I am wastypants. But I know he is more so when I can talk him into anything. Hee hee hee.

You’re wearing a sports bra at the gym. I’m wearing a PacMan t-shirt that I’m frantically pulling down to cover the hole in the butt of my pants. We are not the same. BUT YOU ALSO AREN’T BETTER THAN ME OKAY?!

I used to believe that evolution would take care of humans. Now I know that the only thing that will take care of humans is other humans. Bummer, right?

People are just generally garbage. Raccoons should rip us apart for food.

🖤

My coworkers and I were laughing/venting/griping about men and as one woman walked away, she received a text from her husband saying how proud he is of who she is and how hard she fights for their family and we were all like, "OMG, did you butt dial him?!?" 👀

Seen while walking around at work yesterday before it got REALLY HUMID...

Apparently the only thing I’m good at is mental illness.

Dinner tonight is Caldo Tlalpeño A Mexican chicken soup originating from Tlalpan, Mexico 🌱🌶🍜🍽👩‍🍳

📷

I'm like a baby in that if I can't put it in my mouth, I'm not particularly interested.

Her: I’m leaving. Him: Why? Her: Every time you undress before sex you yell “Say hello to my little friend!” Him: So? Her: It’s accurate.

Being kind is a great way to live. Visiting mysterious libraries is a great way to live. Reading grimoires of ancient magic is a great way to live. Enchanting a mossy cottage to float through the forest in style and grace is the best way to live.

My wife and I couldn't have pets so our children are our cats.

This is a cat check point. Relinquish your most recent cat picture on your phone.

A beautiful Tree Swallow at Magee Marsh in Oak Harbor, Ohio. I really lucked out with the light for this picture, and that this bird perched for several moments. 05/17/26. 🪶

I don't wish violence on anyone, I just sometimes wish the safety seal always rips a thin strip down the middle and that lids never go back on straight the first time.

🪶 Summer lads

i fear that baby Mozart accomplished more than i ever will

jet setting, but the jet is a 20 year-old hatchback

Not me fancying up the instant ramen again 🤭

Today's (haunted?) antique store find is this candy jar from the 50s. He's supposed to look cute but I love him bc he's clearly evil

You’re not really successful if you don’t have someone to cut out the individual grapefruit wedges for you

Whenever I fall down, I always quickly stand up and yell "TA-DA!!!" so everyone knows I meant to do that

No, it’s fine Hicks! You just stay there.. I’ll get up at 06:30 every morning, and go spend time with the wrong kind of weirdo’s, so we can keep you in the luxurious lifestyle you’re accustomed to. Four more days to go until half term. Sheesh.

I hate it when I get half through the day and realize I put my brain on inside out

it’s my party and I'll utter the ancient words that reanimate the dead if I want to

Struck gold

We don't shoot people out of cannons like we used to 🙁

This is Spencer. He asked to see a pic of the situationship you've been telling him about. Thinks maybe it's time to focus on yourself. 13/10 (IG: ourboyspencer)

This is a stupid fucking hobby

grilling hot dogs between storms like a sea captain. Yeah, just like a sea captain

A trio of voids, all sending different messages with only their eye contact 👀 Goji, delivering 'I am a businessman' energy 💼 Miguel, bragging to you about the fact he can open doors- don't worry, we've reinforced all doors he has access to with handle locks 😹 And Tommy asking you, 'when's lunch?' 🍔

“This place is making me very uncomfortable, Jessica.”

Rooster is sighing a lot for a man who *volunteered* for dish duty.

shitposting is just giving your inner child a voice

If you fall in love with a pillar of salt, you won't be able to go on a date to the pool.

So there I was in the shower, half asleep, barely functioning, wondering if it’s true that farm turkeys drown while looking up at the rain

*gazing longingly out the window* “when will my metabolism return from the war?”

Sorry I'm late. I had to watch all six Sharknados to get here.

Name a cuter cat than Thomas in his pajamas... we'll wait

If you see this, post your getaway vehicle. I swear the Soviets stole half of their designs from the cover of my 6th-grade math notebook.

the best I can do is bake a cassarole

Anyway, I successfully ate saucy ribs in bed like a king, so it ain’t all bad

This is a Leopard Frog, and it can eat things you wouldn't expect from something this small! Adults will swallow insects, worms, smaller frogs, and occasionally small birds and garter snakes whole. #frogs #nature #animals #photography

Yaint gettin’ my melon, dog. And neither are you 🫵 Ok, maybe you, but definitely not you 🫵

it’s interesting how much of life feels like you’re dying

Pisces: You’ll live like a king this week, fearing for your life and distrusting those around you.

i took the edible but it's starting to feel like the edible took me