ノ ) Lﾉ (_／

not to be disrespectful but i just want to remind everyone that in the ketchup war, the ketchup won

if you’re allergic, every time someone tells you to touch grass, you can report them wishing harm on you. this is my understanding of the bluesky TOS

my 6yo, yelling: “SHOW ME MORE PICTURES OF CRABS!!!”

brb attempting to tear my own head from off my shoulders

@p2start.bsky.social CONRAD!!!!

anyone wanna come over and flay me alive? no weirdos

pulling my pants down on the Carnival cruise and yelling "MASTER AND COMMANDO"

In this Ohio diner, it was a tradition: waffles and eggs, big cup of Folgers, then fire up the old laptop to get email dating advice from a convicted sex trafficker. But now the woke mob is taking all of that away.

people have a hard time conceptualizing storage sizes, guide for less technical people: 1 kb = plain text files about your thoughts and feelings about how awesome ducks are 1 mb = store one smartphone photo of a duck 1 gb = around a thousandish photos of ducks 1 tb = about one week of my duck photos

you tellin me a horse drew this carriage???

my opinions are not my own for i am the vessel of a powerful ancient being. revel in Her Voice

my opinions are not my own and are reflective of your employer. you’re fired

this is really the only way to live. all apps have notifications off by default. a select few may be enabled as needed. social media and news apps *never* get notifications turned on. to do otherwise is self harm imo

as a husband, it is important to recognize and accept that 1) your wife has probably thought about murdering you and 2) she is justified in having done so

people are so incredibly dumb, I'm mad that I felt pressured to be smart my entire life

every time I see a picture of John Fetterman I get the urge to photoshop shrek ears on him

Umm technically he’s called Netanyahu’s Monster

It's a great cosmic joke that neurodivergence both runs in families and gets diagnosed based on parent reports. I was diagnosed at 30 because a man who has eaten potatoes every day for 57 years and a woman who collects loose buttons decided I was a perfectly normal child.

Everything is about sex, except sex, which is about power, and bdsm, which is about the primal human desire to do looney tunes shit

First, they came for the pedophiles, and I did n-- *touching earpiece* oh, they didn't?

oopsie

if you say mean things about creepy sex pests, Bill Clinton will not hear it, but your local Bluesky Head of Trust and Safety might 😢

i’m so tired but if i go to sleep it’s tomorrow

“Can you eat trees? Because I’m gonna. I’m gonna eat a tree.” - the all-time greatest voiceover line of The Long Dark, courtesy of Jennifer Hale

the owner of the jg wentworth account has been banned from bluesky

If the NYT told the story of the homeless teenager exploited by Matt Gaetz with even half as much empathy as it tells the story of Olivia Nuzzi, it would be in danger of committing journalism.

gm bsky (except devs, mods & pedo apologists); link sends his regards

oh. oh no.

is Oh Henry! the only confection named after what the creator’s wife says before she cums, or are there others?

personally I think Adolf Hitler should’ve been fed into a wood chipper feet first

Being Known Online makes it harder to evade bans so you can't be as funny/shitty as you could be with no followers, but no one would witness it. This is the posting law of equivalent exchange.

oopsie

firearms are just airhard guns

using my medically allotted gun to shoot stuff and watch it blow up so i'm not bored, my medical condition is that i get bored

according to bubbel.blue, @dly.bsky.social is co-owner of my account

My daughter is 15, a child with a baby face whom I won’t even put in an Uber by herself. Just utterly disgusting from the same people who have spent years demonizing trans people as predators for daring even to exist. What are we even doing right now?

I am physically unable to go through a yellow light without saying "ha ha haa" in a menacing voice

as someone who does not and has not ever wanted to sexually assault anyone, this current moment in politics is driving me fully insane

what the ever loving shit is this wording? tbh, more of your writers need to get dragged into a crashout, @nytimes.com because wtf. she was also homeless as a minor. dental/orthodontic shit isn’t a want so much as it’s a need (bad teeth can fuck up someone’s heart!). this was sex trafficking.

hey y’all. we found out today that Charlie’s car is gone, most likely stolen (we have filed a report for it, etc) i’m sharing this out to help Charlie catch a break if possible, we’re prepping to move right now so any help is appreciated 🫶 shares are appreciated too. 🖤

i am so annoying (proudly)

you do not, in fact, have to hand it to Bill Clinton

me: hmm yes, I might like to play a vibeo game. *sits down* my body: did you just say “video game”? yeah well guess what bozo, you have TO PISS