once again, if tylenol caused autism, america would have a better rail system

the rapture isn’t happening tomorrow but we can still have a little fun and pretend our christian coworkers don’t exist

my favorite step in the scientific method: gossip

sorry disney if you want me back so bad why don’t you pay me

also bringing kimmel back

“solving autism” the day before the rapture is so desperate

trump: you’re treating me very unkind. so nasty. it should be illegal the way you talk to me. i’m not surprised your ratings have tanked. look at this place, what a dump st peter: it’s still no

he has the opportunity to do the funniest thing

everyone is focused on what brendan carr said on that podcast (for obvious reasons) but i don’t think enough people watched it to see the host 100% pick his ear and then sniff his fingers

i’m inventing a social media app that’s just tv shows. i’m calling it tv

Me: I need more power Gf being cute: I’m stronger than 10,000 samurai😊 Me: haha..no you’re not. The strength of ten thousand samurai is immeasurable. [2 hrs later] Ten thousand. Wtf In tears as I bend the knee in servitude: Daimyo.. Her thinking Im proposing: ohmygodohmygod

remember when elon said DOGE was sending checks out for all the money it was saving taxpayers lmao

at my funeral there will be three caskets. yep we’re doing the shell game

i guess the rapture is tuesday. what are we up to wednesday

5 min ago they were saying it was vaccines and now people are dying of measles

hey if you’re worried about getting into heaven maybe stop violating “murder laws”

finished my chores for the day. time to grapple with the crushing weight of existence

“positive impact” lmao clearly you misunderstand what kind of content gets promoted on algorithm-based platforms

we can’t really speculate that things would’ve been better under kamala. we could all be cancelling our Sling accounts right now

watching the Bad Bunny concert truly solidifying the case that the U.S. does not deserve Puerto Rico

yeah deleting that shit yesterday

computers probably see humans do the robot dance and think “well done, you executed 372 individual movements and didn’t complete a single task. embarrassing really”

cancelling disney plus isn’t enough i need to sneak into the park and spank the pirates

thanks to cop-washed media i read this like a bald eagle shot someone

me, scrolling the feed in 2030: hm the lake of fire just swallowed five states, seems bad BluwaveReS1ster🇺🇦🌻💙🌊: sure ignore the literal tens of people who signed our Ban the Lake of Fire petition but go off, doomer

imagine sitting on this with a lawn chair and some beers

america is ready for a president that’s a bulbasaur

moms: don’t eat food off the ground also moms: why haven’t you touched your carrots idiot

every time a political figure from the right criticizes this administration they come back a week later with “actually i am totally ok with this and furthermore, they do not have my family in a cellar”

scared to lose your job over a post? try Sarcasm™️

what kind of group is thi— oh got it, makes sense

hate dealing with more and more apps. they should invent an uber that will pick you up by waving at it

idk seems risky to force the left into boycotting every media outlet. if you don’t like us now, just wait until we’re bored and focused

ooohhhhhh Project 2025 as in THIS year

so what happens next year when they completely rig the midterms? bc obviously no one is stopping them. feel like maybe we should plan ahead for that, maybe form a task force idk

Every pundit who took at face value the idea that the Right sincerely cares about free speech, or ideological diversity, or in fact has any principles at all, should be wearing a dunce cap and writing a lengthy mea culpa right now. Not for our catharsis but for public awareness at least

HIT ‘EM WITH THE OL’ RAZZLE DAZZLE CHUCK (a firm yet polite letter)

smile expert here. Melania is expressing a sense of imminent freedom

pretty dark point in american history when we’ve left late night television entirely in the hands of jimmy fallon

no you don’t get it. free speech is totally fine as long as it’s talking about killing homeless people

ah well hey at least groceries are more expensive

i do think we are at a turning point in the week

so the charlie kirk and united health CEO assassinations, and both attempts on trump were all by politically ambiguous dudes. the left has been trying to warn you something was wrong with the undecideds this whole time but somehow we’re the bad guys

if i send you this it means i’m quietly causing problems

elon makes something that crashes every day until he forgets, day 8,037

live a life in such a way that your death makes everyone pause for a moment of lust

if i see any post expressing less than debilitating thirst for robert redford i am calling your boss

“we want to keep the government open because we’re afraid that our constituents will yell at us if we go home”