The clothes i wear to work are kinda smart but they always end up looking kinda shitty. My look is shart

Didn’t get raptured today but I saw a milkweed seed floating on the breeze

i cannot imagine any more worlds what is a house a loaf of bread a child holding a balloon when the world is crumbling grey rubble and ash and bone when a handful of powerful men can wipe millions off the planet and still enjoy their breakfasts still sleep soundly in their beds free palestine

I picked up my first bifocals yesterday, and I have been the 69th like on two skeets today, so I guess you could say I have reached my sexual prime

this would be a bitchin leather jacket if cows were made of denim

My many enemies will be furious to know that I found a luxurious new hat at the bus station

neighbor: “thought you were going on vacation?” me: *holds up half a bag of shrooms* “I did”

Ever try to give gentle sweet pets to a cat and they simply turn around and walk away bc what they were looking for was vigorous butt scratches? That's what it's like to make friends in your 40s

Terrible day to be an air traffic controller.

*talking to crossing guard* Guy: That's a pretty dog you got there! Ours is having her 1st day as a therapy dog at my wife's school. Me: That's great! Pretty sure mine needs therapy.

[first day of work] me: so, when do i get to kick one? boss: we don't actually- me: how about that one? that one looks like kind of an asshole

‘excuse me while i slip into something a little more inevitable,’ i murmur seductively as i don my diaphanous burial shroud

(Literal) TIMELINE CLEANSE: A chameleon washing his hands www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yx_...

You should send all your money to a left behinder in case you get raptured, btw my Cashapp is $meantomyself and I am offering a "it didn't happen" guarantee, meaning if you are still here Thursday and use the code LOLNOPE I will send you two watermarked pictures of my feet

some scientists taught gorillas sign language and one would sign about his dreams, he called them, “sleep pictures.” and the president of the usa cannot pronounce acetaminophen.

When people don't answer my texts this week, imma double text and say, "I see you got raptured congrats" until the joke gets real old

One of my favorite fun facts is why the TMNT are named after artists (it’s because the type of turtle they are is a “painted turtle”). I told my nephew about this and he immediately replied that there should be a Bob Ross turtle. So rather than explain the renaissance movement to him, I-

Somebody asked me if I ever hold the door open for danger so I let the back window slam down on of course I do I just don't feel like it right now's fingers

The mechanic came into the waiting room and said, "I'm sorry, but your Smart Fortwo didn't make it.". After so much crying, the mechanic came back in and said there was some mixup. They found my Smart Fortwo hiding behind an expired Chevy Volt.

My thoughts are in Spanish, but I don't speak Spanish. I never know what I'm thinking.

ATTENTION PARENTS: is your child texting about the Rapture? KNOW THE SIGNS: LOL: left on land WTF: where’s the family ROFL: rapture only for losers OMG: oh ma geddon

What if everyone masturbating disappeared at once? Call that a fapture

l a e r s t' i t i h s oh

I have a bunch of new boxes for all of my thoughts and constructs. The cerebral label maker has yet to arrive so I'll be stuck with collages of a lifetime for now. Maybe I could even pick theme songs too

Once he has cooled down enough, a man, coated in a thick beer batter and deep fried, can be quite pleasant to hug.

My cat has learned how to say Mama but does it with a low, long, very deep vibrato that takes her about 15 solid seconds to get out...and it is unsettling as all fuck.

i’m starting to suspect all that glitter isn’t actually gold

In other accurate medical news today, RFK Jr announced that there’s a link between autism and his media appearances.

trump: you’re treating me very unkind. so nasty. it should be illegal the way you talk to me. i’m not surprised your ratings have tanked. look at this place, what a dump st peter: it’s still no

getting raptured while napping under a tree and hitting my head on every limb on the way up

the existence of a rapture implies the existence of a rapnowayjose

Ah, fall, when a young man’s fancy turns to soup.

Beeswax? More like BOOswax kitchentableworks.etsy.com

Deeny is incredibly talented and you should buy some art from them 🤩

I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

that face when you’re the only kibble that didn’t get eaten :/

the person who steals the most cars tomorrow wins the rapture

You're wearing THAT to the rapture

sometimes i mix up know & now like im doing right know i now i now

Before Jesus shows up, do any Christians leaving tomorrow have a crush on me, y/n

Ever looked at dragonfly wings under a microscope, there's a little bumper sticker that says honk if you're wetlands

just in case i get raptured tomorrow, can someone who does not get raptured please take my garbage out on thursday?

“Shhh… You’ve gotta hear this guitar part.”

I bit my dentist today. Wasn't even getting a checkup at the time, I just saw him at the supermarket

You’re at work. I’m farting in bed with my newborn. We are not the same

some experts say that reform uk’s plan to provide everyone in britain with one of those hoverboards from out of off of back to the future 2 “within weeks” of winning an election is “unworkabl, but it’s the sort of eye-catching policy that makes voters sit up and pay attention.

well well well if it isn't all of the tasks I abandoned on friday

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

How will I know the difference between people getting raptured or getting picked up by aliens on Tuesday? Just curious