Real reporting doesn’t take a break for the holidays

I bet that guy who brought myrrh was like “this is for your birthday AND Christmas!” and then smiled like he got away with something

pronouncing poaster like zoroaster

I heard he broke his jaw in two places and my first thought was “I hope he keeps going back to those places”

hi, cis folks! this week, with some democrat votes, 2 anti-trans bills passed the house. one bans medicaid funds for trans youth care, the other proposes jail time for providers. they haven't passed the senate, but dems may need convincing to vote no on both. tap into the 🧵for a quick action.

aerating the aura fields in preparation for next season

u can always tell when the ppl on here trying to give each other brain damage are doing it performatively vs when it comes from the heart. totally different vibe and success rate

Getting etsy witch gift cards for xmas, wish me luck

they’ve been on the co-op board for twenty years and have already rejected your application but they still want to hear you plead your case

they’re deporting the afghan hounds!

fruitcake is nice actually

tootling bubbles and causing troubles

im not objecting but why is caturday still trending?

earlobes are the nipples of the face

I should call her

everything hurts now 0/10 do not recommend

gonna try pulling myself up by my bootstraps. will report back

whispering to my date during the hairdryer commercial: “that’s con air”

Me, when I hear Philip Rivers is ending his 5-year retirement to face the Seahawks:

batman told me the joker keeps killing his robins so I asked how many robins he has and he said he just goes to the orphanage and gets a new robin afterwards so I said it sounds like he's just feeding orphans to the joker and then his butler started crying

not everyone is built to speak truth to power but some horses are dickheads and need to be told this

😤

sure, when I lay down in a manger I'm "that great drunken idiot who keeps peeing in the trough" but when he does it it's all "oh, come let us adore him!" fucking hypocrites, man

jimmy fallon is such a pathetic corporate shill that if you cut him he’d probably bleed diet pepsi (please do not cut him, diet pepsi is terrible)

Nah bro you can't line dance your way outta this one

Whyyyy tho

RIP victorian chimney sweeps you would have loved juul pens

nine foot tall cat

adjusting the thermostat (sticking one foot out from under the duvet)

there’s no rule that says a cathedral can’t play football

My politics, in short: if someone writes a really great song they should be able to live comfortably for the rest of their lives on that alone

whispering to my date whenever Nic Cage or John Travolta are on screen: “that’s face off”

“Dermatologist recommended”? I’m gonna stop you there. My dermatologist this morning said with a straight face I should wear 30 SPF every day even in winter even indoors and reapply every two hours and would I like to buy some sunscreen

Remember that one kid who’d shout “present!” when the teacher was doing roll call? That guy was hilarious

Thinking I might do a lil scamper later idk

in the uk is it called meths

Young Marble Giants absolutely fucked my listening age

they're playing perimenopop inside 7/11

stop listening to music that’s how the devil gets you

we fremen have a saying: strong floor, no ceiling

they call it gubernatorial because they’re all goobers

cnc music factory

the best part of hammer time is when he makes everyone stop what they're doing to watch him crab dance

if you’re anti-“baby it’s cold outside” you need to grow up and accept some people are into cnc

“walk” has no business being spelled like that

You laugh, but in the 80’s having a Huge Walkman Closet was considered a status symbol

📽️

Mike McDaniel looks like the host of a horrible podcast