I would have cried as well, that's the worst looking flower I've ever seen in my life. looks like a tick being autopsied. complete dogwater flower

[argument at thanksgiving dinner] wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

the enemy of my enemy? I don't think he has one. everybody loves that freakin guy

doc: you should take fish oil for your heart me: question: how do they get oil out of a fish? doc: I have no idea me: are the fish ok after the oil gets taken out? doc: I wouldn't think so me: so they like, smoosh the fish. to get the oil doc: yeah, something like that me: what the fuck

[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent [me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now

when my kid uses my debit card to doordash himself a huge bag of nerds gummy clusters and a six pack of blue gatorade

H.P. Lovecraft: Your limited human mind cannot comprehend Cthulhu Me: (comprehending easily) Squid guy

Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow

friend i haven't seen in 3 years: yo what's up man me: i saw an air conditioner fall on a guy's head friend: did it kill him me: yeah completely i gotta go good seeing you

BREAKING: scientists have mapped 97% of the DNA from the burger king long chicken sandwich. the results will both terrify and nourish you

me: I love this song my kid: I don't, it's too sad me: sad songs are wonderful. there's something sad inside all of us, and the music speaks to that part of you kid: doesn't that make you sadder me: yes kid: so you just like being sad me: oh no it's the worst

Me kicking an ice cube under the fridge: 🫤 The tiny people under the fridge that live off of them: God has blessed us once more! The famine is over! Man holding his dying child: Please, my son needs first call! Snarling merchant: Your family’s had their time on the cube!

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

Just listen to this. D'Angelo took neo-soul to a level of originality and perfect execution that can stand with anything in popular music. RIP

just hear me out: thrice baked potato

Therapist: tell me something exciting that happened to you this week Me: well, McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich Therapist: Me: it has two sausage patties and bacon Therapist: Me: also two slices of cheese, I think Therapist: Me: why do you look so sad

c'mon son, you've been in there for 45 minutes. there are other people in this house who need to use the shower to hide from a nightmarish reality I can no longer accept

Jerry Garcia: 🎶 got a wife in Chino babe and one in Cherokee. first one says she got my child, but it don't look like me 🎶 My Wife: see? it's not that strange. sometimes kids just look like that minor league baseball player I used to date for no reason

The skeleton weeps as the guilty verdict is read out. "Now as to your sentence," the judge says, as heavy flesh begins to envelop the condemned.

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

Too late, Batman. Once this Tylenol floods the city's water supply, my wiki won't run out of editors ever again

every ancient aliens host: the giant stones at Aramacaradingdong raise profound questions. are they the product of an advanced technology? or perhaps even visitors from beyond the stars? how could ancient humans, who were fucking morons pissing and shitting all over themselves, ever make big rock?

What's your secret to being online all the time without contracting computer madness? For me it's being pure of heart

if the Tin Man hadn't shown up with a whole crew the Wizard would have yanked the gears out of his head and worn his body like a suit of armor

When you're floating up in an abduction ray it's like you have all the time in your world to wonder "is this a notification"

telling Ronald McDonald "leave the gloves on" as I close the restroom door behind us

you're drinking too much milk "I doubt that" [doctor pointing at xray] this area here is all milk

Me: Can I have one of those blue milkshakes that symbolizes Grimace’s blood? McDonalds Cashier: (offended) We believe every beverage symbolizes Grimace’s blood

scientist: this test will determine whether a person is a psychopath *hands me a plain rice cake* me: *eats the entire cake. achingly slow. no expression* scientist: total psycho

never forget what they took from us

[being murdered] murderer: (murdering) what are you doing on your phone me: (putting away phone) my bad what's up what's going on

WIFE: what is another word for literal ME: no it isn't

the literal meaning of "marinara" in Italian is "sailor style." and you were eating a bowl of spaghetti. so that's why I yelled out "damn girl, you suckin that down sailor style"

I’m going to donate my body to non-medical scoence. just some guy who gonma poke it and fuck with it

My dog knows more English words than I know dog words

Unfortunate, but true: the only antidote to poster’s madness is having a rich and fulfilling personal life

You're a shit puppeteer if you can't make them hiss.

chatgpt 5 bring wife back. How bring wife back

me: hmmm. should I go for the 7" or the footlong sandwich brain: the footlong provides more sandwich enjoyment me: but it's always too much. it makes me feel ill brain: the sandwich enjoyment is now. that is later. that's a whole different guy me: *about to get a tummy ache* ok

cat: *slams body into door* what are you doing in there me: nothing. go away cat: are you pissing and shitting? are you in there pissing and shitting without me me: ...no cat: you're lying *slams body into door*

as an American from the Midwest, I do NOT want my burger smashed by some kind of Silicon Valley proprietary tech device. I want it done by a big man with neck rolls whose been working a griddle for 30 years and calls his spatula 'Lucille'

Really enjoying this year's song of the summer (ocean waves throwing a ship against the rocks, shattering wood, the cries of doomed men)

a nuclear reactor on the moon? what's next, populating the moon with animatronic dinosaurs?? and giving each dinosaur the personality of a deceased famous comedian??? and then building a hotel that the animatronic comedian dinosaurs can all work in???? I am actively seeking investment partners

many would find your beauty intoxicating, I admit. but I dwell in the block universe. in each instant I perceive the entire chain of your being, from the moment of birth until the last ragged gasp escapes your shriveled husk. it's icky. so no I don't want to "grab a cup of coffee sometime"

Is there a house in the house (stands up) I'm a house. How are you not home right now but seriously we have someone with an emergency down here in front, would you mind (making its way, applause) I'm actually just a duplex but I am affordable and near the nursing school

Happily walking barefoot on the beach, thinking of the portrait locked in my attic of me with the world's most fucked up toenails

my ideal version of a new york city mayor is a dr. robotnik type figure who sort of hovers over the city in a flying orb type vehicle. he never actually lands, he just flies around and yells and points at you menacingly. maybe he could occasionally throw some obstacles that you have to avoid

wazzzaaaa dude happy birthday lol 😝 hope you’re having a good one wish i was there Also we all know the secret we share. Into the depths of darkness men like us tread. The hunger that drives us away from the light.