(as a donkey walks by) ah the noble donkey! (donkey moves out of earshot) foolish beast

I'm not purring because you're near it's an uncontrollable self-soothing reaction to a dark cloud above you, it looks like a jackhammer. Oh I'm not purring at all we are vibing to the center of the earth

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

If I were a bus driver I would 100% make the doors chomp on people and be like “oh my gosh I’m so sorry he’s just really hungry right now” and then chomp on them again and then get fired

This is weird, but maybe helpful for other folks: I've been struggling with a persistent ringing in my ears for months, and finally scheduled an appointment to get it checked out. The doctor found a tiny experimental noise band in there. Little table full of gear, bunch of cables and everything

reporter: so what has artemis II discovered? nasa: well, we found out the moon is very lonely the moon: 🥺👉👈 nasa: who wanna fuck the moon

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’m hearing reports that the Artemis II crew are already showing symptoms of Moon Mania. This suggests the “insanity field” around the Moon may have grown stronger since the 1960s. God help the crew if that’s the case

it seems weird that the easter bunny, who lays eggs, is a boy. he's pooping those eggs out. they're b-hole eggs

guy whose says "liminal" too much found dead at the end of a normal hallway

god: I need a favor. my son's a carpenter and I need to get him into the union josephus "big joe" aemilianus: I got three good guys right now waiting. and I let a big shot's son in before them? doesn't look good god: I'll clear up your boils and sores. plus a goat big joe: two goats

when i become mayor your penis will not dissappear inside of your balls whenever you sit down . That will not happen anymore

RIP to Jesus, a real one. Gone too soon.

By age 30, you should have a magic act, your own ministry, some prostitute friends, and an omnipotent, all-loving father who orchestrates your crucifixion

When they were building the pyramids, were they allowed to pee down the side, or did they have to walk all the way to the bottom? Obviously no poops but I’m wondering about pee.

gf: would you still love me if I was a worm? God Emperor Leto II Atreides: yes

[hot ones] me: *finishes off gallon of milk* sean evans: ok are you ready for your first wing

hello 👋 i have developed a new tool called blüuümpíi. blüuümpíi will convert every file on your hard drive to a .wav file without asking you, maximize your system volume, and play them on every bluetooth speaker you have ever connected to. if you offer feedback on blüuümpíi i will take legal action

a few years ago I decided to try to understand myself and my emotions in a fundamentally honest way and have to say that was the worst decision I have ever made

[yelling over club music] I said death is the loss of future love

While I find Rowling’s views abhorrent, I’m not going to shame people for still feeling an attachment to Harry Potter. We have to remember how important those books were to a generation of kids as their gateway to Satanism.

the hardest part about separating the art from the artist is how i seem to have glued myself to this macaroni picture

someone on NextDoor claimed owls in the neighborhood are carrying off cats and small dogs and my first thought was "coyotes have learned to type"

a 15 point peace plan seems like a whole lot of points for Trump's attention span. you get to number 13 and it's just "beef tallow fries"

Baseball vampire

saw a single lady on NextDoor ask if "there are any single guys on here". yes she is clearly going to get murdered, but also that's not what NextDoor is for. it's for arguing about whether coyotes are good or bad

sorry I didn't get back to you, I've been slammed. I've got two friends named Zach, except one spells it 'Zack.' and they're both in the chat. so yeah I'm juggling a lot right now

keep it under your hat but I'm making rapid progress on chicken cordon soup. everyone says the tech to seal a chicken soup-tight is decades away but they're forgetting one thing: Superglue

I like to picture the O with the two dots in 'Schrödinger' as a very surprised cat

When you read some phrases, you know you'll remember it forever. Here's one: "you peel the wing apart to find a moist green brain with the idea of a tree enclosed in its folds." "Conkers" by Cynthia Marie Hoffman. What a poem.

(wizard open mic) don’t ya hate it when your homunculus becomes ensouled? (audience murmuring derisively) sooo much paperwork (cough. couple hisses. squinting past the stage lights) ah i see we have a few clay friends in the audience tonight, that’s awesome

Particle Man: *jolts awake in a cold sweat* I dreamed of him again

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

host: oh those eggs are beautiful. and you put a paprika star on each one! me: it's a pentagram. you said to bring satanic eggs host: I said devilled eggs me: I have brought you the fowl-spawn you demanded, yet you answer me with riddles. my Dark Master shall hear of it

son: so they were circles? me: yeah son: in crops? me: yeah son: and this made people freak out? me: yeah, the whole world son: dumb me: well…they were pretty big circles

man is it frustrating to hear MAGA claim their brutality is necessary to "protect western culture." what culture are you protecting, exactly? Kid Rock? Chik-Fil-A? because I know these fascists ain't readin' Proust

honey I mossed the kids. I turned them into moss. yes I realize that's much worse than shrinking them

here's a joke: what has four legs but doesn't walk? *at the same time* me: a table! my strangest child: a dead zebra

it's over. I'm done. Columbia House finally found me

typing "social media has destroyed our ability to exist as normal, decent human beings instead of obsessive performative apes" into the little box on the social media app

Meet my newest creation: Drop the Semi-All-Knowing Egg of Enchantment and Mystery. I designed and hand-sewed her, and I hand-embroidered her flowers. www.patreon.com/jeremycreature

The Magic of Snow (2024) Art Print: www.inprnt.com/gallery/ryot...

Came back secondhand, born in thrift. It never could have all been brand new but some say there's an invoice somewhere. It would mean we're alive not just curses in old things. Me, I astral project to Etsy

Let’s be honest: in many of these winter Olympic “sports”, the snow is doing most of the work. An unexpected thaw would expose these so-called athletes for the frauds they are

Every Super Bowl ad is for the door in the forest. It’s annoying. “You must walk through the door.” Yeah thanks, I know that already. I dream of the door every night

The clipboard is part of the ritual. Without it nothing will get checked off ritual paper with ritual pen during a step by step ritual consultation plus I never know what to do with my clipboardism practicing hand