I’d let you take a Bomb Pop from my freezer

The thing about a big rack is that you’ll never have the chance to pull off a pussy bow

God puts things in my face sometimes like I was cleaning & had 1 or 2 klutzy moments where things I love broke & I said, “God, WTF is this? Everything’s just broken?!” Then I was like oh hey shit i totally 4got my glue guns plugged in. Did you just remind me? Wow thanks God

the heart is a lumpy lopsided fist of a muscle yet I have resisted the urge to hit you with it you're welcome

Hey our septic is getting pumped today if you have any incriminating documents or bad poetry you want to flush

I like rubbing my eyes during allergy season almost as much as I used to like doing drugs

Because sometimes you just wanna

You know it's going to be an abandoned warehouse kinda day when you wake up and stub your anonymous tips on a huge fan that barely moves as if omg look out

If I was suspicious of something trapped in ancient ice I would have to find out too because you don't want summer regrets. What if it's an alien flamethrower virus of Louie Bloo Raspberry DNA

Micro dosing heres and theres.

Barefoot in the squalor.

a bowl of corn pops cereal is just cold corn chowder

The hullabaloo of the passersby.

That last long stretch of sky.

The wind without a word.

"PUT IT DOWN." (me, to absolutely everyone, at the ska show)

You gotta have hope. Or a really good cheesecake.

I’ve decided I’m not sleeping anymore, fuck it. I’ve made too many good friends with these hallucinations.

hey girl, you wanna come back to my place and play legos? I got some sick kits or we could just break out my miscellaneous storage bins and get real free with it

Missed connection: I suggested splitting the cost of an RV and traveling the east coast together. Then, if we could still stand one another, decide if we took the most direct route home or the longest. You thought maybe you were only joking about me being the love of your life.

Rationing my rationales.

my summer anthem is the taskmaster theme

Today in World Coop, the 2022 Coop winners from Waunakee are looking pretty bad. The team owner's wife was caught sleeping with the mayor. The owner deliberately sent in his sleepy chicken to sully Waunakee's reputation.

I swear I hit the big blue button yesterday but it seems I did not. My words are lost forever in the fleeting realm of cerulean butterflies. I need to collect more and more of them for my potion of enchanting enhancement

does laughing make it worse, because if so you're safe with me

it's important that your cat only use their litter box for it's intended purpose

it's gonna be the dog days of summer soon we'll be in for some ruff weather

there are actually a lot of songs with loser in the title

Opportunity rifling through your pockets.

I live near the sea so maybe my house and land will detach from America and float out into international waters soon as a little treat

Going to a wedding on Friday and bringing a spiral ham as my plus one. I hope she catches the bouquet.

*eyes wide* what a beautiful deathtrap

Dad come and get me, they’re arguing about food again.

circadian bacon

one of the most important things I've taught my daughter is precisely where on the jawline to punch in order to deliver a knockout or dislocation

making out with strangers shouldn’t even be considered cheating when the line is really long at cvs

I’m just a semi sentient series of stress positions.

Little Miss Sunshine of My Life.

Hey good looking, what you got cooking? Oh shit, yeah, that's meth.

my favorite facial expression is ‘unprecedented disaster’

I’d rather listen to the key cutting machine at Lowe’s than fingernails tapping against anything in a video.

The remains of living words wrecked upon the page.

I’m, like, 80% stupider now than I was 5 days ago, and I was pretty goddam stupid then.

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

HR meeting: I suppose I just don't consider myself an effective communicator unless you rush to the nearest bathroom and crumble to the ground behind a locked door to process what I felt important enough to communicate to you

I'm alive, bitches

It’s the sort of soirée that you swore over.

The signs won’t read themselves.

The plural of cole slaw is cole slew

You can be absurd and still normal. I decree it