big burt acquired

synthetics when someone’s chest is bursting

does he ever miss

you can’t infringe on our right to bear hoagies

here it is folks, the Chicken Finger

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

price firmer than arizona iced tea

historically unpopular move for him

i am going to create an email that is so pronouns

someone tell gavin newsom how many homeless encampments mamdani destroyed with his bare hands

Buncha supposed politics experts are going to spend the next week looking at a young charismatic candidate with an optimistic message like it’s some cryptic formula for cold fusion

one night when things are not terrible

let’s do another election tomorrow

i need a live cam on the cuomo campaign stat

watching election results come in

i had forgotten what elections feel like when it’s not extremely bleak. we should make good choices more often

sorry but mamdani and cuomo should have worn blue and yellow hats, respectively

pretty awesome how we sacrificed our constitutional rights in exchange for more expensive healthcare and food

Man's wife loves him and wants him to succeed. Here's why that's bad.

we used to be a nation of reverence and honor

it’s nice that ghosts mostly haunt mansions. imagine being poor living in a shitty apartment with roaches and leaky pipes and then you have to deal with a freeloading phantom that keeps leaving the tv

they can’t keep giving us hours

the reason the government hasn’t gotten rid of this wildly unpopular time change bullshit is because it’s psychological warfare to keep us confused and docile

turn my clocks back? i’m turning them around. i don’t need to see that shit

now that baseball is over we can focus on a real sport: super monkey ball

i’ve been saying this but nobody listens until it’s too late

in 40 years you’ll have a doctor named tyler tell you you’re cooked

happy to see the flies had a fun night trick or treating inside my pumpkins

ok tomorrow the kids stay home and grown ups get to go around asking for drugs and razor blades

halloween any other year: im so tired. why do we do this? halloween on a friday: s tier holiday. we have perfected tradition

can’t believe the government has been shut down for a month and i still have to pay a dad tax

tonight is the like the super bowl for monsters and ghouls and such

i love halloween because you can get an uber and then there’s your driver, a xenomorph

what do you mean it’s got “pre-biotics”? did you put primordial soup in my smoothie be honest

me, showing her a funny costume on my phone: judge: please answer the qu— lol nathan garfielder

i love seeing someone in the traditional vampire costume. very safe. everyone knows you. that’s our buddy dracula

it’s me, i’ve been stealing all the rubber conveyor belt dividers. this country doesn’t need more division. these are OUR groceries

my annual warning to be careful this halloween. it’s when the children come out

tick or treat? ok commie. how about trick or get a job

they should invent a salad you can eat with a fork

so this month i’m supposed to buy a pumpkin, then next month a turkey, and december a tree? can anyone explain what the fuck is going on?

who gave them keys

to the car stopped next to me at a traffic light with its windows down blasting the jurassic park theme and yelling “YES! YES!!!”: 👍

oh you like the world series? what season of the world are you on?

stop training cops how to shoot a gun and start training them how to tickle

Cookie Monster’s date: Can we talk about something else

imagine they made tony hawk’s pro skater today and instead of unlocking darth maul and shrek you’d unlock skibidi toilet and 6 7

george santos posting from ihop

the origin story of Pool Man