The clipboard is part of the ritual. Without it nothing will get checked off ritual paper with ritual pen during a step by step ritual consultation plus I never know what to do with my clipboardism practicing hand

Man I seen a seagull eat a duck once

one of the most difficult things about getting older is it's a lot harder to catch lizards

Need a wrinkly bag for your thoughts? Try a brain™️.

people joke about putting billionaires in guillotines but a trebuchet would be much funnier

me: did you finish inside me surgeon: please stop saying it that way

well well well look who it is, the lazy ass ferns that just laid browned and flaccid on the ground all winter wanna get all high and mighty now that its a little warmer outside. i wont forget your true nature now that youre standing erect you little shits

After a lengthy appeals process and productive discussion with the Blue Sky safety team I will no loinger be sending George Thorogood lyrics to beautiful women on here via DM. Thank you all

pulled pork = meat mulch

me: so you can't actually swallow the cookies, you just mash them up? you must be starving cookie monster: cookie is tragic figure, like hungry ghost of buddhist folklore

alien trying to fit in by starting a manosphere podcast: these hoes only want one thing... mineral-rich soil to take back to their dying planet

relevant to many of yalls interests.

From: Jeffrey Epstein To: Cain From The Bible Date: March 7th, 3000BC Subject: Re: Thinking of killing my brother? 👀👀 go for it it wouljld be extremlry sexy to invenf thr cornvept of murder snd yherefore curse mankind fur eternkity ;) ;)

sorry just found this in my spam folder r u guys still at the pedo island

(living an unexamined life) yaaaaaay haha yay wheeeeee

Suspiciously asking my wife who's funding her anytime she criticizes me

we're getting all the downsides of cyberpunk (social alienation, ruthless hyper capitalism, digital mass surveillance state) but none of the promised upsides (cheap street food, cool jackets, super drugs that make you really fast and strong before they kill you)

Used the phrase “circle back” in an email today and now the dirt won’t wash off it won’t wash off no matter how much I scrub

Keep the immigrants. Deport the fascists.

ahh a nice night out at the movies. now time to check my phone and see what our mad pedophile king and his evil scheming viziers are up to

YOU (seasonal, joy-filled): Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! ME (rational, unencumbered by feelings): The sky does not require our permission to trigger its wrath.

the only celebrities I care about are muppet-adjacent. if you're a celebrity and you're not muppet-adjacent then fuck off

me: why don't you do more about all the terrible things happening down here? god: I do what I can, but I can't be everywhere at once me: oh. I thought you could god. of course not. nobody can do that. what are you, stupid?

Alas, I have become what I most feared: ten draculas.

did a fire write this

merry indie christmas to all who celebrate (the rest of you probably haven't heard of it) www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iipp...

MY 4-YEAR OLD: *calmly, while coloring a picture of the Grinch* If baby grinches die, we can eat them. If they’re clean. That’s ok

Hey, Dad. All my life I have been the stone in the creek. Shaped by forces moving around me that I could not understand. Today I will become the creek. I will swell over the banks and into the world. I will make it smaller. I will reduce all things. Hope you get this voicemail. Hope you can swim.

What do you think it means when the other gods describe your miracles as "workmanlike"?

People think snow is beautiful until they learn it’s really ground ghost bones.

news reporter: so you really saw an alien and aren't just saying that to get on tv? me with better haircut than usual: yeah that's right

An upside-down umbrella is a great way to transport a large quantity of scrambled eggs in an emergency

I would have cried as well, that's the worst looking flower I've ever seen in my life. looks like a tick being autopsied. complete dogwater flower

[argument at thanksgiving dinner] wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

the enemy of my enemy? I don't think he has one. everybody loves that freakin guy

doc: you should take fish oil for your heart me: question: how do they get oil out of a fish? doc: I have no idea me: are the fish ok after the oil gets taken out? doc: I wouldn't think so me: so they like, smoosh the fish. to get the oil doc: yeah, something like that me: what the fuck

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent [me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now

when my kid uses my debit card to doordash himself a huge bag of nerds gummy clusters and a six pack of blue gatorade

H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

friend i haven't seen in 3 years: yo what's up man me: i saw an air conditioner fall on a guy's head friend: did it kill him me: yeah completely i gotta go good seeing you

BREAKING: scientists have mapped 97% of the DNA from the burger king long chicken sandwich. the results will both terrify and nourish you

me: I love this song my kid: I don't, it's too sad me: sad songs are wonderful. there's something sad inside all of us, and the music speaks to that part of you kid: doesn't that make you sadder me: yes kid: so you just like being sad me: oh no it's the worst

Me kicking an ice cube under the fridge: 🫤 The tiny people under the fridge that live off of them: God has blessed us once more! The famine is over! Man holding his dying child: Please, my son needs first call! Snarling merchant: Your family’s had their time on the cube!

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Just listen to this. D'Angelo took neo-soul to a level of originality and perfect execution that can stand with anything in popular music. RIP

just hear me out: thrice baked potato

Therapist: tell me something exciting that happened to you this week Me: well, McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich Therapist: Me: it has two sausage patties and bacon Therapist: Me: also two slices of cheese, I think Therapist: Me: why do you look so sad