When I’m not here, I make my rounds entering Billiards, puttin Living On a Thin Line by The Kinks on the jukebox, & walkin back out into the fog

With arms like bookends you can check out a whole shelf from the library in one shot but what the hell do I know, only all of the shit in 613.713 weight training and strength development

Just divide by zero who gives a shit anymore

This day in history. 1781. The Battle of Cowpens during the American Revolutionary War. At first I read it as "Cowpenis" but that doesn't make sense and you know what else doesn't make sense the American Revolutionary War it was totally cowpenis.

"I thought I was alone!" And that's your excuse, for taking up all watchful space in the universe just to stop your science nemesis from seeing you put on a show for finally isolating the voyeur atom

You can double stuff my oreo if you wanna

Love you, pass it on.

More like mental hellth amirite lol

I think the laundry likes to stay in the dryer.

Everybody shows up when there’s only 40 pieces left in the puzzle. Where were you when I was doing the sky?

Ok, this is how it’s gonna go down

Trying not to tell my story to anyone who would listen, but that's just what the hero in it says. So modest, so heroic. I'm on a streetcorner ranting about the end of the pretty decent latest draft of a script

Save it for the laity.

I still can't replicate what I see in the videos. They move so thoughtfully and soundly but my movements are spunky and erratic. I need to rerun the simulation again

The idealized version of me recognizes the idealized version of you. namaste

My dream job is to hold up poorly lit gas stations with a fossilized megalodon tooth

When we're dead it's because all our electrical impulses are ghosting each other but seriously always respond to your eerie sounds and presences

Chewing the glass from the bulb of my SAD lamp.

Having coffee & grapes as a snack like it’s 1971.

Always thankful to learn the name of a non cancerous growth that can be frozen off.

This Agatha Christie could have been 75 e-mails.

Easing into the decomposition.

Despite their intimidating appearance, Canadian dogs are actually quite affectionate.

sometimes you walk into your daughter's room and she's watching a Deee-Lite video and you know you raised her right

if you can’t handle me at my theoretical you don’t deserve me at my rhetorical

I just saw a guy put the two frosted sides of his heated pop-tarts together and then he ate it like a sandwich. I think he said he was from the future.

no not that one, I'm the one helding the time back from the sun as I scope the lobe

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

I guess I’ve been wondering when is my Helen Mirren bikini moment?

everyone is fighting a battle i can see i am the battle seer

i don't view living well as any sort of revenge, bc my idea of living well doesn't include revenge

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian; Well, they're not laughing now.

We knew the picture was a time machine but we packed for the picture itself, not a darkroom between the moment and all of it standing still. Corrosive irritant package should say bring a sweatshirt just in case

People that are offended by a joke make the joke even funnier for me.

Horny mice be like if the walls are squeaking, don’t come a-peeking

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof: Vodka Shot Bingo 7p to floor. Punk Folk night with Mance And The Rayders alongside Mother Of Dragons. God bless.

There is a goat man in my living room, standing on two legs, menacingly watching me eat a bowl of cereal

I drew a giant dick in the snow on your windshield, please respond

5am is a reasonable bedtime.

*Paints your picture from my dreams*

I'VE BEEN AWAKE FOR ALMOST THREE HOURS AND IF I DON'T EAT SOON THERE'S GOING TO BE AN INCIDENT.

Alienated like a fox—.

Nyx. 🥰

Household adventures in natural history.

The untold horrors of the undercarriage.

The harrowing hours that glut the clock and dissolve the self in cortisol.

All my work is done for the week and I'm left to stew in my mind. I work through the branches and trim leaves, until I get to a knot. I can't untie it because I don't have outside resources, so all I can do is ponder the obstacle

Telling the grieving widow of an asshole “Thank you for your loss”

I wear my pants in a way that ensures people know that I am afraid.

Please, southern man, continue to give me, a Wisconsin farm girl, tips on how to drive in your snow down here because..checks notes..your snow is different than northern snow.