A “lady” used to pay my Dad to drive her to her “dates” in the 70s & he said she teased her hair so big he’d roll down the window so she could hang her head out & it never got ruined cause of all the Aquanet. Now this either sounds questionable impressive or both

Plz start by saying “legend has it” cause I’m about to take everything you say extremely seriously

My children, you don’t hate broccoli. You just haven’t had mine

23 days until Christmas🎄

Just realized that I’m too damn high to be watching “It’s Florida, Man”.

Good morning!

And then I was like, whatever motherfuckers. And then the motherfuckers whatevered

When they cast for a book in a film they'll go with a book that's already been made into a film because of the experience. So don't take it too hard, perfect refrigerator art of the author's intentions

The day leaning in through the window.

You can slurp my soup if you wanna

I want what every woman wants: To be rescued by a knight upon a steed, whisked away to the Menards lighting department where I am told I can have whatever chandelier my heart desires.

You can call me your little shortbread christmas cookie if you wanna

what a banger. It’s wild how many times hearing a song it is familiar & one may not know who the artist is and it’s David Bowie. This isn’t one of those songs for me, I always knew it was his work but, nonetheless youtu.be/HivQqTtiHVw?...

entering the spoon times

🎶 I’m a survivor, I ain’t gon’ give up 🎶

We are dropping like flies over here at the bug spray factory I don't know why

These bones a tuning fork resonating at the frequency of flesh.

Invited to game night on a Wednesday night. Sorry, no parties on school nights, kids.

Murdered like the sun.

All these sentiments bleeding out into the merciless sky.

True freedom is squirting your own mustard on your hotdog

Timers go off again and again trying to save off the deep sleep of magnesium and vitamin d, but yet again blue light prevails in the grand scheme of the circadian rhythm

Walking on a strictly leg by leg basis.

rendered a thousand ways unchanged

a newspaper that just speculates on new kissing trends

The neck crack of hope.

Who knows what ghost is supposed next?

With the tensile strength of rhyme.

FYI, this is my profile pic year round.

Cozy and exposed, the bold comfort. Not even adventure is ready to deal with that. Tried leaving the top few buttons undone on my spacesuit, tradition floated out and away, modestial voices guided it back

they said I’m gonna fry my brain as if that’s a bad thing

Don’t forget to roll up your windows it’s gonna be stupid out today

I just got angry at dental floss. Things are going great

We should talk. Let me fire up the chipper

shoutout to the guy buying several cases of beer and a thing of adult male diapers on an early tuesday morning looks like you’ve got your day all sorted

Normalize leaving a man in the craft store.

i’ll be here if you need me

Getting smooshed and molded into a new broken record later. Getting smooshed and molded into a new broken record later. Getting...*record scratch*

i highly recommend pie for breakfast lunch & dinner

I’ve had a sensitive stomach since I was a kid so I used to ask my Ma to hold my hand sometimes when I pooped, but ppl get all weird about it when you’re a grown up…

Going forward I am identifying as pampas grass rockin in the breeze

“Five minutes, Mom. We’re playing pirates.”

Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.

A lapse of existence.

December right where you left it.

As a man, I’m glad that the majority of gift suggestions cater to my alcoholism and love of smoking meats

Why are ghosts always slamming doors? Take your anger issues back to hell, homie

Can't wait until Christmas is over so I can stop shopping all night. I'm so tired.

The water in my building may be off until one but my cesspool party will go forward.

I've never really been the personality type but sometimes it's nice to take a break from doing and saying anything there is