Merry Christmas Eve, Bluesky! I reactivated just to post this 🤣🤣🤣

When the wise men saw the angel of the lord, they were sore afraid. Classic case of fear-induced butt pain.

A balloon thinks it's saving your breaths for later, an emergency, a backup sigh. I needed that sigh too once after a needle asked in front of a balloon about oxygen and carbon dioxide, I just choked

I experience an acute sort of combination anaphylaxis and gastritis whenever I accidentally stumble upon a photograph of Russell Brand.

this isn't really related but it reminded me of this which still makes me laugh like a decade on

Every day I just barely resist the urge to pick up my cat and pretend to play her like a set of bagpipes. She will never understand these sacrifices I make for her.

Mercies, ranked 4. mild 3. avocado verde 2. diablo 1. fire

there’s a lot of shady people under this umbrella remind me to post this in August

there’s a labeler for “toxic posting” but where is the one for “perfect sweetie”

it gets notably quieter on here around the holidays which is a shame bc I would love to see how people post from their parents' house as their regressed 17-year-old self

Just found a note that says "horny eyes to the tune of hungry eyes"

Yes, I am at work but I get to dip in the middle of the day to go deliver wish list gifts to kids who aren't expecting them so that's amazing and magical

there are two dogs, three adults, and five children in the house i live in now and somehow it is not a shoe

So apparently you are only allowed to talk about your "favorite" boob if belongs to you

Wishing won't make it so. You must make a plan to win the Powerball.

Just closed out a meeting by reminding people that I am off on friday and if they need anything to "pretend that I am deceased"

Jamiroquai when Jamiro vewwy sad

I know it's time to wash the bedding when the sheets say, "HEY WATCH IT BUDDY," as I lie down.

[blind date] Her, texting: I’m at the bar. Where r u? Him: I’m at a table, in a suit. Her: Nice. Wait, I can’t see you Him: *𝘪𝘯 𝘨𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺*

It's not how your miss your transportation it's how you scream after it. "But I am the driver or engineer!" is what counts while I watch from my troubled sidecar

The formal ones are long johnathans

Not too long ago I was wearing a Springsteen shirt & a rando in Wawa said “he lost a huge fan getting political” & I said “well good thing he doesn’t give a fuck.” The guy looked mortified but I really didn’t mean to be mean. I was telling him the truth.

I’m sorry but I feel like your soul prob smells like a blockbuster & I just crave that in my life again

Not to get political, but I will keep a full bush until there is a regime change

you kept a shrimp as a pet then act surprised that he’s a little scamp?

Gifts for those of the Utilitarian faith

Gonna wear my wedding dress to family dinner on Christmas Day.

There should just be one massive car, so big it wraps around the globe dozens of times & is completely immovable, fused in place—a car that is everywhere at the same time but incapable of going anywhere.

Oh sure it's funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone's head but when I do it it’s a “crime”

Deck the halls with mentholyptus.

had to go to church as a kid so I said Cod instead of god. Everyone was straight up duped by my little ruse

the human figure should be easier to draw. people should be like squares or circles or whatever, in my opinion

my stuff isn't built for reposting it's personal, my friends

on average 8 spiders choose spelunking every year

There’s something to be said for having nothing to say.

Throwing myself through the Xmas tree machine to feel something.

So, I was on the operating table getting open heart surgery. I questioned how the surgeon positioned the sternal retractor. Then he got all butt hurt and said that if I don't like how he's doing things, I could just do it myself.

No no I don’t want a pop of color. I want an explosion of it

All I want 4 Christmas is divine retribution

I actually haven’t heard of elf on a shelf you presumptuous bitch

A percentage of you is left but you never know how much so you charge here and there with activities or rest, or else some actual indescribable plug. I bet if you did try to describe it I'd get at least 8%

When the Grinch's heart grew three sizes that's when he knew he had cardiomegaly

assorted animal faces on a glowing incorporeal form appeareing in a boom of ethereal wings hovering above undulating burning wheels, coated with eyes: BE NOT AFRAID present day human, half asleep on the couch: *tilts beer, up-nods weakly* radiant figure: you can be a little afraid

"You wee cunt, you turned into indian flatbread" "Nah, I was just being naan-chalant."

If you live in a home with 5 bedrooms and 5.5 bathrooms and you are not either a meth chef or a poop scientist, I am not sure I have anything to say to you.

long distance relationships are easier if they don't actually know you're dating them

im so bad at gift wrapping

every year I hope a small woodland creature pops out of our christmas tree and becomes my best friend that teaches me about myself and the world.