I met up with Mitch McConnell today and we beatboxed for twenty minutes.

Sometimes I wonder what our lives would be like if they weren’t being constantly disrupted and capriciously constrained by the dumbest people who have ever lived

Honestly the whole thing makes me question the integrity of the FIFA Peace Prize

I didn’t know this was about mitch mcconnell when I wrote it

Debbie Harry is my Roman Empire

forbidden lego

Ok but for real tho, this isn’t the empire state building unless that boat is in the bryant park fountain

Marcel Proust was the Joey Chestnut of his era

Gosh’s perfect little angel

*Dan Brown typing feverishly*

okay, but have you tried charming their pants back on?

I was not meant for toil. I was meant to brew questionable potions in the wizards tower

I went to go see supergirl but they told me the wrong theater number so I guess I’m seeing jackass now

I would kill or die for Larry

RIP founding fathers, you would have lost your minds over toilet bidets

i’ve reached the bingeing turkish time travel mysteries stage of couch rot

i bet the guy who played bernie in weekend at bernie’s was like so i just wear these cool sunglasses and these guys carry me everywhere? this fucking rules

Cuccumbers are the bosses of the green beans

mamdani said it’s okay to have ice cream for dinner

the thing about burrata is that it’s just a water balloon filled with cottage cheese

the kelce bros tearfully disassembling their bunk bed

my most problematic take is that mel gibson would have made a great wolverine

Finding out Alison Brie is playing Evil-Lyn

*took two Benadryl 30 mins ago* think I might be the best at operating heavy machinery

A lot of 90’s bands were better than ezra but less than jake

the perfect criminey

Same, Hachette Book Group

why do they keep releasing new music? we haven’t finished listening to the old music yet

Today was gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to me but I bobbled it and now everyone’s laughing fuck I hate wonderball

Probably the most powerful song you could conceive a child to is 1993’s “Whoomp! (There it Is)” by Tag Team

gambled and lost at the clams casino

apparently, a womanizer turns people into women

Tommy Tuberville sounds like the bad guy in an 80’s surfer movie

America’s Squeakheart

Neelix is in the Epstein files

Cats really think they’re on your life insurance policy

Is it carbon monoxide

finally it’s our turn to run the train

They could have done it in four if someone hadn’t filled MSG with their loser energy

asparagus? uhh I might want more than one, mate

we’ve already seen the world’s first chamillionaire

Knicks Bonnie Blue 🤝 Handling 29 in the hole

Checking to see if my phone is in one of the 83 special places I like to leave it

this is why they can’t afford to buy a house smh

The middle school next door is having a graduation party and the DJ just played Michael Jackson’s “PYT” which is a wild choice

One day you’re the boombox blasting tunes, the next you’re the unspooled cassette being gently fucked with a pencil ✏️

I hope he gets Maud Flanders’d