seems like these geomagnetic storms are happening more often. is the sun mad at us?

oh you get to see the auroras? i get to see my beautiful family

they’re running out of white guys to pardon

this will make it so much harder to kill them

unintentionally slashing carbon emissions by making air travel too scary

this guy started the video with his qualifications as if there was any chance i wouldn’t trust this man about clocks

when i ask my coworker who doesn’t follow politics how his weekend was

no, they aren’t cowards. it’s actually very brave to piss off millions of people on a sunday night

i don’t have another monday in me

everyone search “how to remove a senator” i want to see something

or not

even if they don’t get enough votes to cave, they flinched. they showed republicans they’re too soft to hold out much longer. anyone who was even considering a yes deserves a primary

"Sir, we've won every skirmish! The enemy is on the run!" "Then let's take them by surprise with an unexpected surrender!"

[less than a week after dems sweep elections] chuck schumer: have we tried my same old bullshit?

“source?” it was a hint on the loading screen

folding now while everyone is blaming republicans for the ongoing shutdown would be the funniest fumble in history if it weren’t so consequential

every generation loves Rumours. it’s fucking Rumours

every time i change my own oil i’m like “well done, i spent 2 hours making a mess to save $5”

i would enjoy chores more if they unlocked some cool loot like a new hairstyle or a weapon

we are in your walls

“mom told us we have to be nice to you” ok now scram im trying to shoplift

big burt acquired

synthetics when someone’s chest is bursting

does he ever miss

you can’t infringe on our right to bear hoagies

here it is folks, the Chicken Finger

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

price firmer than arizona iced tea

historically unpopular move for him

i am going to create an email that is so pronouns

someone tell gavin newsom how many homeless encampments mamdani destroyed with his bare hands

Buncha supposed politics experts are going to spend the next week looking at a young charismatic candidate with an optimistic message like it’s some cryptic formula for cold fusion

one night when things are not terrible

let’s do another election tomorrow

i need a live cam on the cuomo campaign stat

watching election results come in

i had forgotten what elections feel like when it’s not extremely bleak. we should make good choices more often

sorry but mamdani and cuomo should have worn blue and yellow hats, respectively

pretty awesome how we sacrificed our constitutional rights in exchange for more expensive healthcare and food

Man's wife loves him and wants him to succeed. Here's why that's bad.

we used to be a nation of reverence and honor

it’s nice that ghosts mostly haunt mansions. imagine being poor living in a shitty apartment with roaches and leaky pipes and then you have to deal with a freeloading phantom that keeps leaving the tv

they can’t keep giving us hours

the reason the government hasn’t gotten rid of this wildly unpopular time change bullshit is because it’s psychological warfare to keep us confused and docile

turn my clocks back? i’m turning them around. i don’t need to see that shit

now that baseball is over we can focus on a real sport: super monkey ball

i’ve been saying this but nobody listens until it’s too late

in 40 years you’ll have a doctor named tyler tell you you’re cooked

happy to see the flies had a fun night trick or treating inside my pumpkins

ok tomorrow the kids stay home and grown ups get to go around asking for drugs and razor blades