one of those treat pouches for dogs but filled with advil to give myself every time i send an email

sorry you cannot trick me into mourning the loss of short distance airplane flights

are the rocks ok

obligatory “we’re in for some nice weather”

happy mother’s day to dr pepper

[trying to explain what a “made for tv movie” is to a kid] it’s like a movie that goes straight to tubi

don’t forget to leave out an empty cup you were planning on reusing for mother tonight

prosecutor: you were caught with a bag full of money and a gun me: crazy to be focusing on that when aliens might be real

i can’t keep doing this

being a lightweight is great. oh you need a 6 pack to get a buzz? i accidentally rubbed hand sanitzier in my eye and now i. can’t rmeember next week

what my gut microbiome sees when i swallow an antibiotic

they’ve traced the origin of cruise ship hantavirus outbreaks to none other than rudy “bitin” giuliani

[humans invent roads] roadrunners:

check on your rivers

babybel walking through a wax museum: none of these would fit me

every time i break a glass

Biblically accurate Charlie Kirk Way sign:

they’re calling it the most vandalized sign in street history

just saw a biden 2028 sticker lmao

my second play through will be better i’m still learning life’s mechanics

asked my boss if i could work from home but he said i don’t even work from work

getting more followers while inactive

bless you

at all costs we must keep the president safe by putting him a ballroom and locking the doors and closing the curtains and just carrying about like he doesn’t even exist

my kindergartner just told me “math is all around us” like sundays aren’t scary enough

whenever i’m feeling shitty about myself i just remember there’s a guy out there who’s life is “threatened” by “assassination” “attempts” multiple times a year and the entire response from the internet is laugh reactions

Me: this is a pretty cool ring Gollum: my preciousssss Me: oh shit is that a Boondock Saints poster signed by both Boondock Saints? Gollum: my other precioussssss

i’ve been enjoying tacos with my beautiful family did i miss anything

Gandalf seeing the Balrog:

who keeps waking this guy up. let the man sleep

had a dream last night i landed a double kickflip and then posted about it so here i am fulfilling the part i can do

alright

how it feels ignoring google maps directions

i just saw everyone hanging out at the straight of hormuz after i was told it was closed wtf

captains in the hormuz chat

hey i’m thinking of getting into crime does anyone know if the FBI director is blacked out currently

bluesky meet Persimmon Calzini say hi to her right now

“bluesky’s likes per day are dropping” ok maybe we’re just trying not to crash the site you’re welcome to

what if it happened while the servers were down

survived another tax season. or as billionaires like to call it, April

sorry about the outage. thus place only exists in my consciousness

i’m still laughing about that duplo guy who said creatives need to use AI or drive for uber

cooksmaxxing wherein i cook a ton of food

priest: and so wise king solomon said “i will cut the baby in half” me: ohhh. i get it. baby was a worm priest: no it was a test me: risky test. what if he’s not a worm

another win for donny

i don’t need a deep dive into the economic system of bikini bottom but on what income was patrick buying krabby patties

fellas is it creative if you didn’t use AI?

jesus: you’re cured leper: but how? jesus: i’m a doctor

my musical hot take is alanis morissette’s usage of “ironic” is close enough