They should make some movies with positive representations of liminal spaces. Like when you work at a convenience store and you can go in the walk in behind the drinks. You can smoke back there and steal sodas. Why don't they show that on the movies

me: should i bring my sword? my wife: to brunch?? me: well aunt linda’s going to be there, right? my wife: oh shit aunt linda- yeah, bring the sword

Brought a spear to a knife fight because I still practice social distancing

doc: you should take fish oil for your heart me: question: how do they get oil out of a fish? doc: I have no idea me: are the fish ok after the oil gets taken out? doc: I wouldn't think so me: so they like, smoosh the fish. to get the oil doc: yeah, something like that me: what the fuck

Erling Haaland so ugly the herring took one look at him and pickled themselves

Erling Haaland so ugly he went to a Hideous Goon competition and they said "sorry, no professionals"

i exploded your child with my psychic powers i think we can both agree that was the only move here

how do i unsubscribe from the Transylvania dating feed

me: god is a scam by the devil to convince us we're not in hell employee: sir, this is an arby's me: employee: *growing horns* okay fine you got me. you want one of these disgusting sandwiches

In many ways, Gollum is the Osama Bin Laden of middle earth

hey girl, you wanna come back to my place and play legos? I got some sick kits or we could just break out my miscellaneous storage bins and get real free with it

Scientists recently discovered a "whale graveyard" which is what they used to call me out on the dating circuit

when you go to the bank, never use that pneumatic tube to try to get the bank pregnant. apparently it can't even get pregnant, plus everybody's mad I got cum on the money

Got fired from the drive thru for telling customers “The root of your suffering is your desire”

Am I “unc?” I don’t know, is it “unc” to relish a sunset? Is it “unc” to see the world renewed in the peal of a child’s laughter? To stand still in the ebb of a river of time and grin at the rushing parr with the wisdom of eternity? To rhyme a wilting flower with the universe? Is that “unc?”

*high-fiving each plate on the back of a stegosaurus as I pass by him* good game good game good game

(texting my friend Evil Larry) me: what's up dude Larry: matters most vile

they are releasing a new emotion tomorrow it’s called grince

did you know young women are actually outpacing men in education, starting salary, home ownership, horsepower, necromancy, credit card debt, Bushidō, viscosity, corn, resistance to malicious Fog,,

I don't know what everyone's complaining about. Just go to settings > features > worms, then change the "worms pouring out of my phone" toggle from "yes" to "maybe later"

[after convincing father in law to take me hunting again because I ruined the first trip by naming all the deer stephen] "RUN STEPHEN"

Serious drip. More like Lord "Ate" Earthquake amirite

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

It's beloved childhood toys calling from inside the house just to say we're going to increase in value you to death, like in the original texas playskool massacre

YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK

looks like a moth on molly at a rave. and that's exactly what I expected

The Reznor Law Firm: You're Going to Get What You Deserve™️

joining the NextDoor war on coyotes on the side of the coyotes

I ORDER MY COFFEE BLACK. NO SUGAR. NO MILK. NO WATER. NO CUP. THEY HAND ME THE BEANS. I EAT THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE. THE BARISTAS HAVE STOPPED CHARGING ME. I HAVE NOT SLEPT SINCE TUESDAY. I CAN HEAR THE WIFI

The Odyssey is set in bronze age Greece and Turkey. Matt Damon is solely of British/Scandinavian descent and looks it. People back then were 5" shorter on average than today and Odysseus is described as shorter than average. It's completely absurd. Shame on Christopher Nolan for desecrating Homer!

tried to make an invisibility suit out of chameleon skin. turns out once they're dead the skin stops working

for years I thought 🙏 was a praying hands emoji. someone's spouse passes away from cancer and I'm like "my thoughts and condolences to you and your family, now gimme some up high brosky"

Reporter: Do aliens exist? Obama: *chuckles* Technically no, a time ghoul is from Earth. Just not today’s Earth

[making up ghost story as I go along] but this was no ordinary Honda Accord

I've come to embrace my contradictions — someone who wants to be both famous and anonymous, fit and lazy, glib and deep, owner of a laser sword but also a regular metal sword.

Quick question why do the Dinosaurs performers look like Pavement?

everything I say is an artfully veiled sarcasm, a joke of such sophistication that anyone who falls into my meticulous trap of belief immediately reveals themselves a boorish rube of the highest caliber. whereas everything you say is an honest admission, a disgusting truth borne of an ugly soul

VERY COOL PERSON: It's four-twenty, you know what that means? ME: Hell yeah! [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

imagine discovering a full dinosaur skeleton…super cool, right??! now imagine that dinosaur skeleton is wearing a jean jacket- hang on a sec i have to catch my breath

A CLOSE READING OF “INSIDE OUT” BY EVE 6 The 90's had a lot of songs with terrible lyrics. But this one is special. Let's take a deep dive. 1/

(as a donkey walks by) ah the noble donkey! (donkey moves out of earshot) foolish beast

I'm not purring because you're near it's an uncontrollable self-soothing reaction to a dark cloud above you, it looks like a jackhammer. Oh I'm not purring at all we are vibing to the center of the earth

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

If I were a bus driver I would 100% make the doors chomp on people and be like “oh my gosh I’m so sorry he’s just really hungry right now” and then chomp on them again and then get fired

This is weird, but maybe helpful for other folks: I've been struggling with a persistent ringing in my ears for months, and finally scheduled an appointment to get it checked out. The doctor found a tiny experimental noise band in there. Little table full of gear, bunch of cables and everything