Oh so you’re thinkin of trying new things in the bedroom? Well then you should eat a bowl of spaghetti outta your lovers Venus dimples

I’m not perfect. Murder comes to mind when someone laughs cause they thought I was saying Korea when I was in fact saying CAREER. Like haha, you’re gonna die a thousand deaths, I’m glad that’s so funny.

Babe, can you make sure my bib is tucked in regularly when they strap me to a dolly and wheel me to a facility?

i'm more average than most people

This day in history. 1910. The UK parliament passed the People's Budget. The House of Lords had held it up for a year, appalled at the idea of rich people like them paying a five percent income tax. I think George Harrison wrote a song about it. Taxman or Piggies or something.

I just got passed by a PT Cruiser and I don’t even care

Well I just think if science was real, taking a bath would also clean the tub

Disgraceful parking.

I thought the untouchable light was untouchable until I touched it and then found it was not as wispy as previously thought.

Same backyard

His body is at peak performance

What should I have for lunch if not the culmination of all my fears?

MORTAL KMART, is this anything

As a leg man, I can’t confidently say how I would feel about you as a worm

Wilco wants you to relax

I've planted you all here today in order to dig through what we are trying to absorb, and I'm only talking like this because you are nutrient to these vital experiences, as interns at the glossary of the sun

Come Clean my Toilet to the tune of Melissa Etheridge's Come to my Window.

The word ‘comfortable’ has three syllables.

as a young child, I used to wake up each year and look out my back window that looked across the lake to see my uncle’s field ablaze and forget it was a controlled burn and panic so I think am ready for whatever

I am not wearing the right underpants to be experiencing this level of alienation.

Zombies make their deathbed every morning.

Sinking beneath the words.

When you wish upon an orb, you are cursed for life.

The stars we’ll never see.

There’s a sweet spot, when your kids are wee, when you give them a job & they do it really enthusiastically. It’s kind of fun & they feel all grown up because they’re involved, in what you’re doing. THAT’S WHEN YOU BUILD THE EXTENSION!!! I missed that opportunity, don’t make the same mistake. 🥹

i keep standing in the yawning mouth of all my fears, my feet planted even when i feel like the trap will snap shut and swallow me up the longer i stare into the menacing maw the more it looks like a place i could call home for now, fangs become tools and dark becomes a test for my glimmering eyes

Up the towers of chartreuse clouds does our duo climb, climbing to reach the boss of the queen and move through the portal into a new realm. What that realm is, who knows, but it'll be a good time

[date] her: I’m a big dog person me: *whispering* oh shit werewolf

Cut that brownie in half, like you won’t be back in 5 mins to finish it

If you can’t eat them, tax them.

penciled on angry eyebrows today just to save myself some time

Marigold! #art #oc #ocsky

Someone brought smooth peanut butter into work today and I wanna complain cos it's disrespectful to the nut

Look, when I say I have a system. I need you to believe me

An all-time fav

sorry i called your wedding pictures ai slop

Bacon Breath, the cologne. Do I have to think of everything?

I fall asleep sitting up on the couch, splayed like a complicated reenactment scene of the crucifixion (but there is no resurrecting from this).

It wasn't raining when I left my house on my bike, but now I'm at work, soaked and smelling like a wet dog.

Pretty sure I just saw a hummingbird, but I’m not sure. Gonna stand by the feeder for the next 8hrs to confirm

She's not calling you back, boy. The cordyceps hit mid climb and now she's stuck in a tree. Who wants a girl with a brain fungus anyway? You're better off with the bug tongue woman.

Going to start a secret society for cheese lovers, called the “Hallouminati”.

all I wanted to do was to grow up and be a fashion icon guess that ship has sailed

honestly there’s nothing fancy about meeting me anywhere

my smoke break friends at the loading dock say hey

creamin’your jorts doesn’t have the same ring

There’s no problem so big that I can’t exacerbate it.

Oh nothing, just another existential crisis

May I remind you that the last time we went thundering we had to pay to replace all of those people’s eyeglasses on that interstate bus.