Zoom meeting won't start? LIFE HACK: Stand in front of your camera & tug your pants from your butt

I bet my gut flora would be really pretty, nicely arranged in an antique vase

i think my favorite nickname that was given to me is Mr Action Time Guy Who's Good at Cooking and Driving Race Cars and also Jokes and Making Friends With Crows

smut is getting too niche imo

"SELF-CARE TIME," I shriek, as I treat myself to an evening face mask (death shroud).

“pick a card any card” i say, fanning out some ham slices

too many stupid people have money; that's why I'm launching protein cigarettes

Greg is short for Gary Egg, not a lot of people know that

Telling the barista "boof" for my coffee size bc maybe one day I'll luck out.

I’m extremely superstitious. I can only get baked goods, cold cuts, & meats from a place that’s gotta Casio PCR on the counter. I don’t feel good about anything over a model 262. It should be yellow & grey from age & the numbers should be worn out or we’re all gonna die

cats will dominate the world someday because they’ve mastered the art of indifferent snuggles

sorry i can’t talk rn there was a lotion booger on my body cream bottle and i’m having complicated emotions about it

at the orgy pointing at everyone and asking: groupon?

My middle name, I Don't Want To See Your Genitals On The Internet, does not fit on most forms of government issued ID.

One of those stones that slowly glides on across desert is at the door and probably I should learn whatever it's selling but it's too late, I hesitated and now it'll be going to the next house for years

Hello doctor, I think I have hauntavirus and my blood is full of hemogoblins

Ending the generational trauma by staying fully clothed and conscious with my perfect angel baby this Mother’s Day

thanks to my mom for birthing me so I could have crippling depression and be an idiot on the internet

Couple of months after every winter olympics I wonder if I dreamed the luge

Happy Mother's Day to my one true mom, Jesus Christ.

HEEEEEERE'S KITTY!

happy mother’s day to me, who gave life to 20,000 posts

reporting about ballmaxxing on Mother's Day weekend is just another example of the patriarchy's relentless grip on society

There's a restaurant here called dicks fish and chips but I'm not sure if I want all three

Don't forget to wish the seahorse dads a happy Mother's Day.

hey don’t come to my apartment and knock on my door like a fckn cop

This asthma's got me breathing heavier than your mom at an all-you-can-eat buffet

Well, you see, I realized the ducks in this pond could be quacking to my enemies in Morse code, so I'm squatting here in the water quacking randomly to confuse their message.

“excuse me, my eggs are overdone” i say to the waitress as i poke at the babies on my plate

Dress for the job you want so I only wear costumes appropriate for Taskmaster or jumping into a volcano with T. Hanks

I try not to kink shame, but tbh I can’t watch most people roll up a garden hose

Oh no my voicemail is full of voices

I thought I had a real chance at The Intergalactic Folk Around And Find Out Festival, but I Mumforded too close to the suns.

If you go somewhere and it reminds you of your mom, that’s a Freudian Trip.

patient zero

I’m beginning to suspect that those other guys aren’t really Mumford’s sons.

i put my underpants on just like anybody else, dipped in gherkin juice

Absent-mindedly constructing a city with grids where no one gets lost, buildings of leapingly increasing height for ascending dance numbers, healthcare. But actually I froze to death in a Mt Everest bungalow

I've been recording bird sounds and playing them back to the birds that made them. They seem impressed. Am I a bird DJ?

I'm afraid it's not good news, sir. It's your glands, they're full of Irish stew.

two years ago i filed for full custody and it was the best decision i ever made. i ate the whole fucking kid, didnt need to pay for beef for a month.

all I’m saying is that if by chance I woke up with chocolate in my mouth, I wouldn’t necessarily be sad about it.

ive started to put some real work into my mental health problems they are going to be glorious by the time im done

Got tazed at the aquarium again for telling a group of kids that the octopus tank was called the 'inkclosure'.

imagine all the dragons

you have a party to go to . when should you arrive ? (a) early (%) late (7) exactly on time (?) are you insane have you met me do you not know me have you ever seen me at a party am i a social creature can i interact normally with ppl . sorry i meant to say “never”

the best thing about living in a bog is the 24hr news channel only talks about cranberries

Jurassic Park remake but it's recreating original Pepsi from ancient Pepsi samples trapped in amber bottles