[doing an icebreaker] an interesting thing about me is that i am .4 seconds away from sprinting out of this room

I'm six beers old, and I feel great.

They should spell read like reed and read like redd. Nah wait - other way round maybe

me: *waxes poetic* poetic: just leave a landing strip

I found out recently my husband has been emailing me at the wrong address for over 4 years

Your pin number should be three months salary but no one gets moneyed anymore

No one is listening to you except your phone

Hyping Christmas in early November? OK fine—I’ll allow it

my nurse today is sleepy/psycho killer, qu'est-ce que c'est?

put on the big suit and Stop Making Sense me

In another news, I'm elevated, and about to have a movie date (Stop Making Sense, which is the GOAT, with the lovely @damnitjanet.bsky.social who is not a goat but maybe some sort of forest creature) either way I'm the luckiest unless you count much of anything else 😉

I didn't ruin the workplace but you might want to avoid that one chair.

me: *hits the ground* the ground: *running*

me: *hits the sack* the sack: ow

Grief eventually leads to joy, which you'll know when you've cried so hard your nose makes a noise just like a clown's nose being honked

Win every food fight by throwing dense frozen items.

I’m not a huge fan of pokémon or anything but yeah I would eat a pikachu

i love making chicken/veggie stock bc it's like making a preliminary soup that you use for real soup later out of the stuff that didn't make the cut for the starting lineup soup.

If it was over then, it's not all over now. In confetti terms it's celebrate continuously. Be regretted, be all over the place, be too impossible to be all gotten. Floors though. Like I'm not living cluttered to the fullest

"I know you're awfully busy, but will you get me some parsley, sage, and rosemary?" "Yeah. When I get thyme."

As we move away from Halloween and towards winter, I can already tell this is going to be the best Seasonal Depression ever !!!

I walked 4 miles today and I take it back... I would not walk 500 miles

MY SISTER (looking at the full moon): wowww it’s so big! it’s like pulsating, do you see that? ME: I think that’s your astigmatism

I kiss my biceps after each skeet

Look, I compost and recycle and try to avoid eating piping plovers but I draw the line when it comes to the aerosolized assurance that only my Aqua Net hairspray can provide

Entropy and decay stalk us. Relentless, inevitable. All that we love will become as dust in the wind. Scooting over to Wendy’s to get a Triple Baconator meal and a diet Coke

STONE ROSES: ♫ i want to be adored♪ ME: wtf is a dord

I brought sexy back and I want a full refund.

We don't make tongue twisters like we used to

My cat is hunting a spider by my work desk and I need to find out how to communicate that I'm not hostile to the spider, but respectfully staying neutral in this conflict

Don’t be silly, of course I remember you. I just don’t know which of the random names floating inside my brain is yours.

When I was a kid there were no private phone calls, there was an eight foot leash in the middle of the kitchen where everyone got to viciously judge you.

on facebook everyone is fighting a battle they won’t fucking shut up about

Going into the office while everyone has a cold to hear the cacoughony

ICE vs sandwich guy is so funny I hate it. I cant even write a joke about it. Oh ICE agent hit by sandwich and left for bread? Dont be ridiculous this is stupid

Am I too old to aspire to 'aloof wife'

Now, a message from Julie Lavender Menace: Milk And Cookies Pilates 7p to floor. Rev. Dr. Ravenscrof will take candy from a baby and give it to a hooker. God bless.

I adore the boldness of kids. They’ll just hold out their foot in front of you & stare like, “tie my shoe, peasant” & you’re like OK but one of these days we gotta talk bunny ear method

I’ll listen to a song 8,888 times straight cause I gotta make sure my air instruments are fuckin tight. I’m not tryna look embarrassing……..

The spigot broke & water was flooding everywhere. I called out for my aunt to gimme a hand & she answered back disturbed, “ya ya just lemme take this shot.” She was playing online pool. This is who I’m stuck w for the apocalypse. It’s not lookin good

I don't want to "drill down," or "circle back" I want to go to sleep on the floor

in seasons of upheaval and pain, recapture the things that give you joy like the cool feeling of hemorrhoid cream on your butthole

an app for cats to take selfies

Chapped lip season is fun cause you get to chew off pieces of your mouth like a little snack

You're officially old when she sends you a nude selfie and all you're interested in is what kind of pizza in the box behind her.

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

Sometimes I make the sound effect to go along with the joy leaving my body. *blerrrrp*