tech bros are not beating the “never read an entire book” allegations

my wife was renewing our healthcare plan for the two of us and found out the premiums would cost 3x more. i asked how much it would be to take me off and just cover her. the website said it would be 10x more expensive, then it cancelled our current plant before crashing. but at least we ended woke

as your income goes up you’re supposed to feel more poor. that’s how you know capitalism is working

every time you fail a year they should give you full health and buffs before starting the next one

“prehistoric shark found in a suburban town in scotland” is a murder mystery i would watch

gamer with a time machine: built rome in 8 hours 23 minutes, expert mode, no damage, no armor, no glitches 🥱

did a fire write this

ok next year we’re defeating christmas

the week between christmas and new years is for moving from room to room with your bag of treats

scrooge: *raising hand again* what if the pay is terrible business professor: still no *rubbing temples* do not hire a frog

jacob marley: tonight you will be visited by three ghosts me: i have work tomorrow

bonkers time to be posting old photos with this man in particular

bald guy: i’ll do anything to have hair again doctor, writing a prescription to “kill the grinch”: good

advent calendars don’t have to only be for christmas. i’m starting one for Alicia Keys’ birthday

this is like the super bowl for dads with a pocketknife

who the fcuk is on my roof

one more file will put this to rest

Mr. Gorbachev, DECK THIS HALL!!

where else are we supposed to extreme speed

joseph: do you have any rooms innkeeper: yeah sur— [mary in audible labor] innkeeper: ew

[opening another box of coal] what the hell, all my presents were redacted

separating the art from the artist is convenient until you consider that art is an expression of one’s self and all their problematic values are baked into it. which is why i can no longer wear the one ring to rule them all

only one more shopping day to find that perfect spice for a baby

I donated a car to charity a few years back and my reward for it is a pretty constant barrage of emails asking me why the fuck I’m not giving them more cars

i do think it’s funny that they cherry picked a bunch of bill clinton photos to release with the epstein files and he’s just like “more with me please”

don’t worry Bari Weiss, i’m not going to watch the 60 Minutes segment on CECOT. i’m going to sit my ass down and listen

i just think if you want someone to read your sign maybe don’t spin it

I feel like I'm going to get a lot of use out of this Pluribus screencap

maybe we’re looking at the redacted epstein files all wrong. maybe we need to scan them like a QR code

when i eat too much tylenol

well mystery solved

star wars is a christmas movie (yoda is an elf)

human trafficker walking around his private sex island: say cheese 📸 the most powerful people on the planet: 🙂

let’s just assume anyone worth over $100 million hung out with epstein and banish them from society

nobody tell them about ctrl+F

In home alone, the same actor who plays one of the bad guys plays the cop at the beginning of the movie.

ever since i was a little boy i knew i wanted to stare at rectangles that make me angry

they really just let anyone address the nation now

live a life that doesn’t make the entire internet think you’re going to Budd Dwyer yourself on live tv

december is the time for everyone to come together and say “thank god this miserable year is over” knowing full well the next one will be much worse

good thing we granted hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars to the human database company named after the magical surveillance ball

“hey remember that super unpopular war fought over an imaginary threat that was a total waste of money and lives? we should do one but closer”

every time i think this guy couldn’t possibly get any more evil he releases another evil DLC

god damn that Welcome to Derry finale did not have to go that hard

inigo montoya we need you

unfortunately “sir, the vibrations” will be playing in my head indefinitely

rocks are pretty

The meaning of Christmas is don’t be rich or we’ll send ghosts to fuck your shit up

no way santa is coming to the US this year with the half his naughty list joining ICE

congratulations to everyone with their new questions but all these were very obvious