Opening a popsicle stand strictly for the oral sex

These autism pills have really helped with my headache

Derrick Henry is one of those rare players where you feel privileged you got to see him play

joining the manosphere and grifting off the idea that no man should have nipples

It’s cool, I’m sure the makers of Tylenol don’t even have lawyers

As America's most pro-business leader in a generation, I will choose one company each week and accuse them of witchcraft

free idea: racing game where your car’s power and handling characteristics are influenced by the playlist you make before every race

“assuaged by sausages” is a palindrome if you eat enough sausages

please don’t show god my skeets tomorrow, they were just meant for the creeping things

Call me Icarus the way I’m regretting these hot wings

More like Lilith UNFAIR haha nailed it

Call me Icarus the way I’m regretting these hot wings

extra incel olive oil

a special jail for podcasters who say “we’re in agreeance” instead of “we agree”

Very normal text from someone I haven’t spoken to since 2008

It would be pretty cool if those guys suddenly developed an allergy to oxygen

Wild how William Tell got famous for his hatred of apples and not being a tyrannicidal assassin who sparked a revolution against incestuous rulers

I don’t even care if george r r martin finishes the third testament at this point

get me through this semi-charred kind of life, baby

New guy just dropped (very similar to the other guys)

Nothing Eric Adams could do would surprise me. He is Tracy Jordan with executive power, he may decide to kill us all tomorrow, or try to drain the Hudson looking for emeralds or outlaw bodega sandwiches made without mustard. He just be doing whatever.

Despacito, why don't you come to your senses?

They’re running trains through here contantly

Each generation believes that they invented the cool S

Some of you have gotten pretty fucking conceited since winning second prize in that beauty contest and collecting $10

It is through the absolution of marcus aurelius that I shall pass unharmed through the day’s minefield

if I were sisyphus I would invest in an over the shoulder boulder holder

Ok first of all, secure the bag, girl But also what’s going on with fb catposting accounts?

rip jimmy kimble you would have loved bluesky—jokes are illegal here too

Happy birthday @therealelvira.bsky.social !

beans share if you agree

you guys wanna do slimes later or what?

orinoco flow is a sea shanty

beans share if you agree

most of life is believing you have bones without ever actually seeing them

these reels of people doing sleight of hand tricks for monkeys at the zoo has me fucked up once the monkeys know magic its over for us. disappearing tigers, are you being serious?

catch my meek ass inheriting the earth

For health reasons, I will no longer be asking “what’s going on?” Let’s just sigh at each other instead

belatedly realizing this whole kirk performative retribution is a dry run for the next guy

Redford taking one for the team so people will stop talking about that other guy

They need to stop putting jared leto in movies if they expect me to go see them

what about Broadzilla and she's just for the ladies

This is Finny. He doesn’t go chasing waterfalls. He carefully studies their timing and arrives in advance. 14/10 very impressive (TT: jordancain70)

you want me to caper about the stage, like some tootling jongleur?

So about that guy you asked us to kill, my liege? Yes? We jammed a sword straight down his fucking throat like you asked And? Well, you’re not gonna believe this….

this would have killed in the agora

“Please, do not disturb my circles” —Archimedes, when they shut down his Google+ account

DOCTOR!! we need 150 CCs of queer joy & enthusiastic defiance ASAP! inject it straight into the soul of our bluesky feed!! follow this starter pack for a lovingly curated variety of both large & small accounts. i highly recommended everyone in the pack!

Alternative History accounts will say “Nobody knows how they did this! We have lost the technology” and it’s three rocks stacked on top of each other