she’s not allowed on the counter

he's a 10 but he thinks flattery is what you serve food on

Releasing my pheromones like venom

If you have the nuance to make a perfect humblebrag, would you consider keeping it to yourself until my nuance can straight up admit it's at least a decent nuance

It's embarrassing when your waistband starts rolling down until your intestines are on the floor.

Discombobble department headed for trouble.

I love it when people cancel plans with me so I can both bemoan my abandonment and not have to go out at the same time.

reminding my mom that she said I could get a nose ring when I’m 50

sometimes i feel like cutting my own bangs but then i pull up a picture of courtney cox in scream 3 & that feeling goes away

do you think frankenstein’s monster ever took an arm off so he could sleep more comfortably on his side

the rug represents an orange creamsicle I thought was begging me not to eat it (you guys thought this was another bit?)

redecorating my bedroom as a visual homepage to a bad acid trip I took in 1991, for my children to maintain as a museum of oddities designed by their crazy mother, is all the generational wealth I have to leave them

Wow, that new perfume is potent, Babe. What is it? Oh, I'm not wearing any perfume. You're smelling the flame retardant I sprayed on before we go to that event at the church later. Want some?

so apparently the tree is not a good spot for the bird cam if you don't want to see squirrel ass all day

Guess I'm just built different (vestigial tail)

me, showing grandpa how to text: think you’ll be able to keep up ? grandpa, who never returned that dvd to blockbuster: what me: THINK YOU’LL BE ABLE TO KEEP UP ? grandpa: jesus christ, i heard you the first time. fine, i’ll return it me: what

That's right bitch I blocked you (my digestive tract)

🎶 It's fun to stay at the...

it’s probably super cool and good that my iv bruise looks like a mushroom cloud right?

That Italian woman just won a speed skating gold on her 35th birthday. I pulled a hammy reaching for the Tums this morning

Take away her medal.

If you holler "Play Freebird!" enough times, eventually people stop inviting you to their kid's piano recitals.

“measure twice cut once” i whisper to myself during this circumcision

I am sore from farting all night

I miss getting stoned and going nonverbal, now I can’t stfu

5 months postpartum and my back has collapsed under the sheer existential weight of carrying my baby everywhere

Tearing long strips of wallpaper off the wall at work & weaving them into my hair as one would a crown of wildflowers.

lucky Day is a bit much, I’ll take a lucky 45 minutes

Sure I <3 rainbows butterflies & glitter but I know I’d make a great executioner for ppl who fuck w children animals or senior citizens. I’d have a basketball hoop at my lil work station & free throw heads like ball so hard

If i was a phone setting I'm pretty sure i'd be confusing and infuriating too

"Calm down, sweetie. You're two tents."

hi is this where I apply for the shitposter position

we got your genetic tests back and it’s definitely maybelline

it's been a while so here's a pack of some of my favorite people go.bsky.app/3cVJfpD

today is my bsky anniversary pls tell me how good my account looks for its age

The clipboard is part of the ritual. Without it nothing will get checked off ritual paper with ritual pen during a step by step ritual consultation plus I never know what to do with my clipboardism practicing hand

I don't usually like to post more than 2-3 times a day, but I thought you all should know that a bird just shat all over my glasses while I was waiting for the bus.

Mixed up fruit basket case overload.

I hate that bipartisanship doesn't mean a boat made of severed limbs.

Someday a future people will find these posts in a peat bog and not understand what they are for.

Been watchin my Dads 14 y.o Rottweiler & I’ve decided I’m not giving her back. Like I’m really not though. She loves me more. Shes mine now & that’s final.

All I have is my lucky pocket trowel to keep digging this hole I made for myself. I fit nice and snug. Some roots and worms have made their way in as well. It's a nice, thriving wallpaper

Shoving Tums into an earhole because my brain has indigestion

Missed carousel boarding: you were the dolphin with a saddle, I didn't even know they made those. And I just choked from opposable thumb awe in my blowhole

My friend wasn’t pleased when I said, “Oh, you call it a ‘man cave’ because it takes too long to say ‘trial separation room with spiders and beach chairs.’”

JFC = JOHN FUCKIN CANDY

Let's not speak aloud at the bluesky meet up. Just wear name tags and post as usual.

Have to do this again because EVERYONE AVERT YOUR EYES THE OFFENDING OFFENSIVE DRAWING HAD A NIPPLE IN IT

i will do ridiculous things for money for example today i will use some of my life force to answer emails