I don’t use predictive text, but this was pretty good.

I just read an article that says that Ravens may be almost as smart as humans. I think they're even smarter. I've never seen a Raven get locked into a vacation timeshare contract.

What part of "war UH good god what is it good for? Absolutely nothing" did you not understand?

If anyone wants to get me an Easter basket my favorite candy is hundred dollar bills

They make left handed scissors and paper, but rocks have always been for everyone

baby corn is the cutest of all stir fry elements

I encourage you to reach late middle age by any means necessary if for no other reason than to find out just how primo the naps are. No matter how much you like naps now you will not believe it

sometimes i lose my shit and then realise i've posted it

A telegram has arrived from the alternate universe railway saying I will someday be celebrating first place on a caboose, fast is last I always say, retiring from my entry level tortoise enthusiast position

I have to admit that some of my rubber jeep duckies are chickens.

"Why am I getting blocked? But also: why am I not getting more blocked?"

Moldy house lady writes bigoted books for little shit babies.

If you can't separate the art from the artist, then somebody's going to have to explain to me what I've just done with this broadsword.

My dog loves not movin when I’m doin my sheets so we have a thing where I put em on & trap him 4 a few seconds then let him out like haha gotcha & he comes out, does zoomies all over the place & brings me a ball like “0mG! u crazy fuckin bitchhhh! I love uuuuuuuu!”

I just twirl my spaghetti w both a fork & spoon when I wanna feel like an aristocrat. That’s plenty for me.

I miss when calling someone a poser was the worst possible slander. Now everyone just shoots destroys or blows each other up like uhm wtf…

my demons make their presence known when i burp in the middle of a word

dolly should have just set jolene on fire

Circle back with me after The Pollening™️

It's been a long time since things have been hunky and/ or dory

Not ME, Pal. I'm a bitch-ass tree.

the way you vibrate with warmth when your eyes move over the words, that’s the stardust glowing inside your chest, lighting you up like a paper lantern

One day you’re a young man and the next thing you know you’re strategizing your facial hair to cover your deepest wrinkles.

only responding in song to "how are you" from here on out

JUST MAKE BOOZE OUT OF THE LIQUID IV

Come on bro, let me cry for you. I'll do it good, I swear.

Pumped up the jam so high it cut off circulation to my toes.

Filling all the lonely space with sand but then the sand tells me that it has its own lonely spaces and nobody will call water because the death of phone calls is why we're both so the unsaturated emoji

Ear to the ground taking a deep breath on a stethoscope planet, doc made a playlist for these echoes but it's just whale songs about astronaut patient confidentiality

When someone asks my sign I say I was born on the Feast of the Lizard King & if they don’t know what I mean I’m forbidden from explaining

My Dad has 0 clue what AI is & I’m wayyyyyyyyyyyyy 2 scared 2 tell him

The problem with pronouns is that the bible didn't do a chapter on them after proverbs.

you can fill your bra with tater tots no one will stop you

Wellsir, my lip brow is south of my jazz dab and that means herring are queuing up in the mouths of local rivers

Nothing stopping us from changing “et al” to “and the fellas”

[me, looking at any recipe] preheat oven to 350° . got it . line a baking dish … uh,, ok … with parchment paper . nope . im out .

Thankful that cars were invented as keying a horse seems inhumane

Look directly into the eyes of your enemy & tell them you hope they are eating enough fiber.

COWORKER: you busy? ME: [looking at google images of lasagna] yes

Here's something that's bothered me for years: why are scrambled eggs so much easier to eat? I feel like I could eat 8 scrambled eggs without even thinking. Eight fried eggs feels like a lot. Eight boiled eggs? Absurd

Cat: Fitzy, what’s your job like? Me: I’m mainly just a paper pusher. Cat: You should try pushing other things. Trust me, it’s quite stimulating.

I can't write "cut" without first typing out "cunt." But budget cunts and government cunts seem just as fair for these official university communications.

Them: Knock knock. Me: Do you know what time it is? Them: That's not how it goes. You're supposed to ask, "Who's there?" Me: I don't give a fuck who's there. Them: Knock knock. Me: Do you know what time it is? Them: *sigh* No. Me: Bedtime. Fuck off.

Nurturing my cognitive decline on the internet

the litter is coming from inside the cat box

Live streaming my gym workouts to encourage people to stay at home with their feet up.

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