if you’re still in line to clash with pam bondi STAY IN LINE

that really says “nearly all democrats” huh

unrelated but i cannot read the word “tranche” without hearing Paul F. Tompkins as Cake Boss

this happened to me once except instead of a convenience store it was underground etruscan ruins and instead of an alarm i didn’t want to move because there were scorpions

none of these words are good

i think elon musk should keep lowering his space exploration goals until he is exploring the deep sea like a proper billionaire

you know he’s lying awake tonight with these questions rattling through his head

seems pretty likely that the agency that just got $75B will say they cannot possibly fulfill democrat demands without more money and dems will fold very easily

the only time elon makes me excited and inspired about the future is when he’s clearly posting through a severe depressive episode

very high likelihood that 3% was just people tuning in to watch it crash and burn

before vs after

h... how much poison is supposed to be in baby food?

conservative: i can’t understand a single word in this halftime show, what else is on 🎵bawitdaba, da bang, da dang diggy diggy🎵 conservative: amen patriot

gatorade is owned by pepsico but it's the coca cola of the sports drink market. powerade in turn is owned by coca cola, but it's unquestionably the pepsi of sports drinks. this should be plainly obvious to all

actually i’m good 👍

i believe we will all burst into a new song that we somehow know the melody and lyrics to like the triumphant end to a musical

the administration continues its record of zero coherent messages

we’re going to make america fertile again. unrelated, let’s deregulate all these beautiful chemicals

the battle of Isengard

so they spent an entire year stripping DEI out of everything and then got mad the halftime show wasn’t bilingual enough

i’m not watching the game but can you let me know if someone eats the ball. i’d watch that

today is like the super bowl for snacks

how am i just finding out they had a whole damn movie

i hadn’t considered the penis enhancement was an inspector gadget scenario

i’m going to costco does anyone need a lot

they should make booing at the U.S. a new olympic event. the U.S. would win

take it from the guy who knows what booing sounds like

Bill Clinton has famously never lied under oath

bill clinton requesting a public congressional hearing is fine or whatever but literally no one is stopping him from speaking publicly now. we know you’re guilty dude take all the other creeps down with you

we at the republican party want a small federal government. so small it can squeeze into every aspect of your life. this will cost a lot of tax money

ok tone down the charisma pal they’ll send you to the asylum

i knew it. you cannot fly that far without penis enhancing drugs

i’m sorry but swiss is the most boring cheese. the flavor has zero depth. it’s like it made holes its entire personality

ah wednesday night, the 2:50 pm of the week

i just fired jeff bezos

my smart n final cashier training the other cashier: calling the manager is lowkey the move at this moment

me staring at the pile of clean laundry that needs to be folded:

tbh i thought mitch mcconnell died a long time ago

We need less Kid Rock and more kind rock

the past few days have made it abundantly clear that a true mark of good character is how many emails you DON’T reply to

We can do this the easy way or the hard way, or the poached way or the scrambled way, or we can make this an omelette

oh my god they’re scared of Principal Spoors from Bob’s Burgers

oh you think you can overwhelm us with 3 million pages of documents? babe you have no idea how online we are

Wonder Man is delightful

i’m at the detention facility. i’m at the measles outbreak. i’m at the combination detention facility measles outbreak

chappell roan didn’t have to wear that but she did. because she loves us

dear god, if you exist, please send us a reporter brave enough to ask him about the pants shitting

they’re finally bringing back the panera lemonade that kills you