doing the no kings march today to avoid the crowds

just scored some leftover helium, time to fill up balloons and get this party started!

god: can you build me a following? jesus: i normally do furniture

you’re a good van, charlie brown

one king

this guy just says words without thought huh

our monkey who art in heaven, super be thy ball

completely forgot travis kelce exists

between streaming and betting i am now convinced the smartest financial decision i ever made was to be completely uninterested in sports

i just got really excited seeing my neighbor get picked up in A TAXI ?? like the past 20 years were a dream that i just woke up from

lmao

rest well sweet Ford. we named you after Ford Prefect from Hitchhikers Guide for your thumbs. you didn’t love visitors, delivered plenty of scars to remember you by, but you were always gentle with kids. off to the cat tree at the end of the universe. don’t forget your towel

i don’t own a metal detector so every time i go to the beach i bring home a bucket of sand and stick it in the microwave

employer: you failed your drug test me: i was holding that pee for a friend

rock therapy

my cat is getting put down tomorrow which sucks a lot but also she is getting the best 48 hours of her life. unlimited treats, catnip, tuna, cake. hell, i might even let her drive the car

i do not "organize my files", i do not "put things in separate folders", i PUT EVERYTHING IN DOWNLOADS! and if i can't find it, i LOST IT!

thanks but just the thought of holding a gun will give us colon cancer

is anybody looking into how sopping wet baby carrots are? just swimming in juice, absolutely soused in their slop

never thought i’d be nostalgic for the days of shitposting brands

i love watching my government officials and their billionaire friends raking in the insider trading spoils using the vehicle of war crimes

federal government: you owe us money me: first i’m hearing of it federal government: we sent you letters me: sorry i do not accept mail-in bills

ah ok i see the problem. the “straight” is, in fact, very much bent

pennsylvanians clearly love that shit

with these idiots running TSA we’re gonna have a 9/III

ICE is doing TSA?? what’s next, ICE doing air traffic control? ICE flying the plains? ICE as the passengers?? how do we make this happen

counted four bandaids at the pool today. my community is healing ❤️‍🩹

he just can’t catch a break from entirely predictable consequences

if you see my son walking alone at night do not engage. he tried ordering a burger and milk at a sushi restaurant

Tarpaulin would be a beautiful name for a baby girl

pilot: we’re uhhhh experiencing some four loko

finally, a gym that helps me get laughed at on the internet

rage wasn’t enough, the machine needs to get berzerked

teach 👏 lizards 👏 about 👏 climate 👏 change 👏

guess that texas ranger won’t be walking no more

i am asking congress for $200 billion to hit pete hegseth in this throat with a frisbee

they discontinued the penny and replaced it with something that’s worth less

small price to pay for computer girlfriends

actually i did vote for more inflation, corruption, wars, and objectively evil activities. because, you see, i was under the impression that it was opposite day

wow that’s a lot of letters next to your name. do you know any more?

peter thiel’s eyes look like they’ve gone through multiple subsidence events from soul extraction

elon i have bad news for you

is someone leaning on the Turmoil button

the united states needs to swallow its pride and just reload an old save file

hey that looks like my in-n-out

another year another oscar snub for House Arrest (1996)

i’m not watching the oscars but from what i can tell all the movies won

i love when science is just “break rock”

the only thing i’ve ever done in my life

they got a laugh track playing every time he enters the hospital like kramer